Parenting

I am Adam Lanza's Mother

http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother

I'm not posting this because of any reason other than this is a deep, deep fear of mine. To raise my sons in the best way that I know how, to love and cherish them forever, to lift them up and show the world how truly precious they are, only to have a mental illness destroy it all.

It really does terrify me.

Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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Re: I am Adam Lanza's Mother

  • It really scares me, too.  DH's uncle has schizophrenia, so I've seen what it's done to their entire family.  It's really scary. 
  • This. I read it last night and its truly terrifying what that woman goes through. And the scariest part for me is what is the solution here?  

  • This article moved me in a way I wasn't expecting. I can;t imagine fighting love vs fear everyday.
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  • I don't think this takes away the main message of the article I posted, but there has been discussion that the mother who wrote it isn't telling the whole truth.

    http://gawker.com/5968983/writer-of-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-blog-post-criticized-as-unfit-mother-with-own-history-of-violent-tendencies-mental-illness?tag=sandy-hook-shooting

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • I am so glad someone posted this. I read it last night and wanted to post it but, I figured it would be more meaningful if an actual mother ( and parent) did. 

    Thanks for posting- I think that is a great article.

    Skip the comments though- some real crazy folks out there. 

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  • This is so heart breaking, and scary at the same time ;(, a parents worst nightmare.  

  • As much as I think she has valid points, I have to wonder about all of her motives. 

    She changes the name of her son for "anonymity" then appears on the Today Show this morning?

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  • image cruelsound:

    I don't think this takes away the main message of the article I posted, but there has been discussion that the mother who wrote it isn't telling the whole truth.

    http://gawker.com/5968983/writer-of-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-blog-post-criticized-as-unfit-mother-with-own-history-of-violent-tendencies-mental-illness?tag=sandy-hook-shooting

    That is a pretty interesting article too. Yes

    I agree with you- I don't think it takes away from the main message of the original article that mental healthcare needs to be taken seriously and looked at.

    But the followup you posted there is a little worrisome too. 

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  • This is an incredibly terrifying article.  I feel for that woman and her two younger children.  I truly hope our country addresses the mental health issue with equal fervor to the flucking gun control debate that is about to take place.

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  • image robinsokj:

    As much as I think she has valid points, I have to wonder about all of her motives. 

    She changes the name of her son for "anonymity" then appears on the Today Show this morning?

    Look at that second article I posted. I don't think what this mom is doing is necessarily right, especially promoting her kid as the next mass murderer.

    The message at the core of her article is what struck me.

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • I read this last night too. For me, my child would be institutionalized the very second I thought there was need to make a plan to keep my other children safe.
  • I can't imagine being a parent in a situation with a child with a mental illness.  Just seems like never ending heartbreak no matter what you do.
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  • image robinsokj:

    As much as I think she has valid points, I have to wonder about all of her motives. 

    She changes the name of her son for "anonymity" then appears on the Today Show this morning?

    Possibly to put a face and story behind the clinical case that is her son?  I really cannot imagine that she is trying to gain anything other than a public face to the mental health discussion. 

    What do you think she aims to gain here?  If everyone who has a child that deals with mental illness just keeps quiet, stays out of the public eye, and doesn't share their story, then how does anyone become a catalyst for change?

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  • image morayme1:
    I read this last night too. For me, my child would be institutionalized the very second I thought there was need to make a plan to keep my other children safe.

    But that costs money, a lot of money and a lot of money (and insurance) is not something everyone has.

    This country's answer so far is to throw those with mental illness into prison, if it's applicable, and that (of course) isn't the answer.

    It's hard to say what is.

     

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • I posted this on Fb too, as it scared me as well. Imagine trying to keep your other kids safe all the time. There is nowhere these children can go.

     

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  • image RockyTopVols:
    image cruelsound:

    I don't think this takes away the main message of the article I posted, but there has been discussion that the mother who wrote it isn't telling the whole truth.

    http://gawker.com/5968983/writer-of-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-blog-post-criticized-as-unfit-mother-with-own-history-of-violent-tendencies-mental-illness?tag=sandy-hook-shooting

    That is a pretty interesting article too. Yes

    I agree with you- I don't think it takes away from the main message of the original article that mental healthcare needs to be taken seriously and looked at.

    But the followup you posted there is a little worrisome too. 

    I've seen some other criticisms, but I didn't see that she may have a history of violence herself.  Worrisome, indeed.

    The thing that her original article captured so well is the true lack of options some people face.  Treating a child who has a mental illness and violent tendencies is a problem that I think few people really consider.  A few years ago I probably would have said, "Take 'em to a child psychiatrist, they'll handle it, NBD."  The original article really laid out the fact that our current resources are not sufficient for all families.

  • image MJHershey:

    I posted this on Fb too, as it scared me as well. Imagine trying to keep your other kids safe all the time. There is nowhere these children can go.

    This isn't entirely accruate.  As Cruelsound pointed out, much of the available treatment and options are costly; however, they do exist. 

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  • I read that over the weekend, and I agree that it really is terrifying.  We, as a country, need to do way more for those who have mental disorders, and make serious changes to the healthcare system to get people the help they need.  Yeah, gun control and legislation is a part of the picture that needs to be changed, but the mental health crisis must be addressed (and should've been addressed long ago) too.
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  • I worry about this with DS. His BM has a history of some pretty difficult mental illnesses and I worry that no matter how hard I try to break the cycle for him, it will be moot because something so powerful as mental illness will overtake him. My main hope (aside from him not being affected, obviously) is that I've laid the groundwork for trust and bonds while he's little so that he will trust me enough and go along with the help he needs if that ends up being the case. 

    DS' BM didn't get the help she needed early enough because she was too suspicious of those trying to help her. It really exacerbated her issues. 


  • I have a fear of something like this happening with my own children. Mental illness has plagued so many members of my husband's family, my family and even, to a lesser extent, myself. Because of this, I worry about my children. It is a fear that was in me before Friday and will continue to be there until it proven vaild or not.

    I'm not questioning the mother's story, that's not what this is about. I'm not questioning anything that goes on behind closed doors because, when it comes down to it, I hurt for every member of that family. I don't think any of us would give her our shoes and place our feet in hers if given the chance. I read that article and saw that my own personal fears are the reality for many families and that is what is why I posted it.

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • image twatley:

    I think I am the only one who absolutely hated that story. I feel like all it does is create more fear, more worry about things we cannot change. The mother didn't come across as loving at all. If this is really her situation, then her child needs to be hospitalized. 

    I was neither inspired nor moved by this in the least. I felt as disconnected from this story as this woman clearly feels to her own child.  

    You are not the only one.

    http://theautismwars.blogspot.com/2012/12/you-are-not-adam-lanzas-mother.html#!/2012/12/you-are-not-adam-lanzas-mother.html

  • image cruelsound:

    image morayme1:
    I read this last night too. For me, my child would be institutionalized the very second I thought there was need to make a plan to keep my other children safe.

    But that costs money, a lot of money and a lot of money (and insurance) is not something everyone has.

    This country's answer so far is to throw those with mental illness into prison, if it's applicable, and that (of course) isn't the answer.

    It's hard to say what is.

    Not prison, a state institution. I would not keep any person in my house that had ever once threatend my safety or the safety of my other children. That's not fair to them.

  • image twatley:

    I think I am the only one who absolutely hated that story. I feel like all it does is create more fear, more worry about things we cannot change. The mother didn't come across as loving at all. If this is really her situation, then her child needs to be hospitalized. 

    I was neither inspired nor moved by this in the least. I felt as disconnected from this story as this woman clearly feels to her own child.  

    What is the "things we cannot change" aspect?  Obviously you cannot change if your child was born with a mental illness, but the point that I gathered is that there needs to be more options for someone in her situation.  I think the point is that there really isn't just a "hospitalization" for something like this.  It's an ongoing management of this.  Unless you are going to be paying out of pocket for an inpatient treatment, you are looking at incarceration as a long-term confinement/treatment solution.

    I also do not begrudge her the clinical detachment that appeared to come across in this article.  This situation hits very close to home for me.  My brother has major issues.  They are not this same brand of mental illness, and do not manifest themselves in this manner, but they are serious issues nonetheless.  Over the weekend, he got a DUI.  This is not the first or even the second time.  My mother is so emotionally wrapped up in his situation that she cannot think clearly.  It's not helping either of them, and frankly I think it's enabling much of his problems. 

    You need to view the person suffering from these through a non-emotional clinical perspective.  Her son needs help.  She has admitted it is the kind of help she cannot provide for him.  It does absolutely no good to be an emotional person in these situations.  Many people who suffer from mental illnesses never receive the help they need for a variety of reasons.  One of the major reasons is that those that are closest to them do not accurately see the problem or the extent of the issues. 

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  • image morayme1:
    image cruelsound:

    image morayme1:
    I read this last night too. For me, my child would be institutionalized the very second I thought there was need to make a plan to keep my other children safe.

    But that costs money, a lot of money and a lot of money (and insurance) is not something everyone has.

    This country's answer so far is to throw those with mental illness into prison, if it's applicable, and that (of course) isn't the answer.

    It's hard to say what is.

    Not prison, a state institution. I would not keep any person in my house that had ever once threatend my safety or the safety of my other children. That's not fair to them.

    I understand what you meant, I was just saying that not everyone has that option because they have no insurance or the money it costs to institutionalize a member of their family.

    I was also saying that, on a whole, our country's answer seems to be to throw people who have committed a crime due to mental illness into jail, which does not help them in any way.

    And, from what I understand, getting someone who is over 18 committed is not just as easy as driving to the hospital and signing some papers. So for those who haven't shown signs of harming others until later in life, which can happen, it's not usually an option.

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • image cruelsound:
    image morayme1:
    image cruelsound:

    image morayme1:
    I read this last night too. For me, my child would be institutionalized the very second I thought there was need to make a plan to keep my other children safe.

    But that costs money, a lot of money and a lot of money (and insurance) is not something everyone has.

    This country's answer so far is to throw those with mental illness into prison, if it's applicable, and that (of course) isn't the answer.

    It's hard to say what is.

    Not prison, a state institution. I would not keep any person in my house that had ever once threatend my safety or the safety of my other children. That's not fair to them.

    I understand what you meant, I was just saying that not everyone has that option because they have no insurance or the money it costs to institutionalize a member of their family.

    I was also saying that, on a whole, our country's answer seems to be to throw people who have committed a crime due to mental illness into jail, which does not help them in any way.

    And, from what I understand, getting someone who is over 18 committed is not just as easy as driving to the hospital and signing some papers. So for those who haven't shown signs of harming others until later in life, which can happen, it's not usually an option.

    You give the child up.

  • image morayme1:
    image cruelsound:
    image morayme1:

    Not prison, a state institution. I would not keep any person in my house that had ever once threatend my safety or the safety of my other children. That's not fair to them.

    I understand what you meant, I was just saying that not everyone has that option because they have no insurance or the money it costs to institutionalize a member of their family.

    I was also saying that, on a whole, our country's answer seems to be to throw people who have committed a crime due to mental illness into jail, which does not help them in any way.

    And, from what I understand, getting someone who is over 18 committed is not just as easy as driving to the hospital and signing some papers. So for those who haven't shown signs of harming others until later in life, which can happen, it's not usually an option.

    You give the child up.

    To whom?  I think you are trivializing things and being inflammatory which is a pity because I think you make some valid points and yet are just being trite and flippant about things so it sort of kills the debate or discussion.  Pity.

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  • You say "give the child up" like you're turning in a cat with a pissing problem.

    Boy the First 12.10.2010  I  Boy the Second 4.11.2012  I  Boy the Third 8.6.2014

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  • image twatley:

    I think I am the only one who absolutely hated that story. I feel like all it does is create more fear, more worry about things we cannot change. The mother didn't come across as loving at all. If this is really her situation, then her child needs to be hospitalized. 

    I was neither inspired nor moved by this in the least. I felt as disconnected from this story as this woman clearly feels to her own child.  

    Nope. I'm right there with you. There are also ways to access mental health care in the absence of insurance/money. She could sign over physical rights of her child and have him institutionalized. I have no idea what I'd do in her situation, but there are always options. 

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  • image cruelsound:

    You say "give the child up" like you're turning in a cat with a pissing problem.

    But God forbid, don't re-home a dog.

  • I know throwing this question about there isn't anywhere near actually living in the situation and making the decision, but if you had to give up your child and lock him or her away for the rest of their life when they are say, 12, would it REALLY be that easy to do? I don't want to even think about it, but I don't know if I would ever want to do that to my child, even if I knew I had no other option.

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