3rd Trimester

Mother in Law Problems

My mother and law asked me a few months ago if she could be in the room with my hubby and I when we have the baby. I said no it would be umcomfortable for me. She said I am going to be in that room. I thought she was joking, so yesterday we were having a conversation and it came up, she said I cant wait to see the baby come out. I have no idea what else I can say to make her understand that she is not going to be in the room. Help me I do not want to hurt her feelings.
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Re: Mother in Law Problems

  • Can you tell her that the hospital only allow immediate family only during labor?
  • Have your husband tell her that you guys are serious about only him being in the room with you for the actual delivery.  Then make sure you tell the nurses on the day of.  They will ask her to leave when the time comes.

    The trouble with making something up like "the hospital only allows one person" is that she can easily find out that isn't true.  It's best not to lie.  Just continue to stand your ground and have the nurses aware of the situation.

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  • Your dh needs to talk to her.
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  • I probably could tell her that. But then the day of she would come and ask if she could come in. She is one of those people. Thanks for the advice, wish it would work on her.
  • you may have to be blunt with her and say it will be just you and DH.  or you can say only H is allowed in the room per the hospital so she doesnt get upset with you, but that could always backfire if she happens to call the hospital to check (some MIL are BSC like that)

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  • I think I will have him talk to her. That way I do not have to deal with it again. She is just so pushy Im afraid he will give in. Thank you
  • image codyallen12:
    I probably could tell her that. But then the day of she would come and ask if she could come in. She is one of those people. Thanks for the advice, wish it would work on her.

    I don't know about the hospital where you'll be giving birth, but at my labor and delivery tour the guide/nurse brought up this exact situation (someone wants to be in the room and you don't want them there) and she said to let them know, because it is part of their job to ensure that your delivery is minimum stress, and that includes getting people to leave the room if you don't want them there. So make sure you let everyone know that under no circumstances is there to be anyone else in the room during delivery than you and your husband.

    ETA: As far as telling her, you can mention again it will be you and your husband, but you've already told her once. It's not your job to keep reminding her of your wishes. Tell her, and then let the nurse handle it.

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  • image m3l0d1:
    Can you tell her that the hospital only allow immediate family only during labor?

    That advice always makes me roll my eyes.  Everyone is an adult in this situation, there's no need to lie.  AND if you start letting your MIL think you're spineless now, she's going to trample all over your parenting decisions when the baby arrives, as well.  You and your DH need to nip this - if it comes up again, you say "as we've talked about before, we think this is a moment for just the two of us to experience.  You'll meet the baby as soon as we're all ready for company."

    And if all else fails, you call security on the nut job.  Yikes. 

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  • In Law's are hard to deal with.  I would just tell her again and make sure that your husband is going to support you and back you up in this.  That would really pi** me off if she was just ignoring me.  Although, I have a loud mouth and don't have any problem telling people how I feel. 

    Are you able to be blunt with her, or are you kind of beating around the bush and beinig meek.   Your vagaina, your rules.

  • I'm sorry, but I think her feelings are going to have to be hurt.  You and/or your husband need to express to her that this is just not going to happen.  I think the truth is best--if it's true that the hospital limits the number allowed in and you're at that limit, that's a great reason, but if it isn't true she'll find out as pps said.  If it's that you want it to be just the two of you, tell her that.  Honestly, it's going to be harder to express to her if you have tons of other people planning to be there--but it's your birth and your comfort level.  She doesn't need to understand, but she needs to respect your wishes.

    I would segue the "you aren't going to be in the room" convo into making plans for her to come visit as soon as is feasible, so she knows that you care about her--you aren't trying to shut her out, just setting limits on who's in the room. 

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  • image danieliza1127:

    Have your husband tell her that you guys are serious about only him being in the room with you for the actual delivery.  Then make sure you tell the nurses on the day of.  They will ask her to leave when the time comes.

    The trouble with making something up like "the hospital only allows one person" is that she can easily find out that isn't true.  It's best not to lie.  Just continue to stand your ground and have the nurses aware of the situation.

    This. And I just have to say Wow to the number of posts I see where relatives try to insert themselves into the baby's birth. I really can't imagine anyone in either of our families insisting upon being there if we said no.

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  • image melody921:
    image danieliza1127:

    Have your husband tell her that you guys are serious about only him being in the room with you for the actual delivery.  Then make sure you tell the nurses on the day of.  They will ask her to leave when the time comes.

    The trouble with making something up like "the hospital only allows one person" is that she can easily find out that isn't true.  It's best not to lie.  Just continue to stand your ground and have the nurses aware of the situation.

    This. And I just have to say Wow to the number of posts I see where relatives try to insert themselves into the baby's birth. I really can't imagine anyone in either of our families insisting upon being there if we said no.

    Oh, deer, yes. These posts make me very grateful for my family, and my in-laws, who are all the "stay out of your business" types. The most my parents have insisted is that they want to be at the hospital when I deliver, and they would like to see her after that, although they don't care if that takes an hour or three. They're just excited.

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  • I think it's rude that she's pushing her way in. I think it's a very personal experience and you should be able to choose only who you feel comfortable with in the room with you. I would be telling my husband that it's his mother and he needs to deal with her. Can you delay calling her when you go to the hospital? I think you just need to keep being firm and telling her that you do not want anyone other than your husband in the room with you. I'd also maybe give the nurses a heads up and tell them the situation and they'll probably make sure that your wishes are followed.
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  • kjskjskjskjs
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    I would definitely have your hubby talk to her and explain that it will just be the two of you and that she can wait in the waiting room or wherever yall are comfortable with. Worse case senario you just don't call her and tell her you're in labor, you call and say the baby is here.
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  • I'd blame the hospital's policy and tell her you checked and they only allow DH in there, or, when the day comes, make sure the nurses know that no one else is allowed. I'm only advising this because it sounds like she's not listening to your requests and I think it will avoid hurt feelings as it will be "out of your control". If she were more reasonable, I'd have DH talk to her instead...
  • I would be pissed too.  You shouldn't have to deal with making anything up or having to tell the nurses, but it sounds like that may be the best option, just talking to her, and if she tries to come anyway make sure the nurses know.  I explained to my mom I wanted it to be just my husband and I in the room for the second one.  She wants to be in there with a video camera!  But she understood when I talked to her about it.
  • Stand up for yourself and tell her it isnt an option.  You will be happy to call her after the delivery.

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  • image codyallen12:
    I probably could tell her that. But then the day of she would come and ask if she could come in. She is one of those people. Thanks for the advice, wish it would work on her.

    Have your DH tell her no. Tell the nurses, when you get to the hospital that your MIL may show up and that she is not allowed in under any circumstances. Don't tell her when you go into labor. 

  • image themodscientist:

    ETA: As far as telling her, you can mention again it will be you and your husband, but you've already told her once. It's not your job to keep reminding her of your wishes. Tell her, and then let the nurse handle it.

    I agree with this completely.  You've told her no...a reminder might be nice, but it isn't your job to make sure she "understands" your wishes. 

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  • image judahsmommy1:

    image codyallen12:
    I probably could tell her that. But then the day of she would come and ask if she could come in. She is one of those people. Thanks for the advice, wish it would work on her.

    Have your DH tell her no. Tell the nurses, when you get to the hospital that your MIL may show up and that she is not allowed in under any circumstances. Don't tell her when you go into labor. 

    This.  I also wouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings.  She's acting crazy and needs to get over it.

  • Personally, I wouldn't worry about it. When I had #1 they specifically asked me who I wanted in the room and those were the only ones the hospital would permit. Just make it clear when you are admitted.

    It wouldn't hurt to have your husband put a bird in her ear that you want it to just be you and your husband. Make sure however you make it clear that you do however want her to be involved in your families life, just not when your giving birth!

  • Just stand up now to her!  Believe you me, you do not want this to be hanging in the air for the remainder of your pregnancy.  Just put your foot down and be open.  It might be easier than you think.  I'm making it clear that I prefer to not even have guests while I'm in the hospital.  My MIL sounds very much like yours.
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  • Just a thought, but why does she even need to know when you have gone into labour? I just mean, my hubby and I aren't really going to tell anyone until we actually have the baby. No point in my parents and his parents worrying for however long it takes to happen. Maybe I'm just being selfish?? But I agree with the others, your hubby will have to have a conversation with her. I'm lucky, our hospital only allows one person and a doula if you have one.
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  • I think a three-fold plan might be nice:

    1) have DH reiterate the plan (or you tell her one final time)- either way, be nice and firm- we're having this baby together; we'll call you when it's visiting time; the end.

    2) let the nurses know that she's not welcome for the actual birth

    3) don't tell her when you're headed to the hospital (unless there's a reason she needs to know).

    Will her feelings be hurt? Maybe, but since you've already told her your wishes and she's ignoring them, I sorta feel like hurt feelings are okay, YKWIM?

    It seems like she just wants to be a part of it really badly; if you're comfortable with her playing a different role, then let her know. Maybe she'll be the first visitor (or whatever you choose) and that might be enough. But I agree with the PPs that mentioned that you don't want to start off the baby's life with your MIL calling the shots despite your wishes. 

     

     


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  • Make sure the hospital knows and enforces it in a kind way. I totally understand. I hope your DH supports you too. That's really important.
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  • i would have my husband tell his mother and if she gets pushy say this, "Mom, this is my time, and my special moment with my child. Not your time, or your child. Sorry it hurts your feelings, but you are hurting mine by insisting you be there."

    She can wait in the waiting room with the rest of them.

     Seriously who wants to stare at their daughter in law's vagina??? creepy.

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  • jw87jw87 member
    image codyallen12:
    I probably could tell her that. But then the day of she would come and ask if she could come in. She is one of those people. Thanks for the advice, wish it would work on her.

    You can easily tell the hospital staff you do not want her anywhere near you.  They will keep her out! 
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  • Don't let her in the room. End of story.

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  • Don't walk on egg shells with her.  Tell her "No".  You don't have to even tell her your in labor, let her know once the baby is already born.  Have your husband or boyfriend also get involved and have him tell his mother to back off and respect your wishes. 

    I always see these posts of the woman always being the one to carry the burden of dealing with the MIL....where the hell is the husband?  He needs to get involved and stand up to HIS mother.

  • I've never even brought it up and it's funny people just assume they can be there. I'm not calling anyone until baby is born. Problem solved! 
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