3rd Trimester

What to do... Late term loss mentioned

A very good friend of mine lost her daugter at 27 weeks on monday. I haven't gotten all of the details as they live out of state. All I know is that she went into pre-term labor, gave birth, and her daughter passed 2 hours later. Her husband, who is an ER doctor, was not allowed in the room as he was a doctor at that hospital and it is against hospital policy to allow family in the room during an emergency situation, especially when family is a medical professional. He did not get to meet their daughter before she passed. I feel so terrible for them and am trying to think of something/ anything I could do to reach out to them and let them know we care and are thinking of them. Any suggestions? I thought about getting them giftcards to various places I know they like to deliver food so they wouldn't have to worry about that. I will be sending flowers to the funeral service as I can't travel and making a donation to their favorite charity in their daughter's name. It just doesn't seem like enough. 
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Re: What to do... Late term loss mentioned

  • I think what you suggested sounds like a great idea.  Just let them know you're there without pushing.  I am so sorry for your friends' loss.  Things like this shouldn't happen.
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  • I think all of your ideas would be wonderful ways to show them that you care and are supportive. I am so sorry for your friend, I can't imagine what their family is going through.
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  • What you are doing sounds wonderful.  

    One other thing you might consider doing is sending them a sort of 'thinking of you' card a month, two months, three months, after the funereal.  I think sometimes there is an outpouring of support right after a tragedy such as this and then everyone sort of continues on, while they are still going through the grieving process.  I had a coworker who was on a road trip with her family, got into an accident and her 18 year old daughter was killed.  I continued to send her cards over the months following her daughter's death, just so she would know I was still thinking of her. 

  • When I had my two miscarriages, the one thing I appreciated receiving the most was food.  I was depressed, and tired, and in pain, and the last thing I wanted to think about was what was for dinner.  I can't imagine the heartache and pain your friend is experiencing right now...but I do think she and her husband would really appreciate your thoughtful gift.  I think it's a wonderful idea.
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  • image sschwege:

    What you are doing sounds wonderful.  

    One other thing you might consider doing is sending them a sort of 'thinking of you' card a month, two months, three months, after the funereal.  I think sometimes there is an outpouring of support right after a tragedy such as this and then everyone sort of continues on, while they are still going through the grieving process.  I had a coworker who was on a road trip with her family, got into an accident and her 18 year old daughter was killed.  I continued to send her cards over the months following her daughter's death, just so she would know I was still thinking of her. 

    This.

    I imagine Christmas will be especially hard for them, as well. So would definitely offer support over that time. 

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  • A close friend of mine lost her son at 26 weeks. She said what helped the most were people remembering her more than a month out - on Mother's Day, on her baby's due date, on his birthday. I donate to March of Dimes in his name every year on his birthday.

    I'm very sorry for your friend. And her husband - how horrible!

    "Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind." - Kurt Vonnegut
  • I can't imagine not letting the father in...that just seems crazy!

    My BF and his wife recently went through a late loss...she was 29-30 weeks pregnant with their 2nd son and they lost him the beginning of October. I've sent him messages every couple weeks letting him know I'm still thinking about them.

    They kept the service pretty confidential and just for immediate family so there wasn't anyway to send anything to that but I do agree on the giftcards/food thing. They have a 2 year old and the mother is going through so much right now with ups/downs everyday that the last thing they're thinking of is cooking and yet eating a good dinner is so important at a time like this! I googled some places online that deliver frozen meals but they were all so expensive...I'd rather just give giftcards that will buy a lot more in the long run!

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  • hey mrsanddr2b. I remember you when I was pregnant and lost my daughter in the summer. I'm so sorry to hear about their loss. I totally agree with pp, signifcant dates will be hard to get through and sending a card at those times would be very nice.

    I received a little evergreen tree from my husband's coworkers...the idea is for them to plant it as a growing constant reminder of their daughter. I think it's a beatiful idea...you could give it maybe at Mother's Day (since they suggest planting it in spring). Just a thought:)

  • sebailey6, that is a great idea. I will send that to them in the spring. I hope you are healing and are able to find some comfort in time. 

     

    Thank you everyone for the great ideas. I just want to support my friend as much as possible.  

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  • That's really heart-breaking, especially that the father couldn't go in. I think those are all good ideas mentioned, especially the tree. A coworker of mine lost his baby at 38 weeks in August when his wife's placenta abrupted during labour (baby was also corded, stillborn via emerg c-section). They found the frequent reminders of arriving cards difficult at first, and went on a 3 week vacation in the fall to escape. Now they're able to talk about it and move forward, and are touched when people let them know they're thought of-so I second the previous suggestion of doing something at the due date or Mother's Day.
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  • That's horrible. As a mother who lost my baby boy at 40 weeks and 3 days. I know exactly how hard this is. 

    The best thing you can do for them is to let them know you care and to continue to be there for her. Its hard because people seem to be there for you when it happens..But after a couple months, people seem to forget while we are left still grieving. So I would just continue to be there for her and like send her little cards to let her know you are thinking of her and their child often. Flowers are a great idea. My mom sent me flowers for our angels 1 year birthday. It was very sweet. Everyone else forgot that it was my babys birthday.

    When our loss was new, my mom stocked our fridge with food, we were far to depressed to feed ourselves. So she got a lot of dinners that we could just eat up.. 

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