May 2013 Moms

am i justified or being hormonal...opinions VERY welcome!

Hi! I am 18w1d with my first, and the baby's father has been in a different city for work, so other than an emergency room visit at thanksgiving he hasn't been to anything dr/baby related. at 9w my dr found antibodies in my blood, and I have depended baby daddy to go get his blood tested for this so I wouldnt need an amnio. Kaiser (his primary) refused to cooperate because the test was technically for me and wasted weeks of our time saying they were running it but werent..dont even get me started on how pissed I still am with them. so at 16w we were running out of time for results and I faxed the blood order to a different lab he would have access to and he promised he went and had been checking up. monday my dr needed results-baby dad FINALLY comes out and says that lab had never heard of anti-cw and didnt know how to test for it so it never got done! now I have an amnio on the 4th, and have been beyond furious with him. he has asked to be there with me for the amnio (we will also be finding out the sex) and i cant decide if I want him there. That is a big let down to me that he as the father did not do everything he could have to prevent this. But should my resentment keep him from a once in a lifetime day?
 


Re: am i justified or being hormonal...opinions VERY welcome!

  • Baby daddy?

    And yes, punishing him by withholding access to his child in such a manner is way out of line. 

    AMA over 40
    Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
    BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
    B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
    Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
    FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
    Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
    Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
    Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
    Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
    Doing Cryo-DE IVF 
    Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
    BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013
    A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
    Pebbles arrived safe and sound 4/13. Placenta accreta found.
    Op hysteroscopy 2/7, reopen ute/remove adhesions from accreta
    Found severe Ashermans. Fuuuuuuu... Repeat Op Hyst in March.
    Op Hyst ver 3.0 looks good so far, find out if it worked in June.
    Finally got the damn IUD out. Waiting to stop bleeding.
    SIS shows rippled funky shaped ute, but given clearance to begin sFET calendar.
    Here goes everything...
    sFET#2 BFP, ended in m/c.
    Waiting for the next Op Hysteroscopy to find out what next.
    Scratch that, retained tissue. 3rd Cytotec round.

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    "Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee
  • i am in no way keeping him from his baby, but the fact that he didn't follow through with getting his blood drawn to test for the antibody (the only way the baby would be at risk is if he had it) to make sure his baby is safe and lied to me about getting it done has me livid. because he didn't get his blood done, i am now having to have an amnio that would never be happening if he had simply done a blood test. that's why im not sure if i even want him at the procedure. but i feel like i will regret not having him there, even tho it is his fault I have to put my baby through the amnio in the first place
     


  • and his doctor at kaiser faxed my docotr at sutter a note saying "i am unable to preform this specified test. he is free to go to another facility such as sutter or a blood bank at his own cost". my dr was pissed.
     


  • Is your amino covered by your insurance?  I think I would ask him to pay for it if not.  Seems like the out of pocket blood test would have been less money.
    image


  • image paigenicole23:
    i am in no way keeping him from his baby, but the fact that he didn't follow through with getting his blood drawn to test for the antibody (the only way the baby would be at risk is if he had it) to make sure his baby is safe and lied to me about getting it done has me livid. because he didn't get his blood done, i am now having to have an amnio that would never be happening if he had simply done a blood test. that's why im not sure if i even want him at the procedure. but i feel like i will regret not having him there, even tho it is his fault I have to put my baby through the amnio in the first place

    First, yes you are. He is the child's father and has specifically asked to be at the amniocentesis and find out your child's sex together with you. You are saying you don't want him there. That is withholding. Your stated reason is that he made you angry. That is an insufficient reason to withhold contact. 

    Second, yes, you will regret it if you prevent him from being there. Either from your own guilt, because you know it's wrong, or because it fosters a combative relationship between you and he will make you regret it later on down the line.

    Basically what this boils down to is you are angry that you have to undergo a scary procedure, you are angry at his insurance, you are angry at him for not behaving as you would like, and you are taking all of your anger out on him by preventing him from being involved. I think this is childish behavior and if you keep it up, you are going to end up much unhappier than you are right now.

     

     

    AMA over 40
    Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
    BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
    B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
    Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
    FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
    Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
    Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
    Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
    Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
    Doing Cryo-DE IVF 
    Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
    BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013
    A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
    Pebbles arrived safe and sound 4/13. Placenta accreta found.
    Op hysteroscopy 2/7, reopen ute/remove adhesions from accreta
    Found severe Ashermans. Fuuuuuuu... Repeat Op Hyst in March.
    Op Hyst ver 3.0 looks good so far, find out if it worked in June.
    Finally got the damn IUD out. Waiting to stop bleeding.
    SIS shows rippled funky shaped ute, but given clearance to begin sFET calendar.
    Here goes everything...
    sFET#2 BFP, ended in m/c.
    Waiting for the next Op Hysteroscopy to find out what next.
    Scratch that, retained tissue. 3rd Cytotec round.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    "Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee
  • I think that you are justified in being mad at him.  But, I think that it is important that he is able to find out the sex at the same time as you.  From your post, it sounds like you are no longer in a relationship.  Have you worked out what will happen once the baby is born?  If you haven't done so already, I think that you need to sit down together to discuss what you both want.  And, sit down with a lawyer to work out custody, child support, and any other legal issues.
  • i have never stated that i told him he cant come, i am saying i am at odds with myself because i dont know how i feel about him being there. he hasnt been there for much, and he has said and done some things that have made it clear he want nothing to do with the baby. I have given him a second chance for that as he is the father, but he has shown again that the baby and being responsible are not his first priority. i am not only deciding whether or not I want him there, but whether or not I want to continue to consider him & our relationship something to depend on for the baby. to me, putting whats best for the baby ahead of my own wants is not childish. i love him and want him to be a part of everything, but depending on someone who picks & chooses when he wants to be involved is not in my babys best interest. the only reason he wants to be there is because I am angry with him, he was not planning to come to the gender reveal ultrasound or any other appointment. I am paying the portion of this procedure that is not covered by my insurance, just like i paid for his blood test that never happened. other than fathering this baby he has done nothing to be an actual parent or partner.
     


  • I'm not going to touch on anything else because all PPs said pretty much everything already.

    I wanted to tell you that I am a blood banker by trade... Pretty much an expert in blood antigens and antibodies. Cw is an antigen present on your red cells. Much like A and B are that determine your blood type. Cw is a part of the Rh family of antigens. It is called a "low incidence" antigen meaning most of the population does not have it present on their cells. Obviously you don't because you've made an antibody either due to a past pregnancy or blood transfusion. The chance of the father having it is very slim. Also the harm it can cause your baby is really no worse than an O mother giving birth to an A or B baby. They want to take precautions but I would not worry about the outcome.
  • GRRR boys are dumb! You are justified in your anger. I do always think it's a good idea to have the dad at appointments. I guess I just hope that the more men see their children and hear them and learn about them that they will wake up and start behaving. I hope that you let him come and that he merits the privilege that is fatherhood by taking responsibility. Good luck with everything. 
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  • It sounds like he wants to be present and I think you should let him. Let him develop that bond with the baby. It isn't as instant for him as it was for you. My H didn't really feel a strong bond until our 18w ultrasound. I do think you have reason to be upset because it sounds like the amnio could have been avoided and there are risks, but it sounds like it has to happen now. Let him come, not for you but for the baby.
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  • I could understand you not wanting him there during the amnio as it's going to be stressful and you don't want anything to make you feel more stressed out. Is it at all possible to have him in the waiting room during the procedure and then he can come in to see the baby and find out the sex? I think he should be there as it will be a special moment for the both of you... but I also see your frustration and concerns for wanting him to not be present for the actual amnio.
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  • image BeckyTheEngineer:
    I think that you are justified in being mad at him.nbsp; But, I think that it is important that he is able to find out the sex at the same time as you.nbsp; From your post, it sounds like you are no longer in a relationship.nbsp; Have you worked out what will happen once the baby is born?nbsp; If you haven't done so already, I think that you need to sit down together to discuss what you both want.nbsp; And, sit down with a lawyer to work out custody, child support, and any other legal issues.


    This seems like the best advice here as far as going forward. Take care of everything you can now before more crap hits the fan.
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  • thank you everyone for opinions, i wanted to vent and get opinions because i know fully well that me being pregnant and angry doesnt give me the best judgement and point of veiw. we are in a relationship, just some of his decisions where he thinks he tried and thats good enough while i think he should have tried harder and asked them to call my dr with questions or called them himself have me frustrated. he is working hard to be sure we are saving for our babys arrival, which i respect and we have both understood that means he cant be here for everything and that puts a lot on me, so im just annoyed the ONE thing I can't control and rely on him to do he doesnt do it successfully and that has resulted in more added stress and procedures and risks. and once im done being angry im going to want him here to support me like he is trying. i guess my whole point that i really didnt get across through anger is "am i justified in being angry and expressing it to him and holding him accountable for not following through and being unsure of how i feel about him being there" rather than how most people took it that i was asking "tell me im in the right for keeping the father away from the amnio appointment" i like to apologize when i am wrong, and im trying to reflect on if im wrong for letting him know how angry i am and how if he chooses to come i may not be the friendliest toward him at that moment, or if im overreacting and should check my emotions
     


  • This is very confusing! the only advice I have for you is it takes a lot longer for daddy to attach (accept, have realization, or whatever word fits here) you have the right to feel the way you do, you are disappointed I'm him. However give him time to come around, it might surprise you to know, the ultrasound / a/s is probably the best thing for him to see to make him wrap his head around its a real baby! Good luck
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  • image paigenicole23:
    thank you everyone for opinions, i wanted to vent and get opinions because i know fully well that me being pregnant and angry doesnt give me the best judgement and point of veiw. we are in a relationship, just some of his decisions where he thinks he tried and thats good enough while i think he should have tried harder and asked them to call my dr with questions or called them himself have me frustrated. he is working hard to be sure we are saving for our babys arrival, which i respect and we have both understood that means he cant be here for everything and that puts a lot on me, so im just annoyed the ONE thing I can't control and rely on him to do he doesnt do it successfully and that has resulted in more added stress and procedures and risks. and once im done being angry im going to want him here to support me like he is trying. i guess my whole point that i really didnt get across through anger is "am i justified in being angry and expressing it to him and holding him accountable for not following through and being unsure of how i feel about him being there" rather than how most people took it that i was asking "tell me im in the right for keeping the father away from the amnio appointment" i like to apologize when i am wrong, and im trying to reflect on if im wrong for letting him know how angry i am and how if he chooses to come i may not be the friendliest toward him at that moment, or if im overreacting and should check my emotions

    I suspected that you might be trying to get to this stage. It's why I sounded harsh. I felt that you needed to hear what your vent, in your anger, was sounding like to others. Because if you had chosen that moment to talk to him about it, that would have been how he heard it.

    Mad props to you for taking the time to sort out your emotions. Given that you are under a great deal of stress and that you two are trying to move forward together, I suggest counseling. I am in no way suggesting that there is something wrong with either of you. I'm thinking that some counseling together could help both of you find tools to use to make your relationship better. You might learn effective tools for calming and thinking through your anger, and he might learn tools for coping when roadblocks are thrown up in the way of doing what he needs to do. Best of luck at your amnio!

    AMA over 40
    Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
    BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
    B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
    Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
    FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
    Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
    Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
    Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
    Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
    Doing Cryo-DE IVF 
    Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
    BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013
    A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
    Pebbles arrived safe and sound 4/13. Placenta accreta found.
    Op hysteroscopy 2/7, reopen ute/remove adhesions from accreta
    Found severe Ashermans. Fuuuuuuu... Repeat Op Hyst in March.
    Op Hyst ver 3.0 looks good so far, find out if it worked in June.
    Finally got the damn IUD out. Waiting to stop bleeding.
    SIS shows rippled funky shaped ute, but given clearance to begin sFET calendar.
    Here goes everything...
    sFET#2 BFP, ended in m/c.
    Waiting for the next Op Hysteroscopy to find out what next.
    Scratch that, retained tissue. 3rd Cytotec round.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    "Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee
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