Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Advice on letting DH learn to calm the baby

I have a almost 6 week old. Its our first baby & I BF. When my daughter is fussing if my husband has her its very difficult for me to just let them work it out & not rush over & take her.

 I really do want him to be able to comfort her but I want to start crying when she's just screaming. Sometimes I know putting her to the breast would help (for comfort not because she's hungry) but he get's irritated when I take her for that.

I'm kind of resentful because I read a lot of books & feel prepared (even though sometimes nothing works) & he didn't. If I suggest something, say swaddle her, I feel like he doesn't try my suggestion because he wants to come up with the answer. Thats all good, but in the mean time my kid is screaming & I just want to help her.

Advice so I don't punch him out?

TTC since 1/2008
BFP 7/2009 m/c
BFP 9/2009 m/c
Clomid IUI 12/2010, 1/2011, 2/2011 All BFN
IVF #1 6/2011 BFN, no frosties
IVF #2 2/2012 BFP
DD born 10/2012
FET 9/3/2013 BFN, no more frosties
IVF # 3 11/3/13 Canceled after retrieval d/t severe OHSS, 3 frosties
FET #3 2/2014 BFP Twins!

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Re: Advice on letting DH learn to calm the baby

  • I think the more you interfere the worse it is... let him and her figure out their own routine...if its driving you crazy leave the room, go take a shower... do something

    The more the dads get TOLD how when why ect, I feel like the more they have reason to just shut down and not participate.  Letting him figure it out means they are getting to know each other... and she is not hurt ... shes just upset... she will be fine

     

     

     

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  • I had major issues dealing with feeling like I just wanted to swoop in and take dd too when she was fussy with dh. If your LO takes a paci, then let dh give that and make yourself leave the room, even the house for a few min. I ebf, and the first few times dh gave dd the bm bottle I was literally in tears in the bedroom because she was so fussy with him. It's hard at first, but it does get better and you must force yourself to leave, or he will nevvvvver learn to soothe your LO and you for sure don't want that, especially on girls nite out ;). Oh and I've caught dh googling things like "how to sooth a baby" and reading baby related articles recently (most men take a little while to hop on the baby train if you know what I mean).

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    Tiny A <9.14.12>

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  • Honestly, my advice is let him work it out. If you are sure she isn't hungry and he is actively trying, let him be. I bf and SAH, so I am a pro with the girls. But I did too much for DD1 and it took a long time for them to bond.

    If anything, teach him tricks while LO isn't upset. Then it's less judgmental and chastising.

    The best advice I got specifically related to husbands helping was " your way isn't the only right way." If he is being safe, let him try. It's the only way he is able to bond and learn.
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  • You have millions of years worth of instinct and two very awesome sources of great comfort and food. Dads just dont have that.

    I think it's awesome that he wants to try to comfort. I usually see the opposite. I would share the "S"'s with him when she calm and happy, but also make sure he understands that the main source of food and comfort naturally lie with you. It' not because he didnt read any baby books.

    Id imagine he's probably more frustrated than you are. He probably feels like he's unable to make his daughter happy. I would be very sensitive to that. I would say "She's not mad, she's hungry." That takes it off him, and on to a very basic fact that she just needs food. 

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  • My husband brings my daughter into the bathroom with the fan on! Or the fan over the stove! White noise!
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    JHB 1/19/09
    Baby girl due 11/22/12!
  • Honestly, it's great that your husband wants to comfort the LO when she is fussy... if my 8 week old son fusses at all, my husband just hands him back off to me and says... he must be hungry. I have tried to explain that he fusses for reasons other than being hungry, but he doesn't seem all that interested. I'm hoping he will get better as DS gets older.

    That being said, I have also heard the advice from the PP... leave the house and let them figure it out. Dad's have a different way of bonding and soothing a baby and different isn't necessarily a bad thing.

     Good luck! 

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  • I second the 5 S's. DH read the book & watched the video. He's more confident than me in soothing the baby. I also agree you need to give him a chance without interferring though it's hard. We learned this the hard way
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  • I just let my husband and son figure things out. Sometimes I leave the room, go take a shower, sit down and actually eat a warm meal. Worst case scenario, the baby waits a few minutes longer to eat.

    My husband is getting really great at soothing him. He has a checklist in his head of reasons our son might cry, and he just goes through them. If nothing on his list works, he brings him to me to nurse.
    First Child born 11/27/12
    Natural Birth - Water Birth - EBF - BLW - Cloth Diapers - BF Toddler - Montessori

    Twins born into Heaven
    BFP - 4/6/14, due date 12/8/14. First twin M/C at home - 5/5/14, Second twin D&C - 6/5/14

    TTA for three normal cycles per doctor's orders, and not sure of the plan after that. 
  • I agree with pp. You have to let him figure things out on his own. My DH has no clue about babies. It is sometimes really hard to watch him when she is crying hysterically, but I know that if I step in, it's like saying to him, he is not good enough. If I'm out and about, and he is home with her, I'll text and ask how she is. If he says a nightmare...I'll suggest a couple of things I do that might help, but always say, "if you haven't tried it already".
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  • I'm in the same boat with my DH. So happy to read this post and the responses! Definitely helpful!
    TTC#1 since oct 2009, DOR
    IUI #1-3 (jan-mar 2011), all BFN 
    IVF #1 oct 2011, BFN      
    IVF #2: dec 2011, BFFN
    FET #1: feb 8, 2012, BFP!!!  chibaby born october 29, 2012!

    TTC #2
    FET #2  sept 5, 2013-BFFN
    new RE
    IVF #3    feb 2014-BFFN again...
    Headed to CCRM 
    IVF #4 oct 2014 

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  • If you can't let them work it out together without intervening, leave the house.  He needs to be able to figure it out without you suggesting different ways.  Way may work for you, may not for him and vice versa. 

     

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  • If I tell my DH that DS might need a diaper change, he will try everything except that. The other day I just causally mentioned that I discovered when he is fussy to change his diaper, even if you put it on 10 minutes ago, because he just doesn't like a wet diaper. And now it's the first thing he does. Try telling him helpful suggestions when baby is not fussy and tell him like you just discovered this amazing trick even if you didn't.
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  • Leave him and let him figure it ipout.  Im a total type A...and find from experience that if you dont allow...you end up doing it all.  
  • image BLuvsE:
    I just let my husband and son figure things out. Sometimes I leave the room, go take a shower, sit down and actually eat a warm meal. Worst case scenario, the baby waits a few minutes longer to eat. My husband is getting really great at soothing him. He has a checklist in his head of reasons our son might cry, and he just goes through them. If nothing on his list works, he brings him to me to nurse.

     

    So true! I nursed also and at first I would rush to grab her feed her and hand her to daddy to burp. . . Now however, if I am cooking or otheriwse in the middle of something well he is grown and capeable of occupying her long enough for me to cook, clean, eat, shower etc. If she start searching and fussing so much then yes i'll step in but a few minutes of crying isnt going to hurt no one.

  • image jecanty:

    Honestly, it's great that your husband wants to comfort the LO when she is fussy... if my 8 week old son fusses at all, my husband just hands him back off to me and says... he must be hungry. I have tried to explain that he fusses for reasons other than being hungry, but he doesn't seem all that interested. I'm hoping he will get better as DS gets older.

    my dd is 6 months and this is how its been at our house since the beginning! DH won't put her to sleep and now I can't go anywhere for more than an hour without her or else they both freak out. Try to let him do it if he is willing. This is one mom who is totally jealous!

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