March 2013 Moms

baby name disagreement

Hello ladies! I hope you all are well and are enjoying the holidays! 

My husband and I are having a disagreement on baby names. Any advice from you gals would be wonderful.

We found out that we are having a girl. My husband would like to name our baby after his late mother who passed away 9 years ago. To be honest, I don't really like this name. My husband comes from one of those families where everyone's name starts with the first 3 letters. So, if we do name this baby after his mom, her name will sound almost identical to my husband's name, along with his dad's name, his sister's name, and his brother's name. I am not a fan of naming trends where everyone in the family's name is almost the same name.

I feel like naming our baby after his mom is an honorable gesture, but I also feel like I am being selfish for taking this right away from my husband. Using her name as a middle name is not an exception (according to him) and using a shorter version of her name would fall into the top 10 baby name category (another naming trend that I am not a fan of).

I realize we still have 3 months to discuss names and nothing has been set in stone. This disagreement is not affecting our marriage or causing any hurt feelings (yet). Is there anyone who is or has gone through the same thing? What were your solutions? I am open to any kind of advice.

Thanks girls! 

Re: baby name disagreement

  • It seems as though some compromise is needed.  Your DH should respect that you would like to start your own naming patterns/traditions.  If you do not want to continue what his parents started, then he should work with that.  I personally think that using the name as a middle name is a great way to honor his mom and still allow you to name the baby using your own style.

    My family has always used the first letter of the names of relatives who passed away.  This limited us and would make us use names that were not our favorites.  DH and I agreed to follow this tradition just for the middle name unless we absolutely loved the first name.  Both our top boy and girl name (we are having a girl but saving the boy name in hopes of having a boy in the future) start with other letters are we are ok with this.  We talked things out until we came to a strategy we both agreed with because it was important to us that we both loved the name.

    FWIW, we still have not picked a middle name for our little girl.  But the names we are down to start with relatives' first letter.

    Good luck! 

     

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  • image iheart2row:

    I feel like naming our baby after his mom is an honorable gesture, but I also feel like I am being selfish for taking this right away from my husband. Using her name as a middle name is not an exception (according to him) and using a shorter version of her name would fall into the top 10 baby name category (another naming trend that I am not a fan of).

    Can you clarify this statement? Are you saying he is okay with using mom's name as LO's middle name? Or did you mean it's not acceptable?

    The reason that I ask is that I think doing that is a good compromise. 

    I don't think you are being selfish. You do not have to give LO his mom's first name in order to honor her. There are several options (as you mentioned) and both you and DH need to love the name you give your child, ancestors aside.The person who raised me and that I consider as my mom passed away several years ago. Since we're having a girl I definitely wanted to honor her in LO's name. But I would not consider giving LO her first name. It just doesn't fit for us. Her family always affectionately called her by her middle name, it was her nickname. So I'm going to give LO my mom's middle name as LO's middle name. Everyone in the family will know the significance and it's what I like best. My DH immediately said no when I told him the middle name - to be honest it's nothing I would pick on my own either. But when I told him the reason behind it he immediately agreed. I do think that if I wanted it to be LO's first name he would fight me for sure. Luckily, he is ok with the middle name approach that I want.

    I know it's a tough situation but I hope you guys can come to a mutual agreement. Don't feel guilted or pressured into naming your baby something you don't want.

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  • Just to clarify, my husband does NOT want to use his mother's name as a middle name for our baby.
  • image iheart2row:
    Just to clarify, my husband does NOT want to use his mother's name as a nickname for our baby.

    Okay, but the question the PP asked was about whether or not he was okay with using her name as the middle name.

    I agree with the other PPs who suggested you use her name or variation of it in the middle name spot. I think that's a completely fair compromise. You should not have to follow your DH's family naming traditions. The two of you should be able to come up with your own.

    I lost my mother 11 years ago and have always known that I would want to use her name somehow if I have a daughter someday. Her name isn't our style, however, and I would feel weird using it in the fn spot anyways (I think it would be strange for my dad, her grandfather, to be calling his granddaughter his late wife's name etc....but that's just me). DH and I said that we would use my mom's name in the middle name spot or use a first name that has the same first initial as my mom (which would be a tradition anyways because me, my mom, and my maternal grandmother's name all start with the same initial). It's just the first initial though...not the first THREE initials. That's a bit much, in my opinion.

    I wish you luck and hope you and DH are able to come to a mutual decision! 

    Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

    BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
    BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

    SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
  • Perhaps he would agree to having the name legally Abigail Bridgett and then she can go by the middle name Bridgett (or whatever you both decide on). This one would be a compromise as it would honor the grandmother's memory, but you are not using that name everyday. If you and DH find a name you both like, perhaps he may even be willing to make that one a first name down the road.

    My best friend's name was built with those intentions... no one calls her by her legal first name except her husband when she gets into trouble.

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  • My SO is a "third" so I felt I was compromising by letting his name be the MN....I (personally) feel that both parents need to be 100% on board with the name of their child. I understand that your DH might to honor his mom but I'm guessing you probably didn't even know his mom if she passed 9 years ago? In which case I can see where it wouldn't be as important to you. Maybe you might consider a name that has the same meaning as his mom's name?

    Just curious, what is the name?

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  • image Kota26:

    Perhaps he would agree to having the name legally Abigail Bridgett and then she can go by the middle name Bridgett (or whatever you both decide on). This one would be a compromise as it would honor the grandmother's memory, but you are not using that name everyday. If you and DH find a name you both like, perhaps he may even be willing to make that one a first name down the road.

    My best friend's name was built with those intentions... no one calls her by her legal first name except her husband when she gets into trouble.

    I love this idea! That way, she is still honored and your husband is happy as it is her first name. But, everyone can call her by her middle name! The only challenge for your daughter will be correcting the teacher on the first day of school ;)

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  • In dh's family, the tradition is using either the grandfather's or father's first name as the middle name of the son or the father's middle name as the first name of the son.

     Would your dh be willing to use his mom's middle name as your daughter's first name -- assuming you like his mom's middle name better than her first name of course.

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  • If your DH is saying using her name as a middle name is not an option, then he's not really giving you an option at all, which leaves no room for compromise. From your post, it sounds like he's adamant that DD's name will be his mom's name and you need to find a way to be okay with it, and that's entirely unfair. You should have equal say and I think the middle name is a fair compromise. Compromise means you may not get what you want, and DH may not get what he wants. It doesn't mean someone backs down and gives in (which is what it sounds like he wants you to do).

    You say you're feeling selfish by taking this right away from him, but in refusing to compromise, he's taking the same right away from you. You're not saying he can't honor his mom, you're just saying you don't like the name choice for a first name and asking him to find another way to honor his mom (which makes the middle choice a perfect option, IMO).

    Anyway, FWIW, DH and I made a long list of names we liked. Maybe make a long list of names you like (include his mom's name as middle names in the list if you wish). While you're at it, to be fair, maybe pick a few middle names to match his mom's. Put the list where you both will see it regularly and see if any of them grow on you over time. Don't cross any off for awhile. Encourage your DH to add names (other than his mom's) that he might like. And maybe when it's closer to the due date, you might be able to reach an agreement.

    DD- 11/17/08, DD- 11/16/09, DS- 3/20/13 
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  • Wow! I love all of the advice you girls have given me. Thank you for the tips and ideas. I will speak to my husband and hopefully we can make a compromise over our baby's name. 

    Thanks again! 

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