3rd Trimester

Please tell me if I am being ridiculous...

As all of us know, our pregnancy hormones get that best of us sometimes. Heres the story: SO and I were watching videos on babycenter.com this morning and came across the one where the woman is having an all natural birth. For the first time, SO says to me that he wants me to have a natural birth. It is not like I am against the idea, but I am a FTM so I obviously have no idea what giving birth feels like.

I am about to make him sound like a complete a-hole but please keep in mind that he is not at all, just makes ignorant comments sometimes. He said to me about a month ago that he thinks women are being a little dramatic when they scream during birth. So that really offended me for obvious reasons. So back to him wanting me to have a natural birth, I said that I will most definitely try, but cannot promise anything since idk what its like. He then told me that it is "not just my baby" to make decisions like having drugs. 

So of course we got in a heated argument because I feel like its MY body. I perfectly understand that he wants our baby to be drug free, and SO DO I, but I feel like its ultimately MY body and if I want drugs...I'M GETTING DRUGS!!!!

Am I being ridiculous? How should this be handled?

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Re: Please tell me if I am being ridiculous...

  • Haha. I think you are doing well so far. The second that cam out of his mouth about women being dramatic, I'd have probably started a fight. But thats just me. I don't think the SO's have any right to tell women how to go about labour!!!!
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  • You're not being ridiculous at all.  If fact I think you are handling it great and I agree.  Until he can experience the pain of natural labor, he needs to bite his tough and realize that you are doing what's best for you and the baby.  You are willing to try, which should be enough for him.
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  • I think it's always smart to discuss birthing options with your SO but when it comes down to it, if you need drugs, you take them.  There is nothing wrong with that. He has no idea the pain you will endure and will never know what it is like. So he can give support and suggestions but I think you make the final say.  ALso once it comes down to it, he might have a totally different outlook seeing you in pain and not really being able to do anything for it. After my two c-sections my husband always jokes about my pain tolerance. After seeing the first section he was in awe that I was walking around the day after and often said, no way in hell I would be up right now. I think you need to discuss with him what your ideal plan would be but also let him know that things can change and he needs to support that plan as well. Good luck.
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  • image puppy_love6969:
    Haha. I think you are doing well so far. The second that cam out of his mouth about women being dramatic, I'd have probably started a fight. But thats just me. I don't think the SO's have any right to tell women how to go about labour!!!!

    This exactly. I don't think he seems like a jerk. Since taking our birthing class, DH has become much more adamant about a natural birth. I would also like to go this route and will do my best towards that end, however I also recognize the fact that labor is unique for each woman and each pregnancy so who honestly knows how it will go?!

    I think I'd simply remind him that once he squeezes a human being out of his body he can make decisions about labor. Otherwise he's there for support; not to make you feel bad.

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  • I would just have him talk to your dr. about his concerns. I don't think you're being ridiculous and would have probably laughed at him. 
  • Well, I'm in the minority. Yes, of course it is my body and ultimately my decision, but I took all of my husband's input as legitimate and worthwhile. I didn't just disregard his opinions on child birth, drugs, etc. just because he's a man. That is disrespectful to him as my husband and as our son's father.
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  • Some women end up under so much stress (physically or emotionally) that labor can halter or slow way down. For these women, that epidural is a blessing. It allows them to calm down and work their way through the labor better. My aunt wanted a med-free birth and she fought every contraction. She was too tense to let her body do what it naturally knew to do. She ended up being in labor for 35 hours. With both of her kids. Her doctor advised her to consider the epidural to help her progress, but she wouldn't have it. I think it's great that you are willing to give it a try, but he needs to understand what goes in to the process. My H has given me the green light to do whatever I need to do to deliver a healthy baby. We've discussed that I want to go med-free, but if I need the epidural, his job is to track down the dr ASAP. haha. Ultimately, I think this is something that has to be your decision.
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  • It's GREAT for him to do research (has he actually done any on medicated births?  It's not like the baby comes out drugged with an epidural) and have an opinion, but in the end you're the one who has to get the kid out and it's your decision.  There are so many things beyond your control during labor, it's really important for him to be supportive, and to not put extra pressure on you to have a certain birth experience.
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  • You are not being ridiculous at all. That would annoy me. My DH is the opposite and says there is no way I could ever handle a natural birth and not to even think about it. He was the first one to raise his hand in lamaze class and proclaim that "We are definitely getting an epidural as soon as we can". I have to laugh because he must have some serious sympathy pains if he is already thinking about the pain I will be in. Men are fascinating creatures.
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  • image Idani:
    I think it's always smart to discuss birthing options with your SO but when it comes down to it, if you need drugs, you take them.  There is nothing wrong with that. He has no idea the pain you will endure and will never know what it is like. So he can give support and suggestions but I think you make the final say.  ALso once it comes down to it, he might have a totally different outlook seeing you in pain and not really being able to do anything for it. After my two c-sections my husband always jokes about my pain tolerance. After seeing the first section he was in awe that I was walking around the day after and often said, no way in hell I would be up right now. I think you need to discuss with him what your ideal plan would be but also let him know that things can change and he needs to support that plan as well. Good luck.

     

    ^ This exactly!  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I am also a FTM awaiting the arrival of our LO (we're actually a few days past our EDD), and I believe if my husband had said something like that it would have taken everything in me NOT to punch him square in the face! lol  Although he still is a guy and has been known to say some stupid things without first thinking, he's been pretty good about really hearing me out on this subject and understanding that this is something we are both experiencing for the first time.  He knows I want to try my hardest to have a natural birth experience but he also understands that it's okay for me to change my mind.  He actually asked me just last night how strongly I want him to say 'no' to an epidural/other meds for me when I start hollering for them lol!  I told him I want him to be a little forceful about it, but if the time really comes where I can't take it anymore he'll understand and be there for me no matter what I choose.  

    I don't believe you are being ridiculous at all!  YOU are the one who's going to be doing all the work of bringing this LO into the world, and he's not going to be physically experiencing any of it, so he should just keep his mouth shut unless he's got something encouraging and supportive to say.  So good luck with your birth experience no matter how it goes (natural/with meds what-have-you).  YOU CAN DO IT! :)

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  • I don't see you as being ridiculous.Every labor and delivery is different. For my first it was so quick and not to painful at all, so i did not ask for an epidural. But when I had discussed my original plan with my H,I had told him that I would go as long as I could, but if i wanted an epidural to help with the pain, I was going to get it. I have a really high threshold for pain, but like PP said, sometimes the emotional and physical stress can prolong labor. I respect woman who go all natural, and those who use other mesaures to help with the bringing of their child into the world. No matter what we are strong, we grow children in our bodies for months. Yes we can let our SOs voice their opinions, and we can consider them, but why should it be someone's decisoin that is not having any of it happen to their bodies?

    I think that you are being reasonable, that you would go as long as you could without drugs, and get them if you need them.

    And by the way, there is a video online of a study done where a man is hooked up to a machine to simulate contractions. He should look at that. It shines a little insight.

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  • image mabenner1:
    Well, I'm in the minority. Yes, of course it is my body and ultimately my decision, but I took all of my husband's input as legitimate and worthwhile. I didn't just disregard his opinions on child birth, drugs, etc. just because he's a man. That is disrespectful to him as my husband and as our son's father.

    I agree with this to some extent, but at the same time it sounds like she is taking his input into account. She told him she'd try, but she doesn't know if it's possible. That's really all she can do.

    Your husband needs to be flexible, regardless of his beliefs. I wanted (and had) a natural/med-free labor, but I knew going into it that things could change. I mean, if you are late or whatever, you may need to be induced with drugs. Does your H go to any of your OB appts? Mine doesn't really but my OB has a 36 week "labor talk" appt where she really encourages husbands to come so maybe your OB could talk to you both about it at the same time.

    And make sure you remind your husband it's not just your baby when you are the one getting up in the MOTN all the damn time.  :P

     ETA: Also, re: taking your husband's input, I would need more than him watching some Baby Center videos. If he had something else to back  up what he was talking about (and I'm not just talking about pain management, but anything involving my body), then I would take it under consideration. Watching a video or two one morning wouldn't do it for me. 

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  • My husband wisely left all the drug decisions up to me with our first. He said he would back up whatever I decided to do, because at the end of the day the baby is coming out of my body. Sure, it's his kid & he will have a huge say in MANY decisions to come... but how I personally handle pain and how I personally want to get a living being out of my body? I don't feel there is room for discussion. I did ask for his opinion, he just said, "whatever you want."

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  • Have you guys taken a birth prep class yet?  I'd highly recommend it.  Also, he doesn't get to say how you will give birth anymore than you could dictate how he would have his appendix out.  Yes, have a reasonable discussion & talk like adults about options etc.  However, it is ultimately your final say. 

    The more info you both have, the more reasonable of a discussion you can have.  

     
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  • Nope, not being ridiculous.

    I would discuss the options with my husband, of course. It is, as your DH said, his baby as well and things like epidurals can effect the baby. My DH and I have discussed many things related to my upcoming labor. I did not make the decision to VBAC on my own. It is what I wanted, of course, but DH and I discussed the risks and options. Ultimately, it was my decision, but I listened to DH's input.

    That being said, your DH's comment of women being dramatic when they scream during childbirth tells me he doesn't fully understand what you'll be going through, which might make it the perfect time for him to go to your next appointment and discuss epidurals with your doctor. But, yes, in the end, I do think it comes down to your body, your decision. However, your DH will be your biggest advocate when you're in labor, so it's important that you can discuss the options and make the decisions together as much as possible.

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  • I was watching a birth story the other day, and they both, before the labor wanted a natural birth. After 12 hours of excruciating labor, she demanded a epidural. The husband tried telling the doctors to put it off as long as possible, and saying that he didn't want her pumped with drugs. The woman just said "Give it to me, i cant stand it!"

    i would flip out on my husband if he ever thought he could control my body, or my actions. Your thoughts and rationale are in the right place, OP. I feel the same way. 

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  • image rpalen29:

    I was watching a birth story the other day, and they both, before the labor wanted a natural birth. After 12 hours of excruciating labor, she demanded a epidural. The husband tried telling the doctors to put it off as long as possible, and saying that he didn't want her pumped with drugs. The woman just said "Give it to me, i cant stand it!"

    i would flip out on my husband if he ever thought he could control my body, or my actions. Your thoughts and rationale are in the right place, OP. I feel the same way. 

    Was this a new one?  If not, I think I saw it a few months ago and wanted to punch him right in the face.  I also loved how he came on afterwards and was like, "It was the right thing to do (the epidural)".  A**.

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  • Ask him if he would like to push a grapefruit through his penis without any sort of medical intervention or pain management.
  • image asibilrud:

    As all of us know, our pregnancy hormones get that best of us sometimes. Heres the story: SO and I were watching videos on babycenter.com this morning and came across the one where the woman is having an all natural birth. For the first time, SO says to me that he wants me to have a natural birth. It is not like I am against the idea, but I am a FTM so I obviously have no idea what giving birth feels like.

    I am about to make him sound like a complete a-hole but please keep in mind that he is not at all, just makes ignorant comments sometimes. He said to me about a month ago that he thinks women are being a little dramatic when they scream during birth. So that really offended me for obvious reasons. So back to him wanting me to have a natural birth, I said that I will most definitely try, but cannot promise anything since idk what its like. He then told me that it is "not just my baby" to make decisions like having drugs. 

    So of course we got in a heated argument because I feel like its MY body. I perfectly understand that he wants our baby to be drug free, and SO DO I, but I feel like its ultimately MY body and if I want drugs...I'M GETTING DRUGS!!!!

    Am I being ridiculous? How should this be handled?

    Well, I personally thing that men are "a little dramatic" when it comes to getting hit in the genital area, but at the same time who am I to make such comments since I don't have those parts nor do I know how it feels.

    I've always been a pretty athletic and "tough girl" in sports and I've had a "no drugs" birth(with back labor might I add) and another birth with an epidural. I've also had various other painful sports injuries, not to mention as a teen/college athlete was an endurance athlete which is pretty much the ability to push through mental and physical pain. I regularly beat boys and guys on our team, so I'd go ahead and say I'm not a giant wussy pants. That being said, I will likely go for the epidural again. I am a nurse, I know the risks/benefits and depending on how the birth goes I'll likely choose epidural so I can enjoy the experience more.

    Here's my crass/crude comment: How would he like trying to poop a pumpkin or something equally as large out of a hole that has never been that stretched/possibly torn?

    Sorry, but people that judge with no basis irritate me. It's like a white guy trying to say he understands how someone from an ethnic background feels, when really...I don't see how he could. Or when naturally thin people make comments on the obese.

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  • image sofamonkey:

    Have you guys taken a birth prep class yet?  I'd highly recommend it.  Also, he doesn't get to say how you will give birth anymore than you could dictate how he would have his appendix out.  Yes, have a reasonable discussion & talk like adults about options etc.  However, it is ultimately your final say. 

    The more info you both have, the more reasonable of a discussion you can have.  

    This would be my recommendation also. After having taken our childbirth class, my husband feels a lot better about pain management and the birthing process. In our class, we were able to go over the positives and negatives of different pain management options and we even shown the epidural catheter. After all of this, we decided that I would try to hold out for as long as I can on getting an epidural, but if I need one, I will get it.

    The more information you have on something, the better.


  • Oh I would've kicked a *** right there. Until he pushes an 8 pound turd out of his bumhole, he doesn't get a vote.

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  • image asibilrud:

     but I feel like its ultimately MY body and if I want drugs...I'M GETTING DRUGS!!!!


     

    You are 110% in the right. He has a right to show his concern and share his preference with you. But in the end, YOU are the one who has to go through the actual experience of giving birth. YOU are the only one who will be experiencing that pain. So until he gains the ability to give birth to a human and he does it med free, he has no right to dictate whether or not you do it with the help of medication or med free. (even then, it's still totally your decision) And in the event you do decide you want medication, I dare him to try to talk you out of it while you're in labor or in front of your nurse......

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  • I'd ask him if he'd like me to kick him in the nuts every 5 minutes for 8 hours without any meds...  

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  • Tell your husband that the ONLY person who is required in the delivery room is YOU. If he has a problem with being supportive he can wait in the waiting room and you will have a nurse fetch him once your baby has arrived. If it was good enough for grandpa (in the 1950's), it is good enough for him.

    With my DD I had the epidural, and it didn't work. It only took care of one side of my body, then it wore off after an two hours and I birthed her completely naturally. Having done that I can tell you that your mind and body will be able to handle the pain aspect, you're made for it, but that doesn't mean that you are "less" or "more" of a mother or woman for choosing one or the other. Your husband's knowledge of birth is by watching women he is not emotionally or physically connected to in any way, and that makes his views extremely skewed. Once you are the one screaming in pain, or shaking with tremors of contractions, he WILL feel differently than he does watching it on a tv screen.  

    I consider DH's feelings but this is the reality, my body is in pain, not his. My body is the one that will have the side effects of said drug, not his. It is my body that will be cut open if a complication arises that requires a c-section, and it is ME that could possibly face death from labor (not that it happens all that often but it is a risk). As I am the one facing all of that, it is my final decision in how I handle labor and delivery. He can have his input on feeding, clothing and raising, but I have the final say on birth.  

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  • I think my husband has equal say in just about every parenting decision...... except childbirth and breastfeeding, because that is my body my pain (yes, BFing can be really painful too) and he just can't do it for me. That being said my DH was always fine with following my lead and being supportive.

    Tell your DH that you will do your best but his job in the delivery room is to support you. If that means saying, "Honey, you've done great but I know you want an epi now and I support you." then that's what he'll have to do. 

  • image mabenner1:
    Well, I'm in the minority. Yes, of course it is my body and ultimately my decision, but I took all of my husband's input as legitimate and worthwhile. I didn't just disregard his opinions on child birth, drugs, etc. just because he's a man. That is disrespectful to him as my husband and as our son's father.

    I don't believe she said that she was disregarding his feelings altogether, just that she is a FTM, so she really has no idea what she's in for. If I read it correctly, she even told him that she would try to go have a natural birth.

    So.... you're obviously not in the minority.  

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  • I had a conversation like this yesterday after my appointment with my SO. His mom was yacking in the background talking about how I should try to have a natural birth because it will seperate the girls from the women. So I told my SO that the doctor is pretty sure this baby will be about 9 pounds and his mom LOST HER MIND if she thinks I'm going to push him out without any drugs. My SO ultimately thinks its my choice because that's my body that has to go through the trauma of birth.
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  • I asked DH his feelings on natural birth vs. having meds vs. c-section. His response was "it's your vagina you have to push a watermelon out of. i trusted you enough that i married you - i'm pretty sure you'll do what's best for you and our baby."
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  • I was willing to give natural birth a try because my husband is very anti medical anything.  And I too felt it was his baby too so his opinion should be considered. So I did, but made it clear I wasn't promising him anything.  Then when he saw me dealing with the contractions, hanging off the side of the bed, he told me to get the epidural already.  Your SO might feel very differently when he sees what you're actually going through.

    I informed him next time I'm getting the epi the minute we get there or he's giving birth instead of me.

    That said, your SO seems really bent about this subject.  If his douchey statements are abnormal for him, I'd try talking to him about it when you're both calm and see where his feelings are coming from.  And get yourself plenty of information about all of your options.

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