Tough situation

candr09

I need some advice on how to handle my best friend. I don't know if anyone remembers me posting about this before, but my best friend was due 4 weeks before me, but lost her daughter around 22 weeks with a severe case of HELLP and she actually almost died herself.

Anyway, I havn't talked much about my pregnancy with her except when she brings it up or asks questions, which sometimes is a lot, and other times isn't. But now that due date is getting closer I'm trying to figure out the best way to let her know when I go into labor or when the baby is born. I could either tell her myself right away, have our other best friend tell her, or call her mom and let her mom tell her. It's not really something I want to "put off" on someone else, but I don't want her I feel like she has to force a smile and congratulate me right away. If our friend or her mom tell her, she can have a chance to let it sink in and reach out to me when she is ready. At the same time, I don't want her to feel upset that She's hearing it from someone else instead of me.

She is still having a really hard time with her loss. Some days seem better then others, but last week at thanksgiving she had to leave dinner in tears twice just from seeing the other kids there playing together and thinking that her child should have been there too, etc.

The last thing I want to do is hurt her anymore. But I really don't know the best way to handle it. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

JessAnnJ

I have always received text messages when people I know go into labor and that is what I plan to do. I think a text message is a perfectly acceptable way to let her know what is happening and she can decide how she wants to process it. Were you planning on calling people?

velazquezk1

Have you thought about sending something heartfelt maybe after the baby is born like "congratulations, you're an auntie!" Or something along those lines so you don't have to worry about her suffering through your labor. I'm such a tender person and would feel the same way you do. I hope you find a way that makes you feel comfortable.

JEN1974

If she's your best friend, you could always ask her.  She may not know though how she's going to react.  When I had a miscarriage, my due date happened to be about 2 days behind my SIL who was also pregnant and a best friend from high school.  I thought I was fine until I got the e-mail from her husband that she was in labor and then it was a punch in the gut and I cried for a day or so about what "could have been".  I eventually reached out to her and talked to her about it...so think about doing it gently and having no expectations on what her reaction "should' be. A text message as someone else proposed might be an easier way to let her digest it first and then she can reach out on her own time and if you're comfortable talking with her about it ask her how she'd like to be told.  I'm sure she's thinking about it too. 

 

TiaS16

A few years ago I was in her shoes...it royally sucks

As my friends and sister had their babies I was SO thankful for text messages! They gave me time to process and react how I needed to emotionally without everybody witnessing it.  Then I was able to give them the reaction that they needed (i.e. CONGRATS!! or GOOD LUCK!!). 

I agree with asking her how and when she wants to be informed about the labor/birth of your baby.

You are great friend showing this much concern about your friends pain...not a lot of people that call themselves 'friends' would act like that. She is lucky to have you. 

LittleFish1

I agree with PPs who suggested asking her, and that the text msg would definitely give her a chance to adjust.  After you text her, you could let her mom know so she could give her daughter time and then check in with her if she needs an ear or hug.  If I were in her shoes, would definitely be on edge as you went through the labor process, worrying about how things were going for you, but would want to know at the same time.

 

Based on my friend who also experienced HELLP, she's been told by her docs that since they do not know what caused it, and that each case is very different from another, that if she were to get pregnant again, there is a strong chance of it occurring again, or it could be that it wouldn't, they just don't know.  As a result, the question of whether or not to take the chance a second time is a very difficult decision because it could occur again.... so your friend is not just coping with the loss of the baby/ pregnancy, but is also probably grappling with the loss of the possibility of future offspring as well. 

minni_ash

I would ask her.  If you two are such good friends, it would be the right thing to do.