Without getting too deeply into details and back story, a little background: DH's parents are divorced. Issue concerns his dad's side and what relationship he/our family will have with them.
DH had a rocky relationship with both sides of his parents and lived with his paternal grandmother while going to college. Currently we are on good terms with DH's mom & stepdad but the relationship with DH's paternal side has become incredibly difficult, mostly due to DH's paternal uncle sharing information with us (without us seeking it out) about DH's dad that cast him in an even worse light than we'd already been aware of, including him having another child that none of us knew about. Coupled with that, DH's mom (upon DH's request) finally shared with us the reasons for their divorce. DH never wanted to "bash" his father to DH, so he never knew what went wrong. DH's dad, per his mom, never wanted a child, treated her horribly during her pregnancy and thereafter, and then divorced her when he just decided he didn't want to be married anymore when DH was two. The ultimate kicker is that he pushed her down the stairs while she was pregnant with DH.
Now, I hear this and I just want absolutely NOTHING to do with DH's dad. I don't want him around DD#1 or ever meeting DD#2 (due in April). He has very little interest in being a "grandfather" to DD#1 as it is.
However, the rub in all this is DH's grandmother, who was so good to him through tough parts in his life. SHE KNOWS NOTHING about DH's dad's true nature and intentionally keeps herself ignorant. She's very old (92) and DH has just been waiting for her to die (sad but true) so he can stop trying to please her and just be done with his dad and that whole side. But since she (intentionally) knows nothing (not that she has another kid, not about the abuse DH's mom went through, etc.), she gets upset when DH doesn't do MORE to reach out to his father. (No pressure is ever applied to the father to do anything. She makes excuses for him constantly.)
Now we're facing an upcoming "family get together" for the uncle and DH's dad & grandmother will be there. I don't want to go and I know DH doesn't either, but he doesn't want to be the one to tell his grandmother that he doesn't want to be around his dad anymore. (I'm half scared she'd have a heart attack and die, and I don't want that on DH's conscience, either.) But we're trapped--we either go to the event, (lie and skip out, but it'll just keep happening where we have these events to deal with,) or DH tells his grandmother he doesn't want to see his dad.
Has anyone dealt with a situation as screwed up as this? I honestly feel like DH just wants his grandmother to die so it's out of his hands, but I kid you not, we discuss this situation several times a week, every week, in depth, and have done so since we found out about the first of the "bombshells" last Easter. (Most recent "bombshell" from his mom was just last week.) I am sick of it and tired of dealing with it, but it's ultimately DH's decision since it's his family, right?
Thoughts? (And I can elaborate more but heck wasn't this long enough?)