Blended Families

Is anyone actually friendly with their BM??

We have had a chill period lately with BM. No drama. She's been paying CS and SD's tuition right on schedule. (This never happens.) Her new BF has been out of sight lately. (We really liked her last man, but this one seems iffy.) Life is good. 

So my question is, is there ever a point where it's acceptable to befriend BM? She and I have never had any issues; I make a point not to bring up her and DH's occasional drama. Not saying we need to be best friends or anything, but she and I really do have a lot in common, and I feel like we owe it to SD to be able to do more than say Hi and Bye when we're forced together.

Maybe I'm just picturing this dream world where everyone gets along and does what they're supposed to. But has anyone actually had a good relationship with their BM? I seem to only see discouraging posts on here lately...

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Bonus Mom to the Bean: June '06

Re: Is anyone actually friendly with their BM??

  • image emkatrine:

    I don't, but I did try. I wanted to be friendly to help with communication and try and make things easier on SD, but I didn't want to be friends. From my experience, my friendliness wasn't welcome because frankly, she didn't want to deal with me. She only wanted to speak to DH, unless she needs a favor she knows he will say no to.

    We don't have a great situation, but that doesn't mean you guys can't make something work.

    I do not have a good relationship with BM but neither does my DH. I told DH when we started dating that I would always respect BM`s role as SD`s mother and that there was no reason we could not get along and BM refused. BM refused to meet me dozens of times, I was finally introduced to her after I had been with DH for two years. She calls me names to my husband and tells him I am never going to be equal in SD`s life to her boyfriend. She says that I want to be SD`s mother. So no, we will not be becoming friends. I do however know that it is possible because my parents are divorced and are good friends and that includes my SM. Last Thanksgiving, we all had dinner together, including my father and SM`s children. It was wonderful and we all had a great time.

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  • I think there are huge differences between "good relationship" and "friends."

    XH and I have a functional relationship. We are civil, sometimes friendly I guess. But I don't consider him a friend. I cannot imagine being friends with his girlfriend. I cannot imagine him (or her) being friends with my husband.

    There's just too much history. 

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  • Unfortunately, real Blended Family life is rarely like an episode of "Reba."  While we can get along for the sake of the kids at important events, I wouldn't expect or want my husband to be friends with my ex, nor would I be friends with either BM.  BM2 and I get along pretty well, but I would not consider her a friend.  It's best if we keep at a distance.
  • I am a BM but would never consider being "friends" with BF's wife.  She has said nasty things about me to DS.  BF and I can't even talk without him managing to be completely outrageous so I can't imagine anything with her would go better.

    In a perfect world though, it would be great if everyone could at least be civil to each other.

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  • I very much like ds's sm and I believe she likes me. We don't sit on the phone and chat but when we're around each other we talk. She'll text me little jokes etc. She'll also call me and ask me medical questions since I'm a RN. We just don't have a lot in common. She's been ds1's sm for 12 years. So we've had time to work on this relationship. But she and I have never disliked each other.
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  • BM and I are friendly, but not friends. We send each other FB messages and comment on posts. We send each other mothers day cards etc. We live 9 hours apart but even so, I don't think we would hang out. I think a little distance is appropriate with that relationship.
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  • Friends no, friendly I think would be great but at this point I'm not going to go out of my way to make that happen.

    Having completely neutral feelings is good enough for me at this point lol. Actually I think the more I know about Bm the more I struggle to have neutral feelings so focusing on my family is more productive for my relationship with SS than knowing his mom better.
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  • image fellesferie:

    I think there are huge differences between "good relationship" and "friends."

    I agree with this. I have a very good relationship with BM, to the point that you could call us friendly. But I wouldn't exactly count her among my friends or invite her out for a girl's night or anything...


  • We generally have a good relationship.  BM does pick up and drop off when my DH is working and we do chit chat with all the kids present.  We also try and do the important things in the kids lives together (graduation dinners, confirmation dinners, school meetings and stuff).

    For me, its really important that the kids see that we all get along and they know we talk so they can't play us against each other that much. 

     We are not best friends, or even facebook friends, but for the sake of the children we are all friendly.

  • image dor79:

    We generally have a good relationship.  BM does pick up and drop off when my DH is working and we do chit chat with all the kids present.  We also try and do the important things in the kids lives together (graduation dinners, confirmation dinners, school meetings and stuff).

    For me, its really important that the kids see that we all get along and they know we talk so they can't play us against each other that much. 

     We are not best friends, or even facebook friends, but for the sake of the children we are all friendly.

    Snap.  Pretty much.

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  • Friendly? Yes. Friends? No. I think BD would love to be friends with DH, as he has suggested the two of them taking DS to a baseball or football game together, but we just don't think it's appropriate. I am friendly with BD's GFs, and plan to keep it that way. When DS eventually has a SM, I will be friendly with her too, but not friends.

    When BM2 and BD were together, BM2 would say how she would love it if in the future we could all have holidays together, with DS, her and BD and their kids and me and DH and our kids. Flame me if you must, but that's an inappropriate fantasy, IMO. DS will always feel loved and wanted, but I don't want him thinking that his family situation is something he should mimic. I want DS to be careful about his relationships, not have kids unless he's married, and be very selective in choosing a wife so that his marriage will not end in divorce. I am glad BD and I had DS, I am glad BD and I did not stay together, I am glad that I am with DH, and I am glad that we are having a LO together. All that means I am glad I have my Blended Family, but I would not wish a BF on another person.

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  • I guess you could say I'm friends with BM.  I talk to her a lot on the phone, get her kids gifts at birthday/Christmas, and occasionally even watch her kids when she's in a bind.

    It's possible, but certainly not the norm.  But for us, it works, and I'm glad it does.

     

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • I am friendly with BM.  She bought DD a gift when she was born.  I help SD make her mother's day gifts.  We talk at drop off/pick up since DH can't keep dates correct.  I don't agree with BM's parenting style and I question a lot of her doings (moved this weekend to a house that is next door to a sex offender and has 5 others on the same block and thinks there is no problem) but I don't hate her.  DH can't stand her but won't grow a backbone and do anything about having SD in the situations she is in so I try for what is best for SD and I try and be friendly with BM.

     

    My mom and SM are what you could consider BFF.  They do stuff together.  There is a picture from my sister's wedding 2 weeks ago of them dancing together.  They are planning my dad's 60th bday party together.  They are the example I learned from.  They have haven't always agreed but they did always stay civil for my sister and me.  I'm not saying I want to get to that point with BM but I will like to be about to go to school functions and later in life be involved in things.  I'd hate to think that when SD is getting married BM and I hate each other so I have to miss out on stuff.  If we get along now we can do like my mom's and sit together at the wedding because it's what is best for the kids. 

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  • I mostly lurk on this board and very rarely post but thought I would to this question. I feel in order to properly answer this question I need to give a little background... BM and my DH went to high school together and were friends before they ever dated. Not long after they started dating she got pregnant. They stayed together and tried to make it work but when SS was 14 months old they broke up for good. They have always been really reasonable with each other, and have never used SS as a pawn.

    My DH entered the army when SS was 19 months old, a plan he had already had in place when BM and him were still together, and left for basic training and then AIT. Before he left, him and I had already been dating for a few months and on several different occasions would get together with BM, her BF, and SS. Once DH left for the military BM went downhill and fast. She got addicted to heroin and rarely spent time with SS. Even though she was ruining her life and inturn not being a good mom to SS she made the right decision and asked my MIL to take in SS and then signed over custody to my DH.

    My DH has had full custody ever since, we do not have any CO that spells out who gets SS when but that is due to the fact that everyone has always been fair. Our situation seems to be very different from those that I have read about on this board, and in some ways I have been really lucky. I have known SS since he was 15 months old, have been married to his dad since he was 3, and have taken care of him since then too. He has lived with DH and I full time since the age of 3 and due to us living out of state, most of the time, and BM having had problems with drugs and not being allowed to leave the state, I have been the one that has raised him, he just turned 11 yesterday. In most situations when the custodial parent gets deployed the child goes to the other parent, that did not happen in our situation. SS has always been with me regardless of where DH has been. SS has always called me mom per his choice, this was not something that was asked of him or forced upon him, it is what he is comfortable with. As much as I know it must hurt BM that she has missed so much, I know she and her family have appreciated that I have been there for SS and have been his mom when BM has not been able to. We now live back in the same town as BM and we are very flexible with times and schedules. We typically try to do two days a week and EOWE, this typically turns into maybe 1 day a week (never overnights on a school night) and EOWE. She has an odd work schedule, from what she says, so she picks whatever day works for her and calls and asks, we have rarely if ever said no.

    So in answer to your question, we are by no means "friends" but we speak nicely to each other and have conversations at pickup and drop off, we will all attend things for SS, I inform her of school functions so she can also attend, and we are always flexible with dates, times, and holidays. She has always felt comfortable communicating problems she has had with SS, due to her having not always been around, and I or DH have tried to help when we can. It takes everyone being pretty level headed and understanding in order for things to go smoothly and if 1 person isn't able to put the best interest of the child first then it doesn't work well.

    I will say that we are by no means perfect or that everything goes smoothly because it doesn't, but if you feel that you can have a better relationship with BM there's really no harm in trying.

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  • When I was with my ex I was friendly with his exwife.  They had been divorced for over ten years and she had been around for multiple long term relationships before me.  So she had learned it is best for all involved to be friendly.  I would talk to her at events and even go to her house at least once a month to visit with the kids.  In all honesty I was a little weirded out by the closeness and friendliness between my ex and his exwife.  I felt there was some manipulation on her part and when problems occured it would get a little tense at these functions etc.  It was a lot to navigate.  If I could do it all over again I would have been a lot more accepting of the "friendly" situation.  I think naturally there was a lot going on under the surface (jealousy from his kids towards me and my son, etc.) and if I knew what I know now I would have handled it a lot better. 

    My advice to you is yes please do be friendly with her.  Make the best of the relationship for your SC's sake.  It is a lot better for everyone involved if you can all get along and be friendly. 

    "How often does the other woman get a happy ending?" Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl
  • I am the BM in the situation. Even after everything we are all civil. I even befriended the ex's mother. We actually had to go to court today and no fighting or anything. 
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  • Thank you all so much for your honesty. It is nice to hear a few good stories, even if they're not always realistic. 

    Like I said, I'm not looking to be her best friend, nor do I think it's entirely appropriate. I guess I just wish we had better communication, and that we didn't seem so cold to each other at events like soccer games and awards ceremonies. We sit on opposite sides and pretend like the other doesn't exist. She and I have not even exchanged phone numbers.

    SD is still young (only 6), so thankfully we have time to work on this before SD becomes more aware of the lack of communication. I don't ever want her to feel like I dislike her mother or that I think I'm the better "mother." And I certainly don't want her to feel stress over how her parents act.  

     

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    Bonus Mom to the Bean: June '06
  • I would consider BM my friend.  Up until DS was born there was almost no communication between her and I.  Once DS was born she moved into our neighborhood so SDs could be close to their little brother.  Our friendship has grown over time and she's even "babysat" DS for DH and I to go out and have a beer.  


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  • I have a wonderful relationship with my BM.  I do consider her a friend, but I know we have a rare (and fortunate) situation, and I am lucky to have such a good relationship with her.  There are many factors that have allowed this, mostly that there has been quite a bit of time since the divorce and that the kids are older.  However, there are some other little things that have helped.  For starters, I let the little things go.  There have been some remarks made about the past that have got to me; even made me a little jealous.  I have to remember that they had several years together and raised children together and they can't wipe out and never talk about the past.  The kids deserve to hear stories from thier childhood.  I keep it in the perspective of the kids and what they deserve.  Also, I stay focused on the present and my relationship with my husband and the kids; I stay focused and work on me and what I can do.  I can't change her so I work on bettering myself.  It makes life a lot easier. 
  • SS's mom and I have a cordial relationship.  Do I want to spend time with her? NO, but can I ? Sure...no problem. What ever is good for SS I will do.
  • Well, I brought my pearls to ex's gf to wear at their wedding tomorrow for her "something borrowed." So yeah, I'd say we're friends!
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  • I don't, but did try. We got along for a while until I disagreed with something she did. Then BM started saying bad things about me to SD. BM didn't like that I wanted to be a part of SDs life, and that's her issue. If BM and I could find a way to work thru problems rather than always just disagreeing, I would have no problem befriending her. 

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  • I have a son and I actually get along better with his new wife more than my Ex. I call her on the phone instead of him if I need something. I find its better for the kids when you get along and they see that. Now my SDs BM we will never be friends she hates me lol. She is very angry with us that she lost custody and can't win them back so she will never try to be reasonable.
  • In a way, I really wish BM and I could be friends--it would make life so much easier for SS and SD. However, she cannot cope with me--I did not even meet DH until she was already remarried, but she still resents my relationship with DH and as a SM to her kids. She has asked DH for me not to communicate with her, so DH has to relay all communication now. A friendship needs 2 people: both onboard with being friends. I think it can happen if both the SM and BM are at a place that they can respect, like, and accept one another.
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