I am struggling.
I feel lost, lonely, anxious. I can't focus, I'm tired but often have trouble sleeping, especially in the early hours of the morning. I have a shorter fuse lately.
I can't seperate whether or not I am depressed, have SAD, or just having a hard time dealing with a rollercoaster of a year (or two).
Let me lay out the craziness that has happened. Please do not judge, I'm looking for honest advice, not flames. Or maybe just a place to vent...
2 years ago, left my then husband (no kids with him). Moved in with SO, then about 6 months later found out I was pg. Scary, but OK. We have primary custody of his son, and I know how great of a father he is. My family was super supportive of my pg, and happy that I had a healthy relationship. But SO's family freaked out, and were not nice to me. They still have issues accepting that our son is part of their family.
A month or so after DS arrived, I lost my job. We had a large savings account, so things were OK. Then SO lost his job about 3 months later. 2 kids, no income. It took us about 6 months each to get back to work, and we're trying to climb out of the debt we got into during no income (other than my unemployment).
In the middle of all this SO has had back problems. He is in constant pain, multiple dr's can't find the root cause. The military has him as a disabled vet. After over a year of treatments, just now the VA is telling us they won't pay (this whole time the payments were pending, some actually went through). Now in addition to the debt we got while unemployed, we have this mountain of medical bills dumped upon us. Never once did we get a letter or phone call (until a few weeks ago) that the VA wouldn't cover that certain Dr. Plus SO had talked to the VA person in charge of his care, and she told him that Dr would be fine to see. So now we're starting the appeal process of that...
This disability means that he isn't capable to help with the kids and housework as much as I would like. It's nowhere close to 50/50. When I ask for help, I feel guilty knowing that I'm subjecting him to pain, but I can't handle the weight of it all by myself anymore.
Add on top that DS is having swallowing problems, and our pedi wants him to do therapy. More medical bills. More worries.
I want to get into a dr, but afraid that if I'm Dx with depression that it will be used against us in any future custody on his son (his mother is mentally ill, and in the long run we want 100%). With how much we are in debt, I also can't see going to a therapist, as every penny counts at this point.
I just don't know where to start, where the root problem is, and how to fix it.
Any positive stories/advice would help.