January 2013 Moms

Newborn Worries

Most of our friends have been in the baby making mode for a few years now. We're toward the middle-end of the first time parents group and MH and I are getting really negative feedback about having a newborn.

Before we knew we were pregnant, a cousin (new parent with a 3 month old) told MH at Easter "never have kids, man. It sucks," and just yesterday we had a friend with a 2 month old tell us - don't have babies (um, a little freaking late!). We were eating brunch with a couple that has a one year old and the guy told us that he just felt like getting a divorce on a weekly basis for the first 6 months of her life.

As I type this, it sounds like we have pretty messed up friends. Is it really that bad? What tips do you STMs have in making it through the first few months without feeling like this? Is the way they are feeling normal?

I've got 1.5 months to go, and this has really kind of shell shocked me! I love MH dearly, we have a freaking awesome relationship (very much equal partners, great sex life, passionate about having fun and loving each other, respectful, best friends, etc) and I'm starting to get worried. I knew before that it would challenge us like we've never been challenged before, but I didn't know these were the strong emotions I could expect. Anyway...TIA

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Re: Newborn Worries

  • Wow, that has to be hard to hear from your friends. I'm a FTM so I don't have any advice but I thought this article posted to the FB group would be very appropriate.

    Check it out . . CLICKY

    For what it's worth, BFF who has 2u2 would be the first to tell me its not all rainbows and puppies but that the good times far out weigh the bad. 

  • Honestly it sounds like your friends are being super annoying. You can make it work if you choose to make it work, it will be hard but it's only really hard for a few weeks/months until you get in the groove of having a newborn. I don't know a ton of people with kids but none of them have said anything like that to me.
  • Wow. I'm so sorry your friends are being like that! FTM here, so I don't know what having this baby will be like for our relationship, but I do know that I'm less worried about it than I would be because my friends are all very candid and positive when talking about how babies have changed their lives. Like, "Well, it was really hard at the beginning and I felt like I would never see the end of the tunnel, but things finally came around and we got into a routine.." so they always admit the bad, but see that things have or will soon work out, or are determined to not give up. I tend toward despair, myself, so maybe that's why I've surrounded myself with people like this!

    It sounds like your friends are having a hard time, which is okay, but it doesn't mean that it has to be SO miserable for you. Finding someone to talk to who is realistic but positive can make a big difference in how you all process this transition.

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  • Sure, they're are hard times, where you just want rip your hair out.  But then there's seeing the first smile, the first time they really look at you, the cuddles, first steps. The benefits WAY outweigh the cons.
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  • How terrible for that cousin to say to never have kids...what about his kids?! I think they may just being over dramatic but I was told to set aside time for my husband and I so we don't lose "us". I think that's pretty standard advice when it comes to most life changes. I have friend with 3 kids whose marriages are still going strong. So fret not, OP!
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  • My friend just had her baby on Oct 25 and she told me she loves being a mom and didn't know she could love anyone so much. I try to listen to the positive stories and ignore the rest! :)
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  • There's no nice way to say this-the first year sucks.  At least for us it did.  Of course there were moments of amazement that made it worth it (obviously-we are doing it again lol!) but really we were in pure survival mode for the first year.  I remember thinking about divorce a few times but just didn't have the energy for it.  Of course it is different for everyone, but for us the first year was really hard.  Fortunately it passes and then you end up with this really fun kid and it all becomes worth it.  :) 

    I think one of the big things is to find a support system that you are really comfortable with.  I had a friend who had a son 6 weeks after me and so we went through that first year of suffering together.  When we were ready to kill our husbands we both understood and were able to talk each other down.

     Ultimately it sounds like your friends are just in the thick of the worst of it and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Remember though-it must not be as bad and as earth shattering as some people are telling you or no parents would ever have kids willingly again.  Everyone would be only children!  Yes it's hard, but it passes.   

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  • As a STM I can say that the beginning is rough - but it is also a beautiful time that I miss dearly.  My son is 11 now and I can't wait to do it again.  That alone should let you know that it doesn't have to be that bad.  Because you and your husband have such a strong relationship to begin with, as long as you nurture that relationship along the way, I would venture to say that you will survive with flying colors!  It is a good reminder though that you should expect some bumps along the way.  But you should also expect some of the most memorable times you will ever have. 
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  • I went to visit friends that just had a baby about a month ago and they pretty much scared the you know what out of me. They were arguing and sleep deprived and pretty much had nothing "good" to say.

    Of course I called my mom crying and she gave the best advice to me.  She said of course its hard sometimes but for the first time in your life you will feel like your life has a purpose and as long as you hold on to that the hard times will seem like pieces of cake.

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  • I am also worried about this but mostly because I worried what hormones and lack of sleep can do to you.

     

    My DH has coworkers that stay late in the office just so that they dont have to go home and deal with their kids. I know everyone needs their free time to regroup but I would be pissed if my DH did this on a weekly basis.

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  • No, it's not that bad. It's really hard, but you get through it. Your friends sound very dramatic.
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  • I have honestly never understood comments like that. 1) Not at all helpful and 2) I can't imagine ever saying or thinking that. I don't know if people are just naive and don't understand that having children is going to be a complete lifestyle change or if they have zero experience around babies/children??

    I LOVED having a newborn at home! I could not imagine a more amazing addition to my family/marriage. I really didn't think those first few months were all that difficult either--this time around I think will be a whole different story, I'm terrified of being able to balance a newborn and a very busy 2 yr old. 

    I think it's all about figuring out what works for you and your family. You will do things you said you wouldn't, you will need help at times and you will be absolutely amazed at how much you will love your baby. 

    Ignore those comments. Enjoy this time with just your husband but know that something even more incredible is ahead!

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  • I raised my son for the first three and a half years on my own. I can't say anything as far as how it affects a relationship because I will be going through that for the first time. I will say that while the newborn stage is hard, it is very do-able. And it goes by so fast! I personally loved the infant stage. My son is now almost six and every age has it's pros and cons. Sure he is self sufficient now as far as getting dressed, going to the bathroom etc. but there are other issues to deal with. Just try to find the positive with each stage of development and take it one day at a time.
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  • It's not a cake walk! But just as there are really tough moments there are amazing moments too. Don't let people scare you, everyone's situation and every child is different. I think that the people you are talking to are over reacting, because as tough as it was I never wanted to run out on my DH, and I would never wish that I didn't have DD.

  • I think it can be hard since you are sleep deprived and you get grouchy.  But, all the firsts that you see your baby do, and just the joy you get from the baby is worth it.  Were there times I was mad at DH because he was sleeping while I was up BFing?  Definitely, but I had to remember, most times he woke up to change DS and hand him to me before falling asleep.  I think those who have the hardest time are the ones who don't have good support.  
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  • I am a STM and in the beginning you can say good bye to sex, because for one you are too exhausted to even think about it and two (atleast for me) I was upset with my body with the extra skin that had not yet contracted and not to mention I was breast feeding so I was always leaking.  I wish someone wrote a book about what happens to your self and relationship AFTER baby.  But within several months and getting into a routine things went back to normal, with the exception of going out all the time.
  • That's ridiculous of your friends to say. I understand it can be rough, but the instant love you feel for that new little person in your life makes it all worth it.

    I was in bliss mode when I had DD, especially the first few months. Seriously, even though I was getting up ever two hours to feed her and change her, it was the best time of my life! Yeah, there were hard times here and there like when she would scream from midnight until 3 am and was refusing to go to sleep. You just deal with it because you love that screaming baby. DH was awesome during that time and helped me so much. If anything, the whole experience brought us closer. 

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  • image lindsey913:
    I have honestly never understood comments like that. 1 Not at all helpful and 2 I can't imagine ever saying or thinking that. I don't know if people are just naive and don't understand that having children is going to be a complete lifestyle change or if theynbsp;have zero experience around babies/children??
    I LOVED having a newborn at home! I could not imagine a more amazing addition to my family/marriage. I really didn't think those first few months were all that difficult eitherthis time around I think will be a whole different story, I'm terrified of being able to balance a newborn and a very busy 2 yr old.nbsp;
    I think it's all about figuring out what works for you and your family. You will do things you said you wouldn't, you will need help at times and you will be absolutely amazed at how much you will love your baby.nbsp;
    Ignore those comments. Enjoy this time with just your husband but know that something even more incredible is ahead!


    I usually lurk but figured I would join.
    I agree with this 100. Yes there are times that are stressful but just remember "this two shall pass". I think having a crazy excited 2 year old is more stressful then a newborn. Just remember to ask for help when you need it and let your dh do things too even if you don't need him to help. They need to get used to it too.
    Once the baby gets here you won't have time to stress about the little things, you will just fall in love with your little baby and be as happy as can be!

     

  • As hard and frustrating as it gets sometimes I wouldn't change it for anything. Its amazing seeing this little person that you created. Even when DD is screaming and throwing a fit it still amazes me that she is a little version of MH and I. That to me is the best part, honestly if it was that awful I wouldn't be doing again so close together :)
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  • Wow. I feel sorry for their kids. To say "never have kids" when you already have one, that's a pretty rude statment, I wonder how that would make his child feel to hear their father say that.

    I agree, don't have kids if you don't want them. However the good far out weigh the "bad" IMO. Some days are tough, like with anything, but most days there is at least 1 amazing thing that happens. Babies and kids aren't a chore, they are a blessing, there are clearly many people in the world that need to remember that.

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  • I think it comes down to how strong you are as a couple...of course there's going to be challenging times with a newborn. But if you both understand that from the beginning and keep communicating then I think you will be fine. For some people I can see how the stress of a newborn or kids can add strain to relationship...especially if there were already underlining problems before they had children.
  • Alright! Thank you all for your realistic, honest, and positive comments about this. Deep down, this is what I know, but your comments helped counteract theirs. I hope it helped others as well.

    I do agree with some PPs: I didn't understand their statements either. I didn't think anyone should or would say these things: it must point to underlying issues with their marriage. :-/

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  • wow what bad energy to have around you!!! dont listen to them. it sounds like they are all debbie downers!!!! just remember this is YOUR BABY and everyone goes through things differently!! prove them all wrong and show them how awesome its going to be for you!

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  • Honestly, I wouldn't put much stock in what the parents of the 2 and 3 month old are saying.  They are in the middle of sleep deprivation- yes it is hard, but what they don't realize yet is that it gets better so hang in there.

    As far as the husband saying he wanted a divorce for the first 6 months of their child's life, I would think that there were other issues in their relationship than just the child.  I was really resentful on my H for probably months 5-10 since he was traveling for work, and I was overwhelmed.  But there were other issues that I was mad at him for that had nothing to do with children.  Basically you just need to prevent being overwhelmed.  If you have a plan and help to prevent that then you guys will be fine.  

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