Babies: 6 - 9 Months

is anyone else hating their spouse since LO was born?

we hardly ever fought until our twins were born, they are our first and probably last children. since they were born we seem to hate each other more and more, we fight over everything. we love our babies I wouldnt trade them for the world but Im ready to call it quits some days with my husband! I really dont want to ruin a good home life for the boys and Im currently a SAHM so if we were to split up I'd have to work and use daycare which I really dont want to do. He says its teh stress of babies and it will get better but Im losing interest in it even getting better between us lately. anyone else have their relationship take a nose dive since LO was born?? so many people say its normal and it will change when they get older but I just don't see it getting better. we dont even kiss each other hello anymore there is zero intimacy or affection. what to do , what to do....
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Re: is anyone else hating their spouse since LO was born?

  • Go to counseling. If your DH won't go with you, go on your own.

     

    We had adjustment issues in the beginning. I also had horrible PPD that took a toll on our relationship. I got treated for PPD and we went to couples counseling once and now we are better than ever. 

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  • Life's certainly been harder, but I wouldn't say I hate my husband.  Then again, we only have one new baby to adapt to, not two!

    I remember hearing someone say not to make a decision about marriage/divorce within one year of having children.  (I'd beg to differ - obviously if your h is abusive, absentee, etc., then you should call it quits).  You're going through so many changes right now - both in what normal life looks like and in your physical body with hormones still changing - that you don't want to make a hasty decision.

    That being said, what's eating you?  Are there things that could be done to alleviate some of your stressers?  We just hired a mother's helper for 5 hours a week.  It's been life-changing for me to have that help, and we don't know why we didn't get a helper earlier.  Side-bonus: we now have a trusted baby sitter for date nights.  We're working on getting into the habit of doing one date night a week, and that's really nice, too.  Do you need more sleep?  I've been super cranky just because I'm tired.  My husband started taking over one weekend night and - again - it's been life changing.  I can see how STTN on a semi-regular basis would do wonders for our relationship.  Again, I don't know how you can do it with twins!

    Finally, maybe you should work on the intimacy.  I know my libido is still way low (I really hope it comes back after breastfeeding is over... and I start to get more sleep).  I literally remind myself to hug and kiss my husband.  He's much happier with it, and it's helping me get back into the habit of being intimate with him.  I also find that I'm much more into doing things if I've planned it out in my head (e.g., "I'll get dishes done during nap 1 so that I can focus on lovin' during nap 2").  No, it's not super romantic, but it's better than no lovin' at all.  It also helps that we can now tell each other our plan (he also is strategic about when lovin' will happen), that way no one's getting turned down when we do make the effort to be intimate. 

    Good luck! 

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  • No twins but a baby and a toddler that was in behavior therapy for being "highly sensory seeking" aka bouncing off the walls all.day.long.

    I'm not hating DH, but the intimacy is not there....at all. 

    DS 8/29/09 (3yo) DD 11/29/11 (8mo)
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  • A few different thoughts:

    1) What are you fighting about? is it small stuff like leaving socks on the floor or is it big issue stuff like finances, and how to raise the kids. Either way counselling could really help you clear the air, and communicate effectively on the real issues.

    2) It is really tiring looking after babies, and it can be hard to find the energy to bond with your spouse. But...make yourself. I'm not saying have sex if you're not up for it, but do continue affection. Kiss, hug, snuggle on the couch. Me and my husband drifted a little after DD2 and by making ourselves have a real kiss at least once a day, it's really kept things going. We don't have sex often, at the moment, but it's like a promise and a reminder of how things were.

    3) Do you get some time to yourself? I feel like a brand new person, and am much more generous towards DH when I get just a short chunk of time to do my own thing. So if it's not a regular part of your day/week then look at ways to get your own time, even if it's just a 20minute walk.

    4) Only you know if things are really divorce worthy, but I personally would not choose to walk away from a previously very happy relationship in the middle of a sleep deprived/life altering event such as young babies. 

    Having said that, I don't think raising children in an unhappy home does anyone any favours. 

    Could someone mind the babies for you for a day or weekend to allow you and Dh to have some time to hash out the issues and reconnect? 

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  • I had this problem. Try talking to someone other than your husband who will be honest with you and give you advice. Not someone who will just sympathize. I had a long conversation with my mom and she could def relate to being a new mom/feeling freedomless and wanting your husband around more. The more I tried to box him into spending time with me and the baby, the more we fought. I am trying to learn to be happy on my own now/ not trying to control the equality of the baby duties. Eg. just going out for a drink and telling him I'll be back later/ will he watch the baby but then also not freaking out when he plays computer games for 2 hours after the baby goes to bed. The more I take a step back from reigning him in and trying to find friendship/support outside of him, the better we are getting along. But I don't know what your situation is.
  • jb2rnjb2rn
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    Our situation is not that bad, but I struggle with some resentment.

    We live in Germany (dh is military) and I am a new SAHM. So adjusting to that, having all my family and friends be so far away, the weather is depressing here, and my dh works 12 hour days...yep, things having gotten tough.

    I also would suggest getting some help, if it's in your budget. Two babies is hard. Is there anyway you can get a night out? Any family nearby?

    If you feel like giving up, then you do need counseling. I am sure you are sleep deprived and overwhelmed and I think some of your feelings are natural, but don't make a big decision like divorce just yet.

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  • I wouldn't say hate by any means....but it's been a tough adjustment.

     

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  • I have been dealing with a lot of resentment towards my husband.  I think it stems from the fact that I am a SAHM and he gets to leave for work everyday and interaction with adults.  We do fight a lot more since our twins were born, but it is mostly financial stuff because money is tight with me not working.  Also our intimacy has gone down the tube.  We weren't allowed to have sex for the majority of my pregnancy so after the twins were born I was almost afraid to do it again.  Besides the sex drive not being there for me, the other intimacy stuff has vanished.  We both need to work on it and we do try but it's just hard with two babies.  I would really recommend talking to someone as a couple.  Like pp said your life has been so dramatically changed since your babies were born.  Talking to someone who is 100% removed from the situation would probably help a lot to work out the issues that can be resolved.  I know it's hard.  I feel like walking away at times too, but you have to just keep going and working at it.
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  • I used to 'hate' him and I thought about walking away too. I use the term 'hate' pretty loosely here because we had a very loving and fun relationship for 9 years before LO came along so I was always love him....but things got hard!

    I couldn't even look at him, didn't want to touch him or him to touch me...and the sex! I gave in to him so he would shut up about it...but my mind was totally going over the next days schedule with DS everytime!

    It has very recently gotten a lot better! The main reason: I have just finished breastfeeding and now LO can stay with other people for a few hours and overnight! MAJOR LIFE CHANGING!

    If you really can't imagine your life without him and can remember fondly what it used to be like, I would say re-focus and spend some time together. The best advice I ever got from my mother was - Always put your relationship with your husband before your children. A happy marriage makes for a happy family and a happy childhood!

    On the other hand, if you really want out and just don't care anymore, maybe it's just time. But I wouldn't give up without a fight! Never! 

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  • Don't feel bad. About a month or two ago I was ready to divorce. I felt I did not get enough support, appreciation and respect from him and everything he did bugged me. I figured I would wait a bit to see if it was hormonal or not. It got better but not perfect so I decided to talk to him about it. He had no idea and thought we were doing ok relationship-wise for new parents. We still disagree on stuff but it is much better since we had that talk. 

     BTW DH hates going out so no date nights for us. Although he did a bond fire for the 2 of us last week after the baby was asleep. 

     I read this quote on facebook and it inspired me to accept him as he is. Because he didn't change. Our situation changed and now we need to adapt to it together.

    ?He?s not perfect. You aren?t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn?t going to quote poetry, he?s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don?t hurt him, don?t change him, and don?t expect for more than he can give. Don?t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he?s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don?t exist, but there?s always one guy that is perfect for you. -Bob Marley?  

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  • The 1st 3 months DH and I were CONSTANTLY bickering, to the point where I couldn't stand him too and was so upset especially because we just had twins together. We ended up going to therapy and it REALLY did help. PLUS now that our girls sleep through the night we have been getting back to our normal selves. I really think, especially with twins the lack of sleep made us so crabby and just not ourselves. I really recommend talking with someone. Also, do you get a chance to get out of the house together on dates? Once we started doing that it really helped us too. We make it a must to get out, even if just to lunch atleast once a week...otherwise we'd loose our minds.
    *Our Miracle Twins thanks to IVF are here!*
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    Born at 32 weeks 5 days
    December 22nd, 2011


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  • I think you need to go to counseling.  You owe it to yourself, DH, and babies to exhaust every avenue to reconcile before calling it quits.  If after counseling, and maybe the twins getting a little older you still want to divorce, at least you can say you tried everything...and maybe even come to an amicable conclusion.  No need to end it nasty.  Kids would rather be with their parents happy...be it together or apart.

    Maybe make an effort to say something nice to him...give him a hug or kiss.  Maybe you don't want to, but maybe it's what you need to do, be the bigger person, and get a dialogue going. By doing it you may even convince yourself. I can't imagine how hard it is with twins, but my husband's cousin/BFF had twins and I know it was rough for them, they made friends with other people with twins, and I think it helped them out to talk with people going through it too.  Their twins are older, and it's a noticeable (positive) change between them now that they're not keeping tabs on who's turn it is to do what.  

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  • If you were previously happy then I'd definitely try counseling before calling it quits.

    Having the twins has definitely been a tough adjustment, but we're lucky and have a ton of family close by who will babysit any time.  We both work so our time with the girls and each other is limited, but most Sundays we'll drop the girls off with my MIL for a couple of hours and H and I will grab lunch and go grocery shopping and run whatever other errands we have.  We both love to go to the movies, so a lot of Saturdays we'll go to my IL's, get the girls fed, bathed, and to sleep, and then we'll go to dinner and a late movie with our friends.  That allows us to spend the whole day Saturday with the girls while they're awake, and then go out after they're asleep.  Probably 2-3 times a month one of my girlfriends will come over while we get the girls fed and put to sleep and once they're out I'll go to dinner with my friend.  That allows me to keep some sanity.

    I'm a person who loves to be on the go and out a lot, so being tied to the house so much has been a big adjustment for me.  Once we figured out how to fit going out into our busy schedule and still get as much time with the girls as possible things got easier.  As the girls have gotten older things have also started getting easier.  I hope that in the next few months we'll be able to cut out their nighttime feeding and then life will get TONS easier.  I also wouldn't call H a "help" with the girls - he's a completely equal partner in parenting and he even does the middle of the night feeding most nights on his own since I get up really early to take them to daycare.  

    Definitely try counseling, but also make a list of everything that is a problem and try to find a solution.  Let your H know what you need from him.  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you have people around willing to help. Good luck!

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  • Yes, I can definitely related!  In the early months after DD was born we fought like never before and created a grand cayon between us.  He did a lot of things that I resented.  Now, a lot of those things have been fixed but we never resolved the resentment so I continue to carry it around. I am positive things will not get better until we resolve some of that resentment -- which fingers crossed will be accomplished in the couples counseling we started just last week.  But, I am also positive if it isn't resolved, we won't survive.  So I guess only time will tell.  Good luck with what you decide to do, but know you are not alone!
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