Working Moms

Anyone else feel this way?

I always feel more comfortable leaving DD with my parents than with my in-laws.  My in-laws are lovely people, they raised 4 kids and DH and his siblings are all wonderful, and they have been nothing but loving and caring towards DD.  Still, I always would rather leave my daughter with my parents than with my in laws.  I do try to be fair and have my in laws take care of my DD.  I want her to be close to both sets of grandparents.  Anyone else feel this way or am I crazy?

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Re: Anyone else feel this way?

  • You might have to just get used to it. It is understandable as you know your parents better.

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  • I feel this way too but that's because my mom listens to what I ask her to do/not to do with DD and my IL don't. My IL don't respect our parenting choices for the most part and just feel like they should be able to do whatever they want with her and then laugh about how they're going against Mommy while they're doing it.
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  • I trust my mom and my SIL the same and both babysit for us often. My MIL is no longer with us and when she was she was not physically able to watch DS so I can't really respond with her in mind.

    Can you figure out why you don't trust them as much? Is it their age? Physical limitations? Is it bc you feel more comfortable giving instructions to your mom then your MIL? Is there something your mom does or doesn't do vs your MIL that makes you prefer your mom?

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  • image littlebeansmama:
    I feel this way too but that's because my mom listens to what I ask her to do/not to do with DD and my IL don't. My IL don't respect our parenting choices for the most part and just feel like they should be able to do whatever they want with her and then laugh about how they're going against Mommy while they're doing it.

    This is true for us too!  We are working with them on it but it will be a while before I can trust them again.  PP gave great advice to help you figure out why you don't trust them as much.  

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  • I think it is normal to prefer your own parents over the ILs.  I have great ILs who watch our kids periodically, however, if given a choice I would rather have my own parents watch them.  There is really no logical reason for me to feel that way, I just do.

    I think it just comes down to the fact that your comfort level is usually going to be higher with your own family.

     

  • Yes, and I feel badly about it.  I'm the oldest and my parents have had more recent experiences with kids, and my mom is really good at it.  DH is youngest and it is his dad and step-mom (mom is no longer in the picture), so I have no idea how they do with little ones on their own.  They are just kind of loud and high-stress, where my parents are more mellow.  DH has done really well about increasing DD's time with his family, and we need to continue to do so.


  • yes - I do too.

    To me, its just easier to have my mom watch DD even though I don't really think she does it any "better" my MIL is just nervous all the time and she's constantly trying to "help" DD - who doesn't want/need help.  My mom (nor surprisingly) has the same attitude/expectations that I do.

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  • Yes, I feel the same way. They just parent a little differently then I do, as do my SILs. However, I want them all to have a good relationship so I try to relax about it.
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  • Everyone has preferences.  I love my parents, but I would worry less about my kids if they were with my in laws.  They just make choices that are more thoughtful and cautious.  But I have left my DS with my mom for overnight stays and would again.  

    When I can, I involve both sets, like at birthday parties or this spring at Disney, both grandmas are coming.  But sometimes they have special time, and that is ok too. As for care taking, we go with what makes the most sense.  Usually that is my mom coming here (she lives three hours away and MIL lives six.) 


  • YES!!!!  I do feel much more comfortable when DD stays with my parents, but they are 10 years younger than my in-laws.  My parents are also in really good shape, super active, etc. 

    My mother in law is wonderful with DD, but she is very overweight and can't walk well.  I worry about her carrying LO upstairs or just keeping up with her in general.  DD is very fast these days.  Father in law is recovering from his 4th heart surgery, and just can't do much physically. 

    So yes, I do think I have good reason to prefer she stay with my parents when we go away.  DH and I both travel a lot for work, so she does stay with my parents several times per year. 

     

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  • Yes. My mother respects our choices more than ILs, but besides that my parenting style comes from what I learned from my mother. Thats also why our will states DD will live with my parents if anything happens to us (god forbid). I would want somebody to raise DD the same way I would.
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  • I think it's totally normal to feel preference for your own parents.  That being said, if there isn't any tangible reason to NOT use your IL's, obviously you need to work past these feelings.

    We can't use my IL's, though.  And DH is on the same page.  Their age, health, etc.  It's not safe for DS.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I would definitely feel the same way too if my mom was still with us. I know my MIL would do fine since she's raised 7 children and 2 grandchildren but its a comfort level and respect thing. I know she doesn't really respect me as a parent and choices we have made so I know leaving LO with her she will do whatever she wants and that makes me uncomfortable. Plus H's whole family wants DS to call her "mama" like the other grandsons do and that is not ok with me!
  • I feel this way also. My mom is just a much warmer person. My MIL is kind of cold. She doesn't really interact as much with DS. She loves him dearly I know, that is just how she is. She watched him yesterday for us (he is usually in daycare but she is a teacher and had off of work) and he got a little cold and she called us clearly wanting us to come home. She said he was crying and couldn't get him to stop. He stopped immediately when I held him. He just wanted to be cuddled and she just isn't that type of person. She also doesn't listen to me when I am giving her instructions. She tells me "I've done this before". Then she asks me questions on things I have already told her... She is great, and these are somewhat minor things, but yes - I feel much more comfortable with my mom watching him. And as for my FIL and his crazy wife - they will never ever watch my son. Ever. And DH agrees. But, that is for another post!
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  • I prefer my parents to watch DD over my ILs too.  Fortunately, DH feels the same way.  My ILs are great people and they love DD, but they sometimes do stuff that makes DH and I wonder what were they thinking.  For example, one time DH and I came home to find DD walking on top of our glass dining room table and playing with the crystal chandelier.  DH was mad at FIL who was just like, oh, well, she wanted to touch the chandelier..........

    My parents just show better judgement around DD in general.  Plus, my mom will go out of her way to do projects with DD, or bake cookies and let her decorate them, while my ILs kind of just sit her in front of the TV.  She is still close to both sets of grandparents, though, we just supervise a little more when the ILs are around.

  • I guess I prefer my parents a little bit more. That's because my parents watch DD when we work and have been since she was 4 months old. They just know her a little more. My ILs are wonderful and do a great job, they had 5 kids and now 7 grandkids. We joke that MIL is the baby lady. She has a really calm way about her, she can just sit and rock a crying baby for hours. I trust them completely and LO has stayed over night with them a couple times. My MIL is the typical country mom that bakes, sews, and the like. I hope she will teach DD all that someday. 

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  • I'm kind of the opposite.  I don't hesitate to leave DS with my inlaws.  My parents, on the other hand, aren't in good enough health and couldn't keep up with him.  You're lucky to have two sets of parents who are great with your DD.
     
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  • I think everyone has their preference of people to leave their babies with, but as long as they get to see your DD, and take care of her sometimes, there should be no problem.
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  • I do.  My MIL is great and she raised 3 kids with no mishaps.  But she's not MY mother.  I think it's completely reasonable to be more comfortable with your own parents.  They raised you.  You know what your kid will be dealing with.  Plus I feel more comfortable telling my mom what to do than I do with my MIL.

    That said, I make an effort to leave DS with MIL anyway. I want her to be close to him too and I realize it's my nerves, not her abilities, that are the problem.  And as he's gotten older, it's much easier to deal with too. Hopefully it'll continue to get easier since she's jealous my mom has stayed with him both times DH and I went away overnight so I think we'll have to let her do it next time....

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  • There are circumstances where it's totally reasonable to feel this way.

    My in-laws are totally intimidated by babysitting and get overwhelmed after barely an hour. My mother would be happy to take LO for a week.

    On the plus side, my in-laws are totally self-aware and minimize how often they volunteer too. Their own preference is that my mother do the majority. They're just as fond of LO. They just aren't up to it. (They're younger than my mother; that's not the issue. Just personality.)

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  • I feel the same way. It's gotten a lot better in recent months. We had some issues because IL's were totally clueless about new safety rules and such for babies and they stressed me out big time over it (they tried to drive him around in a 7 year old expired car seat, bought a used drop side crib for their house, etc). We fixed those issues and I've tried really hard to loosen up about it, and so far it is going well.
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    BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d

    BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11

    BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d

    BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13

     

    BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14 

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