Babies on the Brain

I know I am ready... is he?

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have been married for five. We have always talked about having children. Three years ago we mutually decided that I would go off birth control. Fast forward to present day, we still have not conceived and as it turns out we most likely will not be able to conceive without IUF or possible IVF (we found this out in January). What is making this process even more painful is every month or so my husband starts getting cold feet. Quite frankly is scares the hell out of me. I want a baby more than anything in the world. I don't understand his behavior. We had an appointment to get everything set up for IUF in several weeks and the yesterday he asked if I was sure I wanted to have a baby now?!?!? I don't know what to do

Re: I know I am ready... is he?

  • I'm sorry about your IF problems. I've been dealing with IF with my husband for years now, too (we adopted our daughter). I know both my DH and I have gone through "cold feet" at various times. IF is very hard on an individual and on a marriage. One of the hardest parts of the whole thing is the loss of (or perception of the loss of) control. I know I have cold feet now about adopting again. There are too many unknows... will we be approved again? Will an expectant mother choose us? Will we be able to afford it and a second child (particularly schooling as LO is most likely going to private). The only thing we CAN control is NOT doing it. Maybe your DH is going through some of that now, too. Or other equally difficult and valid decisions. Hang in there and communicate!

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  • image fredalina:
    I'm sorry about your IF problems. I've been dealing with IF with my husband for years now, too (we adopted our daughter). I know both my DH and I have gone through "cold feet" at various times. IF is very hard on an individual and on a marriage. One of the hardest parts of the whole thing is the loss of (or perception of the loss of) control. I know I have cold feet now about adopting again. There are too many unknows... will we be approved again? Will an expectant mother choose us? Will we be able to afford it and a second child (particularly schooling as LO is most likely going to private). The only thing we CAN control is NOT doing it. Maybe your DH is going through some of that now, too. Or other equally difficult and valid decisions. Hang in there and communicate!

    Great advice and insight...many of which DH and I are going through now. IF is a major life crisis and the emotions/concerns are often all over the place. One day I'm ready to move forward and the next terrified. All normal.


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  • image fredalina:
    I'm sorry about your IF problems. I've been dealing with IF with my husband for years now, too (we adopted our daughter). I know both my DH and I have gone through "cold feet" at various times. IF is very hard on an individual and on a marriage. One of the hardest parts of the whole thing is the loss of (or perception of the loss of) control. I know I have cold feet now about adopting again. There are too many unknows... will we be approved again? Will an expectant mother choose us? Will we be able to afford it and a second child (particularly schooling as LO is most likely going to private). The only thing we CAN control is NOT doing it. Maybe your DH is going through some of that now, too. Or other equally difficult and valid decisions. Hang in there and communicate!

     

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  • I afraid that the real problem is that he unable or rather unwilling to accept that there is something wrong with his sperm the he can't 'fix". He keeps talking about taking supplements or getting more exercise so that he will be able to "get me pregnant". I don't know how to convince him that this has nothing to do with his masculinity or sexual prowess. When we thought the problem was just me he was all about different hormone treatments... Has anyone else has their partners struggle with accepting the problem being on their end?
  • image Kathryn Grice:
    I afraid that the real problem is that he unable or rather unwilling to accept that there is something wrong with his sperm the he can't 'fix". He keeps talking about taking supplements or getting more exercise so that he will be able to "get me pregnant". I don't know how to convince him that this has nothing to do with his masculinity or sexual prowess. When we thought the problem was just me he was all about different hormone treatments... Has anyone else has their partners struggle with accepting the problem being on their end?

    Has your husband gone with you to talk to your RE so that he can hear what is going on from someone besides you?  I know my husband often times hears something like this better from someone who isn't me...even if I were to say the exact same thing to him. 

    That problem may very much be what it is...and that's a HUGE issue for anyone, male or female, to understand, accept, and move past.

    Good luck

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  • image KdgTeacher:

    image Kathryn Grice:
    I afraid that the real problem is that he unable or rather unwilling to accept that there is something wrong with his sperm the he can't 'fix". He keeps talking about taking supplements or getting more exercise so that he will be able to "get me pregnant". I don't know how to convince him that this has nothing to do with his masculinity or sexual prowess. When we thought the problem was just me he was all about different hormone treatments... Has anyone else has their partners struggle with accepting the problem being on their end?

    Has your husband gone with you to talk to your RE so that he can hear what is going on from someone besides you?  I know my husband often times hears something like this better from someone who isn't me...even if I were to say the exact same thing to him. 

    That problem may very much be what it is...and that's a HUGE issue for anyone, male or female, to understand, accept, and move past.

    Good luck

    Ditto this. MH wasn't ready to pursue fertility treatments for a couple years. It sucked but he gets a voice in all this too.

    ETA: What is your diagnosis? I'm not sure what IUF is, either.

    Six years of infertility and loss, four IUIs, one IVF and one very awesome little boy born via med-free birth 10.24.13.
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  • I know how hard it is to have to wait, for us it was like a light switch.  He wasn't ready and we had planned to do an IUI in June, then about mid April he decided he was ready.  (He's currently freaking out because it worked the first time, lol).

    It sounds like you've had some testing done, was he there when you talked to the RE?

    Is an IUF another name for IUI?

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    PCOS and Hypothyroidism- Successful IUI's- May 2012 and October 2014.  Miscarriage @ 6w3d in December 2009.
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