the pain is paralyzing

 I am just having a really hard time today. I woke up crying, I  miss my baby so much Crying. sometimes I cry in my sleep. I used to smoke but  I quit when I got pregnant, well last night I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't wanna go back to smoking but they give me some comfort or something.


I hate the fact that my belly is all mushy and soft, there's no baby in there and no baby in my arms. I find myself regretting not holding her when I had the chance, but I was so weak and she was so big, and I knew her arm was broken and I didn't want to see that. I was afraid of dropping her too.  I keep thinking maybe if I would've went in sooner maybe they could have saved her, but they already told me it wouldn't have mattered.


I am so angry! I'm angry that other moms get to take their babies home! I'm angry that Kim Kardashian, the most selfish person ever,(I am a fan of kardashians but I hate Kim) is having a baby and mine died! seems like everyone is pregnant right now. oh and my sil is due with her 3rd in April.


And then I blame myself. Maybe it was something I did, I read there is a link between stillbirths and obesity(I am considered obese).

I find myself wanting to get pregnant again soon. am I crazy???


MH is wonderful, we have a great marriage and I know we will get through this. He can't look at her room, or pics of her face. Sometimes he cries. I know she just passed but I am wondering if it will ever get easier? today I feel like I could drown in my pain...





Re: the pain is paralyzing

  • Awww, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

    FWIW, I quit smoking when I was pregnant too.  The night everything happened I went back to it.  Now 13 months later I'm working on quitting.

    A piece of advise - quit researching on the internet.  It will drive you insane and will honestly make it worse instead of better.  My Corbin had bronchitis and a few other things.  He never showed any signs of being sick.  I was mad at myself for months thinking "I'm his mom and I never knew he was sick.  A mom should know these things."  Trust me when I say this - you did nothing wrong.  

    I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get "better."  You will learn how to live your new life and deal with the hurt and pain.  

    The wanting to get pregnant again soon is also normal.  Make sure you have a "clear" head before making that decision.  For some, they feel it's important to have another baby right away and for others they choose to wait.  DH and I decided to wait a year because we wanted separation of time and time to grieve. 

    You are still very fresh in your grief.  It's ok to feel whatever it is you feel.  The self-doubt, the anger, the hate etc. is all part of it.



    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers








  • Everything you feeling is normal! Grieving takes time.

    And when it comes to obesity, do not think it has something to do with your loss. I'm only 110lbs and I lost my daughter at 36 weeks.

  • You just have to get through the days one hour or one minute at a time.  It's very easy to get wrapped in the "should haves" or "what if's".  You almost have to force yourself not to think that way or it can really become consuming.

    I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will get through it.  It's ok that you didn't hold Grace, you made the best decision you could at the time, it doesn't mean you love her any less.  


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
  • okay. I think as moms we feel we are super women, like we should've known something was wrong with our babies, I know you ladies are right. Today is gonna be tough but I will take it one hour at a time like you said. ((HUGS))









  • I hate Kim Kardashian too!!  And Jessica Simpson for that matter.... And Kate Middleton!  I am supposed to have babies before them!! I was trying longer, and I was already pregnant before they were. Also, I loathe my fat belly every time I look in the mirror.  

    I know these are not really helpful thoughts, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in those thoughts.  One day at a time...  

    TTC since May 2011
    Provera x3 late 2011, no natural response. (Previous BCP for 12 years).
     Dx PCOS April 2012. 
    Clomid x 4 - no response.
    First FSH/Ovidrel cycle early Aug 2012 - 18 days of injections, slow growth, erratic estrogen levels, triggered Aug 21st. 
    BFP Sept 4th and Sept 7th! 
     7wk US Sept 28th - triplets! 
    Perfect triplets lost at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix. Allison Grace, James Alexander and Colin Gregory forever in our hearts!  
    IVF #1 10/11/13 -  canceled before retrieval.  
         Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. The grief process is so hard, so many emotions. Horrible days, mediocre days, numb days, guilt-filled days, ok days. I compared it to a roller coaster ride. I know it doesn't seem like to now but the pain does get duller. Life does go on, as much as you want the world to stop, it does keep moving. You love your daughter, you would've done anything to protect her. Please be gentle with yourself.
    BFP #1 - Missed M/C, D&C 3.21.11

    BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP  #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.

    My blog My chart
  • I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to get pregnant right away again. I felt the same way (we are waiting until July for IVF again, just for timing purposes) 

    big big hugs to you! 


    ETA:  I regret every. single. day. not holding J and Z, but I couldn't do it. It hurt too bad and I knew if I held them I would never let them go, and that would have been worse pain. I did look at them the nurse brought them to my side but I was to scared to reach out for them. 

    You did was you needed to to be gentle with yourself and its ok, she knows you love her and how hard holding her would have been. 

    Lilypie - (5WpR)
    Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix  DH(28)Azoospermia
    4/11 Off BCPs -- Cycle 1-3 (6months) - No ovulation, Provera
    Cycle 4-6 - Provera, Clomid 50mg, CD23BW - All BFN (HSG-all clear)
    Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
    TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
    IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
    IVF ICSI #2-  (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
    ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
    <312/9 Joshua David and Zoe Faith born too early at 19w4d due to incompetent cervix <3
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
      LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term 
    IVF#3 - June 2013 -  canceled.
    IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
     ER 8/7 19R 9F 3dt of 2- 8BF embryos. (+HPT 7dp3dt) Beta #1 - 82.8 Beta #2 - 821 Beta #3 - 7254
    9/11/13 - U/S shows 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD: 4/30/13
    It's a BOY!!
    2/9/14 - DX Gestational Diabetes
    C-section scheduled for 4/7/14 (36w5d)
    Colin Joseph - 1:07pm 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
    Everyone Welcome!
  • thanks to all of you for your kind words, you make me feel like I'm not alone. I've almost made it through this day with a lot of tears but I'm okay. MH and I are going to a support group tomorrow I am really looking forward to it.




  • I've never smoked, but don't be hard on yourself because your us ing it as a source of comfort. You need comfort now more than ever. Maybe you can try to use a different source in the coming weeks, like exercise, pets, etc. I turned to walking, exercise, DH and my dog for comfort. 

    Bellies take time! I'm almost 15 weeks PP and I'm just now getting into my pre-baby pants! My goal was to be at pre-pregnancy weight when we conceived again. Yes, we're TTC again, very soon after our loss. That's normal too! Don't be hard on yourself for wanting a baby. You will never forget Grace regardless of when you TTC again!

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I woke up crying this morning, also. 

    My belly is the worst reminder. I want to get skinny again fast. And I also feel like the only thing that would make me feel any better would be getting pregnant again asap - but I know that's not necessarily the best thing, physically or emotionally. Looking forward to TTC again does give me some hope, still.

    Just want you to know I'm right there with you. 

    D is 3, A is 1
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • image jebretz:

    I hate Kim Kardashian too!!  And Jessica Simpson for that matter.... And Kate Middleton!  I am supposed to have babies before them!! I was trying longer, and I was already pregnant before they were. Also, I loathe my fat belly every time I look in the mirror.    

    You took the words right out of my mouth!  I have a physical reaction every time I see one of these people on tv.  Especially Jessica Simpson, I was pregnant the same time she was last year and now she is pregnant AGAIN!  

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
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