I just need to vent.. to someone, anyone, or no one!! Sigh..
Things have been so exhausting.. DS can not seem to stick with any sort of a schedule.. which, is fine, he's a newborn.. I didn't expect him to stick to a schedule.. but the whiplash is driving me crazy! One day, he sleeps ALL day long.. no matter what I do, he just sleeps (and, he's nearly impossible to wake up -- tickle toes, tickle ribs, rub behind his ear -- hell, I even gently tugged his hair and he still wouldn't wake!!).. then, he's up ALL night long.. other days, he's up ALL day, and sleeps decent at night.. then there are days when he's up ALL day AND ALL night.. there's no rhyme or reason.. and, sometimes he's up and content (and that, I'm 100% fine with.. I can handle that!!), but other times he's up and screaming.. SCREAMING.
I swore it was colic.. because, he gets in these moods and he just WAILS. Lips quivering, tears filling his eyes, face turning red.. and it doesn't matter what I do to try and console him.. he just, wails :( We switched his formula.. now he's having issues with pooping.. I've been giving him an ounce of apple juice a day to try and help, and it does, but usually takes 10-12 hours from the time he's had the juice.. I really thought the new sensitive formula was helping as he doesn't seem to be pulling his legs up nearly as much.. but, he still gets in these moods where he just cries and cries..
It's so hard.. because, when he's not in one of these moods, he's great.. he'll sleep!! So, 90% of the time whenever I've had company come over, he's content.. he sleeps in their arms! So, everyone keeps saying to me "Oh yea, he's "such a tough baby".." Or, they will say "Oh look at this screaming child" as he's peacefully sleeping.. ugh, it's making me feel so frustrated!!! It's like, YES he has his moments where he is nice and content, but he also has his moments where he will scream for HOURS..
Even DH.. I could have killed him yesterday.. he was working from home as we had someone come out and service our water softener system.. anyway, DS was great -- I did his overnight feeding, then he woke up at 8, DH fed him, and went back to sleep.. was back up around 10ish, I fed him, then we bathed him, then played a little, then back down for a nap -- slept for 3 hours in his crib! Woke in the afternoon, fed him, he was content, happy, playful, etc.. DH had the balls to say "Is he always this "difficult" during the days?".. or something along those lines.. something sarcastic.. because, he was great yesterday, and there have been many days DH comes home and I'm exhausted and frustrated and a mess from dealing with the devil side of DS.. ughhhhhhh.
It's just so frustrating.. it's like people act like I'm making this *** up.. And, I've said to them.. don't you think I ENJOY it when he's nice and content?! This is a BREAK for me!!!
And of course, this all plays on my emotions, too.. nothing like feeling like a failure Mom.. can't console her child.. screams for her, but is an "angel" for the rest of the world.. not to mention the guilt.. I feel guilty if he's screaming because he has a belly ache, and the belly ache is from the formula, and he's on formula because I failed with nursing.. bahhhhhh.. one. vicious. cycle.
Last night, I snapped.. I had a mini sob fest. It was 1am, DS was still WIDE awake, I was exhausted, he was screaming.. I had fed him, fed him more, and fed him even MORE.. nothing was helping.. he didn't want the pacifier, didn't want to walk around, didn't want to snuggle.. he just wanted to scream.. at one point, I just held him in my arms as he was screaming and I was just sobbing..
DH comes in (now, mind you he has to get up at 5:30am for work).. says "give me the baby - go to bed" in this frustrated tone.. like, I can't "handle DS" and so he had to get up and come intervene.. then he's yelling at me to just go to bed, I'm exhausted and crying and it's not helping.. bla bla bla...
And the whole time, I can hear DH mumbling things under his breath because it's after 1am, and he's up with the baby and he has to go to work, etc..
Talk about feeling like an utter failure. All day today, whenever DS cries (and, mind you, he's having one of those -- let's cry non-stop and fight taking any naps kind of days..) I just fill up with tears on my own..
I'm trying to chalk it up to hormones.. I'm trying to say this is normal, everyone feels like this.. but, godddddd does it suck..
On top of that.. I haven't been feeling well.. I'm trying to juggle DS, keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, etc.. and, we have a big house.. and a big dog, which means, cleaning is no 1 hour task.. it takes hours.. so I've been trying to juggle all these things (which, I'm well aware that every new Mom has to do this -- please don't rub that fact in).. but, it's tough.. and the past few days I've been really sore.. my incision has been oozing/scabbed over.. some days it's scabbed with dried blood.. now today, there's a small welt on one side of it.. ugh. I've had a massive migraine.. I only took pain meds the first few days of being home from the hospital, but I think I've taken the motrin almost every day this week at least once just to kick this migraine and take away the burning sensation I have in my incision.. I mention this to DH and he says "well, you're doing too much, call the doctor".. um, sure, let me call the doctor.. then I have to find time, and energy, to go over there.. and they'll just say "do less".. except, I can't do less because these are all the things that still NEED to be done..
And, in the 20 minutes it's taken me to write this post.. which, I chose to do instead of eat lunch or take a shower, sigh.. DS is already fussing again..
Tell me it gets easier. :(