November 2011 Moms

Spanking Poll

I was lurking on the SAHM board and saw that they had some polls for spanking. I thought I would start a convo here.

Were you spanked as a child?

Do you plan on spanking your child to discipline them? What do you think about using spanking as a tool for disciplining a child?

 

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Re: Spanking Poll

  • I was spanked, but it was a rare thing. Once I was old enough for them to ground me and for me to understand what that meant, I was grounded much more than being spanked. The last time I was spanked I was ~11 years old and it was really weird. I just kind of looked at my mom like, "Really? Spanking, Mom?" She never did it after that.

    I'm not sure if I will spank my kids or not. Someone on SAHM said that it only showed them that their parent had lost control. I agree with that statement. I definitely don't want my kids to think that I had lost control.

    I'm going to have to read some books on discipline when that time comes. :-)

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  • I was spanked once, for throwing a rock that hit a girl.  I think spanking can be effective as long as open dialogue is used with it, and as long as there is no anger involved. If you are angry and strike your child, I think that is excessive.
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  • I was one of the debaters on that post so I'll try my best to not turn this into a crazy debate..

    I remember one time really being spanked as a younger child (I'm sure I got swatted a couple times but but nothing I remember). Spanking wasn't really necessary with me because I would punish myself more. All my mom ever had to do was tell me I disappointed her and I would melt down.

    I think spanking can be used as effective punishment, and depending on my child's personality, I could see doing it. Spanking should NEVER be used an your only mean of discipline. I also don't think it needs to be done when you are incredibly angry and upset.  

     

  • Yes, I was spanked as a child.

    No, I do not plan on spanking as discipline.  I believe that there should be consequences for certain behaviors, but that spanking is a pretty ineffective consequence.  Maybe I was just a brat as a child, but my attitude was always "what are they going to do to me, spank me? oh well"  I didn't care.  I think that for a child to care about spanking as a consequence, you have to be spanking hard enough for it to cross the line into the abuse category. 

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  • I was spanked as a child and it was infrequent. I don't feel like I was physically abused but I do feel like my mother spanked me out of her own anger at my misbehavior. I don't recall my father ever spanking me.

    I do not plan on using spanking as a form of punishment. I strongly believe that there are other effective ways to get your point across. Despite this belief I honestly don't judge others who opt to spank, and can't honestly say that I will never ever spank despite my beliefs.

    I'm sure this is because of my own experiences, but I have a hard time picturing someone spanking and not being angry while doing it. It just seems weird to me. If you are calm and collected, why not just use another form of punishment?

    I guess I equate spanking with yelling. Both seem to me to be out of anger and loss of control. They get the point across effectively but if used too frequently or too extremely can cause long term emotional damage. But because we are all human I understand that things happen.

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  • I was spanked as a child.  We do not spank and will never spank.  There are too many other discipline options out there.  We tend to do more of a positive parenting approach (this is a great website:   http://www.positive-parents.org/2011/06/positive-parenting-is-not-permissive.html).  So far it's working for us as DD is very well behaved.
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  • I don't think I was spanked, but I feel like my sister may have been....she was the child from hel!! (ADHD to teh extreme, at 26 she still needs meds to function)

    This is where DH and I differ and will have to have a ver serious convo soon.  He thinks spanking is totally ok and it teaches a lesson.  I think time outs and possitive reinforcement teach even better lessons.  Maybe it's because I've worked with kids my entire working life and he has had very little contact with kids, but I think a lot can be accomplished without spanking.  I also like the way one of my friends put it, "How am I supposed to teach LO that hitting is bad and wrong, if I spank her?"

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  • My mother outdid herself when it came down to spanking.  I remember getting hit with extension cords... She would take the cord, fold it in half, make knots and hit us with it.  She was really tough but we respected her. I recall getting hit with belts, shoes and slapped around a couple of times.  Today that would be considered child abuse, but back then I saw it as her method of applying discipline. 

    Do I approve these methods? Or would I want to use them with my Little Ones? NO, of course not!  There are many other ways to get through a child without having to abuse them. Is not that I don?t believe in spanking? I believe it should be used as last resort and without ANGER being involved. 

     

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  • I was spanked as a child, but not often.

    I do not plan on spanking as my only or first form of discipline, but I will never say I will never spank. I will try many other methods if need be, but in my experience with kids (teaching preschool, being a nanny, nieces and nephews, etc.) no ONE form of discipline will work for every kid. You can read about a discipline method and love it all you want, and you can even do everything the book says to do, but it might not work on your child. There are some kids you only have to look at and they know to stop doing whatever it is they're doing. Or timeout. Or talking it through. Or [insert whatever method you've read about here]. There are others who couldn't give two sh!ts. You use what works.

    My sister and her husband use timeout with their kids. For the youngest, this works wonders. It has never worked on the oldest. She laughs, she runs, and makes fun of them. But yet they keep on saying "This is the method we chose. We're sticking with it to be consistent." Really? She's now 5 and you've been doing this for 5 years. Try something else! I'm not saying that has to be spanking. I think that's the last method you should try. But hey, if nothing else works, I'll try spanking.

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  • I was not spanked.  I was threatened with the belt, but it was never used.

    I will not spank.  I don't want to teach that hitting first and then talking things out is the way to go.  I will use other methods of punishment (time outs, stopping play, redirection). 

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  • I got one spanking as a child, I deserved it. I was between 5-8 and it didn't hurt, I was really embarassed though. I never did anything like what I did again. I don't know if I'll spank DS, if I do it will be like previous posters and not out of anger, and won't hurt him. It will be like i got spanked. Pants down, bare hand, explaning why I was doing it and hopefully it embarasses him into not doing whatever i felt spanking was my only option for again.
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  • Were you spanked as a child? Yes.

    Do you plan on spanking your child to discipline them? If she is anything like me than yes. No other form of discipline worked on me because I didn't care but I did NOT want to get spanked.

    What do you think about using spanking as a tool for disciplining a child?
    I think it can definitely be effective. I think it depends on the child as well as the situation but I think not spanking at all ever is ridiculous and makes children spoiled brats. I have never met someone that didn't spank their children AND had well behaved children.

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  • I was spanked occasionally as a child. My brother was terrible and spanked often.

    I will not spank. I remember getting sick as a child from listening to my brother getting spanked. I still do. I hate it.

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  • I was spanked a couple of times, my sister got it more! I don't think will spank I'm hoping my teacher look will be all LO needs. Ha 

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  • image authorofdreamz:

    Were you spanked as a child? Yes.

    Do you plan on spanking your child to discipline them? If she is anything like me than yes. No other form of discipline worked on me because I didn't care but I did NOT want to get spanked.

    What do you think about using spanking as a tool for disciplining a child?
    I think it can definitely be effective. I think it depends on the child as well as the situation but I think not spanking at all ever is ridiculous and makes children spoiled brats. I have never met someone that didn't spank their children AND had well behaved children.

     Come meet my daughter.  She is not spoiled at all.  We are proactive and have high expectations for her behavior.  We get comments often about how well behaved she is.  I'm not saying she's an angel, but she's definitely a well behaved little girl who has good manners.  Not spanking is not equivalent to having no discipline.

    My niece, on the other hand, is spanked and is extremely unpleasant to be around because her parents don't set up their boundaries ahead of time.  They just spank her reactively and don't try to teach her how to behave correctly.   

    Your child won't be spoiled if you don't raise him or her to be spoiled.  It's not about spanking; it's about instilling good values, teaching them how to behave, and responding appropriately if they don't behave the way they should.  Your reaction doesn't have to be hitting. 

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  • image authorofdreamz:

    Were you spanked as a child? Yes.

    Do you plan on spanking your child to discipline them? If she is anything like me than yes. No other form of discipline worked on me because I didn't care but I did NOT want to get spanked.

    What do you think about using spanking as a tool for disciplining a child?
    I think it can definitely be effective. I think it depends on the child as well as the situation but I think not spanking at all ever is ridiculous and makes children spoiled brats. I have never met someone that didn't spank their children AND had well behaved children.

    I know this is your opinion and I respect that but this is where I think it turns into an ugly debate.

    While spanking may be right for your family or even mine, it isn't for every family.  I don't like making assumptions that just because you don't spank, you are going to have a spoiled child that doesn't take discipline seriously.  

    I would never want someone to question my parenting decisions and say just because I may spank, my child is going to be emotional damaged and I'm a lazy parent.  (That was the general assumption from the SAHM board).

    Bottom line, there are some spoiled kids who are spanked.  There are some spoiled kids that aren't spanked.  There are some lazy parents who don't spank.  There are some lazy parents that do spank.  There are a whole lot of other factors that influence how your children turn out than whether or not they were spanked at some point.  

     

     

  • I was spanked only enough times to count on one hand, if that. I was never against it, but now that Charlie is here I just can't envision myself laying a hand on him like that, ever. But I'm reserving the right to table my decision until he gets to an age where he can act out and 'deserve' that kind of punishment. Until we get to that point, I don't think I can make a valid assessment.
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    I think I was spanked once or twice when I was really young, I don't remember well though.

    I do know that FI and his siblings were never spanked but the "red bottom" was always threatened and that was enough to keep them in line as kids. 

    My mom and uncles were spanked with a wooden pizza paddle, it still hangs in my grandparents kitchen and THAT was enough to keep me in line whenever I was over there, even up until I was in highschool LOL... sh*t it still freaks me out, just looming there over the stove. That suckers solid and heavy!

    ETA: I can't say for sure if I will spank Maya, if I do it will be reserved for if she ever does anything REALLY bad. So that it will leave a lasting impression on her, I do feel that if you spank all the time it won't have any effect unless like smilelari said, your spanking to the point of abuse. 

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  • I was spanked by my mom (who was a single mom working 3 jobs) and I got my mouth washed out with soap. Both of them worked! :P 

    My mom is very loving and affectionate and not in any way abusive.  I think that's the important difference in how you discipline your child.  If its done out of anger and rage that's more likely to become abusive or cause psychological damage, than if it is done in a controlled fashion, specifically as a discipline. That was my experience anyway.

    I plan to spank as part of a discipline regimen, but like I've said before, parenting is an art and you have to individualize it to each child and each set of parents :)

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  • image lkm2006:

    I know this is your opinion and I respect that but this is where I think it turns into an ugly debate.

    While spanking may be right for your family or even mine, it isn't for every family.  I don't like making assumptions that just because you don't spank, you are going to have a spoiled child that doesn't take discipline seriously.  

     All I said is I have never met a child that doesn't get spanked and is well behaved. I have also never met a child that IS spanked and misbehaves. I am not saying they don't exist just that I haven't met them so they must not be that common. Other discipline methods just don't make sense to me. I mean what kid fears a time out? They know they can do whatever they want because all that is going to happen is they will have to sit in a chair for a few minutes.

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  • Yes, I was spanked...excessively (which leads to my following answer)

    No, I do not plan on spanking my child/children. I believe there are other ways of helping children learn positive behavior and that spanking is not an effective form of learning. I am a firm believer in the Love and Logic theory of natural consequences as a teacher. I want my children to choose to do the right thing because it is what is right and will produce good results for them, not because they fear being hit by someone bigger than them. Plus I was a teacher before being a SAHM so I've got some pretty good consequences up my sleeves if the natural consequences are not as effective as I hope they will be.

     *A parent who is involved with their children and teaches them right from wrong and how to behave properly makes well behaved children...not whether or not they are spanked. 

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  • image authorofdreamz:
    image lkm2006:

    I know this is your opinion and I respect that but this is where I think it turns into an ugly debate.

    While spanking may be right for your family or even mine, it isn't for every family.  I don't like making assumptions that just because you don't spank, you are going to have a spoiled child that doesn't take discipline seriously.  

     All I said is I have never met a child that doesn't get spanked and is well behaved. I have also never met a child that IS spanked and misbehaves. I am not saying they don't exist just that I haven't met them so they must not be that common. Other discipline methods just don't make sense to me. I mean what kid fears a time out? They know they can do whatever they want because all that is going to happen is they will have to sit in a chair for a few minutes.

    For real?  I've known kids that were spanked that went to prison. 

    If a spanking is not over the line into abuse why would a child fear being spanked? (I never feared being spanked and acted out even more when I was)  And why do you assume that the only motivation for behaving is fear?  (Again, other things were always better motivators for me)

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  • I was spanked a lot by my ex step dad and got my hair pulled and cussed at a lot.  I will not spank.  All his spanking did was make me fear and hate him and hate living in that house with him.  I was a good little girl and didn't deserve any of it.  I don't want my child raised in fear.  There are a lot of effective ways to discipline children that don't involve violence.
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  • image littlewinnie15:
    I was spanked only enough times to count on one hand, if that. I was never against it, but now that Charlie is here I just can't envision myself laying a hand on him like that, ever. But I'm reserving the right to table my decision until he gets to an age where he can act out and 'deserve' that kind of punishment. Until we get to that point, I don't think I can make a valid assessment.

    After I replied, I had a 45 minute drive home from work.  I kept thinking...I think I might be all talk.  I talk about how I think spanking can be reasonable and how I will spank Wheelz if I think he needs it.  But...This is coming from the momma who tells her baby daily that he is "perfect in every way" even when he's cranky.  Can I picture myself ever laying a hand on my perfect sweet babycrack? no....  Daddy may have to be the disciplinarian.

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  • image smilelari:

    For real?  I've known kids that were spanked that went to prison. 

    If a spanking is not over the line into abuse why would a child fear being spanked? (I never feared being spanked and acted out even more when I was)  And why do you assume that the only motivation for behaving is fear?  (Again, other things were always better motivators for me)

    Again, I am only talking about children *I* personally have met. 

    It can hurt and still not be considered abuse..why would a child not fear physical pain?
    I am not saying it is the only motivator just the best one. Maybe for you but not for me and not for many many children. I have seen many children that when their parents say "Don't do that or you'll go on time out" Say "I don't care". Whereas if a parent says "Do you want a spanking?" They straighten up right quick.

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  • image authorofdreamz:
    image lkm2006:

    I know this is your opinion and I respect that but this is where I think it turns into an ugly debate.

    While spanking may be right for your family or even mine, it isn't for every family.  I don't like making assumptions that just because you don't spank, you are going to have a spoiled child that doesn't take discipline seriously.  

     All I said is I have never met a child that doesn't get spanked and is well behaved. I have also never met a child that IS spanked and misbehaves. I am not saying they don't exist just that I haven't met them so they must not be that common. Other discipline methods just don't make sense to me. I mean what kid fears a time out? They know they can do whatever they want because all that is going to happen is they will have to sit in a chair for a few minutes.

    I know we have a lot of teachers on here that could tell you there are plenty of great kids out there who don't get spanked.  I'm not a teacher, I hope to be someday though, but I've worked with lots of kids, and was never able to lay a hand on them, of course, and most of then listened because then knew that if they didn't they had to sit out of what they really wanted to do.  It's amazing how the "fear" of not being able to do what they want will stop a child from doing something with just a warning. 

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  • I was never spanked or even grounded for that matter. My parents raised us (4 kids) to respect them. No we were not all the perfect angels, but I can't say that I ever remeber a time where any of us lashed out at our parents.

    I personally will not use spanking as a punishment, it is just not for me. I think I would feel guilty and remorseful if I did it. I think DH and I will have to come up with a plan for how to handle punishments. This is something I think both parents need to be on the same page on.

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  • I have a 4.5 year old and so I can answer from the BTDT perspective. I have smacked. I don't know if I would consider it spanking.  I have never smacked more than one time per occasion or hard.  It's more of a smack on the leg, like "You have reached my limit. You go any farther and there will be h3!! to pay". 

    I don't love my discipline style. I would love to improve it.  My DD is a good kid for the most part.   She just has an attitude problem in the sense that she does not know what "No" means and she will proceed to circumvent me by going to Daddy or helping herself to whatever she wants. I would love to be able to discuss my DD's actions with her, but I'm torn because I have learned that sometimes you just can't rationalize with a small child.  At least in my DD's case, I can talk until I'm blue in the face, and she will just go right back to what she wants as if she never even heard me.  It's frustrating.

     I was also smacked on a few occasions as a child.  My Dad used to threaten me with his leather belt, but he never actually used it that I remember.  The threat was enough.

    I think every parent just has to make their decision as to what is best.  In the end, the child has to learn right from wrong.  If a parent can achieve that without smacking, great. If a parent needs to smack and it works for them, ok.  There just has to be a line between a smack and beating.

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  • I can't remember ever being spanked, but my mom did bust out the wooden spoon from time to time. She never hit us with it, she just threatened us, and it worked. She also would grab my arm from time to time while out in public, and that got the point across.

    If I had to make a decision right now I would say that I don't plan on spanking my child. My husband disagrees but like PPs have said, we really won't know what will happen until LO actually misbehaves. Right now he's perfect and I can't imagine it any other way.

    ETA: I do think time out is an effective method of punishment. Yes, the child knows that he or she will be done in a few minutes, but to a little kid a few minutes of sitting alone with nothing to do is torture, and I think teaches a lesson as well.

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  • I was not spanked as a child, and I have no intention of spanking my kids.  Time outs have worked incredibly with my toddler.  He doesn't like to be separated from me or my husband--even if the separation is purely us ignoring him while he sits in time out to cool off.  Just asking him if he needs time out to settle down and start behaving elicits good behavior.  I just don't see a need for spanking when there are so many other options.
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