Babies: 0 - 3 Months

My mother-in-law wants to buy my baby's first everything! and my husband doesn't understand, that fo

I am a little confused, I am a first time mother of a baeutiful 3mo  baby girl. Last month I asked my hubby what kind of costume should we buy for our DD, he told me that we shouldn't buy her anything since she is too small to go out trick or treating, I explained to him that I wasn't planning on take her out. So happens, last nigth my mother in law told him she allready bougth a costume for my girl, with out even asking us first if we were planning on dressing her up in a costume. I told my husband that I feel that kind of things all her "first things" should be bought by us, mom and dad. But instead of trying to understand my point of view. He was furious with my answer, I didn't told him "tell your mom to mind her own business" I just said that it would be nice to do it our selves, just the first time, but he got mad and start to tell me hurtfull things. I just wanted to have a nice conversation about it. It seems to me that my mother-in-law is taking a place that doesn't belongs to her, like if I should or not celebrate thanks giving (she bougth my DD a dress and especifically told me to put her in that dress for thanks giving) now the costume, What is next? Am I been too close minded?

Re: My mother-in-law wants to buy my baby's first everything! and my husband doesn't understand, that fo

  • First, your husband needs to have your back. Sometimes it is hard for guys to not defend their mommies, but you're his wife and mother of his child. She can buy your child anything she wants-you are the one who can make the decision to not put your LO in it. Buy your own costume/christmas dress/whatever and dress your child in it. She'll get the point. Ideally, your husband should sit her down and let her know how you feel, but I wouldn't make this a hill to die on.
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  • I would maybe just talk to your MIL. Maybe just tell her that your appreciate her wanting to be a part of your baby's life and be so involved but that you'd really like to be able to buy her the outfits for her first holidays but that'd you be happy to accept anything she gives you as a back up outfit or for another day during the same week or something.

    As for your husband, he should definitely get behind you and understand that it is important to you.

    Personally, I would feel the same way. The first outfits are special IMO. If it's too much of a problem just accept the outfit but dress her in stuff you buy and ignore the comments that are bound to come from your MIL.

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  • Sometimes my MIL does this. But hey you don't have to use it is my theory. I understand it's tough because they're so generous but you feel you want to do the shopping. My parents are just so great because my mom totally asks me for Christmas ideas so we don't get so many toys we don't want/need. Instead we get toys we want, clothes we need, etc. 

    I'd say thank her and say we haven't decided if we're taking her out and if we are what we'll dress her as, but thanks for this option for her.  

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  • You know mabenner1? you are right! I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I decide. Thank you! :D
  • That annoys me too. My MIL does the same thing and my SIL started doing it too. And not only is it annoying, I never like what they get which makes it even more annoying. My MIL always gets these "My first ..." shirts. I don't like them. My SIL bought L these 2 ugly barrettes that had ribbon on them saying "it's my first birthday". Then she sent me a picture of a "its my birthday" outfit that was a tutu but looked like clown colors. My mom doesn't do this, she knows me and asks what I like/want.

    I agree with PP in that your husband needs to have your back. Also, don't put LO in the stuff. That is what I do. If they ask, say you already had something for the occassion.

    Lillian April 17, 2012
  • image patickles:
    You know mabenner1? you are right! I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I decide. Thank you! :D

    You're welcome!  MIL's can be rough, don't let her get the best of you.

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  • I think I would have a talk to her (a nice talk) Thank you for the advice.
  • Oh my! really? a clown tutu? lol! sorry to hear that we are in the same boat. I will tell her for now on, that I allready have the outfit  for my DD to wear :D
  • Your advice is very helpfull. Thank you! now I kind of understand to let go and just don't dress my baby in something I don't like :D

  • I think your MIL needs to be told how you feel.  We encountered this with DS's baptism because my mom crocheted an outfit for him.  We were concerned about how the outfit would look and wish she would have asked for our input, but we understood that the grandparents were excited, too.  Although the outfit wasn't completely our style, DS looked fine in it.  The blanket she made was gorgeous, and that's what showed the most during the baptism.  I'm just thankful that DS has grandparents who love him very much.

    Would it be possible for you to go shopping with your MIL?  Maybe you could find things that you'd both like and split the cost. 

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  • Your hubby needs to get on your side. I talk with my MIL about wanting to buy things like Xmas outfits etc and she understands but hubby gets it too. They had their chances to name and buy for babies. 

    Mind you, I do give her special occasions that I don't care about. A special Easter outfit - she can go nuts! But big traditional ones like pics with Santa or Halloween ones, are for me, I think. Just to enjoy it now.  

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  • Like you've said, the MIL issue is solved fairly easily. The bigger issue to me is that your husband got angry and said hurtful things over a Halloween costume. Unless this is an extremely isolated incident, you may want to look into counseling to deal with anger and communication issues.
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  • Well...I don't think that you can tell someone *not* to buy your daughter gifts.  That seems really rude.  But, you can certainly accept graciously and then go ahead and use what you were going to use anyway.  Halloween costumes aside, most "firsts" can probably be used in multiples--is there any reason she can't use two Christmas dresses (one for Christmas Eve, maybe, and one for Christmas Day?)  Two Easter dresses--one for Easter and one for another springtime event?  If MIL is disappointed that "hers" didn't get used for the holiday she intended it for, just kindly thank her again and explain that you'd already gotten/chosen this dress/outfit and had your heart set on using it.  No biggie.

    Bigger picture--yes, your DH needs to have your back.  At the same time, you got upset over an expectation that you hadn't shared with him and that isn't really a "standard"--that the parents buy the important "first" outfits and items.  Plenty of grandparents buy these for their grandkids--so how was DH supposed to know you expected something different?  I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well, but I'm guessing he felt defensive about the whole thing.  I would honestly let this go completely.  Not worth the fight IMO. 

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  • I had this problem with mil when ds was born! I still bought all his firsts and donated a lot of what she bought (she bought a lot of junk from yard sales).
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  • My MIL is the same and DH doesn't see anything wrong with it and has told me I'm being silly. I don't care, she's my child and there are certain things I'd like to do myself, and I do like to experience her firsts. Is a touchy subject, but if you don't address it now it will get worse. I said something to MIL once about how I wanted to be the one to take my child to the American Girl place in Manhattan, and that I understand she's excited to share these things with her, but she had her chance to experience her children's firsts when they were little and I'd like to do the same. According to DH it came out snotty, but she's backed off so I guess she got the message. I'd thank her for the dress and costume but explain that for her first Halloween, thanksgiving, etc you had something else in mind and just leave it at that.
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