I'll review the facts:
1) My boobs are like udders-- I think they're bigger than most of the animals I used to milk when I was a child working on the dairy farm.
2) My nipples are sore and especially sensitive to the cold, even if I am wearing 3 or 4 layers over them. I am seriously considering applying Bag Balm on them before I go outside these days. Maine in the winter is not the place to have sensitive nipples. (We always put Bag Balm on the cow's udders after milking, to protect them from getting chapped in the cold air.)
3) My skin is changing like crazy. Putting the contact dermatitis, changing moles, and ever-emerging skin tags aside, I've started getting brown patches on my cheeks-- almost like age spots. The patches remind me of a cow's hide.
4) I am starting to lumber and waddle like a cow with those ginormous hips. My ligaments are loosening and they weren't in a good place to begin with, after all my years of high-impact sports-playing and injuries. So now I can't walk too fast (that also makes me throw up) and when I do walk, I have this bizarre gait.
5) I'm almost always trying to eat something-- a string cheese, a carrot, etc-- so I feel like I'm constantly chewing my cud.
6) My latest craving the past 2 weeks has been salad. Which is pretty much glorified grass. (See item 5 again.)
I think I should change my name to Bessie. Now if I could only find a way to produce delicious milk, I wouldn't have to wait for MH to finish shoveling the driveway to get some from the store!