Dads & Dads-to-be

Need Honest Advice

My fiancee and I have a 4 month old baby who was born at 32 weeks premature.  The baby came home a few weeks ago and since then there are very few instances where I leave the house.  My fiancee however comes and goes.  One thing that really annoys me is he has this ritual where he goes to work out then picks his mom up from work twice a week so he's gone for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening.  I feel that now that he has a baby he needs to alter his work out schedule and stop picking his mom up. I am with the baby all day and for him to be gone to pick up his mom who is perfectly capable of driving herself or catching public transportation really bothers me.  Am I wrong for thinking he should stop picking up his mom?  As a mother, I would think she should be telling him to focus on his family.

Re: Need Honest Advice

  • How much extra time does the time with his mom really take?  I mean does he work out for an hour and then hang with his mom for 2 hours?  Does he work out for 2 hours and spends 1 with his mom?  Family time is important no doubt, and his mom is family as well.

    Honestly, you both need some time to step away and recharge.  It sounds like he is getting his time, but you aren't getting yours.  It isn't fair that he gets to come and go and you are essentially held prisoner in your own home.

    If you decide to address this with your fiance, I would try to do it from a standpoint of your feelings and needs, and not just coming at him telling him to stop picking up his mom because frankly that will likely just lead to a fight. Perhaps make a compromise where if it is a deal where he wants to spend some time with his mom, instead of taking her straight home, he takes her to your house, she gets some time with her grandchild, you possibly get an extra set of hands for an hour or two to help out, and he still gets time with his mom, and then he drives her home?

  • In my house, parents are off limits.  No matter how intrusive or opinionated they may be at any given moment, they are off limits when we are in the throws of a disagreement.  I would strongly advise that you take that stance in your own house.

    Now, with the baby, I do not understand why your man is doing what he is doing.  I rush home from work every night to make sure I get as much time as I can with my family. I am hard-wired that way, so I really don't even think about it.  But rarely do I go out on my own, weekday or weekend. I met an old boss of mine this past Monday after work, and it was the first night I was not with my family since Jacob was born.  And that was only for a little over two hours.

    Some men are not wired that way.  However, there is a level of unfairness going on here that I would address, if I were you. He is obviously blind to the fact that you are home all day caring for your child. I am sure there are days that go by where you do not shower, barely get a bite to eat, and are punch drunk from lack of sleep. It seems to me that is the trap you have fallen into here. You need to stand up for yourself and make your man see that his role during this stage is to support you and what you have to do each and everyday.  That means being there to take some of the pressure off of you.  Let you get a chance to shower, to eat, to be an adult for a little bit. He owes you that, and you need to make him aware of that fact. This is not just your job, it is a job both of you have to be involved in for it to be successful.

    But you have to stay off the mom.  Going there would ruin an leverage you have as the mother of his child. This has to be a conversation about the two of you, and your roles as parents for your child. That is really what this is about.

    image

  • If your biggest complaint about your fiance is he picks up his mother from work twice a week and spends time with her, you are a lucky woman. Give the man some time with his mom!

    Considering your baby is now four months, premature or not, I think it's time for you to start getting out of the house more. Find some moms with kids the same age, or just take the baby out to see friends during the day. This sounds more like you are stir-crazy than something he is doing wrong.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Talking about the gym is fine, bringing up the mom issue could spell disaster. Try mentioning that you would like some time away and you want to him to take the reigns while you grab lunch, work out, go to the spa etc. Don't make it about his time away and what he does....just make sure you get some time away so you can recharge.

    I had to alter my gym time and it sucked, I have a MS in Kinesology, several certifications and I use it as a much needed stress reliever...but my kid is a priority and I had to adjust. If you dude isn't crazy hardcore like I was, then his adjustment should be even more manageable...BUT that's something that he has to come to terms with and you forcing it won't help.

    Get your time away and maybe he will realize how much work it is and he will cut back too.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • You need to establish time that is yours; his is with his mom or the gym. The agreement needs to be that you also get yourtime and he stays with the baby.  On top of that, you two also needface time as a couple away from the baby.  Maybe his mom could help with that.  If you are tired, you are nogood to him or the baby so set some boundries.  Let himspent some alone time bonding with the baby; bathing it,changing it, or feeding it.  He will realize what you do on a daily basis as well as see what he has been missing.  When you do have the conversation, do it in a loving, respectful way; men tend to respond better when they feel they are respected.  Good luck.
  • image bandman:
    You need to establish time that is yours; his is with his mom or the gym. The agreement needs to be that you also get yourtime and he stays with the baby.  On top of that, you two also needface time as a couple away from the baby.  Maybe his mom could help with that.  If you are tired, you are nogood to him or the baby so set some boundries.  Let himspent some alone time bonding with the baby; bathing it,changing it, or feeding it.  He will realize what you do on a daily basis as well as see what he has been missing.  When you do have the conversation, do it in a loving, respectful way; men tend to respond better when they feel they are respected.  Good luck.

    PLUS ONE on bloded part!!!!

    When my wife is yelling at me to do something it might as well be my own mother at that point.  Drives me crazy.  When she talks to me, as an equal, I am much more responsive to her needs.

    image

  • image ladyjenna13:

    When my wife is yelling at me to do something it might as well be my own mother at that point.  Drives me crazy.  When she talks to me, as an equal, I am much more responsive to her needs.

    I don't always agree with you, but +1000


    image
  • Stir crazy?  and the baby is only 1 month old not four, thank you.
  • Thank you all for your comments!  I will take them all into consideration when approaching the subject with him.
  • Kendalynt, if your first sentence in your opening post, you said you had a 4 month old.  I think that is where the confusion may have set in.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards