Parenting

Can I stir sumshit up?

Is anyone still here?

I just have to add that with all of the blow ups about things spouses are allowed to do, not allowed to do, forced to do...I simply don't get the concept of having to "make" your spouse do something or not do something.  I EXPECT him to step up, be an adult, and live up to his responsibilities in life.  And if he wasn't man enough to do that because that's what people do, rather than because I "made" him, then I honestly don't think we'd be married.

The concept is foreign to me.  I'm not being snarky, I just keep seeing references to it.  I don't have control of my husband, but I don't need it.  He's an adult. We're a united front.  We make compromises, accomodate each other, and want each other to be happy even if that means we have to suck up our own personal comfort sometimes or do something we'd rather not.

I don't know why this is bugging me.  Maybe because I'm pretty laid back in general and I don't consider asking my husband to be an adult and a partner controlling.

::sits back and waits for the flames::

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Re: Can I stir sumshit up?

  • Word.

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  • MrsEllMrsEll
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    I haven't been around lately, so I don't know which posts you're referring to. I think I agree with what you're saying, but I do believe that sometimes a spouse might need some encouragement or a reminder of what is fair and reasonable. The story of how we finally ended up with a cleaning lady is what comes to mind for me.
  • I agree with you for my own relationship, but I know other folks that need to parent their husbands because they are still little boys.
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  • Literally walking out the door to play.  I will be back on this one.  Read it quickly and I think I agree. 
  • Oh. 

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  • Expectations, eh?  I don't think you're a cool enough wife. 

     

     

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  • I don't think anyone has an issue with any of the concepts or theories you are talking about or that have been talked about previously but for me, some posters say "make" and are like all, "oh hell no..." and for me I find it disturbing.

    I am like, we are talking about adults, right? I mean, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and I rebel against someone "making" me do something. Maybe it is a poor choice in word usage.

    I am not saying you specifically at all.


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  • ::sits on bench with Irish::   I couldn't agree more.  I mean, sometimes we tell each other that xyz function is important and then we support each other.  I don't think I could handle a marriage to someone that I had to make do things, or conversely felt that I was being made to do things.  I wouldn't be happy that way. 

     
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  • Anecdotal:  I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense.  I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

    It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

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    You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK.  Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.



  • No flames from me. But I understand there are times we may not agree on something and I might have to do some convincing. So far SO has been great with knowing what's important to me. Generally the only times I have to really make him do something is like, watching Water for Elephants instead of Paranormal Activity. 

    I joked about making him come home from a bachelor party, but really I just called him and told him I needed help, and he was happy to come home (ok, maybe not happy, but he knew it was the right thing to do). 

    @guiltypleasures: I had a dream that I went to the garage with @justAphase. We ate speghetti with giant meatballs and I laughed at her for having my balls in her mouth.

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  • No flames - I completely agree!  I guess I really thought about some of those things when I was dating/looking for a spouse.  It was also covered in our premarital counseling - so we discussed a lot of things prior to getting married.  The counseling was great!
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  • image sofamonkey:

    ::sits on bench with Irish::   I couldn't agree more.  I mean, sometimes we tell each other that xyz function is important and then we support each other.  I don't think I could handle a marriage to someone that I had to make do things, or conversely felt that I was being made to do things.  I wouldn't be happy that way. 

    This is what I am trying to say.


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  • image justAphase:

    No flames from me. But I understand there are times we may not agree on something and I might have to do some convincing. So far SO has been great with knowing what's important to me. Generally the only times I have to really make him do something is like, watching Water for Elephants instead of Paranormal Activity. 

    I joked about making him come home from a bachelor party, but really I just called him and told him I needed help, and he was happy to come home (ok, maybe not happy, but he knew it was the right thing to do). 

    Yup.  This happens a lot in our house. 

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    You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK.  Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.



  • I pretty much agree with you, Irish.  I don't see the need to parent my husband.  I might say "I made him do xyz," but that doesn't always mean I truly "made" him do something (more like suggested or requested, but what he ultimately decides to do is on him, and he expects the same from me in return).

    ETA 

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  • image twatley:

    I don't parent my husband, either. But that's not to say that some husbands don't need parenting.

    People make shitty decisions. Sometimes those decisions include marrying douchebags who haven't grown up. Those are the women who generally have to "make" their spouses do things. 

    ITA. And sometimes they aren't intentional douchebags, they just have not been parented all that well before marriage and therefore need to be taught to be all grown up now.

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  • I agree with you.  That's why my post below was about me not even wanting to give an answer on this cookout.  We'll work through it.  In our relationship you do what you're supposed to do and beyond that, you do what you want to do as long as it's not screwing the other person.  We don't ask if we can go out.  We give a head's up and ask if there's anything going on we didn't know about.  Then we go out.  My DH isn't seeing the cookout as a big deal and it truly isn't but it's a bump we have to talk about.  I never want to be that couple who says "My wife won't let me."  Gross.
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  • I guess but in some ways I feel like men just don't see things the way we see them.  For example, we are having a party for the 4th and my husband says, "what do I need to do?"  It's a question that annoys me because we've had parties before so I think he can figure out that he needs to get gas for the grill, ice for the beer, etc. like he always does every time we have a party.  But I ask him (tell him? make him?) to ice down the beer, check the gas for the grill ... etc.
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  • image Scout2005:

    I'm with you, Irish.

    But then we know I'm sanctimonious. And like blue cheese olives

    I haven't stopped thinking of these since you posted about them yesterday or whenever that was. I need them.

    A woman's life is nine parts mess to one part magic, you'll learn that soon enough...and the parts that look like magic turn out to be the messiest of all.
  • image IrishCoffee7:
    image CinemaGoddess:

    Anecdotal:  I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense.  I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

    It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

    IT's always a work in progress.  Part of that work in progress is letting your needs and desires be known in a way that's productive.

    But being with a spouse who WANTS to know what you need and WANTS to partner with you and compromise, to have you feel happy and supported is more what I'm getting at. I'm as imperfect as DH is here but we will both sit down and communicate where things need work in our marriage, and we'll both step up to the plate. 

    If I say "I need you to be more respectful and supportive of my time with my family" (which I HAVE done by the way since my family is the opposite of awesome), he works to respect my needs.

    ETA:  that kind of sounds like I'm giving you marriage advice or something...I'm not.  I'm just laying the expectations I think DH and I both agreed on before we got married, and have worked toward ever since.

     

    We never came up with expectations.  We were already basically married when we got married.  We were, and still are, working on making compromises.

    I tell you what, the babies and the house stuff were some of the most stressful times in our marriage and we survived that.  If we can survive that, we can survive anything I think.

    Even if that means having the occasional, "What in the gotdam hell were you thinking?" argument. 

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    You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK.  Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.



  • I agree with you to an extent but some guys have different backgrounds and upbringings.  For example, I don't know if you are referring to my post from Saturday night about dinner or if you even saw it, but the way H was brought up, the woman takes care of the baby. 

    H is very helpful when I ask him to and sometimes he thinks of stuff to do for DD before I ask him to, but in general, I have to lead him in our parenting of DD.  I don't think of it as a shortcoming or a reason for us not to be together or anything like that.  Just something I need to accomodate in our relationship.  It just means that I have to be more clear when I want him to step in, take over or do something.

    I can't expect him to already know things that I don't tell him.  I don't know if this made any sense.

  • image CinemaGoddess:

    Anecdotal:  I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense.  I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

    It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

    Yeah, but I see a difference.  He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose. 
     
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  • delg23delg23 member
    Yea we don't make each other do anything but if one of us does something the other dislikes we voice our opinion. In that thread she said that she didn't tell her husband not to go because she doesn't make him do things, but they had discussed that he would go and come home sober. The problem is that he didn't adhere to the agreement, not that she should have known that he was going to screw up. And not that she didn't call out from work, she is too controlling, or schedule a babysitter, or see it coming. People screw up. it doesn't mean she has a bad marriage either. But she does have a right to be angry.
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  • image elmoali:
    I agree with you.  That's why my post below was about me not even wanting to give an answer on this cookout.  We'll work through it.  In our relationship you do what you're supposed to do and beyond that, you do what you want to do as long as it's not screwing the other person.  We don't ask if we can go out.  We give a head's up and ask if there's anything going on we didn't know about.  Then we go out.  My DH isn't seeing the cookout as a big deal and it truly isn't but it's a bump we have to talk about.  I never want to be that couple who says "My wife won't let me."  Gross.

    I guess it comes down to what Irish was saying about needs, etc. Like the whole cookout thing - this is something that is important to you. A 4th of July cookout is not a big deal to me so it would not offend me if SO didn't want to go. We live in the south and there are cookouts, fish fries, and crawfish boils almost every weekend.

    It is a big deal though because it is important to you. So you just have to express that to your DH.


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  • image sofamonkey:
    image CinemaGoddess:

    Anecdotal:  I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense.  I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

    It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

    Yeah, but I see a difference.  He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose. 

    No, he's not.  But I didn't see what was discussed yesterday as the H being an obtuse assss on purpose either.  Unless I missed something I didn't see it said that he got too drunk out of spite. 

     

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    Unable to even.  

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    You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK.  Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.



  • image wonkatalia:

    I agree with you to an extent but some guys have different backgrounds and upbringings.  For example, I don't know if you are referring to my post from Saturday night about dinner or if you even saw it, but the way H was brought up, the woman takes care of the baby. 

    H is very helpful when I ask him to and sometimes he thinks of stuff to do for DD before I ask him to, but in general, I have to lead him in our parenting of DD.  I don't think of it as a shortcoming or a reason for us not to be together or anything like that.  Just something I need to accomodate in our relationship.  It just means that I have to be more clear when I want him to step in, take over or do something.

    I can't expect him to already know things that I don't tell him.  I don't know if this made any sense.

    I gotta say that I did feel bad for how that post went.  DH & I talked about that kind of thing before we had kids, and we talk as things come up.  If it was a recurrent annoyance, I'd talk to him.  I didn't mean to come off superior.  Sometimes I have to flat out say "H, take your damn kid" and that's what works for us.  You guys need to find your balance though, and it is hard to do.  Sorry Wonks
     
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  • I agree, but I think an outsider may see our marriage as one of "those." DH gets the big stuff. He's a good husband and father. But there are some times that he may not understand my point of view or realize how something would make me feel until I explain it.

    On the little things.... yeah, many times he just doesn't think about things. He leaves crap laying around and doesn't even notice clutter. Sometimes I have to be a b!tch because he doesn't realize *** needs to be done.

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  • image IrishCoffee7:
    image CinemaGoddess:
    We never came up with expectations.  We were already basically married when we got married.  We were, and still are, working on making compromises.

    I tell you what, the babies and the house stuff were some of the most stressful times in our marriage and we survived that.  If we can survive that, we can survive anything I think.

    Even if that means having the occasional, "What in the gotdam hell were you thinking?" argument. 

    Fair enough.  And yeah some people go through more of a trial by fire...you guys for sure.  Not saying those things can't be worked out "on the job" if needed.  We got lucky having time to set some parameters...and I was hyper obsessed with the idea growing up with a bad marriage as an example.

    It's more the people who seem to have the expectation that you CAN'T treat your spouse as an adult without telling him what to do or being controlling that kind of baffle me.  That IS the premise of the marriage in some cases it seems.

    I'm not saying my H is like that because he does make adult decisions without my help, but what does it matter to you if that's the way other marriages work?  That may work great for another couple.  There are PLENTY of guys that I know that desperately need a good woman to keep them on the straight and narrow path and help them make better decisions.  And I don't see anything wrong with that.

  • I understand what you're getting at IC. 

    It just kind of burns my cookies when what everyone's describing as a "bad" kind of husband is what my husband is like and it's not bad.  He's not bad.   I feel like I have to defend the husbands who make mistakes sometimes because sometimes it's just a mistake and not some kind of slam against the spouse. 

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    Unable to even.  

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    You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK.  Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.



  • image CinemaGoddess:
    image sofamonkey:
    image CinemaGoddess:

    Anecdotal:  I'm married to the kind of person who is super smart but lacks a lot of common sense.  I knew that when I married him and I'm working on getting him to understand why he needs to scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and to call if he's going to be super late after a night out with friends.

    It's a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

    Yeah, but I see a difference.  He isn't being an obtuse asss on purpose. 

    No, he's not.  But I didn't see what was discussed yesterday as the H being an obtuse assss on purpose either.  Unless I missed something I didn't see it said that he got too drunk out of spite. 

     

    Well, the update made me think differently about both of them in that sitch for sure.  Also, if my H promised he'd do something, even if I thought it was unreasonable, I'd hold him to it. 

    In our house, no way would DH be expected to go to a bach party & come home to do anything besides sleep.  Intentionally or not, her H was a total jerk about the situation.  I think that is way different than the dishwaser type scenarios. 

     
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