Atypical second shower etiquette

Samiantha101

Ok, this Q. is not directed at myself personally, rather a friend.

If said friend had lost their baby shortly her birth, what are the etiquette rules of throwing her a shower for her second baby?

EastCoastBride

This is a situation where if I got an invitation, I would gladly go.  I would imagine she didn't keep a lot of stuff from the first baby, and even if she did... so what?  I can't even begin to imagine the heartache and anything that can bring happiness to her now- I'd do it.

BakerMommy

Absolutely have a shower! Good etiquette means being gracious to those around you, and honoring your friend in her difficult circumstance is doing exactly that.

82Sonia

She has been through something so horrible that I'd say she deserves multiple showers to celebrate such good news. 

JenniD2

I agree with the PPs. I think it would be a great idea to celebrate this baby. If I had a friend that went through all of this heartache, I would gladly go. She deserves to celebrate.

mhickey426

I think it is a nice thing to do as long as she wants it.  I definitly would ask her first due to it being a sensitive situation

ConnieRob

I have a girlfriend who suffered a stillbirth at 40 weeks. It was a horrible, traumatic event. She did keep the majority of her child's things and wound up delivering another son shortly after what would have been her first sons birthday. Instead of having a second traditional shower, one of her friends threw her a "casserole shower". Everyone brought some sort of casserole, frozen muffins and breads, frozen crockpot meals etc. that way once she was home from the hospital she could focus on her little one and not have to worry about cooking. We offered to throw her a traditional shower but she thought it would bring back too many memories of being pregnant with the child she lost. This was a very small shower of just really lose friends.

Aleja0918

Joy2611:

ConnieRob:

We offered to throw her a traditional shower but she thought it would bring back too many memories of being pregnant with the child she lost. .

My immediate reaction was "of course!  Throw her a shower!" but then I became concerned that it might be too emotional or even a bit superstitious for her.  Have you asked her if she'd like a shower?  I'd follow her lead on this.  But, if she wants a shower, then by all means - anything that makes this a happy time for her!

I agree.

CougFan

Maybe ask her if she would like a shower before or after the birth?

MelleTX

I would probably do something after the birth. She may not be up to a traditional shower. 

But I would definitely go if invited.  

QuinlansPhoto

Throw a "welcome home, baby" party... As PP's said.. If she's up for it. I wouldn't do any surprise showers, in this situation.

rhubarb123

MelleTX:

I would probably do something after the birth. She may not be up to a traditional shower. 

But I would definitely go if invited.  

Same here.

526SadieSadie

I would 100% host or attend a shower in this situation.

Mmm79

Maybe check in with her to gauge her feelings and if she's open to it, definitely throw this girl a shower.

Cranang

My first daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks.  I had already had my shower and had basically bought everything for her.  When I got home from the hospital empty-handed, I couldn't bare to look at her things (had a break down), so I left and my husband and friends gathered up everything (except for a few things that were special and I kept in her memory box).  The rest of it I donated to charity.  I wanted someone to get good use of them if I couldn't.  I had my next daughter 4 days shy of exactly a year later.  My friends wanted to throw me another shower, which I wasn't particularly comfortable with (even given the circumstances, I felt gift-grabby).  However, they were insistent.  I did keep it a little smaller and more intimate that time around though.  I don't think anyone felt they were being "milked."  That's a pretty special circumstance...

katieh1017

mhickey426:

I think it is a nice thing to do as long as she wants it.  I definitly would ask her first due to it being a sensitive situation

I agree with this.

daisy662

I think I would throw her THE most fabulous baby shower EVER...after baby is born.

ironmom5

First, I don't think anyone would ever side-eye this.  If they do, they need their head examined.  I know most loss moms find it too hard to use the things purchased for the angel baby.  For a friend of mine who lost her baby at 6 days old and is now expecting again, she still hasn't gone into her daughter's nursery.  She turned the guest bedroom into a nursery for this baby.  She really *doesn't* have anything, because it's just too laden with tough memories.  They've become something different than hand-me-downs from the older sibling.

However, I 100% agree with PPs that she does not need surprises, and before hosting, you need to make sure she's up to it.  Think about it, she had a shower with the last pregnancy.  A shower is going to bring up both good and bad memories for her because of that, and you need to make sure she's ready.

abell77

I think it's absolutely acceptable in this case.  

MelissaRae1525

EastCoastBride:

This is a situation where if I got an invitation, I would gladly go.  I would imagine she didn't keep a lot of stuff from the first baby, and even if she did... so what?  I can't even begin to imagine the heartache and anything that can bring happiness to her now- I'd do it.

I agree. If I were invited I would go. I can't imagine keeping anything if I lost a child. If you are thinking about throwing this for her, I agree with PPs to make sure she is comfortable with it. If not, I like the casserole shower idea (or maybe not even a shower, just organize something online for her) and/or something after the baby is born.

frogs007

I agree with all of the responses. I hadn't had a shower yet when my boys passed away, but I had gathered quite a few things for them (clothes etc.). I am having major anxiety when I think about using their clothes if I have a boy again. I'm to the point that I think I will just buy all new things for this baby. It sounds a little crazy, but I don't want to open the boxes I packed up a year ago.

Definitely ask her opinion before you do anything, but I think having new things for her baby would probably be a good thing. Then she can pick and choose if she wants to use things she received for her other child or not.

I also want to add that I love the responses to this post. I don't always see such empathetic responses to situations like this and it really makes me happy to see it.