School-Aged Children

8 y.o daughter how to tell her

Okay so my mom's sister has been struggling w/ drugs on and off forever. She has lost custody of her 3 daughters under the age of 4. My mom has decided to step up and wants to foster them. My mom has been in a relationship w/ her gf for almost 8 years literally like 2wks after my oldest was born. So my oldest knows her as gma also and is very close to her. Anywho my mom and her gf are going to seperate cause my moms partner is not up for the task of taking on 3 kids they never even met and etc. Which is understandable. But my mom has made her decision, there breaking up and my moms gf moves out tomorrow she found an apt. very close by, but the dilemma is what do I say to my oldest? My mom doesnt think she can break the news but idk what to say either?

Any advice as how to break the news softly and in a way an 8 y.o can understand? TIA

Re: 8 y.o daughter how to tell her

  • I'd talk to your mom and her gf, individually, to find out what their expectations are. IME, under similar circumstances, former female partners sometimes remain in contact with children they've grown close to in prevuious relationship. My niece's DH's mom has been in several relationships since she came out; when they DN and her DH married, all but one of the MIL's fgfs attended- these women remained in touch with NIl over the years.

    I would be more concerned that your DD is going to be impacted by your mom being distracted by 3 needy LOs. IME, grandparents who assume parental roles are seldom as effective as grandparents. My parents never really bonded with my DS when they were raising my sister's kids. I never had a grandmother on dad's side because mine was raising my ddeadbeat aunt's kids. I hope I'm wrong.

  • I agree with Auntie as always, find out what the GF's intentions are and explain it as a divorce knowing even if she does plan on staying involved with your DD and you want it that might wane over time. But if Auntie's concerns happen she can be really helpful as a grandmother if yours is too busy.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • Obviously talk to the GM/GF and find out what their long-term intentions are which can really change things.  If they plan to still communicate/be close friends, then I'd just treat it as a NBD GM's GF is getting a place of her own because GM is going to be taking care of the kids...  Don't make more out of it than there is!!!  You only have to answer the questions that your 8yo presents, don't try to turn it into something major using adult logic when it doesn't need to be...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Ugh.  That's a very tough situation, and I am sorry your mom is having to make such a tough choice.  I hope that both she and her gf can come to a place where they are both at peace with things.

    Anyway, I would just say, "Grandma is going to take care of your cousins for a while because their mom is sick and can't take care of them right now.  Taking care of 3 little kids is a big job and Grandma will need to be focused on them because it will be hard for them to be away from their mommy.  So, Grandma's friend is going to live in her own apartment for a while."

    If you are uncertain whether or not your mom's gf is going to keep in touch with you and your DD, that's all I would say for now.  If DD asks, you'll have to be honest and say that both grandma and her friend are a little stressed out over the situation right now, and that you'll have to wait until things settle down.

    If, on the other hand, you are reasonably sure that mom's gf will keep in touch with you, you can add, "We will still see Grandma's friend sometimes, but she and Grandma won't be living together." 

    HTH! 

    Secondary English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 8th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 3rd grade
  • image -auntie-:

    I'd talk to your mom and her gf, individually, to find out what their expectations are. IME, under similar circumstances, former female partners sometimes remain in contact with children they've grown close to in prevuious relationship. My niece's DH's mom has been in several relationships since she came out; when they DN and her DH married, all but one of the MIL's fgfs attended- these women remained in touch with NIl over the years.

    I would be more concerned that your DD is going to be impacted by your mom being distracted by 3 needy LOs. IME, grandparents who assume parental roles are seldom as effective as grandparents. My parents never really bonded with my DS when they were raising my sister's kids. I never had a grandmother on dad's side because mine was raising my ddeadbeat aunt's kids. I hope I'm wrong.

    Wow. . . . your right. I didnt even think about how that relationship (gma to grandchild) relationship would effect my daughter more. I mean I had the common sense to know oh man she wont have time for my kids but my oldest is VERY, VERY close with  her grandma(s) . My mom is the closest w/ my oldest as she was the first and only grandchild for 6 years. My moms consistantly kept her overnights since she was tiny and baby sat a lot while I worked. Man. . .this is going to be hard.

    As far as I know my moms partner loves her and wants to stay together she just can't take part in the fostering. She knows she will not be able to handle it. My mom however says since she cant be there to support her through this then they are broken up immediatly upon her moving out which is like today or tomorrow. My mom and her partner both have a lot of issues like bi-poler, fibromyalgia, depression etc. . . .They have both been through very traumatic experiences through out their lives. I appreciate my moms partner in acknowledging that with the things she struggles through daily she can't keep up w/ the stresses of 3 kids under 4 who they never met and these kids will come with behavior issues etc. My mom has been playing "hero" if you will thinking she can take on this at this time in her life. She has fibromyalgia and struggles w/ depression as well, and bi-poler disorder and is on many meds. She can't even keep up w/ my kids during times of visiting . . .I am scared for her but she says she can do it. I dont want to be that kid who keep being negative so right now I am just sarting to support her.

     

    Sorry I apparently needed to vent, and I erased alot as is too lol. Thanks so much ladies you all gave great advice!!!

     

  • image Anxiousmami:
    image -auntie-:

    I'd talk to your mom and her gf, individually, to find out what their expectations are. IME, under similar circumstances, former female partners sometimes remain in contact with children they've grown close to in prevuious relationship. My niece's DH's mom has been in several relationships since she came out; when they DN and her DH married, all but one of the MIL's fgfs attended- these women remained in touch with NIl over the years.

    I would be more concerned that your DD is going to be impacted by your mom being distracted by 3 needy LOs. IME, grandparents who assume parental roles are seldom as effective as grandparents. My parents never really bonded with my DS when they were raising my sister's kids. I never had a grandmother on dad's side because mine was raising my ddeadbeat aunt's kids. I hope I'm wrong.

    Wow. . . . your right. I didnt even think about how that relationship (gma to grandchild) relationship would effect my daughter more. I mean I had the common sense to know oh man she wont have time for my kids but my oldest is VERY, VERY close with  her grandma(s) . My mom is the closest w/ my oldest as she was the first and only grandchild for 6 years. My moms consistantly kept her overnights since she was tiny and baby sat a lot while I worked. Man. . .this is going to be hard.

    As far as I know my moms partner loves her and wants to stay together she just can't take part in the fostering. She knows she will not be able to handle it. My mom however says since she cant be there to support her through this then they are broken up immediatly upon her moving out which is like today or tomorrow. My mom and her partner both have a lot of issues like bi-poler, fibromyalgia, depression etc. . . .They have both been through very traumatic experiences through out their lives. I appreciate my moms partner in acknowledging that with the things she struggles through daily she can't keep up w/ the stresses of 3 kids under 4 who they never met and these kids will come with behavior issues etc. My mom has been playing "hero" if you will thinking she can take on this at this time in her life. She has fibromyalgia and struggles w/ depression as well, and bi-poler disorder and is on many meds. She can't even keep up w/ my kids during times of visiting . . .I am scared for her but she says she can do it. I dont want to be that kid who keep being negative so right now I am just sarting to support her.

    Sorry I apparently needed to vent, and I erased alot as is too lol. Thanks so much ladies you all gave great advice!!!

    Man this sounds like one big nightmare.  You need to figure out how you will play into this and where your boundries are, if your Mom cannot handle your kids for a visit sometimes then what is she going to do when she is in pain and depressed, is she going to call you and will you come?  I really hope all goes well but have a feeling those kids will not be with her long if she is deal with all of that, is she officially fostering them?  I am shocked she would pass a home study.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • image Littlejen22:
    image Anxiousmami:
    image -auntie-:

    I'd talk to your mom and her gf, individually, to find out what their expectations are. IME, under similar circumstances, former female partners sometimes remain in contact with children they've grown close to in prevuious relationship. My niece's DH's mom has been in several relationships since she came out; when they DN and her DH married, all but one of the MIL's fgfs attended- these women remained in touch with NIl over the years.

    I would be more concerned that your DD is going to be impacted by your mom being distracted by 3 needy LOs. IME, grandparents who assume parental roles are seldom as effective as grandparents. My parents never really bonded with my DS when they were raising my sister's kids. I never had a grandmother on dad's side because mine was raising my ddeadbeat aunt's kids. I hope I'm wrong.

    Wow. . . . your right. I didnt even think about how that relationship (gma to grandchild) relationship would effect my daughter more. I mean I had the common sense to know oh man she wont have time for my kids but my oldest is VERY, VERY close with  her grandma(s) . My mom is the closest w/ my oldest as she was the first and only grandchild for 6 years. My moms consistantly kept her overnights since she was tiny and baby sat a lot while I worked. Man. . .this is going to be hard.

    As far as I know my moms partner loves her and wants to stay together she just can't take part in the fostering. She knows she will not be able to handle it. My mom however says since she cant be there to support her through this then they are broken up immediatly upon her moving out which is like today or tomorrow. My mom and her partner both have a lot of issues like bi-poler, fibromyalgia, depression etc. . . .They have both been through very traumatic experiences through out their lives. I appreciate my moms partner in acknowledging that with the things she struggles through daily she can't keep up w/ the stresses of 3 kids under 4 who they never met and these kids will come with behavior issues etc. My mom has been playing "hero" if you will thinking she can take on this at this time in her life. She has fibromyalgia and struggles w/ depression as well, and bi-poler disorder and is on many meds. She can't even keep up w/ my kids during times of visiting . . .I am scared for her but she says she can do it. I dont want to be that kid who keep being negative so right now I am just sarting to support her.

    Sorry I apparently needed to vent, and I erased alot as is too lol. Thanks so much ladies you all gave great advice!!!

    Man this sounds like one big nightmare.  You need to figure out how you will play into this and where your boundries are, if your Mom cannot handle your kids for a visit sometimes then what is she going to do when she is in pain and depressed, is she going to call you and will you come?  I really hope all goes well but have a feeling those kids will not be with her long if she is deal with all of that, is she officially fostering them?  I am shocked she would pass a home study.

     She is not officially fostering them no. She has another follow up visit on the 6th and she needs to show improvement like 3 beds, 3 carseat, adquate room for the girls safety etc etc. I think after that visit they will determine yes the girls will be here by such and such. Or no. We all live very close to eachother literally wlaking distance. I live maybe 5min drive and my brother 3min away from my mom. I will be there as much as I can , however I do have 3 kids to take care of also. 8y.o, 2y.o and 1month. I hope everything works out at this point cause so far this is happening.

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