October 2012 Moms

UGH! Post-baby visitors...

So, I made the mistake of assuming that our parents knew we would want them to visit after the baby was born, but I didn't set parameters.  I assumed they would know that, especially as a first time mom, we would want time as just the 3 of us (DH, baby and me) before DH goes back to work 2 weeks after the baby is born.

I just found out my MIL is planning on staying for two weeks!  Ugh ugh ugh.  She wouldn't be staying with us since we don't have the room, but with my SIL who lives 3 miles away.  I love my MIL, I really do, but even the thought of my own mother staying for that long makes me want to break out in hives (my parents will only be staying 3-4 days max).  This is the IL's first grand baby, and my parents 3rd, so I'm sure that's playing in to this a bit.

DH is willing to say something about making the stay shorter, but he likes the idea of her being here that long.  I'm going to have to ask him to be the bad guy, huh?

Has anyone had a GOOD experience of family staying that long after baby is born?  I'm trying to decide if we just play it by ear, or if we broach the topic now...

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Re: UGH! Post-baby visitors...

  • My mother typically stays with us for the two weeks after DH has gone back to work and honestly I would not have it any other way bs he has been a tremendous help to me after each of my kids were born but she knows her boundaries and I have no problem telling her when to back off if necessary. That being said, she lets me handle the baby and she cooks dinner every night, helps out with my other kids, helps out with my house work, does laundry.....she pretty much will do anything I ask of her.  I think it really depends on your ILs personality and whether you will be entertaining them or they are truly there to help you out. If they are there to help, take the help because those first few weeks are rough and it could help you adjust. 
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  • Wait, I am confused? Why can't she stay with your SIL.

    Hopefully, she is awesome like Queenie's mom. But realistically, you will be hormonal, bleeding out your vag like never before, and stressed. That doesn't sound like any way I would want to be in front of my MIL. I know I would be a bish and that I would act in a way that I would regret/not really intend and just need my space.

    However, you know best. But I would see if she could stay with SIL. You can always have her stay longer/more if you want. It would be easier to say, "Do you mind staying tonight to help" than "GetoutofmyhousebeforeIpunchyou!" 

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  • Maybe talk to SIL too? Just because she is there for 2 weeks doesn't mean she has to go to your house everyday. Have SIL do day trips with her o maybe she can do lunch or whatever with other relatives while she's in town. Or if you need a break from her have your DH take her out for a mother/son date on night ;) 

  • You and DH could make a "rule" and communicate that to both sets of parents. For example, DH and I decided that, for the three days following birth - no matter who is here in the city to visit - we will be alone with the baby at our house to promote bonding so we can both have skin to skin contact unhampered. People can visit, but only in 45 minute increments and there's no guarantee that I'll be out to visit - and no guarantee that baby will be out to visit either. After 3 days, we will welcome ILs and parents only, but not all day.

    I've explained to DH that I'll be bleeding and looking crazy , and likely acting bishy. So he will buffer from ILS if he sees me needing a buffer.

    Also, my mom and my sister will be "entertaining" ILs, so they don't sit on my couch the whole time.  it's great that theyr'e not staying with you. this will at least give you night time with your LO by yourself.

    I understand that we'll all need help. I really do get it. but sounds like you're like me... if you want help, you'll ask. We're prob similar in that we want to see how it goes - just like every other mom before us. I don't see anything wrong with that.

     

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  • I second Queenie...my mom came to stay 3 weeks after DS was born (which I said ok to, but was really thinking that it wouldn't be necessary since DH was off work that whole time). She was a total life saver. DH helps, but he just doesn't really know what to do the way moms do. And she's here now for when LO is born and I'm sooo glad, especially since we have DS to consider too. BUT...I'm totally comfortable around my mom and she does not need any entertaining. And I don't feel bad crying in front of her, or being a super hormonal mess. I wouldn't feel that way at all around mil and it would be absolutely terrible is she stayed longer than 3 days. 

    Just know that it won't be like all the other times people visit. You will be a mess and have to bf a lot and sleep a lot during the day, so it won't be like you have to spend all day hanging out with mil. I didn't feel any pressure to entertain...if they wanted to stay, they could just hang out alone while I did my thing. GL! 

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  • My mom stayed that long with my sister and it was helpful for her. She also had a c-section and the incision got infected, so she was pretty useless while recovering. Personally, I'd probably go nuts.
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  • thanks for posting! assume would sleep when baby does. what am fearful of happening is them taking over the care of my baby outside of breastfeeding. am fickle know like cleaning my own house outside of paid help. the idea of my mom or mil doing this causes me angst
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  • I think you just have to be clear and vocal about what your expectations are in terms of help.  We told our families that we needed help with errands, cooking, cleaning, and not the baby and that they'd have some time with her, but we really needed to build up our confidence and learn what we were doing.  My mother was a lifesaver - she went to target, the supermarket, and babies r us like daily for the first couple of days.  she did laundary, picked up things for us, and made sure DH and I were sitting and eating, and that I was resting with my feet up and drinking tons of water.  My mother in law wasn't as good, but she was still helpful. 
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  • I'm practicing my *** face just in case SO doesn't have the balls to tell people we want some alone time.
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  • yeah, so I slept on this last night and it's still freaking me out.

    MIL will definitely stay with SIL, but SIL/BIL work, so she is going to want to be at our place all day, every day.  My DH is already stressing out about "entertaining", and I told him that under no circumstances will I entertain.  I may even hide in our bedroom so LO and I can have skin-to-skin time and I refuse to apologize for it.  He kind of feels bad because "it's their first grandchild" and he wants them to have an amazing time.  I had to remind him that this kid is our first CHILD.  The ILs have done this before... it's OUR turn now.

    I don't know what to expect from her.  She's an amazing cook, but I don't know if she'll want to cook in my kitchen.  She hates going out and isn't familiar with the area we live in, so I don't know if she's going to be willing to run errands without DH or I tagging along.  She doesn't clean (she has a weekly cleaning person), so that's not going to happen.

    I know we are going to have evenings/nights, but ugh.  My DH only has 2 weeks off and I didn't want to spend all of them with other people around. 

    Thanks for the input

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  • image Mrs_Lady:
    thanks for posting! assume would sleep when baby does. what am fearful of happening is them taking over the care of my baby outside of breastfeeding. am fickle know like cleaning my own house outside of paid help. the idea of my mom or mil doing this causes me angst

    this exactly.

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  • Since you know that she's a good cook, maybe you can specifically assign that task to her and make it her job to at least cook and clean the kitchen.  That way, she will be isolated to that room for the period of time it takes to make meals.

    Also, even if she's not really comfortable navigating a new place, you probably have a grocery store close by so maybe you could task her with doing the grocery shopping.

    Personally, I don't like it when people come to my house to just hang out on my turf unless it's specifically for a party that I planned, so I would have no trouble setting limits on her visitation time. 

    I can't stand my MIL though, so that probably factors into my feelings.

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  • image DottyBlue:

    MIL will definitely stay with SIL, but SIL/BIL work, so she is going to want to be at our place all day, every day.  My DH is already stressing out about "entertaining", and I told him that under no circumstances will I entertain.  I may even hide in our bedroom so LO and I can have skin-to-skin time and I refuse to apologize for it.  He kind of feels bad because "it's their first grandchild" and he wants them to have an amazing time.  I had to remind him that this kid is our first CHILD.  The ILs have done this before... it's OUR turn now.

    I absolutely love this point.  Well said, lady.

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