We all have them and today was mine.
I was arguing with DH about managing our finances. Not so much the fact that we're strapped, but just the management side of it all.
And I just had this overwhelming breakdown. I just started crying my eyes out, ugly, sobbing, heaving crying. Because I started thinking maybe God is just trying to tell me, no, you shouldn't have another child. No, I don't want you to have another child. That's not "the plan." And I guess I was crying because first of all I was trying to just really come to grips with that and trying to figure out if that was what I felt like was true or not...
And then just feeling so HORRIBLY conflicted about it all.... how am I supposed to know the plan!??! I don't know the plan!!! I can't just "wing it" or see signs about this. I am trying to look for signs or some guidance or something in my life that will give me an answer about whether or not we should be continuing to try or not. And the answers are just not there.
I feel like in my gut, no, maybe this is just part of the journey. But I am at a complete loss - I really, really don't know. And I usually have SOME instinct about something or not. I mean I don't think I've ever NOT had ANY instinct or feeling about it one way or another. I feel like I envision our family with one more child. I ALWAYS have felt that way. But now I just don't know if I'm feeling that way because it's what I want and I'm being selfish and that's not what the plan is, or if really that is the plan and this is all just part of the journey.
I know that a lot of this came from the dream my BFF had. I am closer to her than anyone other than DH. I'm really as close to her as I am to DH. Of course, that's not including DS, which is just a whole other level.
She had a dream, she said it was really, really vivid, that we were both just sitting together holding hands and reciting the serenity prayer.
And every since I read her email about it I've been just repeating it and repeating it to myself. God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
And I just don't know. I don't know where this falls. I don't know if I really am just being blinded by my own desire to have another child or if it's just something I need to go through before we have a sibling for DS.
And I thought about the double rainbow I saw in the sky a while ago (some of you might remember I posted about that) - and that I felt like it was a good sign to me. But again, I don't know if I'm just seeing something I want to see or not.
I also have a really, really hard time with this dream that I had.
The night before I got my first BFP while TTC #2 in Feb 2012, I had a really vivid dream with my grandmother in it. She passed away quite a while ago. And in it she was holding my face in her hands and looking at me and said, "Oh dear heart, if it were up to me you would have TEN more babies!" And I remember in the dream I was like, oh, that's so sweet grandma, but really I just want one more. But I've always felt like, since that first loss, that was some sort of message to me that I'm not supposed to have any more. Is that crazy?!?!! And I can't let go of that even though I don't feel like it's necessarily true - but it keeps nagging in my mind. Why did I have that dream!??!
Anyway, it's just been a really, really hard day today. I have been either crying or on the verge of tears all day every time the thought comes into my head that we really may not ever be so blessed again as to have another baby. I just cannot get through that thought without - see here I go again - starting to sob.
Okay, well, thanks for reading if you made it through all that.
Here's something yummy....chocolate lava cake with a strawberry...
Married the love of my life 10/13/07; DS born 2/13/10
TTC #2 since 12/11
4 1st tri losses in 2012
BFP #5 3/30/13; c/p 4/6/13
BFP #6 10/12/13; m/c 10/27/13
Primary DX: Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR
***TTCAL December Siggy Challenge: Naughty Elf on the Shelf***
***All always welcome!!***