Working Moms

S/O -- affair

I'm curious.

Let's say you found out you had herpes, and when you called a good friend to talk to her about it, she told you that you'd probably gotten it from your husband's mistress, who she had known about for a while.

Would you feel like your friend had acted appropriately by keeping knowledge of the affair to herself?

Would the gender of the friend influence your answer?

Would whether the friend knew you before he/she knew your husband influence your answer?

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Re: S/O -- affair

  • I would think that if she never brought it up before that she would bring it up in a more tactful way...like insinuate an affair in general.  I'd probably be hurt more if the friend was mainly mine...but I would think I wouldn't go around telling people I have Herpes in the first place, and that if I did that person would be really close to ME. I think I would probably already have the thought my husband was cheating when I found out in the first place...because well...I'm not cheating, and it didn't just hop into my pants.  

    I think this is kind of silly...unless I'm the friend in question...and she thinks I'm the person having an affair with her husband and thinking she's going to catch me off guard.

    I could understand a friend not telling, so many people lose friends by telling of affairs, because the hurt party either gets mad at them, or reconciles with their S/O and then decided they can't be friends anymore.  I know too many people that have lost friends and stood by their man...shooting the messenger as it were.

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  • I'd be pissed as hell that he or she kept it from me and never speak to that person again. Then I'd promptly file for divorce.
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  • I would be totally pi$$ed that I wasn't told.
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  • image Estwd2:
    I'd be pissed as hell that he or she kept it from me and never speak to that person again. Then I'd promptly file for divorce.

    Yep. If I'm telling her about my std I'm guessing we were close. That level of closeness means I had a lot of trust that would be destroyed by that revelation
  • image Poppywedding:
    Why are you asking this?

    Because of brewcitybride's post below about her friend's affair.  Most people said they either wouldn't confront the friend or would confront her/encourage her to tell her husband, but wouldn't actually intervene.

    I was curious whether that was because of the genders involved or the way the question was phrased, or whether people really did think as a blanket rule that infidelity was not an appropriate place for a friend to step in.

     

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  • There can be too many variables in a situation like this. The answers are not always a simple yes or no. 

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  • image Manateearmz:
    There can be too many variables in a situation like this. The answers are not always a simple yes or no. 

    This. 

  • Would you feel like your friend had acted appropriately by keeping knowledge of the affair to herself? No way, I've known my girlfriends since 1st grade. Although some of us don't talk all that often (sadly..), we still tell eachother everything when we do have time to get together. I'm pretty sure if one of my girls knew my FI was cheating and didn't tell me, it would be the absolute end to our friendship. We have this pact that if there's some serious negatives about our significant others, that we tell eachother (some of us more gently than others).

    Would the gender of the friend influence your answer? I don't have any guy friends, other than my girlfriends hubbys/boyfriends. So yes.. mostly because if I had a guy friend he couldn't have been around as long as my girls, and therefore not as strong of a bond to eachother.

    Would whether the friend knew you before he/she knew your husband influence your answer? Again, doesn't really apply in my case. Girlfriends I met in 1st grade, fiance/boyfriend/baby daddy thing I met in college. But if I had friends that were friends with him first, then I guess I could see them keeping it secret, since they would be more loyal to him. I'd still be pissed as all hell though.

    What would bug me most, and I saw this on another board, is where the hell did my FI get time to have an affair... for real. If he's got time for that, then he's got time for laundry, vacuuming, mopping, and the dishes!

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  • Ahhhh, herpes....the gift that keeps on giving.

    I hope my friend would present the mistress in a sensitive manner. Yes, I would be pissed the info was kept from me. I believe my feelings hurt more from the mistress and STD than the secret. Eventually, I would be more understanding of the dilemma my friend faced. I'm closer to GF and bc we are the same gender it may hurt more. The guy friends I may be a more lenient with. Most are H's friends anyway. I acknowledge I'm a hypocrite.
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  • There is only one friend I can imagine sharing my herpes news with and if she knew that DH was cheating and didn't tell me, I would be livid. I would absolutely tell her if I knew her DH was having an affair and I would not understand. I don't know if I would forgive her. Her offense would be greather than other friends, but my need for her is also greater, KWIM?

    More casual friends, I really am not sure. If I had a complete personality change and told them about said herpes and they responded as described, well, I'm sure I would be angry because I have a temper and my life would have just fallen apart, but I would probably eventually understand. Understanding doesn't necessarily mean I'd want to associate with them anymore, though.

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  • First of all not all herpes is genital herpes! You can get herpes from taking a sip from your friend's cocktail at a bar!!

    I probably would be hurt at the begining, but also understand it was not her place to tell me that my husband is cheating on me. Poeple have strange ways of taking the news! Depending on the situation, she may accuse you of defaming her and her family and just cut ties with you. Or the wife may know the husband is cheating and for whatever reason she is fine with it or she is getting ready to file a divorce, but not making it public.  Sometimes couples kiss and make up and you end up looking like the meddling friend. So my rule of thumb is nodge/hint so they can find out on their own, but never say it out loud.  

  • Did the original thread get deleted??
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  • I know this is an unpopular stance-- but I am sorry-- what other married couples do is none of anybody's business.  Cheating or not, herpes or not.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

    I am assuming this is purely fictional, but if I knew that my friend's husband was potentially cheating on her with someone that potentially had herpes, I would not tell that friend.  It's none of my business. 

    And I sure as h3ll would not tell them after the fact.

    Nothing would influence my answer.

    The ONLY and I mean ONLY way I would ever get involved in someone else's "affairs" is if I had concrete knowledge that say, a spouse was planning on killing another spouse. 

     

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  • image Helenahhandbasket:

    I know this is an unpopular stance-- but I am sorry-- what other married couples do is none of anybody's business.  Cheating or not, herpes or not.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

    I am assuming this is purely fictional, but if I knew that my friend's husband was potentially cheating on her with someone that potentially had herpes, I would not tell that friend.  It's none of my business. 

    And I sure as h3ll would not tell them after the fact.

    Nothing would influence my answer.

    The ONLY and I mean ONLY way I would ever get involved in someone else's "affairs" is if I had concrete knowledge that say, a spouse was planning on killing another spouse. 

    Isn't the number one rule of having an affair not to leave evidence?  If the hypothetical spouse isn't intelligent enough to protect themselves against extramarital STD's then they get what they deserve. I would deny any knowledge of said activities since it isn't my business. I too wouldn't be the one to suggest where the new STD could have potentially came from.  If you can't figure out that you didn't have an STD when you got married neither did your spouse, and you both have one now but don't know how that could be,... well then I just can't help all the Darwin winners of the world. The only exception would be if I could be linked to criminal charges. 

    I'll add by saying even if this hypothetical affair resulted in a child rather than an STD, I still would keep my mouth shut.  

  • image Estwd2:
    I'd be pissed as hell that he or she kept it from me and never speak to that person again. Then I'd promptly file for divorce.

    and I would be behind you in line.  

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  • I'm with the 'it depends' crowd... who the friend is, how long they've known, what the circumstances are, are they or their SO friends w/ MH, etc etc etc. I think it is a realllllly hard place to be in for people and it is not black & white but I'm not really a black & white person &have to be honest in that I cannot even say I would 100% leave MH if I found out he cheated on me.

    In addition, in college my boyfriend was regularly-ish cheating on me & toward the end a few of my good friends found out since we all kind of had the same circles of friends/parties/etc. I'm not sure how long they knew & I never asked & I was never mad that they didn't tell me, in particular the the one who was dating a good friend of his b/c she was caught b/w betraying me & betraying the BF. I did find out b/c one of my friends made a comment out at a party that made me realize what she was trying to say & I confronted him at that point. 

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