January 2013 Moms

feeling left out....

My daughter said something to me tonight that just hurt my feelings. This will be my second child. I have a 13 year old that told me tonight she thinks when the baby comes no one is gonna pay attention to her anymore. That just hurt my heart to hear her say that. I told her that would never happen but I also had to explain to her that a baby is very needy & will need more for a little while, I also let her know that she will be part of the processes helping out & all. I know she doesn't want to share me & I'm gonna try my hardest to not leave her out but I thought this only happened with younger siblings.
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Re: feeling left out....

  • My aunt had this problem, her DD was 12 when she had DS. They sat down one day (before DS's birth) and talked about how a LO is a lot of work and how she is going to needs lots of help and asked DD how she would like to help and what jobs she would want to help with LO. My cousin picked dressing him in the morning and getting his bottles ready. I think making her part of it early on, and her seeing she was needed and wanted made her feel much better. And it made her close with her brother and have her own relationship with him.
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  • Ouch.  :(  I think it happens at every age, no matter what.  Yours is just old enough to verbalize her fears/concerns, which I'm actually a little jealous of.  I would have a sit down with her and make sure you thank her for talking to you about her concerns to make sure she knows she can always come to you with stuff like that.  And make plans now to do a few special things with her once the baby comes-it doesn't have to be big, but something that is just for the 2 of you.  Maybe something like every afternoon go for a 15 minute walk after school or something?  Ask what she would like for the 2 of you to do to make sure you get time together, because she's old enough now to give you some reasonable ideas I would think.  

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  • I was 12 when my nephew was born and my mom ended up raising him. The hardest thing for me was that I felt he hated me. He never wanted me to hold him and would just cry. I remember feeling hurt by this. And I do remember feeling like he had stole my mom from me. It's a hard thing at any age. Whether kids admit it or not, pre teens and teens needs lot of emotion support from their parents even if they seem distant. I got over it but ill admit that I've never forgiven my sister for not raising her own kids out of laziness causing me to lose my mom. And yes it still kinda feels that way. It's dumb but it's sometimes hard not to feel that way no matter what you do as a parent.
  • My 13 yr old niece has been the baby for the past 13 years and feels the same way. They don't even live in the same state as us!  At first she was excited but she's started throwing tantrums and keeps saying "what's the big deal about a baby anyway?" and overall resents him even though he hasn't arrived and really won't affect her life much as we only see them 1-2 times a year.  I think losing any attention is hard for a kid, no matter how old/young they are.  Once she meets the new babies their attitude will change I'm sure because she'll just fall in love.  Don't worry, it will be ok!

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  • I was 8 when my brother was born and got to a point where I told my mom to take him back, I didn't want a brother anymore... talk about how much that must of hurt her - obviously I had no clule what I was saying though. 

    I think it can actually be harder for an older sibling to adjust than a younger one since they've been an only child for so long. 

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