January 2013 Moms

FTM...need advice on who to have in the room during labor!

I'm a FTM and my husband is a FTF.  My mom wants to fly up to be here during labor (she'll leave the room for the pushing and delivery) and to see the baby in her first day of life.  She wants to help in any way she can and be here in case anything happens to me or the baby.  My husband thought that the labor process is an intimate beautiful experience between husband, wife, and future baby.  My mom and husband don't know each other that well, so I do worry about the awkwardness of the three of us staring at each other for 18 hours of labor.  I also worry about any potential personality clashes (my mom can be sensitive sometimes).  BUT, maybe it's nice to have family there to share in the experience and to welcome her into the world (we live far from all family)?  It would hurt her feelings if I didn't want her here, but I also want to avoid anything that could make my baby's entry into the world awkward or stressful.  I'm really torn and need opinions.  Please help!


First Date: March 10, 2007
Engaged: August 21, 2010
Wedding: June 4, 2011

Re: FTM...need advice on who to have in the room during labor!

  • I think if your DH doesn't feel comfortable with having your mom there then she shouldn't be there.

    Your mom can't do anything in case something happens to you or the baby. That's what the doctors and nurses are for. If she wants to come once you are all home then that's another story but there is no reason she NEEDS to be there to help at the hospital. I get that she wants to see the baby in her first day of life but not at the expense of your and your husband's comfort. YOU are the parents and get to decide who can and cannot be there. I believe the same thing your husband does in that it's a very intimate and special moment (meeting your child for the first time) that should be shared by mom and dad. Once bonding, skin to skin, breastfeeding and just spending time as a family has happened THEN we will call family and let them know baby was born. There is no reason or need to have them there before that IMO.
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  • This is a big decision. I'm a FTM too, and I've elected to not have my mom there, because we personality clash (example: My mom says something she means to be helpful, and I react like I'm 14 or so) I gave it a lot of thought and decided I'd do this: As soon as I head to the hospital I'll call my Mom. She will come up and as long as I'm not in the middle of pushing, or LO is crowning, She'll come in the see us. if it goes a long time, she'll get my house keys and take care of my Dog, go get Food for DH, run interference for other visitors, ( I have two aunts who will want to be INSIDE me, yelling encouragement at LO to come out) and take care of whatever needs doing while I'm in the middle of all of it. I've given her full permission to clean at my house if thats what she feels like will help. I put this to her diplomatically, and told her straight up that I WILL need her, I just don't want to mouth off to her and cause a fight or a scene on a day that should be Really positive and great. I live about 10 minutes from the hospital, so she'll still be close by even if shes taking care of my dog. She agreed whole heartedly, and is glad to have "a job to do"
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  • It was just me and DH when DD was born and it will be again this time. Last time my parents came when DD was 3 days old, this time my mom will come to take care of DD while I'm in labor. I wouldn't want her to be there while I'm in labor. It's intense.
  • I'm a FTM as well, and I'm really close w/ my mom, but I also just want it to be me and DH in the delivery room. I also feel like it's a special moment just for us, meeting our children for the first time. I have no problem with my family being there to see the babies right after birth (and I did ask my mom to "be on call" just in case I really felt like I needed her...or DH passes out :-P) but IMO those first precious moments should just be for us. My mom completely understood....and agreed....as well.
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  • How will she know when to fly in?  Even if she could get a same day flight booked, it would probably be several hours for her to get there, right?  So odds are she wouldn't be there for the labor anyway.  Now of course she can arrange her flight as soon as you go into labor and meet the baby in her first day of life, but odds are if she's flying she will likely miss the labor anyway.  Or am I missing something?  

    I have to agree with PP-if DH is uncomfortable with it/doesn't want it then don't do it.  As women we would want our SO's to respect our opinion on who's there-why should his opinion be treated any differently?  He is 50% of the parents, so he should get a fair share in saying who is there during the process.  If you really think she will get hurt feelings by being told not to come for the labor then just don't tell her in the early stages.  Wait until you are going to the hospital to tell her to come, and with the flight and travel time it shouldn't be a problem-she won't be there until you are done anyway most likely.   

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  • You really need to decide what you want. If you remove both your mom & your husbands emotions/feelings who all do you want there? Would you like both of them to be there because if so I think you will regret not having your mother there. I think they'll both have so much on their mind that it won't be awkward.
  • Everyone is different. I decided not to have my mother there with us as it was DH and I becoming a family of three. It was something special for just us. She did come the next morning bright and early to meet her grandson, which was fine. Then with DD she came shortly after she was born since she was at my house watching my son while I was in labor. 

    I plan on not having anyone but my DH with me again. It is a special moment for us as a couple.

    Bottom line is that you need to do what is best for you and your DH. This is your moment.  

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  • It's more important for your husband to be there than your mom. 
  • Im surprised you are just now trying to figure this out as we are all due in the next several weeks. Whatever you and your H decide is what you should do. If your Mom doesn't respect it then that is her problem to deal with. You kind of have more important things to deal with.

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  • Everyone's relationships are different so you need to decide for yourself. My mom and husband will be there but my mom is my best friend and gets along well with my husband. She also works at my ob office lol.
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  • image this decaf life:
    You really need to decide what you want. If you remove both your mom & your husbands emotions/feelings who all do you want there? Would you like both of them to be there because if so I think you will regret not having your mother there. I think they'll both have so much on their mind that it won't be awkward.

    I think I answered you on the 3rd tri board, but I just want to ditto this.  People tend to have strong opinions on this topic, but you have to do go with what YOU want. It's not about whether or not your mom NEEDS to be there, it's about whether or not you WANT her there. If the answer is yes, then that's your answer.

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  • image this decaf life:
    You really need to decide what you want. If you remove both your mom & your husbands emotions/feelings who all do you want there? Would you like both of them to be there because if so I think you will regret not having your mother there. I think they'll both have so much on their mind that it won't be awkward.

    This! When it comes to labor, your feelings and needs are the ONLY ones that count. It doesn't matter what your DH or mom wants. Who do you need in the room to support you and get you through labor? 

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  • If your DH doesn't want her there I would go with no. Personally I am only having DH and our doula there for labor and delivery. I don't want my mom or MIL there as I think both would add more stress not less stress and I wanted a more intimate experience with DH.
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  • My mom was a great support for both DH and I when DD was born. For me I couldnt not have my mom there but I also have high risk pregnancies and like having someone else there in case something were to happen.
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  • It's your own personal decision as you know your husband mom best..do you make other life related imprtant decisions after consulting strangers as well?
  • I didn't want my mum in the labour and delivery room but she somehow managed her way in anyways. She lasted about an hour until I started throwing up and crying for my doula/Aunt to help me. Then she got really nauseous (had to put her head down) and crying so my husband had to go ask her to leave.
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