Babies: 9 - 12 Months

vent and looking for guidance... long

Ok ladies... I need some help/validation/guidance/or a swift kick in the arse. Here's my problem: my husband.

He's a sweet sweet man. He's funny, kind, and giving. But he's very young mentally. He's not the most mature man. He grew up the baby of older parents in their second marriage, and he's very used to getting what he wants, and being the center of everyone's attention. *Example: When my parents came into the delivery room the morning of my induction, my dad asked "how's it going? how you feeling?" and my husband responded by saying "well I'm a little tired, and I could use some breakfast, but I think I'll do fine". Seriously.

So I'm having a hard time keeping my frustration and irritation under control. I'm not good with letting things go, and I'm still trying to work through/get the heck over some majorly frustrating situations that happened early in in LO's life. Here they are (just so you know what I'm working with)...

I was induced, and labored naturally for 26 hours. the last 7 hours of my attempts to labor naturally were overnight. My husband slept through most of it. At a hospital, there were no midwives and when my husband decided to curl up and go night night, I was left to do it on my own. I had been given Ambien so I wasn't really "with it". It's all very hazy but I do remember hearing him snore, and a few times where my moaning woke him up and he rolled over, looked up at me, and covered his head with the pillow. Eventually I hit 26 hours of contractions with no change, so they gave me an epidural. The next morning I was ready to push and he was of course rested, and shining when my parents arrived to be there for the delivery. Everyone was so impressed with how supportive he was and how much energy he still had. um... yeah this is a big one.

Next on my list of things to get over, is the events that surrounded LO's trip to Children's hospital. He was 10 days old, started panting, and turned blue. So... we rushed him to the ER. Spent one night at the local ER, then moved to children's. My husband is a teacher and school was starting (no kids yet, just teacher work days the first week of school). He decided he needed his sleep (he loves sleep) for work and left myself and the baby at the hospital for 4 days. He did make 2 trips to come see us including the day we went home. I was breastfeeding and because LO was nursing every 2 hours, I was sleeping about 3 hours a night. But even that is an over estimate. I fell asleep nursing LO several times and the nurses were no help either, suggesting they just give him a bottle so I could sleep. That wasn't something I wanted to do, so I just went without sleep. (I understand my husband couldn't have helped with feedings, but once the baby had fed, he could have rocked him while I got an hour of rest. taking turns). In the end, the biggest issue here is my husband literally left his 10 day old infant in the hospital when we had NO IDEA what was wrong with him, so he could work 4 hours a day getting his classroom set up then go home and "rest". This is not ok to me. I doubt most men would be so selfish.

Next... no help at home. This baby literally did not sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for the first 5 months. The other hours of the day were spent nursing. Needless to say I was tired. Again, this is not my husband's job to nurse the baby. But... instead of me being the one to nurse for almost an hour, then rock the sleepless baby to sleep for 45 minutes, just to get maybe an hour of sleep, i wished my husband would have taken over at the times it was possible for him t help. ie, rocking LO back to sleep. I asked, I b!tched, I complained, I begged, and all it did was put him into a bad mood. He would pout, sulk, mope, then get angry and come back at me saying I was being "mean" and "too hard on him", and acting like a "b!tch". He would then encourage me to seek professional help for my PPD and suggested medication to "make me happier".

So those three big items are still looming in my brain, even though I try every day not to let them creep up. But it's hard to combine that daily struggle of mine with all the other "little things" that go wrong when I leave the baby with the husband. I'm a SAHM, and we only have one car. So I don't leave the house. We go on walks if it's not too hot outside, but most days are spent in the living room, playing, reading, singing, dancing with LO, broken up with nursing, and two naps (i love naps). When my husband gets home from work I allow him time to change, shower, relax, watch a little TV. Then about an hour before LO is going to need to nurse before bed, I leave LO with my husband while I finally shower, and spend a little time working (I'm a wedding photographer and I work at night/weekends when we have weddings). Every time I come back downstairs from "my time" LO is playing with my husbands cell phone (I hate screen time for infants, and he knows this) or my husband is on his cell phone checking baseball games scores while LO plays by himself.

We could use a little extra cash but my husband refused to get a summer job because he "misses LO and wishes he could spend more time with him". So he's not working this summer while school is out. Does he spend much time with LO? Nope. He sleeps in, and when he's finally awake, he wants very little to do with LO.

I'm writing this post because two days ago I went to Walmart to pick up some things for the party we were planning the next day (4th of july). It was delightful to shower, put on make up, clothes that match, and go to a store. It was really awesome. But when I came home (after an hour and a half) LO was plopped in front of the TV watching baby tv shows. Hubby was on the computer. I was livid of course. Hubby's response was "look... this is my summer vacation. So if he needs to watch some TV so I get a moment to myself, so be it. it's not going to hurt him".

 

How the heck do I move forward without being a "b!tch" as I'm called on a daily basis? Please help 

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Re: vent and looking for guidance... long

  • Yikes! That's rough. I feel for you.

     Here's my take:

    1) Your husband is being a jerk. However, you knew this when you married him apparently. So don't expect it to change to soon. If I were you, when you're both in a good mood, I would talk to him about what bothers you and what he needs to do for you from now on. Going forward when there's a situation where you need support spell out word for word what you need.  It appears your husband is selfish but she's also not a mind reader. My H and I get along best when we both say, "Hey I need you to ____." No sense in playing games or waiting around expecting him to know what you want. Yes, sometimes he should just know, but IRL it doesn't always work that way. After that, let him know the past upset but learn, forgive and forget. Life is way too short to worry about what's already been done.

    2) I know you're in a tough situation and I don't want to sound mean, but in the quickest terms, you sound like a bit of a Martyr Mom. You have to remember if you want the break, take it, don't feel guilty and realize that NO ONE will do things like you do. A bit of screen time never killed a kid. Neither did a bottle, esp. when you're struggling and the emotional stress outweighs the "benefits." My H does 547547457 things different with LO than I do. I've learned to take a step back and just let it be. Different isn't always bad or wrong. They absoultely adore each other and have a relationship to foster that I don't want to ruin. The second I start to get nitpicky, H backs off the parenting and I don't blame him. Take time just for you, relax and realize that someone else doing something diffferent isn't going to hurt your kid.

  • Wow. I don't even know where to start. There's many mean things I'd like to say about your DH right about now, but I'm going to be respectful.

    First off, its not ok for him to be calling you names. Especially in front of your LO. Despite how young he may be, he's picking up on that stuff. And he's just teaching him that its ok to call women these names.

     Have you tried counselling? Or couples counselling?? I'm no therapist, so I don't really feel qualified to be giving advice. But perhaps a counsellor would have some advice as to how you can move forward. Even better if its a couples counsellor, and they can make him realize the error of his ways.

    You seem to be a lot more patient than I am. I'm not sure that I would have stuck around. Even with a LO, I think I would have walked out. BUT, I'm working hard on tolerance and patience. Props to you for having both. :)

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  • image dairygirl19:

    2) I know you're in a tough situation and I don't want to sound mean, but in the quickest terms, you sound like a bit of a Martyr Mom. You have to remember if you want the break, take it, don't feel guilty and realize that NO ONE will do things like you do. A bit of screen time never killed a kid. Neither did a bottle, esp. when you're struggling and the emotional stress outweighs the "benefits." My H does 547547457 things different with LO than I do. I've learned to take a step back and just let it be. Different isn't always bad or wrong. They absoultely adore each other and have a relationship to foster that I don't want to ruin. The second I start to get nitpicky, H backs off the parenting and I don't blame him. Take time just for you, relax and realize that someone else doing something diffferent isn't going to hurt your kid.

     ALL OF THIS!! I have no problem going to DH, handing him DD and saying "I really, really need a break". We're parentS. I'm not doing this alone.

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  • image AMcLaws:

    Wow. I don't even know where to start. There's many mean things I'd like to say about your DH right about now, but I'm going to be respectful.

    First off, its not ok for him to be calling you names. Especially in front of your LO. Despite how young he may be, he's picking up on that stuff. And he's just teaching him that its ok to call women these names.

     Have you tried counselling? Or couples counselling?? I'm no therapist, so I don't really feel qualified to be giving advice. But perhaps a counsellor would have some advice as to how you can move forward. Even better if its a couples counsellor, and they can make him realize the error of his ways.

    You seem to be a lot more patient than I am. I'm not sure that I would have stuck around. Even with a LO, I think I would have walked out. BUT, I'm working hard on tolerance and patience. Props to you for having both. :)

    I have to agree with this....and not much gets me worked up too often. However, you know your husband better than us and apparently he does have some redeeming qualities.

  • When posts about your DH get this long it's time to seek professional help.  Your relationship would benefit a lot from marriage counseling.  I say that from someone who has been there and has seen great improvement from counseling. 
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  • image Jelliebean1982:
    When posts about your DH get this long it's time to seek professional help. 

    This.  I read the entire thing, and I cannot say more than this. 

    Actually, I think before marriage counseling, you need to go to counseling yourself to sort through this with a unbiased 3rd party.   It's the perfect time, leave your LO with H for your appts. since he is on summer vacation.  

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  • image katie4253:

    image Jelliebean1982:
    When posts about your DH get this long it's time to seek professional help. 

    This.  I read the entire thing, and I cannot say more than this. 

    Actually, I think before marriage counseling, you need to go to counseling yourself to sort through this with a unbiased 3rd party.   It's the perfect time, leave your LO with H for your appts. since he is on summer vacation.  

    This. 

    Also, there is no way my H would get away with calling me a B any day of the week.  

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  • 1.  The things you're dh has been doing are not right.

    2.  Your dh probably has no idea the things he's doing are not right because it doesn't sound like you've told him.

    3.  It's your job to tell your dh what your expectations are and that you are unhappy.  It should have started a long time ago, and you've built up resentment about things that he cannot go back and change, and it will probably be difficult for you to get over that and move on, but if you want to save your relationship you will need to.

    4.  He should be able and willing to change if you do want to save your relationship and are able to move past the resentment, but you need to communicate, and it sounds like that is really lacking.  I'd highly suggest seeking counseling.  

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  • image vnstacie:
    image katie4253:

    image Jelliebean1982:
    When posts about your DH get this long it's time to seek professional help. 

    This.  I read the entire thing, and I cannot say more than this. 

    Actually, I think before marriage counseling, you need to go to counseling yourself to sort through this with a unbiased 3rd party.   It's the perfect time, leave your LO with H for your appts. since he is on summer vacation.  

    This. 

    Also, there is no way my H would get away with calling me a B any day of the week.  

    Word

    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • image ExpectantSteelerFan:

    1.  The things you're dh has been doing are not right.

    2.  Your dh probably has no idea the things he's doing are not right because it doesn't sound like you've told him.

    3.  It's your job to tell your dh what your expectations are and that you are unhappy.  It should have started a long time ago, and you've built up resentment about things that he cannot go back and change, and it will probably be difficult for you to get over that and move on, but if you want to save your relationship you will need to.

    4.  He should be able and willing to change if you do want to save your relationship and are able to move past the resentment, but you need to communicate, and it sounds like that is really lacking.  I'd highly suggest seeking counseling.  

     

    Oh... he knows. He knows all about it. I have told him how hurt I was by him sleeping through labor. I have told him how hurt I was for our SON that he left our SON at children's hospital hooked up to machines, having several painful tests.I've told him clearly, that I needed his help at night. I begged him to understand that I don't like to ask for help, and I know that's a flaw of mine, so "please don't make me ask you every night, please hear me and just remember that I need you every night. Please, don't make me ask you on a daily basis to help me".

    He knows all about it. He knows I'm frustrated, sad, and unhappy with the manner in which he's been caring for LO and me. That's where the real problems start. It's after these (very rational, calm, reasonable) conversations end, when he pouts, storms off and expects me to allow him to throw a tantrum because someone is calling him out on his shortcoming, and actually expecting him to do something about them. This is the part I become even more frustrated with. He just doesn't know how to put forth any energy.

     

    I thank you all for your comments. And I agree I threw out the "poor me i'm a new mom and i'm tired" car wayyyyyyyyy too much. That is an area I admit needed work. And I've come a long way. But those feelings of being left alone to do this new parent thing by myself are still there, and I am still trying to work through them. I never had that moment in the delivery room where you look up at your strong, supportive husband and fall in love with him all over again. I never had a 3am moment where the three of us rocked together in the dark. I know I'm throwing a pitty part, and I'm just complaining... but these are the things I need to let go. I'm trying to. But as I've explained to my Husband, it's so hard to let the first thing go, when the second, third, 30th and 100th things happen. It's like I can't keep up. I can't work through the first event before I've got ten more (major and minor) to "get over" as well.

    I don't really think my husband is going to be open to couple's counseling. But I think if anything is going to get better it's going to be my doing. So maybe I should go see someone, just to be able to hear someone say "jeez, really? that is pretty crappy. that sucks, and I'm sorry you felt like he just left you alone to care for a new baby all by yourself while he took care of himself. But, here is how you get over it. Here is what you do now. Here is how you stop allowing yourself to be so angry at his mistakes."

    Thanks again ladies 

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  • image magpiebride61210:
    image ExpectantSteelerFan:

    1.  The things you're dh has been doing are not right.

    2.  Your dh probably has no idea the things he's doing are not right because it doesn't sound like you've told him.

    3.  It's your job to tell your dh what your expectations are and that you are unhappy.  It should have started a long time ago, and you've built up resentment about things that he cannot go back and change, and it will probably be difficult for you to get over that and move on, but if you want to save your relationship you will need to.

    4.  He should be able and willing to change if you do want to save your relationship and are able to move past the resentment, but you need to communicate, and it sounds like that is really lacking.  I'd highly suggest seeking counseling.  

     

    Oh... he knows. He knows all about it. I have told him how hurt I was by him sleeping through labor. I have told him how hurt I was for our SON that he left our SON at children's hospital hooked up to machines, having several painful tests.I've told him clearly, that I needed his help at night. I begged him to understand that I don't like to ask for help, and I know that's a flaw of mine, so "please don't make me ask you every night, please hear me and just remember that I need you every night. Please, don't make me ask you on a daily basis to help me".

    He knows all about it. He knows I'm frustrated, sad, and unhappy with the manner in which he's been caring for LO and me. That's where the real problems start. It's after these (very rational, calm, reasonable) conversations end, when he pouts, storms off and expects me to allow him to throw a tantrum because someone is calling him out on his shortcoming, and actually expecting him to do something about them. This is the part I become even more frustrated with. He just doesn't know how to put forth any energy.

     

    I thank you all for your comments. And I agree I threw out the "poor me i'm a new mom and i'm tired" car wayyyyyyyyy too much. That is an area I admit needed work. And I've come a long way. But those feelings of being left alone to do this new parent thing by myself are still there, and I am still trying to work through them. I never had that moment in the delivery room where you look up at your strong, supportive husband and fall in love with him all over again. I never had a 3am moment where the three of us rocked together in the dark. I know I'm throwing a pitty part, and I'm just complaining... but these are the things I need to let go. I'm trying to. But as I've explained to my Husband, it's so hard to let the first thing go, when the second, third, 30th and 100th things happen. It's like I can't keep up. I can't work through the first event before I've got ten more (major and minor) to "get over" as well.

    I don't really think my husband is going to be open to couple's counseling. But I think if anything is going to get better it's going to be my doing. So maybe I should go see someone, just to be able to hear someone say "jeez, really? that is pretty crappy. that sucks, and I'm sorry you felt like he just left you alone to care for a new baby all by yourself while he took care of himself. But, here is how you get over it. Here is what you do now. Here is how you stop allowing yourself to be so angry at his mistakes."

    Thanks again ladies 

    It's not going to get better if it is only you.  The fact that you think this is telling.

    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • image katie4253:
    image magpiebride61210:
    image ExpectantSteelerFan:

    1.  The things you're dh has been doing are not right.

    2.  Your dh probably has no idea the things he's doing are not right because it doesn't sound like you've told him.

    3.  It's your job to tell your dh what your expectations are and that you are unhappy.  It should have started a long time ago, and you've built up resentment about things that he cannot go back and change, and it will probably be difficult for you to get over that and move on, but if you want to save your relationship you will need to.

    4.  He should be able and willing to change if you do want to save your relationship and are able to move past the resentment, but you need to communicate, and it sounds like that is really lacking.  I'd highly suggest seeking counseling.  

     

    Oh... he knows. He knows all about it. I have told him how hurt I was by him sleeping through labor. I have told him how hurt I was for our SON that he left our SON at children's hospital hooked up to machines, having several painful tests.I've told him clearly, that I needed his help at night. I begged him to understand that I don't like to ask for help, and I know that's a flaw of mine, so "please don't make me ask you every night, please hear me and just remember that I need you every night. Please, don't make me ask you on a daily basis to help me".

    He knows all about it. He knows I'm frustrated, sad, and unhappy with the manner in which he's been caring for LO and me. That's where the real problems start. It's after these (very rational, calm, reasonable) conversations end, when he pouts, storms off and expects me to allow him to throw a tantrum because someone is calling him out on his shortcoming, and actually expecting him to do something about them. This is the part I become even more frustrated with. He just doesn't know how to put forth any energy.

     

    I thank you all for your comments. And I agree I threw out the "poor me i'm a new mom and i'm tired" car wayyyyyyyyy too much. That is an area I admit needed work. And I've come a long way. But those feelings of being left alone to do this new parent thing by myself are still there, and I am still trying to work through them. I never had that moment in the delivery room where you look up at your strong, supportive husband and fall in love with him all over again. I never had a 3am moment where the three of us rocked together in the dark. I know I'm throwing a pitty part, and I'm just complaining... but these are the things I need to let go. I'm trying to. But as I've explained to my Husband, it's so hard to let the first thing go, when the second, third, 30th and 100th things happen. It's like I can't keep up. I can't work through the first event before I've got ten more (major and minor) to "get over" as well.

    I don't really think my husband is going to be open to couple's counseling. But I think if anything is going to get better it's going to be my doing. So maybe I should go see someone, just to be able to hear someone say "jeez, really? that is pretty crappy. that sucks, and I'm sorry you felt like he just left you alone to care for a new baby all by yourself while he took care of himself. But, here is how you get over it. Here is what you do now. Here is how you stop allowing yourself to be so angry at his mistakes."

    Thanks again ladies 

    It's not going to get better if it is only you.  The fact that you think this is telling.

    Word. I took your first post as typical new Mom, changed relationship jitters. The more you post the more I think there's deeper issues here and it's not just you.

    H and I don't have a perfect relationship by any means but deep down at the end of the day, I know he would do anything for me and do what it takes to make us succeed without complaint.  Like Katie said, the fact you don't think you have this is telling.

     

  • Wow. I totally get where you are coming from. And I will be the one to tell you, ok, since none of these other women are. You are right. What your husband did is very, very crappy. I can't believe he slept through your labor! Not "accidentally" slept through it, which would have been bad enough, but woke up long enough to look at you then put a pillow over his head?? I'm sorry to say it, but what an ***! And IMO, you DO NOT sound like a martyr. You sound like a woman who thought she was going to go on this journey with her husband, her partner; to create this new, beautiful life together and enjoy all the ups and downs that go with it, and instead you've been dealt this man who doesn't seem to want to help you at all. And doesn't seem to want to spend time with the beautiful life the two of you have created together. Of course you're hurt! I'd be devastated. I do not understand men who don't look into the faces of their offspring and not feel the overwhelming love and awe that I do when I look at my son. I can't believe he'd rather watch tv than enjoy his kid. Especially when you are so interactive with LO all day, the least he can do is play with him for an hour while you shower. UGH! So you are probably feeling hurt, confused, overwhelmed, and lost. The life you thought you were going to have is not happening. You didn't get those quiet moments where the 2 of you enjoyed your new addition, and looked into each others' eyes and said, "we did it"! I feel for you, sweetie. I understand where you are coming from.

    Now is not the time to say, well, you knew this when you married him. Yes, you knew his flaws, but they were something you could live with as a husband. Unfortunately, you are discovering now that they are not something that are acceptable to you as a father. So now, you have to reevaluate your life plan, and decide if it will include your husband. I believe divorce is a last-ditch option. I'm one of the few who actually believe in the sacred vows of marriage..LOL. So I do believe you should do EVERYTHING you can to make this work. Talk his ear off. Nag nag nag. Try counseling. Try EVERYTHING, although it sounds like you've explained to him what you need. But you need to realize that you need to do what's best for you- and naturally what follows will be best for your LO.  Be strong. I feel so bad for you; every woman deserves what you wanted and need from your husband, and I hate you aren't getting it. Peace and luck and love to you :)

  • image rapunzel624:

    Wow. I totally get where you are coming from. And I will be the one to tell you, ok, since none of these other women are. You are right. What your husband did is very, very crappy. I can't believe he slept through your labor! Not "accidentally" slept through it, which would have been bad enough, but woke up long enough to look at you then put a pillow over his head?? I'm sorry to say it, but what an ***! And IMO, you DO NOT sound like a martyr. You sound like a woman who thought she was going to go on this journey with her husband, her partner; to create this new, beautiful life together and enjoy all the ups and downs that go with it, and instead you've been dealt this man who doesn't seem to want to help you at all. And doesn't seem to want to spend time with the beautiful life the two of you have created together. Of course you're hurt! I'd be devastated. I do not understand men who don't look into the faces of their offspring and not feel the overwhelming love and awe that I do when I look at my son. I can't believe he'd rather watch tv than enjoy his kid. Especially when you are so interactive with LO all day, the least he can do is play with him for an hour while you shower. UGH! So you are probably feeling hurt, confused, overwhelmed, and lost. The life you thought you were going to have is not happening. You didn't get those quiet moments where the 2 of you enjoyed your new addition, and looked into each others' eyes and said, "we did it"! I feel for you, sweetie. I understand where you are coming from.

    Now is not the time to say, well, you knew this when you married him. Yes, you knew his flaws, but they were something you could live with as a husband. Unfortunately, you are discovering now that they are not something that are acceptable to you as a father. So now, you have to reevaluate your life plan, and decide if it will include your husband. I believe divorce is a last-ditch option. I'm one of the few who actually believe in the sacred vows of marriage..LOL. So I do believe you should do EVERYTHING you can to make this work. Talk his ear off. Nag nag nag. Try counseling. Try EVERYTHING, although it sounds like you've explained to him what you need. But you need to realize that you need to do what's best for you- and naturally what follows will be best for your LO.  Be strong. I feel so bad for you; every woman deserves what you wanted and need from your husband, and I hate you aren't getting it. Peace and luck and love to you :)

     

    Thank you... a million times, thank you.

     

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  • First of all, you are right to feel the way you do. I don't know your DH and I'm not going to bash him, but the things that he did would hurt me and piss me off too. Don't doubt that about yourself.

    Second, You absolutely need to see a therapist yourself. That's definitely the first step and will be valuable to you regardless. However, you two do need couples counseling. If he's unwilling, to me that would mean he's unwilling to be in an adult relationship. No one said marriage would be easy or fun all of the time. Its work, and sometimes it makes us all face things about ourselves that we'd rather not face. My husband has told me truths about myself I never wanted to see and it pissed me off at first. I hated it. I know he's felt the same. But when we came back, we worked on things and we're both better for it. Yeah, it sounds cliche, but those cliches are the truth about how we grow up and into better people.

    You have a child, and your husband's actions don't just have an effect on you, they have an effect on the person your son will become. Is this the behavior you want modeled for him? The kind of marriage you'd want him in? Be strong! I hope you can work things out in whatever way will be best for everyone. 

     

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  • *hugs* I feel for you and am actually dealing with a lot of this myself. The difference is that my DH is trying when I sit down and talk with him about it. 

    My suggestion is to sit and talk with him, if that doesn't help tell him you two need counseling, if he refuses or if it doesn't work then you have some big decisions to make. It sounds like you are doing this 99% on your own anyways so you know you can do it and you may be happier finding someone that contributes more...

    These are just my thoughts and I have some issues with my own relationship, like everyone, but I feel you deserve better and I hope things get better for you.
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  • 1) You are holding on tight to events that happened 11 months ago. You're still upset because he slept while you were in labor? Was he expected to stay up for 26 hours straight and then be the perfect support system? My husband slept through part of my 27 hour labor. I encouraged it. I needed him to be well-rested for the pushing and everything that came after. It's also striking that part of what you're upset about was that your parents were impressed with how supportive he was. I understand being upset about him not being there for you and your baby when he was in the hospital and all, but the bottom line is that you are going to have to forgive him and move on if you have any chance of salvaging your marriage. The fact that you are stuck on these events 11 months later really strongly suggests that you need to work on acceptance and letting go.

    2) Marriage therapy can help you identify the processes-- to which you both contribute-- that help maintain the problems in your relationship. It gives you the opportunity to both set goals and identify ways in which you can individually help achieve those goals.

    3) Name calling is never a component of a healthy marriage.  

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  • image rapunzel624:

    Now is not the time to say, well, you knew this when you married him. Yes, you knew his flaws, but they were something you could live with as a husband. Unfortunately, you are discovering now that they are not something that are acceptable to you as a father. So now, you have to reevaluate your life plan, and decide if it will include your husband. I believe divorce is a last-ditch option. I'm one of the few who actually believe in the sacred vows of marriage..LOL. So I do believe you should do EVERYTHING you can to make this work. Talk his ear off. Nag nag nag. Try counseling. Try EVERYTHING, although it sounds like you've explained to him what you need. But you need to realize that you need to do what's best for you- and naturally what follows will be best for your LO.  Be strong. I feel so bad for you; every woman deserves what you wanted and need from your husband, and I hate you aren't getting it. Peace and luck and love to you :)

    You are a terrible advice giver.  Really.  Talk his ear off?  Nag nag nag? Now isn't the time to say "you knew what he was like when you married him"?

    And of course, the OP LOVED your advice.  Also telling...

    Yikes.

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  • image katie4253:
    image rapunzel624:

    ...

    You are a terrible advice giver.  Really.  Talk his ear off?  Nag nag nag? Now isn't the time to say "you knew what he was like when you married him"?

    And of course, the OP LOVED your advice.  Also telling...

    Yikes.

     

    I don't think it's terrible advice, she's telling OP that she can't just let this go and can't let her DH think this isn't a big deal. She needs to get his attention somehow to make his see how important it is. They obviously have to do something because he's being a selfish a** through this all and it's not OK. Non-stop nagging is never the way, but I don't think she's telling OP to be a *** to him either. Why do you have to belittle OP because she loved that advice? It wasn't meant for you

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  • image dashtwins:
    image katie4253:
    image rapunzel624:

    ...

    You are a terrible advice giver.  Really.  Talk his ear off?  Nag nag nag? Now isn't the time to say "you knew what he was like when you married him"?

    And of course, the OP LOVED your advice.  Also telling...

    Yikes.

     

    I don't think it's terrible advice, she's telling OP that she can't just let this go and can't let her DH think this isn't a big deal. She needs to get his attention somehow to make his see how important it is. They obviously have to do something because he's being a selfish a** through this all and it's not OK. Non-stop nagging is never the way, but I don't think she's telling OP to be a *** to him either. Why do you have to belittle OP because she loved that advice? It wasn't meant for you

    It is a public message board, and I could read the advice.  It was very bad advice.  I commented.  Guess I missed the memo that it was against the "rules".  Whether or not he is being selfish, being a naggy wife isn't going to solve anything.

    Also, others did say her husband was being redunk and suggested counseling.  However, you cannot ignore that the OP is very rigid in the way she wants things done.  She has clearly played a role in things going south.  If I was up my H's butt all the time about what he could and couldn't do, he wouldn't be as apt to help either.   

    The OP should get into counseling ASAP.  She needs to make herself strong and figure things out.  However, if her H is unwilling to go.  Then, she should also be making an alternative plan.  Plain and simple.  

     

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  • image jupiterthecat:

    1) You are holding on tight to events that happened 11 months ago. You're still upset because he slept while you were in labor? Was he expected to stay up for 26 hours straight and then be the perfect support system? My husband slept through part of my 27 hour labor. I encouraged it. I needed him to be well-rested for the pushing and everything that came after. It's also striking that part of what you're upset about was that your parents were impressed with how supportive he was. I understand being upset about him not being there for you and your baby when he was in the hospital and all, but the bottom line is that you are going to have to forgive him and move on if you have any chance of salvaging your marriage. The fact that you are stuck on these events 11 months later really strongly suggests that you need to work on acceptance and letting go.

    2) Marriage therapy can help you identify the processes-- to which you both contribute-- that help maintain the problems in your relationship. It gives you the opportunity to both set goals and identify ways in which you can individually help achieve those goals.

    3) Name calling is never a component of a healthy marriage.  

     

    While I strongly agree I need to work on letting these events go (and I'm really getting there, but spoke of them in this post to give insight into our history) the point I'm trying to make is it's not just the labor that I'm working on letting go. Not to mention, it sounds like your husband was supportive but took breaks. My husband didn't take a nap. He literally slept through the worst 5 hours of my labor. I was alone. I'm not being dramatic, I was literally alone in a room with my sleeping husband. A nurse would come in and check on me anytime I had been off the baby monitor for too long and would help me back to the bed (I spent a lot of time on the toilet as it was working rather well for my pain. but I wasn't allowed to be off the monitor for more than 10 minutes. So often times, I would fall asleep with my head against the wall in between contractions - ambien induced - and the nurse would come find me.) It sounds like you had a husband who was there, but rested. And honestly... I do think if you and I are supposed to stay awake for 3 days (and it took 3 days to get this baby out) then the husbands can too.

    But again, you're right. It is something that's hard to let go. But I really need to do so. And I was working on letting it go the next day when DH decided he didn't like the lounge chair he had to sleep in at the hospital. So he asked me if I could GET UP OUT OF THE BED so he could get some sleep. Yeah... that happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and he was in the bed, and said "maybe I should get some sleep while you watch the baby".

    I was then trying to get over the labor, and the bed thing, when a few days later DH decided to go play a round of golf while I was at home with the newborn. Then to add to my list, I get left at Children's Hospital for 4 days. Plus don't forget, the man still claims he doesn't know how to put on a diaper the right way, he didn't get up to help even ONCE with the baby until he was 5 almost 6 months old (after I had a major melt down and told him he needed to pull it together). And now I can't leave the house without DH plopping LO down in front of the TV. (this isn't a debate about opinions on TV and infants.) The fact is he knows that the TV is not something we're going to do until LO is 2. But he does it anyway. Why does he need to watch TV with his dad? His dad is well rested, and should be spending quality time with his son. That's the point i'm making about TV time. it just doesn't make sense.

    Not to mention... I have to ask for money to buy underwear. I don't work full time anywhere, and I don't bring in any money. We're on a tight budget, but when a girl is too fat to fit into her old underwear... don't make me feel guilty for needing new ones.

     

    Are you starting to sense my frustration? It's not about the labor... it's about the labor and everything else.

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  • I sounds like such a bad ass compared to your douche husband. I totally rock. sounds like you need to trade in for a new model.
  • nfrtnynfrtny
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    image BestDadEver:
    I sounds like such a bad ass compared to your douche husband. I totally rock. sounds like you need to trade in for a new model.

    Wtf? 

  • I feel really sad for you.  You chose to marry a guy that you knew behaved like a child.  And then you chose to have a baby with this guy who still continued to behave like a child.  My DH may have his shortcomings as any other human being but I know that the moment I ask him to do something he'll do it.  No complaint.  

      Contrary to what one of the other posters said, there are a lot of people out there that don't think divorce should be the quick fix but I also don't believe being miserable in a marriage just to be married.  I do believe you have to try your hardest to make the marriage work, but in the end if you're basically a single mom in a marriage it's not worth it.  You'll grow to resent him and your poor child will feel all this negative energy.

    OP, everything your DH did is horrible but some things you helped attribute to.  Should you have lightened up and just had DH give your baby the bottle so you could get a break?  Yes.  Should you have put aside your frustrations and ask him to rock the baby for the upteenth time?  Yes.  Should you accept the fact that if you don't like the way DH is doing something than don't complain when you choose to do it all yourself?  YES.  Unlike what the other poster said are you a martyr mom?  DEFINITELY.  Being a martyr mom is someone who does absolutely everything under the sun and then does the whole "woes it me" routine.  It just doesn't work.  You end up feeling overwhelmed and pissed off.  Trust me, I learned all of this slowly in the first year of DD's life.  Thankfully I had a husband that listened and supported.  You, apparently, don't have that.  I agree with whomever said you should start with individual counseling and from there get him into marriage counseling.  If he resists than you need to be absolutely clear with him that your marriage is on the edge of tipping over if he doesn't do this.  If he still doesn't agree to counseling by that point than you have your answer. 

    Oh, and nagging is NEVER sound advice.  

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  • image dragon_chica:

    I feel really sad for you.  You chose to marry a guy that you knew behaved like a child.  And then you chose to have a baby with this guy who still continued to behave like a child.  My DH may have his shortcomings as any other human being but I know that the moment I ask him to do something he'll do it.  No complaint.  

      Contrary to what one of the other posters said, there are a lot of people out there that don't think divorce should be the quick fix but I also don't believe being miserable in a marriage just to be married.  I do believe you have to try your hardest to make the marriage work, but in the end if you're basically a single mom in a marriage it's not worth it.  You'll grow to resent him and your poor child will feel all this negative energy.

    OP, everything your DH did is horrible but some things you helped attribute to.  Should you have lightened up and just had DH give your baby the bottle so you could get a break?  Yes.  Should you have put aside your frustrations and ask him to rock the baby for the upteenth time?  Yes.  Should you accept the fact that if you don't like the way DH is doing something than don't complain when you choose to do it all yourself?  YES.  Unlike what the other poster said are you a martyr mom?  DEFINITELY.  Being a martyr mom is someone who does absolutely everything under the sun and then does the whole "woes it me" routine.  It just doesn't work.  You end up feeling overwhelmed and pissed off.  Trust me, I learned all of this slowly in the first year of DD's life.  Thankfully I had a husband that listened and supported.  You, apparently, don't have that.  I agree with whomever said you should start with individual counseling and from there get him into marriage counseling.  If he resists than you need to be absolutely clear with him that your marriage is on the edge of tipping over if he doesn't do this.  If he still doesn't agree to counseling by that point than you have your answer. 

    Oh, and nagging is NEVER sound advice.  

    This is really good advice. 

     There are two things that really bother me about this relationship that I think the OP really needs to address with her husband and a therapist:

    1) He's blowing off any responsibility for his kid's care.  The TV/phone watching is no biggie (to me), but not helping with bedtime, soothing, diapers, etc. is inexcusable.  Even moreso now that he's at home for the summer.  I can easily shrug it off when my husband leaves piles of laundry on the floor or dirty dishes on the counter because I know he would do absolutely anything to meets our children's needs or to help me with them if I'm feeling overwhelmed.  It really seems like your husband needs to reevaluate his priorities.

     2). The name calling and temper tantrums should be a deal-breaker for the OP.  Do you want your son to think that's how you're supposed to treat the people you love? Plus, if his dad doesn't respect you, why should he?  I would also be worried about how your husband treats your child in the future.  Will he call your son names if he gets in the way of dad's computer/TV/napping time?

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  • This may sound harsh, but I am just going to be blunt.

    Get a backbone. You continue to tell him about the things that you have an issue with and he refuses to consider changing and calls you names. This is not what husbands do.

    He is not going to change, the only that can change in this equation is you. Go to some solo counseling, get your self-esteem back (cause you can't have any if you stay with a man that calls you a biitch every day) and take it from there.

    Your son is going to grow up thinking that this is how men treat men. You would be better off raising him yourself, since you are basically a single mom now anyway.

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  • I think by this point I would be giving him an ultimatum.  Either he shaped up and took responsibility and stopped being a huge child, or I'd be leaving.  His actions are beyond ridiculous.
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  • I don't usually post but since it seems like you've gotten plenty of 'swift kick in the pants' already, I thought I'd commiserate with you a little bit. 

    My husband isn't as selfish as yours but I think being the baby of the family did make him a little bit self centered. He loves playing with the kids but he's not much of a nurturer. So most of the feeding, diapering, getting up at night, bathing, etc. falls on me. Sometimes I throw myself a pity party and ask myself why he doesn't magically help out more. And since I've either had a part time job or more recently, been a SAHM, I've let him get away with it.

    But that's the thing. I've let him get away with it. I have no one to blame but myself. The kids and the house are always a mess when I've been away for a few hours and my husband is cranky so I find myself going out alone less often. My husband isn't as good at soothing the baby so I find myself taking over bed time rather than letting someone else rock him to sleep. I could make a whole list.

    So what if it makes your husband cranky to take care of the baby. Ask him to do something and just walk away (leave the house if you have to). He'll do it. So what if he lets the baby watch some TV. If no one is in danger, let him find his own way to being a dad. A baby won't watch TV for hours without some sort of parental attention. And praise him when he does take over baby duties even if he didn't everything the way you would. He, unfortunately, wasn't magically transformed into the best dad in the world the moment your little one was born. He's going to need time and some space to figure it out on his own. After awhile, you might be surprised when he starts enjoying spending time with his baby. 

    Not that I always follow my own advice. I often take on too much in hopes of keeping the peace or trying to feel like a Super Mom. It's easier to pass judgement on others. But hang in there and remember that you're never going to change your husband. You can only change your own expectations, attitude and actions.

    "I can resist anything but temptation." - Oscar Wilde
  • This is a bad situation, and I completely agree with PP's about you needing to go to marriage counseling.  The two of you are not communicating effectively, and there are basic relationship rules being broken...name calling is NEVER ok. (A guy called me a B as a "joke" one time...I flipped him over the back of the couch and he never did it again - stand up for yourself).  Your Hs behavior ensures he doesn't have to engage in the family and do anything.  You need to learn to ask/tell him directly what you want and need from him in a way that he'll hear. He may have been raised as the baby, but he's not one anymore and he needs to "get" that & a 3rd party can help facilitate that. Change will not be easy for either of you, but therapy can help if you're both willing to put in the time and the work that it takes.

    If he refuses to go to counseling, then you have your answer about how invested he is in the relationship.  If that's the case, then you need to go to therapy yourself to process your new status as a single mom.  GL

  • Hands down, plain and simple...go to therapy.  Please.  If not for you, at least for your child.  Sounds to me that there is something underlying going on and you're really holding onto this labor issue.  You need to work it out (for yourself) and go from there.  Make the offer for DH to go with you to therapy, but if he declines, you still need to go. 

    For what its worth, I know a lot of husbands that have slept through labor, that is why they have a pull out chair for husbands to sleep on in the delivery room - at least most that I've seen. My DH snored like a SOB through most of my labor, but I didn't expect him to stay awake through the entire thing.  Someone has to be able to drive us home from the hospital.  My DH also sleeps through both my kids crying out in the middle of the night and doesn't hear a thing, while I get out of bed and tend to them bleary eyed.  My girlfriend's water broke the morning of her birthday, she woke her husband up and told him - he told her happy birthday, rolled over and fell back to sleep.  To me, it's motherhood - that's what we're hard wired for, that's why we carry a child for 9 months - men, not so much. IDK, to me it just really seems like there is a lot more going on that you need to figure out.  Perhaps your resentment is blowing up in his face and he, in turn, is starting to resent you.  It will be a constant cycle if you don't change it. 

    Very sorry you are going through this.  I really hope you can get yourself some help, get back on track and start feeling better soon.

     

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