December 2012 Moms

Never forgive myself

My son is a little over a week old, and I have already dropped him. I feel like a horrible mother, I have been a mess all day. I am so worried that I may have damaged my perfect little baby. Last night I was a total zombie (I am exhausted!) I didnt even realize that my husband was holding our son, I kept asking where he was and he was being held right next to me. Then, I woke up to him crying so I tried to grab him out of his bassinet, and the next thing I know he is on the floor!! luckily, he did stop crying and then proceeded to breastfeed. On top of that, I fell asleep with him on my chest, and I woke up to him screaming in the bed next to me!!! I don't know if he had rolled off or what but he was covered in the blankets. All of this happened while my husband was sleeping because he doesnt get up to help me at all! I put him back in his bassinet and proceeded to bawl my eyes out!!! I feel like the worst mom on this planet. I know we all make mistakes, but I can't help but feel that I am unfit to parent after this episode. If I am a zombie after 1 week of not sleeping how will I be a month from now. My heart hurts, and I know he is fine- but I am definitely beating myself up:(

Re: Never forgive myself

  • Is there anyone you can ask for help? My husband and I sleep in shifts. See if there is a family member or friend to help you get some sleep. If not then sleep when the baby sleeps, seperately maybe somewhere that you can open your eyes and see him but not so close that you can reach him if you are in a deep sleep. Good luck.
  • Try not to beat yourself up over this. Just be glad that your son is ok and move on. It sounds like you need some more rest. Are you taking naps during the day? Also, you need to tell your husband to help out! We all get tired and wish we hadn't done things. I have also fallen asleep with the LO on my chest. You just need to figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again.

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  • I was changing my nephew once when I was 7mths pregnant with my son, and my nephew was not even a year old yet.  I was changing him on his change table and I was standing in front of him and took my hands off him to grab a diaper from the drawer in front of me, so I was still standing in front of him.  But he was a baby and wiggled around and somehow dove off the table onto the hardwood floor, head first. I felt awful too, I checked him out and he was fine but I still felt like you did.  And I'm an RN and look after children in the hospital all the time.  So it can happen to anyone.  I wasn't tired either, it just happened so fast.  It happens and people just don't admit to it.  We aren't prefect, we are parents and you're doing a wonderful job as a mom! Also hormones aren't going to help you feel any better right now either, just try to get some sleep when you can it'll help.  
  • First of all, your baby will be fine. I promise. Unless you notice any differences in behavior, his eyes change in any way, or his head feels tighter/bigger (swelling), he will be fine. Promise.

    I want to ask this just because I wish someone would have talked to me about it, but... how are you feeling on a day to day basis emotionally? It sounds like you are having a lot of anxiety. It's normal to have some, but the panic-y feeling can be PPA- post pardum anxiety.  Looking back on it, I KNOW I had PPA with LO1. I thought it was "normal" to wake up anxious and feel panicked about LO. It's not. I'm not trying to diagnose, I just want you to reach out to your doc if you feel like it's needed. Fwiw, I have been feeling much better this time around, which only makes me wish more that I had spoken to my doc last time. GL

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  • I know how you feel. I haven't been sleeping much at all and I just feel so clumsy with my baby when I've been up all hours. One night, while he was in the hospital, I bonked his little head on the incubator he was staying in! He screamed bloody murder and I started crying. Thankfully the nurses were there to check on him and make us both feel better.

    As for your husband, I would definitely talk to him about your feelings and in the meantime find some other help. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your sanity because he's a little lazy.
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  • I'm sorry its so tough in the beginning. ((HUGS))
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  • Its so hard to have to function and take care of yourself plus another person when youre so exhausted. The other night I had her in the swing and when I woke up she was in the pnp. I have no idea how she got there. It scared me because if I was that tired that I dont remember her waking up, I assume I fed her and put her in the pnp too, I could have easily fallen asleep with her in the bed or something.

    I got this and it does give me some peace of mind. You can set it for 5,10,15 or 20 minutes and it vibrates after that time in case you fall asleep.

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  • I feel the same way I b.f. n I can't pump so my hubby doesn't help at night with the baby cus I have to feed her anyways I only get about 4 hrs of sleep. and there are times me and the baby just cry toghter.
  • Don't be so hard on yourself. Just be glad that he is fine now and make adjustments so you have help. Babies are very tough although they seem fragile. As far as a head injury, you want to look for immediate swelling, if they lose conciousness, or have vomiting. My 7 week old flipped over in his bouncy from a foot or two up, my Ds#2 fell down the steps at several months old when the baby gate was left open (he was fine) and Ds #1 flipped out of his stroller headfirst at Target when he was between 7-9 mo old. I had no idea he was that mobile at that age. Stuff happens - even to 2nd and 3rd time moms. 


    What is very important is that you sound like you need a break, or someone to help you out so you can sleep a bit. I elbow or nudge Dh if he sleeps though a cry and I need help or a break. I make sure he wakes up. He helps tons, but sleeps hard sometimes. The biggest thing is to keep the baby out of your bed if you are that exhausted. Can you put a pack n play right next to you? Or feed LO out of your bed so you don't fall asleep with him on you ? It is better for you to lay the baby down in their crib and let them cry then for you to be so tired you fall asleep with him in your bed. I am so sorry. Just give it another week or two and then hopefully the baby will go in longer stretches for you to get some rest. It will get better. 

  • I know the zombie feeling.  Don't beat yourself up, but for the safety of your baby please put him back in his bassinette instead of having him in your bed.  It doesn't sound like you will wake enough if something happens while he is in your bed.  Don't beat yourself up.  You're doing the best you can.  Tell your DH to get off his ass and help you out.  He is part of this too!
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