TTC after 35

TTC and Hubby not up to the task....

I am really getting frustrated.  I just turned 43 this week and know that my window of opportunity to have a baby is nearly closed.  We had a miscarriage around this time last year and had hope that this meant I could get pregnant without trying too hard.

Well, long story short, it seems that in fact, we can't seem to easily get pregnant.  I have been charting my temps and trying to time sex around the fertile days.  Trouble is, my DH doesn't seem to be up for the task.  He is always tired and not interested.  This month I told him he will just have to persevere. The first two times he came almost immediately - no problem, since it's the sperm I need.  Now on the critical day he doesn't seem to be able to keep his erection.  It almost feels like he is sabotaging our chances even though he is the one who keeps saying he really wants us to have children.  Lightning

Thanks for letting me vent, friends.


Re: TTC and Hubby not up to the task....

  • You know there isn't a 'critical' day, right? With the possible exception of certain forms of MFI, sperm continue living in the tubes for several days, up to 5 actually. Because of this, intercourse is really only necessary a couple of times during your fertile week. If you want to be thorough, and if MFI isn't an issue, every other day is all that's needed. 

    Another thing to consider is the pressure that is being applied to your DH. Sex on demand isn't fun for anyone. Your frustration and disappointment in his performance will be felt, even if you don't think you are showing it. To be clear, I am not telling you 'relax and it will happen'. However, being mindful of the effects command and pressure have on sexual performance isn't a bad idea. Ultimately, whether you succeed or not, this is the man that you love and you will be with him for a very long time. Nurture that relationship. 

    ETA: By the way, it's generally polite to introduce yourself. 

    AMA over 40
    Massive uterine fibroids removed 3/06
    BFP 1/11; MM/C discovered @ 10w, loss at 6w; Cytotec
    B/W 7/11 = normal CD3, FSH 8.9; 7DPO progesterone 1.7
    Three Clomid cycles, all BFN, Off to an RE for me...
    FSH=8.7 E2=30 AMH=1.8 HSG clear, SA=great
    Inj. IUI #1 12/9/11 BFN, Inj. IUI #2 1/6/12 BFN
    Inj. IUI #3 1/30/12 BFP!, HCG doubled through 6w, 7w u/s mm/c twins
    Factor V Leiden, Hetero, symptomatic
    Op Hysteroscopy 5/12, removed scar tissue and uterine septum
    Doing Cryo-DE IVF 
    Beautiful hatching 5-blast transfered 8/30
    BFP 9/7/12 EDD May 19, 2013
    A/S on 12/21/12, Petra's having a baby, it's the end of the world!
    Pebbles arrived safe and sound 4/13. Placenta accreta found.
    Op hysteroscopy 2/7, reopen ute/remove adhesions from accreta
    Found severe Ashermans. Fuuuuuuu... Repeat Op Hyst in March.
    Op Hyst ver 3.0 looks good so far, find out if it worked in June.
    Finally got the damn IUD out. Waiting to stop bleeding.
    SIS shows rippled funky shaped ute, but given clearance to begin sFET calendar.
    Here goes everything...
    sFET#2 BFP, ended in m/c.
    Waiting for the next Op Hysteroscopy to find out what next.
    Scratch that, retained tissue. 3rd Cytotec round.
    Another damn Op Hyst. Found and removed retained tissue.
    Pathology returned fine, no molar. Cleared for final attempt after next cycle.

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    "Petra, you are an obese 40+ year old. Stop jumping through these hoops. Just adopt already. There is no shame in that." -Deethebee
  • I'm sorry you're going through this.  That's a tough spot to be in.  To a lesser extent my husband had a little bit of trouble and it was frustrating, but I tried not to show it, esp. b/c I know it was quite frustrating to him, too.  The most concerning time was when he had to produce a sample for IUI, but eventually it happened.  TTC it's such a stressful time for everyone involved.  Have you tried talking to him at a neutral time and getting a feel for how is feeling, what might help, etc.?  Good luck.
  • Hi & welcome

    Unfortunalty, because of age & in the essence of time, are you two ready to consult a RE? It sound like you have been TTC for awhile now. Just my 2 cents. Best wishes with your journey

    TTC since 2006 3 Fertility Clinics Test, Pills & Injectables....oh my. Numerous failed IUI's 7 or 8 or more? IVF #1 June 2012 ~ praying this is the only one ER 6/13/12 - 13 ret, 7 fertilized, 7 progressing, ET 6/15/12, BFN & No freeze babies. Onto IVF #2 in October 2012. No, wait, body not cooperating. IVF #2 in November 2012 IVF #2 Began Provera in Sept to make me start. Never started. I O'd on my own??? 2 weeks of BCPs. Period. Baseline & Labs 10/25 Stims started 10/26 ~ 225 Follistim in the am. 150 Bravelle & 5 Lupron in pm. Trigger 11/4, ER 11/6, ET 11/9 - 2 great embies. 3 Freezebabies. Beta 11/23/2012 BFN. Now what??? I don't know if I can keep going? Daisypath Anniversary tickers I know the Lord would put a strong desire in my heart if it wasn't meant to be. - Isaiah 41:10
  • I'm sorry you're going through this. MH is the complete opposite, so I can't relate, but I know I'd be very frustrated if I were in your situation.

    Can you talk to DH about this? Explain to him that while you know it's not romantic and what not, that this is the business of making babies when a couple is over 35 and it just is what it is? And then ask him if he still wants to have babies? And what you two can do to make it more special and less business-like? 

    That's the only thing I could think of to do. Again, sorry you're going through this...


    "You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was." 
            -- Abraham Lincoln

                               Me:39  MH:39 
    DD born 6/1/2013 after 15 months of TTC with one loss.    
    TTC #2: BFP 4/22 but stalled growth and no HB at 9w3d on 5/30        

    <a href="" style="font-size:smaller;" >
    <br /> My Ovulation Chart</a>

  • I'm going to agree with Petra on this one.  Every other day was a good balance for us, and 2 pregnancies resulted. The every day sex really sucked the enjoyment out of it and resulted in some performance issues for my husband.

    Also like the PP mentioned, maybe it's time to see an RE?  best of luck to you.

    Me: 38, PCOS/ DH: 37

    DD born 12.21.09, conceived w/ injects and IUI

    TTC#2 since Nov 2011

    BFP 2.6.12 m/c 6w5d | BFP 5.25.12 c/p

    -Back to the RE-

    3 medicated IUIs, all BFN

    -Taking a break from treatment-

    BFP 11.20.12 ~ EDD 7.28.13

    image image

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    My Chart
  • Sorry you're going through this.  I just went through something similar this cycle with MH as well.  This was the first time we'd tried DTD every day around O time (3x total), and one of the nights, he had trouble performing.  I think it was very tiring for both of us, and if it doesn't work, we'll probably go back to every other day next month.  I just thought we should go for every day since we're older now (both 38).  With my previous 2 pregnancies, we only DTD every 3 or 3 days and still managed to get pregnant.  So in all honesty I think you are covered, but I understand the frustration. I'm sure he's not purposely causing issues but the mental and physical strain may just be getting to him.  Again, sorry you're going through this.  :(



    Me - 38 DH - 38 DD - 2 pregnancy
  • I agree with trying every other day. I also agree that TTC is stressful for both partners. Also you have to try to avoid making sex only about TTC. Try to get back to focusing on the intimacy part and what you both enjoy. That certainly helped me and my hubby.
    Married 11 years. PCOS; TTC since 2009; 3 unsuccessful IUIs;
    New RE. First & Hopefully Last IVF November 2013.
  • image technigirl:

    I'm sure he's not purposely causing issues but the mental and physical strain may just be getting to him.  


    I agree totally with this (welcome, by the way!) Try to be supportive as performance issues really suck for guys and if they feel like they have made you mad it can become a repeat thing. So just tell him it's fine and you are probably covered for this month. I would also let it go for this month (i.e., don't try again tomorrow) and have some non TTC sex in the next month. I am just trying to make some suggestions so it doesnt go from a one time performance anxiety thing to full blown ED because that can happen and then you are really up shiit creek. 

    Me:39 Dx LPD, Fibroid, AMA and all that goes with that. H:37 Dx low motility and low morphology. TTC since 3/12. Clomid 8/12 and 9/12: BFN. 11/12 on a break for Myomectomy sched. 11/26. Resume TTC early 2013.
  • Hi!

     I agree that your DH may have anxiety about this and it's too much pressure.  DH and I have 2 LC and it took a while (about a year) to get pregnant with the second.  He was so worried that I wouldn't get pregnant and I would get upset each month when AF showed up that it would stress him when it was time to do what needed to be done to make a baby.


    Likewise, we are now trying for #3.  So far getting pregnant hasn't been an issue but staying pregnant is.  He again feels a lot of pressure and stress because now (in his mind) sex leads to pregnancy which keeps leading to overwhelming upset and emotion, depression, etc.  


    So, my very unprofessional advice is stick to every other day.  AND switch it up.  Make it more fun.  I don't mean crazy stuff, but I know it can become a chore.  "It's Tuesday, we have to take out the trash and then have sex because we didn't do it yesterday."  Try to find ways to make it seem more spontaneous and enjoyable rather than the chore it can become.


    Good Luck!!

  • Thank you all for the great comments and support.  I wish everyone good luck in their life journey.



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