Blended Families

Inlaws and BM

I want your opions on the relationship my in laws have with BM.  She calls them all the times. When she disagrees with DH she calls his mom or grandmother and they take her side, on everything. They bad mouth DH with her, we know because she always says "well your mother ever said this or that". And, the last time they had a disagreement DH's mother even texted me to "talk some sense" into him. Am I wrong to think it is completely out of line for DHs  own family to never back him on anything he does?

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Re: Inlaws and BM

  • I think it's completely out of line and shows a severe lack of boundaries on BM's part as well as your IL's part.  BM shouldn't be contacting your IL's about disputes with your husband.  If she wants to text/email photos of the kids, that's one thing.  But to call Mommy everytime BM disagrees with your husband is out of line.  And for your IL's to humor BM's "tattling" is just plain wrong.  They need to stay out of it. 

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  • WahooWahoo
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    What happens when they take her side?  Do they phone / text your H?  Scold him?  What happens when BM says "well, your mom agrees with me?"  Your DH should say "I am a grown man - I no longer seek mommy's approval for every last thing I do." 

    You are wrong only in caring what they think one way or another.  I suppose they are allowed to have their own opinions, but if they tell your DH what to do, he only needs to say "this is not your concern."

    If they keep it up, I would tell dh's mom and grandmom if they are so close to BM, they can see SS/SD on her time, because he will not be bringing her over to visit with them.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • BM and MIL used to have a relationship like this.  MIL would just "smile & nod" whenever BM had a tantrum because BM was giving MIL extra time with SD and MIL didn't want to upset that relationship.  to the point that she wouldn't even stand up for her only child!

    I don't even think DH knew about it, until I witnessed it first hand one day and told him about it. the BM/ MIL relationship deteriorated pretty quickly after that, and I don't even think they have spoken in over a year. 

    anyway, your DH needs to grow some balls and approach his mom about it.  she needs to set the boundaries with BM.  DH can also approach BM and tell him to stop calling his mom to complain about him.

    honestly, not much YOU can do about it, it has to come from DH...

                           
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  • There are some boundary issues for sure.

    But without knowing what YH does, it's hard for me to say how terribly wrong it is.

    I could make some scenarios that would have me calling my xMIL, and telling her to talk to her son.

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  • He has talked with all parties and it continues to happen. And when she calls, his mom will take up for her and reprimand him. For instance the last time it happened, dh put his foot down about the co and told bm he would not take sd back because co states he gets her and bm picks her up she call dh moms and she called him and told him he was being ridiculous and he should take her back. Than she texted me saying how sd was going to hate him one day for what he is doing. It breaks my heart. He his keeps getting walked over by everyone. He stands up for himself and he is wrong.
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  • This would be like if you talked to MIL every time you and DH had a fight and tattling on him. There are things that should just be private between two adults without running to the other's mommy. This shouldn't be your issue, it's your DH That needs to address this with his mom and BM. If MIL tells you to tell DH something, tell her it's between BM and DH and those are the only ones that should be involved in the first place.

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  • image MrsHamilton2b:
    He has talked with all parties and it continues to happen. And when she calls, his mom will take up for her and reprimand him. For instance the last time it happened, dh put his foot down about the co and told bm he would not take sd back because co states he gets her and bm picks her up she call dh moms and she called him and told him he was being ridiculous and he should take her back. Than she texted me saying how sd was going to hate him one day for what he is doing. It breaks my heart. He his keeps getting walked over by everyone. He stands up for himself and he is wrong.

    This might be how it feels right now but you have to stay strong. It is just like a kid with no rules. When they first get rules the push back, have fits, and try to get the rules removed. Once they relize you are serious and standing your ground they adjust. YH needs to stand strong till BM and MIL relize he is not going to be walked all over anymore. They are just trying to guilt him to get their way. It may suck now but it will be so much better in the long run!

  • She does it because it works in some way. MIL loves to threaten us with going to BM. We have finally cut her off. If she wants time with SS she can go ahead and go through BM. Sad thing is she doesn't give a dang if she never meets our future kids. I hope your situation doesn't get to ours but she needs to figure out her place which is either a positive role in your lives or not at all
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    image MrsHamilton2b:
    He has talked with all parties and it continues to happen. And when she calls, his mom will take up for her and reprimand him. For instance the last time it happened, dh put his foot down about the co and told bm he would not take sd back because co states he gets her and bm picks her up she call dh moms and she called him and told him he was being ridiculous and he should take her back. Than she texted me saying how sd was going to hate him one day for what he is doing. It breaks my heart. He his keeps getting walked over by everyone. He stands up for himself and he is wrong.

    In a case like this, your H needs to hang up on his own mother. 

    If my MIL texted me telling me how my H would behave, I would write back "Please don't text me about things that do not concern you." 

    In this scenario, when H put his foot down and bm showed up - - did she end up with SD like she wanted?  If yes, that's why she calls your H's mommy.  She gets what she wants.

    Your H needs to learn that he doesn't have to win any popularity contests - not with his mom, grandmother, BM, or SD.  He needs to have values that guide him, not a bunch of pushy women.

    I would "go dark" on MIL.  Unless it is her birthday or mother's day, stop contacting her and don't take her calls.  You can set your phone so her calls go staight to voicemail, and delete her texts before you read them.  Let her learn what the consequences are for not having boundries.

    There are also books you / H can read like "Boundries" (I haven't read it, but it has been recommended a few times on thenest), or "When I say No, I feel guilty." Or he needs therapy to provide him with tools to stand up for himself (and SD!!!).  If he has an EAP at work, he could probably get a few sessions for free - that might be all he needs.  The rest is practice.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • BM did not end up coming to get SD, she waited a week and a half when we had to go into town anyways. That is a good idea for me to not reply or let her know it is none of my business what is going on. And it is very sad also, it seems mil doesnt care as much as my dd as she does the step kids. I give it all the benefit of the doubt because we all live 3ish hours away from her whereas bm lives 1 hour away. but i know i cant go by facebook, but she doesnt have one pic of dd on her facebook page whereas everytime i turn around she has a new pic of sd and ss (whom is not biologically dh he found out when he was 4 months). Um what is wrong with these people?

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  • image Wahoo:

    image MrsHamilton2b:
    He has talked with all parties and it continues to happen. And when she calls, his mom will take up for her and reprimand him. For instance the last time it happened, dh put his foot down about the co and told bm he would not take sd back because co states he gets her and bm picks her up she call dh moms and she called him and told him he was being ridiculous and he should take her back. Than she texted me saying how sd was going to hate him one day for what he is doing. It breaks my heart. He his keeps getting walked over by everyone. He stands up for himself and he is wrong.

    In a case like this, your H needs to hang up on his own mother. 

    If my MIL texted me telling me how my H would behave, I would write back "Please don't text me about things that do not concern you." 

    I would "go dark" on MIL.  Unless it is her birthday or mother's day, stop contacting her and don't take her calls.  You can set your phone so her calls go staight to voicemail, and delete her texts before you read them.  Let her learn what the consequences are for not having boundries.

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  • image holly71087:

    BM and MIL used to have a relationship like this.  MIL would just "smile & nod" whenever BM had a tantrum because BM was giving MIL extra time with SD and MIL didn't want to upset that relationship.  to the point that she wouldn't even stand up for her only child!

    I don't even think DH knew about it, until I witnessed it first hand one day and told him about it. the BM/ MIL relationship deteriorated pretty quickly after that, and I don't even think they have spoken in over a year. 

    anyway, your DH needs to grow some balls and approach his mom about it.  she needs to set the boundaries with BM.  DH can also approach BM and tell him to stop calling his mom to complain about him.

    honestly, not much YOU can do about it, it has to come from DH...

    So in other words Holly no one had any issues with the set up until you stepped in and created drama.  Please go back to counselling.

    OP I have come to learn that often times family cause the most hurt and upset in life.

    There is absolutely nothing your DH can do about BM and his mothers relationship.  However, he can lay down some boundaries with his family and if they are crossed he can choose if he wants to continue contact with them.

    My mother would totally do what your DH mother is doing, if I allowed it to happen.  For that reason I have very limited contact with her.  Ironically since I pretty much cut her out, thus eliminating a mountain of BS from my life, she has become very respectful and loyal.  In otherwords she knows that if she pulls some BS stunt she will be shown the door AGAIN.

    Telling them don't do it and continuing contact once they do is NOT standing up for yourself.

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  • image MrsHamilton2b:
    He has talked with all parties and it continues to happen. And when she calls, his mom will take up for her and reprimand him. For instance the last time it happened, dh put his foot down about the co and told bm he would not take sd back because co states he gets her and bm picks her up she call dh moms and she called him and told him he was being ridiculous and he should take her back. Than she texted me saying how sd was going to hate him one day for what he is doing. It breaks my heart. He his keeps getting walked over by everyone. He stands up for himself and he is wrong.

     NEVER! While our issues don't stem from BM/MIL, my DH finally stood up to his Mom & Dad 2 years ago and they chose to continue to act in ways that we have found to be inappropriate. While we hear that they constantly talk crap about him to his siblings & try to say that he's a horrible son, etc. they never once called us or will even consider that maybe its their behavior that's the issue. 

    While we're sure they've heard we're expecting a baby in December, still haven't heard a word & have agreed that they have lost the "right" to be in our children's lives. It can be so hard watching my DH grieve over losing his parents but when I tell him we can always suck it up & just fake our way through the rest of our interactions with them, he says "No" and doesn't want our kids to grow up seeing that as appropriate behavior either.

    Make sure your DH knows you are there for him & your family & that he is never wrong for standing up for himself. 

     

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  • My late MIL had a similar relationship with my younger BIL's exwife/mother to his older 3 kids. XSIL lived nearer and had a lot in common with her- both small town girls, teachers, church goers, etc. SIL is a lovely woman and seldom complained about BIL unless he or his new wife were out of line, which he often was. I'm sure it's not your situation.

    XSIL takes care of MIL's grave with flowers and such. BIL finally saw through he horrible 2nd wife and left her.

  • I couldn't imagine surviving being a BF with a rather toxic BM without my MIL's support.

    If my husband's exwife called my MIL with a complaint my MIL would tell her where to shove it.

    I think most of the PP's have given the same advice that I would.

    I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

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