For those of you who don't remember me or haven't met, I was active for a little while, then started lurking, posting every once in a while. I am 36 my husband is 34. We married 18 months ago and almost started trying right away.
I looked into an RE after 6 months of temping and charting. I was told that to even see her that it would be over 1000 with my insurance. We can't afford that at all. So we are just on a let's do this until it works kinda thing. I really wish I could go and find out what is wrong but it isn't in the cards. We are trying to pay off our debts so we can start to save something for this but by the best records and no extras we will not be able to start any kind of treatment for four years. I will be 40 then. So we looked into adopting just to check on the cost and we are running into the same problem. This leads to the problem with feeling selfish. I have been told that I would make a great mother and have a great time working with a youth group that I am an adviser for. I want to have a family. I have always wanted a big family. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, taking care of my family. Now debt is keeping me from that dream and I am feeling like it is selfish of me to want a kid when I still owe money. I am not as young as I use to be and I can't really do two jobs anymore with out it straining my marriage. But I still want to have the family.
This leads me to pissed off. I have been having to keep from yelling at things like TV's and Radios or random people on the street when I am reminded how unfair things seem to be. I know that everyone has it hard and that I am not the only one that this applies to but it still sucks, that I did everything in the manner that I was told to do it and now I am screwed. I waited until I was in a healthy relationship to discuss marriage. I waited until I was married to try to have a kid. I worked my way through school, but had to stop when I couldn't afford it any more. I lived on my own instead of living off my parents like so many others my age. I didn't have kids out of wedlock like so many my age. I am on my first marriage. I did things right and now I get to deal with the side effects.
Today is just not my day. Thank you for anyone who read all the way through. Sorry if it seems like I am whining.