February 2013 Moms

Confession...ashamed about this

Okay, here is my confession...I don't like being pregnant.  I never planned on being pregnant, I never had the pregnancy itch, and I am really not enjoying being pregant.  I know this is bad, I know there are so many women out there who want to be in my shoes and I feel awful about it.  I am not even sure I like babies.  I dont' dislike them, but I am very glad when they go home.  I adore kids...once they hit age 2 or 3, I am all good.

Please understand, because of previous medical conditions husband and I were told there is basically no way you are going to have biological children, unless you go through IVF.  We accepted this, and while we kept having sex and didn't use protection (why bother if pregnancy was a no go) we were okay with it.  We actually had just started the adoption process and were thrilled.  We knew it would be a wait but we were going to adopt a toddler.  We were so excited to start the process that would bring home our child. 

Now we are pregnant.  Everyone keeps saying, how exciting it is to feel the life growing inside of you.  I am just sick.  I am afraid I will never have a body again, and even before I had a kid I had to exercise a minimum of 60 minutes a day and eat no more than 1200 calories a day just to stay at 160 lbs.  Will I ever look good after having a baby?  I am really selfish when it comes to the way I look because I have been judged by it for so long (everyone else in my family is skinny and gorgeous, I have always been the fat one).  I don't really want to breast feed even though I know it is better for the baby, the only reason I am considering it is that it is cheaper and that it helps you loose weight. 

I know this is awful.  I should be excited, I should be happy to be pregnant.  I know this is a miracle baby, I know we are blessed, I am so excited to have a child.  Just in 2 - 3 years.  It's just that us being pregnant has already created issues.  DH side of the family wants us to play down the whole pregnant thing, because it hurt SIL feelings because they are TTC and we got pregnant first when we weren't supposed to.  So we have been asked not to acknowledge the pregnancy on that side.  My side of the family is so excited and my mom who had 4 kids and loved being pregnant is already sewing pregnancy clothes. I don't want that much attention.  I dont' want people looking at me.  Am I such a horrible person?  I have a SIL who would give anything to be pregant, and all I wanted was to adopt a toddler.  I feel horribly horribly guilty for not reacting the way a woman is supposed to.


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Re: Confession...ashamed about this

  • The first trimester sucks.  I hate it too.

    Second trimester gets better.  I promise.  You'll have tons of energy and you'll feel amazing.

    And you can definitely get your body back.  One baby is easy to bounce back from.  I looked just like my old self even after #2 (in fact I was even thinner after #2).  It's when you start having more than that and then your body has a hard time bouncing back.

    Give it some time.  This was a surprise and it just needs to sink in.  It will get better - just wait until you feel that baby moving around inside of you.

        
  • Thank you.  I guess I just feel like a horrible person.  Maybe when I am not throwing up everything I eat it will be better.  I just feel like my whole life plan was turned upside down.

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  • LorMorLorMor
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    Lurker here...

    You are not a bad person for feeling this way. For a start, you are able to acknowledge and articulate your feelings, which is great.

    Being pregnant when you were told it would never happen is a lot to process, and you are probably still getting used to the idea.

    My advice would be to not tell many people until you feel ready to deal with their reactions: chances are people will be excited for you, and you probably won't want to explain to them that you're not excited or happy about it. So, give yourself time to get used to the idea. At this stage, apart from your scheduled OB appointments, there is nothing you need to do about being pregnant, so just carry on as normal, as much as you can, and give yourself time.

    You don't need to make breastfeeding decisions now.

    Try to keep as healthy as possible - you don't need to eat much more than you would normally, and if you can exercise, do.

    Also, kick your MIL in the knees - she's a ***. 

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  • image Lilgonks:
    Maybe when I am not throwing up everything I eat it will be better. 

    It will!  It's hard to be happy when you feel like this.  Even some people who enjoy babies and pregnancy wonder what they were thinking and start questioning whether or not they want to be pregnant when they are that sick.  It's normal and doesn't make you a terrible person at all.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

        
  • I think it's perfectly acceptable to hate being pregnant.  We planned this and this time around I'm definitely thinking no.more.kids. after this.  I'm sick all the time and I feel like crap.  You can complain here!  I just wouldn't complain too much in real life around your friends. :)  I agree with pp.  It does get better.  I remember liking it more when the baby was bigger and I could feel him move around and first trimester was over.  Towards the end, it gets worse again, but then the baby is here and you are so happy!  Right now, it sucks.

     

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  • It's a big change and everyone reacts differently. Just give it time...it might be the first time you feel the baby move, the first ultrasound when LO looks like a baby instead of a bean, when you first hold your LO, or it might not even be until you've brought your baby into your home, but I am betting it will hit you at some point. I spent one morning the week after we brought DD home sobbing because I felt like my life was over (even though I loved her already). A lot of that was hormones, but each woman has to come to the realization of what a "game changer" having a baby is. Now that I know DD and have watched her grow from infant to toddler, I know that my life is not "over" but instead it has improved in ways that I never imagined! Be patient, and don't be so hard on yourself.
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    "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:26-27&33-34
  • I think that it's perfectly normal not to feel a connection with the baby at this stage. Especially when all your feeling is sick and tired. I hope you'll feel better once 2nd tri hits and you have more energy, and maybe you'll start to build a connection once that little life inside you starts moving around and you can feel it! Even if that doesn't happen, its perfectly normal to feel disconnected. I hope that when you have that LO in your arms come February, you will be filled with so much love, that you won't have room to feel worried about your body image, just think about what it has done over the past 9 months! I've worried about how my body will bounce back too, don't feel guilty for it. I Just try to concentrate on ways that I can be healthy now, to help my body be able to bounce back after the baby is hear. Try not to beat yourself up for the feelings you have. 
  • When DH and I got married we weren't sure we wanted children .. we like our lifestyle and kinda just do what we want when we want  ...  Once I started to get the itch about babies, I also had the fear that I wouldn't love the baby ..  I like other children but not for long .. I like it when they go home ..(sorry) .. Now all i have heard is that its different when its your own child and a dear friend told me that when and if we ever had a baby that its an indescribable  love that happens when that baby is born and it feels as tho you grow a new heart ... well I hope and pray all this is true ..  Im excited, but nervous and I know I haven't let myself get too involved emotionally  .. I think your feelings are normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about it .. 
               5 years IF & 2 losses

            ~~ DS Born 2/28/2013 ~~
                8lb 13 oz 22 inches 
    Happily expecting another miracle !
     EDD 11/20



  • I had a friend who felt this way about her first pregnancy. She was pissed. She resented being pregnant every day. She ate well and did what she could to keep her and her baby safe and healthy, but she was not happy. Until her little guy was born. I went to visit her when she was released, and she said it was like everything in her life just shifted. They have two little boys now. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Just be careful who you say it to, so you don't offend some one who may be trying or unable to have a baby. Otherwise, your feelings are your feelings. I promise it will all change once your baby gets here. That doesn't mean you have to be in love with the idea from the start.
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  • I also wanted to add that my friend was also very concerned about her body. She said she was planning in breastfeeding but just because she wanted to burn the extra calories. She got her figure back right away. She continued to follow her diet and an exercise routine through her entire pregnancy. That helped her bounce right back (from a c-section), and she was back to running within a couple of months. So your figure is definitely not a lost cause.
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  • Hey lady. 

    I already have two girls. I was only 120lbs before I had them. Now my "manageable weight" (i.e. on a 1800 cal/day diet w/moderate walking daily) just a couple of months ago was in the low 170s.

    A month ago, I found out I'm having TWO more babies. Not only will I be gaining more weight because they want me to go up to 2500cal/day and decrease my walking next trimester, but I'll  have my abdominal muscles stretched to their limits, and I may very well end up having a Csection and missing out on a lot of postpartum exercise. While I am excited at the prospect of twins and having double the chances of maybe having a son, I am terrified of the complications, the changes to my body, and honestly, this pregnancy feels like it is going to last *forever*. I'm 2 months through it, and the last month has been the longest one of my life.

    Hang in there! 

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    *Spontaneous* OHSS diagnosed 08.06.2012
    Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
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  • When I was pregnant with DD, I remember there were several times thinking, what the h*ll have we done, we are ruining our lives (she was definitely planned)  I remember babysitting my nephew when I was about 6 months along, and I broke down bawling thinking how our lives were over.....

     

    I btw, do not like other peoples child. period.  I do love my niece and nephews, but they don't count, lol.  I have never been a baby person, never really desired to hold babies.

    I adore DD and have from the start.  It is so much different when it is your child.  Even once she was born, I am not going to say it was always sunshine and roses, newborns are a LOT of hard work.  But now, she is hysterical and so much fun to be around.  Don't get me wrong, she can be moody and misbehave (which usually still makes me laugh)

     

    And being pregnant can be miserable.  You are tired, sick and never feel well.  Plus, you are getting huge.  I think after this baby, my stress marks may reach my now sagging breasts (which will be lifted once I am done having children)  But DD is worth it.  

     

    Try not to be hard on yourself, your feelings are natural, even if the baby was planned!

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  • I don't really like being pregnant either. I don't feel very good, I'm exhausted, I'm getting fat, etc.

    You will and can get your body back. I got into better shape after DD was born than I had been in years.

    I didn't particularly like children very much before my DD was born. When you see that baby for the first time, everything changes. It's amazing the amount of love you can have for a person. It really brings a lot of things into perspective.

    It will be ok..and it will be worth it!
  • I understand. I'm in your boat. This baby wasn't planned - we finally got to the easy and fun toddler stage with my son and I realized I wanted and needed more time before I started from the beginning again. I won't sugar coat it - the first year IS hard. It's amazing and wonderful, but was absolutely the hardest year of my life. 

    I have two friends who have been trying for their first baby for years now and I constantly think "why didn't God give this baby to them?" I feel beyond guilty just about everyday.

    I will say as you get further along, things will get more exciting and you won't feel so crappy. I know things will get better for you, it's just a rough start.

    And you'll be shocked at how fast your body will go back, especially if you breastfeed. I was wearing a size smaller than my pre-pregnancy size in months.

     Hang in there and get your feelings out - it's totally normal to feel the way you do. Hugs :) 

  • emd886emd886
    100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    I have "the itch" My husband and I are so ready to start a family and can't wait for the baby to get here.

    So far....I hate being pregnant. I'm tired, I throw up all the time and for some reason my tailbone hurts all the time!

    Going from adopting to "you're pregnant" would be a huge mind blow. It would definitely take time to get used to.  Your SIL's attempt to get pregnant has nothing to do with your pregnancy. I certainly wouldn't make any complaints around her though.

    You're not a terrible person. You're human and you've been thrown for quite a loop. They say the 2nd trimester is a lot better. Once you stop throwing up and start to get some energy....and see the belly growing and see the baby. It will probably hit you. I wouldnt worry about how you feel about other peoples babies either. I think it'll be very different with our own. = ) So stop beating yourself up about everything and take a nap

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  • THank you Thank you Thank you.  For the encouragement and support.  I will be careful who I say what around, I am also glad I am not the only one out there who has had some of these worries or concerns. 

    I think some of this is wrapping my brain around it all.  My husband and I still plan on adopting...some day, our timeline for that has just been pushed back.  I think that was maybe part of it.  I was so excited to adopt.  I always have been.  Even when I was a kid I would tell people how I wanted to adopt.  And when I got pregnant well...it changed a lot of things. 

    I guess there is a reason we get 9 months of being pregnant...so we can start adapting to some of the changes.


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  • Great words from lots of supportive mamas here. One more from me - FWIW, I don't like kids all that much at all. I love my own kid, but others - meh. I'm glad they go home to someone else. (((hugs)))
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  • I think your feelings are perfectly normal and you should not be ashamed. Lots of people feel just like you do.  I was worried if my body would go back to the way it was (I actually lost more weight after my first pg).  And I felt the same way about children that you are describing - you will feel differently about your own child, I promise!
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  • I don't like other peoples kids either. For a long time I thought I didn't want kids of my own, but that changed when I fell in love with DH. Everyone says it's different with your own kids and I do believe that in the 9 months of pregnancy, you will learn to love your LO and will be so excited to meet him/her!
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    BFP #3: 8/27/14; EDD 5/4/15
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  • Great advice ladies.  This was a very planned out pregnacy and I have those what the hell have I done moments as well.  Thanks for bringing up the topic.

     

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  • I felt the same way when I found out I was preggo. I had to fight back tears ALL day. I couldn't even think about it without wanting to cry. My husband and I were devastated. I felt sooo guilty. Why could't I just be happy? What's wrong with me? But, then things started to change. I can't explain it. It happened sometime between 8-9 weeks. I just started feeling different about it and even a little excited. I think that a lot of it had to do with me realizing that I had to let go of control. At about 9.5 weeks I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time and it was such an amazing moment that I will never be the same. So, I guess I'm saying that hopefully things will get better. 
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  • SagenSagen
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    I had the same situation as another poster IRT bouncing back from baby. After I had my first I was smaller, and had a flat as heck stomache. I bounced right back after #2. #3 just did me in, not in a horrible way, but my stomache has never been flat, and I have never gotten that last 10lbs off no matter what. I wouldn't worry about that part at all, and I would nurse if your worried about it. I am sure you will bond more with the baby when you can relate to him/her in some way. Right now your just sick, and have a few other symptoms, but no fun ones! It will get better, and I think once you see the baby you will fall head over heals.

    Mom to 4 cute kids, 10 y/o girl, 8, 6, and 1.5 y/o boys
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  • You have a lot of guts to admit what you are feeling. It's a shock to think you can't have kids to end up pregnant. You've got a lot of ladies here that will support you! For what its worth, this baby was planned and there are still times I lay in bed and cry thinking "omg what did I do!?!?". Plus I can't stand other peoples kids. They drive me nuts. I love my kiddo though. I hope that this gets easier for you!
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  • image Lilgonks:

    THank you Thank you Thank you.  For the encouragement and support.  I will be careful who I say what around, I am also glad I am not the only one out there who has had some of these worries or concerns. 

    I think some of this is wrapping my brain around it all.  My husband and I still plan on adopting...some day, our timeline for that has just been pushed back.  I think that was maybe part of it.  I was so excited to adopt.  I always have been.  Even when I was a kid I would tell people how I wanted to adopt.  And when I got pregnant well...it changed a lot of things. 

    I guess there is a reason we get 9 months of being pregnant...so we can start adapting to some of the changes.

    For what it's worth, my husband and I are in the middle of getting licensed as a foster home to do foster care or foster-to-adopt for ages 0-4 and we are staying the course.  I just spent tonight picking out things for a gender neutral foster room :)   We could have a placement by early fall.  Originally DSS told us they did not care if we tried again for biological children and that we could manage our family how we wanted.  I will be interested to get their reaction next week when we have our next meeting now that it is a reality.  If we do not have a placement by Christmas, we are going to tell them we will do respite care for other families until the baby comes and then go back on the call list.  Some may think we are certifiable, but we feel very led to this and are both on the same page with regards to moving forward on all fronts.

    Both sets of our parents are nearby and are going to have home inspections/background checks as well so that the child could stay with them overnight if needed.  I believe we could have also requested this for close friends or other family if parents were not around, but I am not positive. 

    Anyway, just wanted to encourage you that you might not have to back burner it as long as you think.  You are welcome to join us in the crazy boat :) 

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • Jut hang in there. 1st tri is a rollercoaster of stress. I wanted to get PG each time but especially with my first I think I totally went into shock and was not excited at first.

    Having a baby is scary. The changes in your body are scary. Sometimes the first few months of baby's life are scary. But a year from now you will be DROWNING in a kind of love that is more than you ever thought possible.

    I honestly didn't think I'd survive the newborn period. I was exhausted, I didn't feel that connected with DD, and I often wondered if we had made a mistake. Now she's a year and half old and I love her until it hurts. She's my favorite person in the whole wide world and being her mom is the most amazing experience of my life.

    Hang in there and let yourself feel what you feel without guilt.

    FWIW my body went almost back to normal with minimal effort. A little willpower and weight training and I could have been better than ever, but I just didn't put in the work. PG is not always a body buster, especially if you were exercising beforehand.

  • Fear not - you are *not* weird. Not everyone is a 'baby' person - I certainly am not. I hated both being pregnant and having an infant before; I really didn't enjoy being a parent until my son could speak and express an interest in things.  I still have zero interest in other people's babies, don't want to hold them, really, don't want to be around them.  Some people love that stage, I just see it as something to slog through - but I know now it gets much better later.

    Part of why I loathed the infant stage so much was that breastfeeding was a total nightmare - it never stopped hurting, DS would never take a bottle, we spent thousands of dollars on lactation consultants and equipment - it was pure hell.  On top of that, I couldn't lose any weight at all until I weaned - nearly a year later. I'm hoping that not doing that again makes that part a little easier.

    And as far as fitness, don't worry about that either - I was overweight and out of shape before getting PG with my first nearly 8 years ago, but after I could finally wean, I got serious about eating well and running - I was in the best shape of my life (at 37) just before I found out about this pregnancy.  I'm planning to keep running and lifting weights throughout and expect that I'll bounce back in good time - I won't worry about it this time, as I know I could do it before - so you can, too!

  • jmlindjmlind
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
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    Yesterday I cried for about an hour - and I *have* been trying to get pregnant for quite some time - about how my body is going to change and my career might suffer. I just don't want my life to change...

    I'm no expert but it's 100% normal to feel how you're feeling - a baby is a huge change, especially if you weren't expecting it. Who cares if others can't get pregnant, or your SIL is having trouble? You are you and you feel the way you feel, don't apologize for it, don't be upset about it, just feel it and work with it.

     Fortunately pregnancy is long and we have a few months to get used to it. And I am totally more inclined toward breast feeding now that I know it helps you lose weight.

    Oh - and your MIL is... well, that's cruel.

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