It's taken me all weekend to be able to write this update. I had my D&C on Friday morning, and since then have been trying to get in touch with my emotions about this.
It seems like it all happened so fast. We found out there was no heartbeat on Wednesday, went to my RE on Thursday so they could confirm, and before I knew it I was scheduling a D&C for the next day.
I am having a hard time grieving. I have had some tears when I am talking about it with DH, but I guess I am looking for a moment when I just have a huge wave of emotion and a lot of crying. So far it hasn't come. I know it's still early and I can't force it. I'm just afraid it will hit me at a bad time, like in the middle of work.
I did skip a family party last night, I debated about going, but ultimately decided it was too soon, and I didn't want to see my cousin's 6 month old, though I haven't seen him yet. Last night was not the night.
One thing that I feel very guilty about is that I feel very disconnected from my baby. I spent a lot of time worrying that something was going to go wrong that I think I had this guard up and it prevented me from thinking of the baby as something real. I don't think I am explaining this well, but typing this is breaking my heart.
I'm sorry for the rambling post.