There is no real point to this post. I've just been in a weird place since Saturday and am trying to work though it. It feels like a hormonal kind of weird, but I'd think since I'm on continuous BCP my hormones would level...
As I wrapped Christmas gifts on Saturday I thought about how I'm just not in the "Christmas Spirit" this year and how, other than the religious aspect of the season, it's all pointless. What does it matter if I decorate my house? There are no children who would be in awe of the lights and decorations. There are no gifts that I want. I want to be able to give a child of my own gifts and see their little face light up with excitement. The only thing I look forward to is spending time with family I don't get to see very often, but then part of that time will be spent at my grandparent's house watching my niece and cousins' children open their gifts. I'm the only grandchild on my mother's side without children.
At dusk I was going through my house closing the blinds and the last room I went into was the room that would be a nursery. It just made me so sad to go in there. I sat on the bed and cried for a few minutes thinking all I want is to be a mother, but I made myself get up and stay busy the rest of the evening. Yesterday, I woke up in a funk and then there was a baby dedication at church so that didn't help. It just made me feel so empty. Today I keep feeling like I want to cry again.
Last night my mom called and asked again what I want for Christmas and I think I upset her by being a little short with her about it. I told DH about our conversation later and said I should have told her to just have everyone who wants to buy me a gift give me money for IVF because all I want is a child.
I know that I am very blessed to have no material needs or even wants. Next year I'm just going to tell everyone to give a charitable donation on my behalf and not buy me anything!