I am just having a really hard time today. I woke up crying, I miss my baby so much . sometimes I cry in my sleep. I used to smoke but I quit when I got pregnant, well last night I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't wanna go back to smoking but they give me some comfort or something.
I hate the fact that my belly is all mushy and soft, there's no baby in there and no baby in my arms. I find myself regretting not holding her when I had the chance, but I was so weak and she was so big, and I knew her arm was broken and I didn't want to see that. I was afraid of dropping her too. I keep thinking maybe if I would've went in sooner maybe they could have saved her, but they already told me it wouldn't have mattered.
I am so angry! I'm angry that other moms get to take their babies home! I'm angry that Kim Kardashian, the most selfish person ever,(I am a fan of kardashians but I hate Kim) is having a baby and mine died! seems like everyone is pregnant right now. oh and my sil is due with her 3rd in April.
And then I blame myself. Maybe it was something I did, I read there is a link between stillbirths and obesity(I am considered obese).
I find myself wanting to get pregnant again soon. am I crazy???
MH is wonderful, we have a great marriage and I know we will get through this. He can't look at her room, or pics of her face. Sometimes he cries. I know she just passed but I am wondering if it will ever get easier? today I feel like I could drown in my pain...