First of all, I'll say that I love DS to pieces and wouldn't trade him for anything. My feelings have nothing to do with him being a bad baby or anything like that.
I got a visit from an old friend today. As I've mentioned here before, I'm a LARPer, and this friend was from the LARP I went to. His visit got me thinking about the current state of things, and it got me sad.
When I got pregnant, I was no longer allowed to participate in the LARP. It was a safety hazard as we fight with boffer weapons, and one ill-aimed hit would've caused trouble. While it wasn't a surprise pregnancy, I underestimated how jarring it would be to suddenly quit an activity I'd been a part of for 4 years. Suddenly, I wasn't seeing my friends every month, and all but a friend or two never came to visit. Needless to say, I was pretty tore up about it as most of my friends at the time came from the LARP. We had some good times, but they apparently were too busy to see me or didn't really consider our friendship beyond the LARP.
After I had the baby, I went to a mommy and me group to try to get some socializing in. While it certainly helped and I made some new friends, I had it planned in my mind that I'd bring DS to an event for a couple hours to hold me over until I could come back more often. I'd even gotten it ok'd by the person in charge. Unfortunately, management of the LARP changed recently, and they've told me DS isn't allowed at events until he's old enough to join, which is age 14.
I got pretty miffed at them, but I was equally disappointed in the people I considered my friends who never came to see me when I was pregnant and after DS was born. I made the choice that I was done with the LARP for now. It was too disapointing to go on hoping I can go back soon when DS is still nursing at night and DH works nights and is therefore unavailable to watch DS while I go LARPing.
Like I said before, one of the few friends who has stayed in touch dropped by. We were pretty good friends, but we found ourselves with little to talk about. He told a few stories about the LARP, and I told a few stories about DS. The encounter made me sad that I couldn't be a part of that life anymore. I had to walk away from the lifestyle of going off a weekend or two a month to play a game in the woods and leave the world behind. Now that I have a baby, I don't have that luxury anymore. And it makes me sad.
I have my new life as a parent and new friends, but thinking about the people I no longer relate to makes me feel like I sacrificed something big to have a family. I'm going to a mommy and me party tomorrow that should hopefully help me feel more fulfilled with my new social circle; but right now, I feel trapped here with the baby and like I walked away from something that used to be such an escape for me. For now, I'll have to settle for something on Netflix and some hot chocolate and try not to think about how things used to be.
Sorry for the rant. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who misses the pre-baby life though, if others had to walk away from friends to have a baby.