Parenting after a Loss

late loss moms

I used to frequent this board but haven't been here for a long time.  I have a very good friend who found out yesterday morning at her 32 week appointment that her baby boy's heart was no longer beating.  I don't know anymore details than that because she texted the information - she's not ready to talk.  My loss was early - 10 weeks - and only about 5 people knew about it.  I know what helped me afterwards and what didn't help... but her situation is so drastically different that I don't know what to do for her.

 Anyone with late losses, can you tell me what helped you?  What things did friends do that were not helpful?  How do I talk to her?  Do I wait for her to come to me?  Do I text her daily just to let her know I am thinking about her - or is that too much?  I feel helpless.  She lives about 3 hours from me so I can't go over and help with her older son... I can't take a homecooked meal.  I am thinking of having a meal delivered to start.  But any suggestions would be wonderful.  TIA

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Re: late loss moms

  • If you go to the "loss" board, in the top right, there's a section for FAQ.


    BFP #1 via IUI ~ Luke (Fatal Birth Defect)
    BFP #2 via IUI ~ m/c
    BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ Corinne (2lb 3oz; HELLP)
    BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ Evan (8lb 11oz)

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  • image damabo80:
    If you go to the "loss" board, in the top right, there's a section for FAQ.

     

    Perfect.  Thanks so much!

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  • I think everybody handles these things differently.  I would send her a message maybe once, then wait maybe 2 weeks for a reply and try again - let her dictate what she needs.  Ask her if she wants to talk, prompt her to talk about the baby - ask questions like what was his/her name, etc.  I know I really wanted to talk about my baby - but no one else did.  I had a baby, but unlike when I had a live baby - this one was dead and it seemed like everyone just wanted to brush it under the rug.  No one knew what to say, so they didn't say anything and it broke my heart.  I had no one to share my grief with except my husband and even after a couple of weeks, even he rebounded so I felt very alone.  I met with one of my friends for lunch and we shared a bottle of wine - and when she told me she was sorry about my loss, she just sobbed - and it was so wonderful because it finally felt like someone else understood and was willing to share my sorrow.  I also had another friend that bought me a silver keepsake box with Ace's name and birth date on it.  I treasure that box so much, because it really was the only baby gift I received for him.  You are being a wonderful friend for being so thoughtful - best of luck!

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  • I agree, check the top of the loss board. Having a meal delivered is an excellent idea. If you can manage a visit in a few weeks, do it. Just be persistent in touching base w her even if you just send texts saying "thinking of you" or something. She may take a while to reach out but she'll know you're there.

    We had a lot of friends who say they wanted to "give us space" but then never came back around. I think they just couldn't deal w it. 

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  • I lost my daughter as an infant. She was born with heart defects and only lived for 26 days. Shortly after her death, I found this wonderful website. It's called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It's a website for sharing stories and advice among women who have lost children from early pregnancy to 2 years old I believe. The lady who started it suffered a stillbirth just a few months before I lost my own daughter. It also has links for family and friends on how to help. 

    http://facesofloss.com/ (main page)

    http://facesofloss.com/friends-family (guidance for family and friends)

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