1st Trimester

Gender Disappointment

I feel like this is a topic that is taboo during pregnancy. Everyone wants a healthy, happy baby - I know this and let's just get that out of the way. I hope I don't get flamed to holy hell for saying this...and it's just my opinion....

The "new" generation of my family (all my cousin's kids, which there are 9 of them) are all boys. I have a brother, and 2 male cousins. I've got 4 female cousins. I've always wanted kids, and now more than ever I REALLY want a girl.  I am hoping and praying this baby is a girl. I know boys are great, my family is full of them, but there is a part of me that would be really sad if we had another boy. Everyone says once you have the baby, you won't care what the sex is, as long as it's healthy.

There has been a big boy boom in my city for the past few yrs - very few girls are being born. Have you ever known anyone to have gender disappointment? did they cope well?

TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
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Re: Gender Disappointment

  • My cousin really wanted a girl but she has 2 boys. She won't have more kids because she "knows" it will be a boy. After her first she was really upset, she didn't want to look at girl babies or girl things and when other people in the family had girls she was angry. After the second boy she was devestated. When she had her second boy there were three other babies born within 5 weeks (I have a large family with lots of kids) and the other three were all girls. She resented all of them.

    She loves her boys and treats them well and was proud of them just the same. She is a wonderful mom. She still feels she was cheated out of having a girl somehow. EDIT I should mention she in spite of feeling that she is very happy and has a really good time with her boys. They are loved very much.

    I never understood it. I never wanted a girl or boy with my first. With the second when everyone said "bet you want a girl" or "I hope it's your girl" I just didn't agree. I never wanted one or the other. I now have two boys and to be honest, I don't care what this baby is either. Boys are just as amazing as girls. Girls tend to get more attention with certain people in my family but I think it's silly. 

  • I agree everyone is hoping for a happy and healthy pregnancy. That being said I also think 99% of us picture their little one as either a boy or girl and are hoping for one over another.  I know with my first I was praying it was a boy, I wanted one so bad and I know that had they said girl I would have been a little sad initially. This time around I was convinced I was having a girl since the pregnancy was so different.  I got giddy looking at pink and purple things and didn't research a lot of boy names only girls. Well it's another boy. I admit for a short time I did feel a little sad. I know we won't have anymore kids so I know I won't have a daughter. However then I got so excited about another little boy and my son have a brother. So after all that, yes I think initial gender disapointment is ok. I think that in some rare cases it can not be ok, but overall a little sadness is ok. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby but your "idea" just changes a little.

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  • I feel like I will be like your sister. I will be so sad, but would still love my son regardless. I even asked my H about adopting a girl, but adoption is just so expensive.
    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • image RussianMommy:
    I feel like I will be like your sister. I will be so sad, but would still love my son regardless. I even asked my H about adopting a girl, but adoption is just so expensive.

    Just give it some time. I don't think there's anything wrong with being upset or disappointed when things don't turn out the way we wanted. It doesn't mean you love your son less. If you want a girl to do girly things maybe if you have a niece or a friend has a daughter you could do things with them. I take my nieces to get their nails done and things do other girly things with them.

  • image blush64:

    image RussianMommy:
    I feel like I will be like your sister. I will be so sad, but would still love my son regardless. I even asked my H about adopting a girl, but adoption is just so expensive.

    Just give it some time. I don't think there's anything wrong with being upset or disappointed when things don't turn out the way we wanted. It doesn't mean you love your son less. If you want a girl to do girly things maybe if you have a niece or a friend has a daughter you could do things with them. I take my nieces to get their nails done and things do other girly things with them.

    no nieces :( 3 of my female cousins are done having kids, my other one is only 21, so that'll be a while. my 1 male cousin is done having kids and my other male cousin is only 18.... and my brother.. well.... that'll be a while too. I know things can change at anytime.. and I get what you're saying... I've been on GD websites where women discuss their issues and it all comes down to mourning the life you wanted to have. But I know that if we have 2 boys, I will definitely give their brides the wedding they want!! LOL Hope she doesnt mind! haha

    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • I feel like getting your heart set on a specific sex is asking for disappointment. If you go into it knowing and accepting it is a crapshoot, the results won't be so hard to take. Personally I think it is ridiculous and selfish to let yourself get that worked up about it. Your child should be expected, born, and welcomed with love and excitement, not disappointment and resentment.
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  • I do not think extended disappointment is normal or healthy at all.  If you really think you are going to be "so sad"....get counseling.  I think a re-adjustment period if you think LO will be one sex and turns out the other is normal, because you have to retrain your thoughts to be "he" vs "she" (or vice versa).   And adopting because you want a specific sex is bad idea...it puts waaayyy too much expectation on a baby for a desired type of relationship you think you are lacking with your biological children.


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  • image L&R70707:

    I do not think extended disappointment is normal or healthy at all.  If you really think you are going to be "so sad"....get counseling.  I think a re-adjustment period if you think LO will be one sex and turns out the other is normal, because you have to retrain your thoughts to be "he" vs "she" (or vice versa).   And adopting because you want a specific sex is bad idea...it puts waaayyy too much expectation on a baby for a desired type of relationship you think you are lacking with your biological children.

    This, but especially the bolded. Feeling "so sad" because your baby is born the "wrong" sex is a problem that you should talk over with someone, and not a message board. 



  • I think gender expectation/disappointment is problematic because it puts such a specific set of expectations on what is an individual human being. 

    I don't want to raise my daughter in a certain way because **I** am looking to get something specific out of that experience.

     

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  • I know someone who was dying to have a girl. She was a high school volleyball coach and would talk about how someday she would coach her daughter's team etc.

    She has had two boys and I don't think they are planning on having another. She absolutely adores her two sons.

    I am pregnant with my first and I can say that I'm leaning toward wanting a boy, but I'd be SO happy with either. Once I'm pregnant with my 2nd I know I'll be hoping much more for the opposite gender of whatever this baby is.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling disappointment and I certainly don't think that people should be telling you that it's wrong to be posting this on a message board. You have something on your mind and this should be a safe, non-judgmental place to post your hopes and fears. With that being said, if you get to the end of your pregnancy or after the baby is born and you are still feeling a lot of disappointment, I agree, you should seek a professional counselor.

    If you find out that this baby is a boy, take your time to "come around" to all the great things about little boys. It may take some time, but I'm sure you will grow to love every little piece of your baby no matter what the gender.

    Good luck and take care.


  • While I don't expect everyone to understand, I know I am not the only person in the world to feel this way and I certainly don't think I require professional help. I adore all my little cousins who are boys (there are 9 of them after all!) and I look after all of them on a regular basis. I am not going to resent my son if he turns out to be a boy.
    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • I'm going to sound so cliche but I really don't care.  I'm more than likely going to have 2 girls and I'm totally thrilled about it.  If it were 2 boys, I'd feel the same way.  These are my children.  I will love them and they will love me.  The sex of my child is not going to change that one bit.  FWIW, DH is just as happy.  He has no issue not having a son.  Our daughter is the world to him.  

    To each is own, I just don't get it.  

     

     


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  • image mabenner1:
    I feel like getting your heart set on a specific sex is asking for disappointment. If you go into it knowing and accepting it is a crapshoot, the results won't be so hard to take. Personally I think it is ridiculous and selfish to let yourself get that worked up about it. Your child should be expected, born, and welcomed with love and excitement, not disappointment and resentment.

     

    This. Don't worry about it and understand that this will be your child regardless. I was leaning toward a girl just because I never really had experience with boys. Low and behold my baby is a boy...and I could care less because everything was put into perspective when I saw him on the screen. He is MY child. So sorry, nope. Don't understand gender disappointment.

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  • I don't think there's anything wrong with being a little sad. When I found out I was having a boy I was a little bummed. Not even sad really, just a little bummed, and I have heard this same thing from other girlfriends. Mostly my fault because I was looking at girly things and all my friends were "team girl" and we'd talk about it a lot. I do want one of each because I want the experience of raising both but I know that I am lucky to have a healthy baby either way and I will be lucky if I ever get to have another, boy or girl.

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    Jacob, 1/14/13
  • Being upset at the gender of your HEALTHY child is sickening to me.  unlike the PP, I DO think there is something wrong with being "a little sad" or bummed or disappointed..whatever word you want to put on it. 

    Be happy you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child.  Don't be sad because you won't be able to fulfill whatever preconceived notion you have for a particular gender-stereotyped relationship. Good God, what is wrong with people!

     
             Baby C - 08.23.13
  • image MagPie 1986:

    Being upset at the gender of your HEALTHY child is sickening to me.  unlike the PP, I DO think there is something wrong with being "a little sad" or bummed or disappointed..whatever word you want to put on it. 

    Be happy you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child.  Don't be sad because you won't be able to fulfill whatever preconceived notion you have for a particular gender-stereotyped relationship. Good God, what is wrong with people!

    lol - pretty sure there are worst things out there. 

    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • I have a friend who has now had 5 boys and is pregnant with her 6th baby. They don't know what 6 is yet, but I know she cried when they told her 5 was another boy. It took her a few weeks to "accept" it.

    Best of luck!

     

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  • image LexiLupin:

    I don't know anyone who has gone through this, but some things I've encountered on here regarding the sex-

    I've seen some people say that they prefer not to learn the sex of the baby ahead of time, because any slight notions of gender preference will go completely out the window when you've finally hit the end of the long road of delivery and are holding your LO.

    On the other hand, I've seen people say that they struggled to feel like they bonded with their LO while pregnant if they didn't know the sex, or got too anxious because they felt like they couldn't plan ahead (clothes and nursery stuff, I think), couldn't call him or her by a definite name, etc.

    Maybe, in order to overcome your disappointment, you should consider which approach would be best? On the one hand, if you didn't learn the sex, you might spend that much more time hoping for a girl and setting yourself up for more disappointment if it isn't. On the other, will it matter when someone hands you your baby for the first time? 

    Or if you're afraid of the unknown, finding out early could help you deal with any potential disappointment issues right away, if it is a boy, and give you lots of time to contemplate all the awesome things about having a son. Get all those guys in your family to help out in the nursery and give you suggestions for a kick@$$ theme for your little man. :-)

     

    a friend of mine is not finding out until delivery for the same reason. us, on the other hand, will find out the gender in november. I reallly want to know so I can start the nursery and get outfits ready and call him/her by their name, which we have had picked out for the past 2 yrs. 

    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • I am so glad you brought this up. I have one son, and my brother (only sibling) has two boys. I am really hoping this one is a girl, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up, because I feel like I will be dissapointed. I am only planning on having two children, so this is my last chance for a girl. Also the last chance for my mom n dad to have a grand-daughter. Both my dad and mom have mentioned that they are hoping for a girl too, The pressure is on! 

    I am really nervous to even find out the sex of my baby. I want to find out  while Im by myself, because I know if i find out Im having a boy I will probably cry at first. I will be happy, of course for a healthy baby. But...you know. 

    Glad to hear someone else is having the same feelings about this because I was trying to stuff it down and act like I wouldnt really care.. Maybe I wont a year from now, but right now, I do! 

  • I will be happy either way. I eventually want a girl, but right now we will have a few more kids after this one, so I am not stressed about it. :)
    Chad and Fawn

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  • I think there's always a little part in expected mother's who hope a little bit for a certain gender and I don't think that's bad. I wanted a girl with my first pregnancy and was excited when they announced she was, yet I still was saddened a bit for the loss of not having a boy, KWIM? 

    What peeves me is if someone finds out they have the opposite gender they were hoping for and they get really upset about it. That's just lame. There are so many ladies who would just beam to have the chance to have any sex, just to be able to have a baby. I know a couple girls who pouted after hearing the reveal and I just thought it was gross.  

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  • image MagPie 1986:
    Being upset at the gender of your HEALTHY child is sickening to me.nbsp; unlike the PP, I DO think there is something wrong with being "a little sad" or bummed or disappointed..whatever word you want to put on it.nbsp; Be happy you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child.nbsp; Don't be sad because you won't be able to fulfill whatever preconceived notion you have for a particular genderstereotyped relationship. Good God, what is wrong with people!

    I think you are being a little extreme.

    With number 2 I wanted a girl. They showed me his boy parts on the ultrasound, my my mind went "aw darn, no girl for me" and I felt sad for about 5 minutes because I cherish MY relationship with my mom so much that I have always hoped to have a daughter. And then I went home and started bonding with Caleb and getting so excited about my little boy. He is the light of my life, and I love him with all my heart and cant imagine life without him.

    But guess what, I still hope our last baby is a girl. Shame on me, from your perspective. But if it is a boy I will embrace being a "boy mom" and love my son with all my heart. But it will take me a few minutes to adjust to thr idea of not ever having a daughter. I dont think there is anything wrong with that.

    DS1 ~ 2009 DS2 ~ 2011 DS3 ~ 2013 DS4 ~ September 2014

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  • After seeing friends struggle with infertility as well as just seeing a friend go through having a baby with serious birth defects and special needs, I have no gender preference. I also judge people who are "disappointed." They need counseling if they are disappointed with a healthy baby.
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  • This is the reason I'm glad we were team green for DS.  Once he was born we were so happy, we didn't care what we had as long as it was a healthy baby.  I have to say it really makes me sad when people are adament that they don't want a boy.  Before DS I was nervous to have a boy, not to the point where I would be disappointed to have one though.  I just pictured myself with a girl.  Now it's hard to imagine having a girl and I would be all set having another DS. I would bet that if you had a boy you will feel differently.
  • image mabenner1:
    I feel like getting your heart set on a specific sex is asking for disappointment. If you go into it knowing and accepting it is a crapshoot, the results won't be so hard to take. Personally I think it is ridiculous and selfish to let yourself get that worked up about it. Your child should be expected, born, and welcomed with love and excitement, not disappointment and resentment.

    This.  I think that saying you will be "so sad" not to have a specific gender is ridiculous. 

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  • My husband has always talked about wanting a daughter.  I became nervous even before I was pregnant that if I had a boy, my husband wouldn't be as happy.  However, my husband has said since I became pregnant, that he thinks this baby will be a boy and keeps referring to it as "he" and "him" and talking about boy names we can agree on.  When I asked him if, deep down inside, he really still wanted a girl he said "I'm not going to waste a prayer on gender.  I'll save all my prayers for health."

    Of course, this is my first.  If I already had a boy, or two or three, I'm not sure how I'd feel then.  I'd probably long for a girl.  But I'll still love every blessing I'm lucky enough to give birth to.

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  • image Boo0512:

    I know someone who was dying to have a girl. She was a high school volleyball coach and would talk about how someday she would coach her daughter's team etc.

    She has had two boys and I don't think they are planning on having another. She absolutely adores her two sons.

    I am pregnant with my first and I can say that I'm leaning toward wanting a boy, but I'd be SO happy with either. Once I'm pregnant with my 2nd I know I'll be hoping much more for the opposite gender of whatever this baby is.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling disappointment and I certainly don't think that people should be telling you that it's wrong to be posting this on a message board. You have something on your mind and this should be a safe, non-judgmental place to post your hopes and fears. With that being said, if you get to the end of your pregnancy or after the baby is born and you are still feeling a lot of disappointment, I agree, you should seek a professional counselor.

    If you find out that this baby is a boy, take your time to "come around" to all the great things about little boys. It may take some time, but I'm sure you will grow to love every little piece of your baby no matter what the gender.

    Good luck and take care.

     

    I agree!

  • image Grace0609:
    image MagPie 1986:
    Being upset at the gender of your HEALTHY child is sickening to me.nbsp; unlike the PP, I DO think there is something wrong with being "a little sad" or bummed or disappointed..whatever word you want to put on it.nbsp; Be happy you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child.nbsp; Don't be sad because you won't be able to fulfill whatever preconceived notion you have for a particular genderstereotyped relationship. Good God, what is wrong with people!
    I think you are being a little extreme. With number 2 I wanted a girl. They showed me his boy parts on the ultrasound, my my mind went "aw darn, no girl for me" and I felt sad for about 5 minutes because I cherish MY relationship with my mom so much that I have always hoped to have a daughter. And then I went home and started bonding with Caleb and getting so excited about my little boy. He is the light of my life, and I love him with all my heart and cant imagine life without him. But guess what, I still hope our last baby is a girl. Shame on me, from your perspective. But if it is a boy I will embrace being a "boy mom" and love my son with all my heart. But it will take me a few minutes to adjust to thr idea of not ever having a daughter. I dont think there is anything wrong with that.

     

    Well said! 

  • image Lariah14:
    After seeing friends struggle with infertility as well as just seeing a friend go through having a baby with serious birth defects and special needs, I have no gender preference. I also judge people who are "disappointed." They need counseling if they are disappointed with a healthy baby.


    We TTC for 4 years and finally got a BFP after I went through IVF. I really really want a girl. Will I love and be happy with a boy? Of course! But if you suffer from infertility you also think about the possibility of having only one child. I always wanted a boy first the. A girl but since this might be our obe and only I would much prefer a girl.
    My H has alllll boys on his side so we would love a girl from that perspective too.
    I don't think there's anything wrong with having a preference and its natural to feel a twinge of disappointment if you find out youre having the opposite. But I'm sure you will find you get just as excited about your child as soon as you wrap your head around it.
    You will love and care for them and be an amazing mom and you'll be so happy with him or her. So I wouldn't feel guilty or worry too much just take it step by step!
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  • My mom did. Between her and my father they had 4 girls and only 1 boy before I was born. Lo and behold, her last chance at a son (my brother is my father's child from a previous relationship) is me. Was she disappointed? Yeah! Did she treat me any differently? No. Do I feel that my mom would love me more if I was a boy. Absolutely not. Gender disappointment seems like a bigger issue than it really is. Moms love their children unconditionally ( most of the time). 
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