It's taken me a week to get finally decide to post on this board, which for some may be a short amount a time, but since I am home all day by myself, I have had a lot of time to reflect.
I loss my beautiful daughter Zoe Renee on Saturday December the 8th at 20 weeks 1 day. My story starts that Tuesday.I just remember dropping off food for my husband and when I hopped out the car I felt a pressure in my abdomen. After it went away I didn't think much of it because I have always heard of the everything stretching and since this was my first pregnancy I had no reason to believe it was anything else. Well, later in the day the pressure was followed by a small amount of brown blood. Call the Dr. and was told to monitor it if it got worse. When I got home I had a very watery discharge with slight red streaks. My husband took me to the labor and delivery just as a precaution. I totally expected to be sent home as a paranoid first time mom, until they did the exam and informed me that my water bag was showing as I was 3-4cm dilated. I was terrified. For a few days we held out hope that with strict bed rest we could stop the inevitable, but by Saturday morning we were informed that there was nothing that could be done. I have an incompetent cervix. You don't know until it's to late for some, and unfortunately for me that was the case.
I was in labor the entire day. I missed my window for an epidural due to the pain so at 1:46 I had Zoe natural. I have never cried so much. I have never seen my husband cry so much, and the nurses, and doctors, and so on. Zoe was the most beautiful baby in the world. She was so perfect to me. She was .10oz and 10 1/2in long. We had just had the A/S on Monday so we knew she would be a perfectly healthy baby, just to young to survive. She lived with us here on earth for over seven hours. I held her, rocked her, kissed her, pleaded for her to stay, and apologized repeatedly for not protecting her.
I miss her so so so much. And even when I think I am all cried out I still manage to shed a tear for her. I would give anything to feel her kick or move. I would love to rub my belly and know that she was there, sleeping.
My husband and I are having a hard time dealing with this together. He has jumped into work and hates the "gloomy" atmosphere of our home now. I want him closer and to cry together, but I know that won't happen. Part of me is so eager to try again, but the other half of me is so scared of this happening again.
I know this is long, so last thing. I wrote a poem for Zoe today. I must have read it 50 times, so I leave it hear so she knows how much I care.
I don't want to be sad, I just really want you back. People say God had a different plan for you, and I'll have to live with that.
Zoe, I didn't ask for you to leave me, but I begged and pleaded for you to stay. Unfortunately, I didn't get my wish you had to leave me anyway.
To hold you in my arms is what I really need, to carry you in my belly for just a few more weeks.
You were such a fighter, and
you fought until the end. It sucks that where your eternal peace starts is where my heartache begins
I love you so much Zoe and l want you to always know, that you my angel, Zoe Renee, have forever touched my soul.
I love you so much Zoe