Hi...I'm new here. And I hate to be a dark storm cloud. But I just need a place to vent. Hope that's ok. I'll do an introduction soon to better explain things.
I'm 40, and was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure 4 years ago. I was also told it had "probably" occured when I was 30. I've sought out treatment and answers...and the experience has been painful, frustrating...sometimes humiliating.
My ex-fiance and I split up in the wake of my diagnosis (not because of it...I chose to not be together) Because I don't have a partner, it seems that people think this is not devastating. I don't want a pity party. But it is like a complete non-issue to my family. I've considered the possibility that they are trying to spare my feelings. But I don't think that is it. I have Epilepsy...and it is a lonely difficult illness. I've spent the past 25 years familiar with awkward pauses and silences regarding my health.
What I want is an answer...a cure...a baby. But if that can't happen, I at least want the right to mourn. If I try to broach the topic, it is always replaced with some family tragedy that is happening. And those are always, somehow, more important. My siblings had children when they were incredibly young, as did their own kids. There were/are a lot of issues (which I won't mention here), and that was one thing that kept holding me back from having children. I first wanted to try to mend things...or wait until they weren't as crazy. Plus, when things got really stressful it would cause problems with my epilepsy. So the clock was ticking, but I couldn't even hear it over the chaos.
Having a chronic illness is incredibly difficult and can be very alienating. It also takes bites out of your life. But it taught me at a young age to appreciate the small things and recognize that which is truly important. All I've ever really wanted is a family of my own. Now that I'm allowing myself to feel some of this, it really sucks. I tried to talk about it a little bit tonight. I needed my mom just to be "mom-like"...not something that has ever come easily for her. The few times we've talked about this she either gets mean-spirited, just says get over it, or bursts out crying and makes it about her not having a grand-child. She has never just said she is sorry that I am going through this... Is it weird that I need that acknowledged? Tonight she said, you just need to get over this...maybe take up a new hobby. I was stunned. Having a family is not a hobby...and I can't think of one that takes it's place.
I want to say this: "I go through my day and no one would know. I don't cry in public. I don't acknowledge that nearly everything COULD make me sad if I let it...Christmas Stockings I won't stuff, cupcakes I won't make, presents I won't wrap...witnessing parents having fun with their kids...witnessing bad parents that shouldn't have kids. I don't acknowledge that I hear 4 different family members pretty much only speak of their children in terms of burden and disappointment. I don't mention that having POF is not just a matter of not having the family that I desperately want. My body has changed into one that I don't recognize. My weight went from 100 lbs to 180 in 3 months. While my girlfriends speak of the joy of their sexual peak, I'm concerned about osteoporosis, heart health and my hair falling out. I'm ignored by the medical community, in part because I don't have a husband (so they seem to figure I don't need to mend my thyroid/adrenal/ovarian issues)...and in part because they can't figure my case out. I would absolutely love it if a Doctor had the respect to just look me in the eye and tell me they don't know why. I would rather they be honest about the lack of knowledge/answers. After all, they don't seem to have any problem cutting off all hope."
I decided last week that I am not going to spend the holidays with my family this year. I am going to stay with a friend who can't get home for Christmas. I know this will still be weighing on my heart, but I've been slow to learn the lesson that I can't change the chaos. And I think I hung in too long trying...and I changed the course of my life, in a really regretable way. I will be spending Christmas with a friend of mine, who can't get home for the holidays. We are going to be doing some of those things that I would want to do with my own family...traditions, etc. I think it's the right thing to do.
Thanks for reading/"listening". I figured this might be healthier than eating half a box of cookies.