Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Am I silly or she out of line?

This is really minor but I would like to hear from other moms.

My friend came over recently with her 2 year old daughter.  Daughter wanted to see my 8 week old's nursery so I gladly took them to see it.  Daughter eyed some stuffed animals that I have displayed up on a high shelf along with some other gifts and trinkets for DD.  Without asking me, my friend says to her daughter "Which one do you want to play with?"  I was shocked!  These were gifts that my child hasn't yet to play with.  I get that they are stuffed animals and that this isn't the end of the world but wouldn't manners suggest that a parent draw the line at some point and tell their child, "That isn't for you to play with. Go play with the toys you brought with you."  Or ask me first, if not take the opportunity to teach the daughter to ask, "May I play with her toys?"

Daughter then made a bee line for a decorative pillow that I'd placed on a chair; another gift for my DD that was expensive, handmade, irreplaceable, and isn't really a play-toy. Her mom didn't stop her and without thinking I said "Not that one" because I really didn't want her to destroy it, but then I felt awkward and tried to cover up what I said by explaining why this item was off limits.  So Daughter points to one of the stuffed animals and her mom gives it to her to play with. 

Contrast this to when a stranger and her toddler were at our house for about 1/2 hour while our two husbands were loading the furniture on our truck that they were purchasing from us. Their little boy wanted his daddy so to distract him I brought out one of DD's electronic toys that she isn't yet old enough to play with.  The mom certainly didn't ask, "Hey, got any toys my kid can play with?" nor did she permit him to play with anything in our house.  I just offered; mom and toddler happily accepted.  All was well.

To me it is more that the expectation that someone would come in to my home with their child and permit their child to treat it like their personal playground without setting boundaries. We're had a few families with toddlers over and this hasn't happened.  Perhaps when my DD is a it older and exploring I'll permit her to grab at whatever she wants no matter who it belongs to just to keep her from crying. I certainly hope not. But I'm a FTM so I thought I might ask you ladies: was my friend out of line to not ask first or is this within acceptable boundaries because it was a child's toy. 

TIA for your honest assessment!  Like many FTMs I've got a lot to learn and children's etiquette is no exception. ;)

 

 

Re: Am I silly or she out of line?

  • You are not out of line at all. I teach my kids that there are things that are OURS and things that are NOT.

    If my kids are visiting someone and they touch something that is the homeowners (like a toy, or anything), I say "that's not ours!" and we put it down, unless the homeowner says she can touch it.

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  • You're not out of line at all, your friend should have asked first and used the opportunity to model good manners for her daughter.  And you were welll within your rights to protect the handmade gift. 
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  • Now that I've been a mom for 2 plus years I wouldn't care or even think anything about a friends little one wanting to play with a toy,,,but with my first, when he was little I probably would have not really wanted another toddler to break em in,,,,the pillow thing sounds awkward but if its meaningful id def not want someone playing with it....

    You probably WILL look back at this & laugh..... You try your best & later on you learn that you can't control everything,,,,,& at times: nothing ;)

     

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  • I agree with PP, but at the same time I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. There are more important things. Although if it happens again, I would say something to your friend.
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  • It's weird of them not to ask permission.
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  • I think she was out of line. I also have a two year old, but I would not ask her what toy she wants to play with in another person's house unless the mother of that baby (you, for this example) offered first. That is why I bring my DD's toys if I know there is a chance that there may not be age appropriate toys for her at that person's home.
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  •  I think she is out of line. I dont care if its your first or you tenth, you ask permission to use peoples things.
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  • If we go somewhere without toys for my 3 year old, I make sure to bring my own. If she asks to play with something, I tell her that its not ours and we have to ask the person it belongs to (she's not shy at all so she'll ask :) ) Usually if its a toy, she's told yes though :)
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  • What would you have done if she had asked first to play with the one of the stuffed animals, would you have refused to let her play with it?  While I would generally ask before letting my kid play with toys at someone else's houses I don't really see the problem here.

    Like a pp said, when my first was a baby I may have felt the way you do but now that he is three and I have had lots of other little kids over to our house I would never expect another kid to ask permission to play with toys that are out in full view.  If there are special toys  that I know DS would have a hard time sharing or that aren't really for playing with I will put them away when other kids come over but my thought is that any toy that keeps the kid occupied and happy is fair game.  I'm referring only to toys, however, if there are special things like the pillow you mention I would just say "that's not a toy" or "that's special and not for playing with" and put it somewhere out of sight.  I guess I don't see the point in having a bunch of stuff out in the open that's off limits to kids because that will only lead to battles that don't really need to be fought, kwim?

  • image lovebug33:
     I think she is out of line. I dont care if its your first or you tenth, you ask permission to use peoples things.

     

    This.  I would never assume that I could just hand over someone else's toy for my kid to play with.  I just think it's kinda rude, actually.

     

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  • i think it was rude too!  her daughter was just eyeing and not touching the toys and mom suggested her dd take her pick of items that were not hers.  i think there is a lack of manners here and that is why your irritated/ confused- i would tell my child "its not ours- dont touch"  I also grew up with parents (mine/ and other friends/family) still telling the child "no, you have your own toys here" even if the homeowner/host said it was okay after scenario.
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  • Um, no, you aren't being silly, and yes, your friend was out of line. I fully intend to teach our children that it's okay to play with what is theirs, but not okay to play with what isn't without the owner's permission. Your friend sounds a bit ill-mannered...
  • Thank you! I have no intention of raising this issue to my friend. If she chooses to raise her DD that way, I'm not going to let a stuffed animal come in the way of our friendship. I really wanted to know if my reaction was unreasonable which you have said it was not.  I appreciate the responses!
  • image jasrun80:

    Now that I've been a mom for 2 plus years I wouldn't care or even think anything about a friends little one wanting to play with a toy,,,but with my first, when he was little I probably would have not really wanted another toddler to break em in,,,,the pillow thing sounds awkward but if its meaningful id def not want someone playing with it....

    You probably WILL look back at this & laugh..... You try your best & later on you learn that you can't control everything,,,,,& at times: nothing ;)

     

     

    This, in two years you'll look back and realize it's not a big deal at all. 

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  • image reinedecajun:
    image jasrun80:

    Now that I've been a mom for 2 plus years I wouldn't care or even think anything about a friends little one wanting to play with a toy,,,but with my first, when he was little I probably would have not really wanted another toddler to break em in,,,,the pillow thing sounds awkward but if its meaningful id def not want someone playing with it....

    You probably WILL look back at this & laugh..... You try your best & later on you learn that you can't control everything,,,,,& at times: nothing ;)

     

     

    This, in two years you'll look back and realize it's not a big deal at all. 

    Thanks. I realize NOW that it isn't a big deal. But rude is rude, big deal or not.

    And BTW, the room wasn't full of toys.  These were up on a high shelf.  And certainly had she asked I would have let her play with the stuffed animal because even if she destroyed the thing (which was unlikely), DD wouldn't miss it and DH and I would have a big laugh about it later ("the little toy killer" or something like that).  The point isn't the toy.  The point is the lack of boundaries and manners.

    This little girl is just annoying in general...because that is what she is being raised to be.  Most of my other friends' toddlers are delightful.  This one is spoiled.  But she isn't my concern.  MY reaction caught me off guard, but most others agree that I didn't over react.

  • I think I'd have to agree, the girl's mother was out of line. You just don't offer up someone else's belongings for your child to play with. If the child wants to ask politely or the homeowner offers, ok. Furthermore, these were things out of the way, on a shelf and in a room that's not generally considered a common area. If it were a toy in a basket on the living room floor that was obviously placed out for use, then I'd consider it "fair game", not something kept in a bedroom or a nursery, which for some is a very private place. 
  • The other mom was definitely out fo line. I'm a tad anal and this is our 1st child. So I know I'll be the same way with my child's things. Like you said, your DD hasn't even played with these things yet. Let my child break them in first. They're hers. And then the nerve of her to ask her child "Which one do you want to play with?" I would've passed out. Lol. That is so rude.
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  • AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING "GHETTO" HELL NO! IT'S HARD TO TELL PEOPLE HOW THEY SHOULD HAV THEIR CHILDREN BEHAVING BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR STUFF AND DD'S STUFF THERE IS NO HOLDING BACK... THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOUR FRIEND AND ANYONE ELSE IS GOIN TO KNOW THE KIND OF PARENTING YOU HAVE AND OR WONT TOLERATE... I STILL HAVE TO TELL MY IN LAWS NOT TO GIVE MY 1 YEAR OLD F*%$ING CHEETOS!!! REALLY! LAWRD, SEE... IT GETS WORSE BUT ITS IMPORTANT THAT YOUR DD KNOWS WHAT KIND OF MOMMY YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU EXPECT OF HER WHETHER YOUR AROUND OR NOT, WHETHER ITS HERS OR NOT.. WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT.. SORRY FOR THE RANT, BUT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAD WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.. STAY FIRM AND HOLD YOUR GROUND.. IM PROUD OF YOU AND SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!!!!

    MISS KENZIES MOMMY!

  • Your "friend" has no manners. Period. I've been a mom for 14+ years and I'd still be annoyed with her actions. You did nothing wrong. And re: being a FTM and children's etiquette: Unfortunately, you will find that often, children these days have no etiquette. Their parents let them run wild like monsters and never say a word. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will do just fine. Trust your instincts.

     

    Edit: Wait, I just noticed that you are in Ireland. I'm thinking the "let's raise our children to be irresponsible little monsters" is an American phenomenon. I pray that Europe is still grounded in their parenting ideas.

  • No.No one should offer anything that isn't theirs to offer.You have every right to say everything in this room is off limits and next time please ask before you tell your child she can have whatever she wants.Lightning
  • Oh, your friend was WAYYY out of line, period. Your child's nursery isn't a playground, and a parent should NEVER offer someone else's items to their children. Who does that? I wouldn't invite them over again for a VERY long time, though, she seems like the type that would invite herself over...
  • image keringtonp:
    Oh, your friend was WAYYY out of line, period. Your child's nursery isn't a playground, and a parent should NEVER offer someone else's items to their children. Who does that? I wouldn't invite them over again for a VERY long time, though, she seems like the type that would invite herself over...

     I had the same thought about the rude mother. She seems to be one of those people that invite themselves over, and do not really listen to what you talk about. If she wants her child to play with other people's toys, she will tell the child to do it. And hence, we have a child that is raised to be as ill-mannered as her mother. Sad. I'd die of shame rather than just boss myself around like that, but I was raised properly. :-) 

  • image FemShep:
    You're not out of line at all, your friend should have asked first and used the opportunity to model good manners for her daughter.  And you were welll within your rights to protect the handmade gift. 

    This. I think people should ask first bc some items are not really toys. Besides, there's nothing wrong with kids learning that not everything is theirs to touch.

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