June 2013 Moms

Judgment and pressure!

A close friend of mine who happens to be a Doula got a little judgmental toward me last night regarding my labor and delivery choices. 

I am not opposed to:  Hospitals, epidurals/pain meds, and surgical intervention when necessary.   I like and trust my doctor, and have faith in the practice as a whole.  She seems to have huge issues with this.  I think she would only be happy if I were headed to the farm, armed only with a strap of leather for pain management.  LOL!

 Later in the evening, we were talking about her recent engagement.  She told me they had a date picked (middle of October) and that they want me to photograph the wedding.  ::record skip::  I stopped photographing weddings last year.  They are too much work and not enough money - my friend KNOWS this.  I will also have a 3.5 month old baby at the time of her wedding.  I have no idea how I will feel - and I really don't think I will be ok with saddling my husband with 100% baby-duty for the entire weekend, at the out of town wedding while I work. 

 What the........................

 I had to vent - but please offer me suggestions on how to shut this thing down!

 

Re: Judgment and pressure!

  • Decline the wedding tell your friend that you aren't interested in talking about your birth plan
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  • Shut it down quickly. Call her and say that you talked with your H and decided that there are too many variables involved to be able to commit to shooting her wedding and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible so she can seek out another photog.

    Hopefully she won't fight you, but if she does, just stick to your guns and say that with a young baby, it's too much to commit to. Sounds like she's jut trying to get a deal on photography, so don't you worry about turning her down. GL.
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  • Well baby you should tell her how you feel.. And let her know that just having the baby will probably be the reason you can't do it. I know you don't want to hurt her feeling but she has to know that your not the best choice to be her photographer. If she doesn't understand , that's just being selfish.
  • image skio:
    Shut it down quickly. Call her and say that you talked with your H and decided that there are too many variables involved to be able to commit to shooting her wedding and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible so she can seek out another photog. Hopefully she won't fight you, but if she does, just stick to your guns and say that with a young baby, it's too much to commit to. Sounds like she's jut trying to get a deal on photography, so don't you worry about turning her down. GL.

    Agree with this.  And if she tries to ask you more about your birth plans/etc just say that you do not want to discuss them with her.  It's really none of her business if she's going to be all judgy about it.

  • I wouldn't stress over your friend too much and her opinion about your labor and delivery needs. Everyone had an opinion and everyone likes to voice them some a little more rudely than others. I'd let it go in one ear and right on out the other. Let her have a baby the way she wants and you have yours the way you want. What's good for one isn't always good for everyone. I have some over zealous friends who like to throw their opinions all over the place and think that they speak the golden law. I tell them just how it is. Good for you have fun with that cause for me this is how it is.

    As far as pictures. Don't be afraid to say no. I would say thank you so much for thinking of me and wanting me to do that for you I feel honored. However I am going to have a lot on my plate with a new baby and I just don't feel comfortable taking on such a big project like that. I don't know if she has children or not but people who don't really don't know what all is entailed in taking care of a baby. It is easy to fill our plates too and be overwhelmed. I have fallen victim to this so many times. I use to be a party planner so everyone comes to me for every event and function and I couldn't say no. So I had parties out the using yang and trying to juggle three kids and all their stuff and then being involved at the school. It was insane finally I was like look I have a baby I'm not doing anything sorry. I felt such a relief!!!

    Good luck
  • image kread8:

    image skio:
    Shut it down quickly. Call her and say that you talked with your H and decided that there are too many variables involved to be able to commit to shooting her wedding and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible so she can seek out another photog. Hopefully she won't fight you, but if she does, just stick to your guns and say that with a young baby, it's too much to commit to. Sounds like she's jut trying to get a deal on photography, so don't you worry about turning her down. GL.

    Agree with this.  And if she tries to ask you more about your birth plans/etc just say that you do not want to discuss them with her.  It's really none of her business if she's going to be all judgy about it.

    +1

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  • image skio:
    Shut it down quickly. Call her and say that you talked with your H and decided that there are too many variables involved to be able to commit to shooting her wedding and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible so she can seek out another photog.

    Hopefully she won't fight you, but if she does, just stick to your guns and say that with a young baby, it's too much to commit to. Sounds like she's jut trying to get a deal on photography, so don't you worry about turning her down. GL.


    I agree.

    If she brings up birth plans again, I would tell her kindly that you respect her opinions but are confident in the decisions you are making for your family and situation. End conversation.
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  • Thanks all. 

     Sometimes I just need to hear what I am thinking from other people.  This is my first pregnancy, and as a lot of you know, there are a lot more "firsts" that go with it.  I do not feel comfortable making any huge plans (like wedding photography -even for a close friend) when I have NO IDEA how being a new Mom will feel.

     I am going to talk to her in the next week or so, and let her know that there is no chance of me taking on this project with so many unknowns hanging out there. 

  • Sadly the birth plan conversation won't be the end of people giving their opinions.  It's part of being a parent, having to listen as EVERYONE tells you what you should be doing.  It gets annoying, but you just go with your gut and do what feels right for your LO.  

    I am proud to admit I gave birth in a hospital, had an epidural, and chose not to breastfeed.  How controversial was I!  The thing is, my little man is amazing, and he is the best behaved 5 year old I could have asked for.  We get compliments on him all the time.  One friend that did everything the "right" way, has a daughter that is uncontrollable and has severe anger issues.  There isn't a formula for how to have the perfect baby, you figure it out for yourself.  What worked best for someone else might not work for you.

    Also, I don't regret my hospital/epidural decision for a second because I laboured for 16 hours at home, got admitted to the hospital and laboured another 6 without an epidural.  I had severe back labour and was not progressing.  Finally they gave me an epidural and I progressed right away!  Turns out ds was crooked and was not lowering into the canal because of it.  The epidural made me relax and he was born one hour later!  He actually was born so fast that he was not breathing when he was born and needed to be resuscitated.  If I weren't in a hospital setting, and hadn't had that epidural, things may not have turned out ok. I know that natural child birth is a wonderful thing, and midwives/doulas are experts at giving birth, but honestly the decision to go with my doctor felt right.   

    Parenting is about making the decisions that are going to be best for LO in the long run, and help let the family adjust.  It's possible that my ds would have been well behaved because of his nature, but it's also possible that he's easygoing because I kept everything calm, easy and routine for him when he was a baby.

    I guess I'll see when this one was born how my parenting skills hold up!  I've heard the 2nd baby is always the opposite.... that's why we waited 5 years, we were too scared! 


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  • image skio:
    Shut it down quickly. Call her and say that you talked with your H and decided that there are too many variables involved to be able to commit to shooting her wedding and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible so she can seek out another photog. Hopefully she won't fight you, but if she does, just stick to your guns and say that with a young baby, it's too much to commit to. Sounds like she's jut trying to get a deal on photography, so don't you worry about turning her down. GL.

    I agree with this as well.  And as for the birth plan, I would just let that roll off your back (we call that acting like a duck at our house- letting things just roll right off you).  Everyone is going to have an opinion, and a lot of people will share them whether it is solicited or not.  You just do what is good for you, and let everything else roll off your back.  

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    Bennett Andrew
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  • Don't talk to her about your labor and delivery choices again. If she tries, steer the conversation away. Also, thank her for the offer to photograph the wedding but tell her that you're not photographing weddings anymore.
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