Parenting

I don't know how I want to react

Isn't that ridiculous? haha  I'm not sure how I feel about this so help me out.

 Every July 4th we go to a cookout thrown by my extended family.  Any get together that doesn't involve DH's friends of family makes him groan because he says he doesn't have anyone to talk to.  But this once a year cookout is the only thing I ever ask him to go to.  This year he wants to go to his brother's house for the day (who we saw last weekend and have seen about 4 other times in the past few months) and have me take Aiden to see my family.

I guess I kind of don't care except that it leaves me with all the kid wrangling while he gets a day totally to himself.  Plus then I have to answer everyone who asks why he isn't there.  Do people care why someone isn't there?  Do they take it personally?  I don't know how to phrase "He got a better invitation" :-p

I honestly am not someone who cares if their DH goes out or whatever but I feel slighted that the only time we're supposed to hang with my family, he wants to bail.

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Re: I don't know how I want to react

  • I would be irritated, but I'm b!tchy that way and he tends to get more free time than I do, (not necessarily his fault.) I think since it's a family thing he should be the one to suck it up. 
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  • I'd be bummed.  I'd tell DH exactly what you have written above.  He can suck it up for 1 day.  If he's crabby about not having anyone to hang with, you can remind him he has a child that would love to spend time with him.
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  • I think he needs to take one for the team here and come with you. It's only fair and it would put you in an awkward position doing the explaining when people will (inevitably) ask where he is.

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  • jess60jess60
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    That would, and has bothered me.  I get that my friends & family aren't nearly as fun as his are but like you, it's not a frequent request.

    What we usually end up doing is spending half the day at one then the other half at the other.  Any way you could split it up like that?


  • image CTGirl30:
    I think he needs to take one for the team here and come with you. It's only fair and it would put you in an awkward position doing the explaining when people will (inevitably) ask where he is.

    This. If he just can't do it then you tell him that you are entitled to a day to yourself while he takes the kiddo to one of his many family get togethers.

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  • image SLHurst11:
    I'd be bummed.  I'd tell DH exactly what you have written above.  He can suck it up for 1 day.  If he's crabby about not having anyone to hang with, you can remind him he has a child that would love to spend time with him.
    This.  Also, he should probably get to know some of your family so he has someone to talk to.  I think it's odd that you are supposed to be cool hanging around his family but not the other way around. 
     
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  • If he's going to be a b*tch about it all day while you're there, I would just go without him.  He won't be any fun anyway.  Next time his family gets together, or just next weekend, you get to take the day off and he can kid wrangle.
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  • Hmm. That's tough. I'd mostly be irritated about the kid wrangling part, but also it seems pretty shiitty that he doesn't want to spend one day with your family. Yeah, that would probably piss me off actually. If you're going to be married to someone, I think it important to be a part of their family (assuming they're not all complete crazycakes). 
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  • Ask him if there's anything you can do to make it more comfortable for him to be there, but tell him that it's a family event and it really means a lot for you that he go with you. FWIW I don't like attending things for my extended family, but I do and DH does because I want LO to have that background of her family and to know her cousins at least a little bit, even extended cousins. DH doesn't "enjoy" himself any more than I do but we both suck it up and go. It's family; it's important.

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  • My DH is not a fan of my family and whenever we were with them he would have an attitude.  It really stressed me out.  I finally put my foot down a few months ago.  I told him that out of respect to me he needs to suck it up, put on a happy face and fake it when around my family.  Now, when my family is around my DH is pleasant and participates, the whole situation is a lot more enjoyable now.   So in my opinion I think your husband needs to man up, go to the function with you and not sulk.

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  • image sofamonkey:
    image SLHurst11:
    I'd be bummed.  I'd tell DH exactly what you have written above.  He can suck it up for 1 day.  If he's crabby about not having anyone to hang with, you can remind him he has a child that would love to spend time with him.
    This.  Also, he should probably get to know some of your family so he has someone to talk to.  I think it's odd that you are supposed to be cool hanging around his family but not the other way around. 

    This, and I think he's being an asss about it. Its once a year, suck it up and deal. Thats not too much to ask considering how often y'all spend time with his family and friends.

    And if you want, throw in a couple of tears (I am not above manipulation as a last resort) and say how you don't feel that he likes your family and how its very clear that people who are important to you are not important to him, blah blah blah.

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  • Pretty sure that when he married you, he married your family so he needs to suck it up and get to know your family.  There will be many more 4th of July family parties so if he starts talking now, come next year he'll have someone to talk to!

    THere have been many times where DH doesnt' want to hang with my family but I give him the evil eye (that involves a lot of huffing and puffing too) and he goes.  My DH gets along great with my family but they're just not as "cool" as his family.

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  • Here's the thing.  Aiden is very attached to my in laws.  I love that but for various reasons (one being that my mother is insane), he doesn't have much of a relationship with my parents.  I'm not crazy close with the people at this cookout but it's the one time a year we all come together and catch up.  I know DH thinks is completely superficial because we don't see each other the rest of the year and I get that.  But it's a tradition I've had my ENTIRE life.  I don't like the idea of Aiden growing up believing that when Daddy's family has a party, we all go.  When Mommy's family has a party, Daddy doesn't have to go.  One of my dad's cousins is married to a man who never ever attends our family functions and we all joke about what a complex it gives us.  It's weird and uncomfortable that someone can't stomach a group of fairly normal people for a few hours over a hot dog, kwim?

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  • image SLHurst11:
    I'd be bummed.  I'd tell DH exactly what you have written above.  He can suck it up for 1 day.  If he's crabby about not having anyone to hang with, you can remind him he has a child that would love to spend time with him.

    This. My family is pretty awkward and not very easy to get along with. We usualyl don't stay long at family gatherings because I don't always feel that comfortable and neither does DH, but when he does start to feel weird, DH will usually just focus all his attention on DS rather than deal with my weird family haha

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  • image overture:
    If he's going to be a b*tch about it all day while you're there, I would just go without him.  He won't be any fun anyway.  Next time his family gets together, or just next weekend, you get to take the day off and he can kid wrangle.

    I'd say this.

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  • image elmoali:

    But it's a tradition I've had my ENTIRE life. 

    I am one of those people that believes you start your own traditions when you have your own family. That being said, go where you want to go. I for one would probably go alone because I rather be alone then have SO there when he does not want to be there. I would just go where I wanted. The kid wrangling thing is a non issue. I am more of a sit and chill person.


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  • I'd tell him that you feel it's important that he attend your function, and that you see his brother over the weekend.

    And I can tell you my family would probably take it personally that DH didn't show up, but would be glad that I was the one with the kids. I would probably word it that his family had something going on too, so you spilt the invites. But I would really want DH to come with me.

  • For a holiday, even a more of a low key one like the 4th, I feel family stuff should be the priority. If he still doesn't agree, make him be the one to take LO then and enjoy your kid-free day. :)
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  • My H hardly ever goes to events for my family because he and mom don't really get along that well. I would never force him to be somewhere he doesn't want to be or where he feels uncomfortable. That being said, I remind him of that every time I go to a function with his family and that it's not helping my mom's level of respect for him at all.
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  • I'd be p!ssed.  Since this is the only thing that you ask him to go to once a year, he needs to suck it up and go.  I'd also be irritated if my DH would rather spend a holiday at his brothers house rather than with me and our kids.
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  • image elmoali:

    Here's the thing.  Aiden is very attached to my in laws.  I love that but for various reasons (one being that my mother is insane), he doesn't have much of a relationship with my parents.  I'm not crazy close with the people at this cookout but it's the one time a year we all come together and catch up.  I know DH thinks is completely superficial because we don't see each other the rest of the year and I get that.  But it's a tradition I've had my ENTIRE life.  I don't like the idea of Aiden growing up believing that when Daddy's family has a party, we all go.  When Mommy's family has a party, Daddy doesn't have to go.  One of my dad's cousins is married to a man who never ever attends our family functions and we all joke about what a complex it gives us.  It's weird and uncomfortable that someone can't stomach a group of fairly normal people for a few hours over a hot dog, kwim?

    You need to talk to him about this stuff. You need to explain that it's the one time you expect him to participate.

    If he wanted to do something else but would see your family the other 12 times of the year you get together, then I'd say let him go. But if this is absolutely the only thing you ask, then he needs to go. 

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  • I am really surprised at the number of people that are saying "make him go." I would never want someone to "make" me go where I am not comfortable. I mean, it is the 4th. Is it that serious?

    OP doesn't even sound like she wants to go.


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  • image mbenit4:

    I am really surprised at the number of people that are saying "make him go." I would never want someone to "make" me go where I am not comfortable. I mean, it is the 4th. Is it that serious?

    OP doesn't even sound like she wants to go.

    This is the crux of the issue.  I don't want to make him go.  But I'd rather he figure out that you don't ask to be excused from ONE family event a year so that I'm not put in the position of having to "permit" or "deny" his request, kwim? 

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  • image IrishCoffee7:
    image mbenit4:

    I am really surprised at the number of people that are saying "make him go." I would never want someone to "make" me go where I am not comfortable. I mean, it is the 4th. Is it that serious?

    OP doesn't even sound like she wants to go.

    I don't expect to have to make my husband particpate in family functions.  We're a family.  My family is his family.  It's not MY obligation that he can choose to spend time with me and our kid or not.  It's OUR obligation as a family.  There are exceptions.  If something really exciting is going on with his friends and I want him to have a good time I tell him to go.  But he assumes just like I do that family functions are to be attended as a family.

    I also think it teaches DS disrespect toward me and my family if he sees that his dad isn't willing to suck it up and be nice once in awhile.  People are so self centered...sometimes you have to do something you don't want to and be around people you don't like.

    I was just expressing that I do not take kindly in anyone attempting to "make" me go where I am uncomfortable.

    That being said, I totally agree with you and you are a family which is why I suggested, starting your own traditions. Something you both like to do and can agree on, etc. I never took it as him shirking spending time with you and your LO. I just took it as he didn't want to go because he didn't feel comfortable. Spending time with you and LO had nothing to do with it for me. For me, the priority is immediate family. This means to me, the people in my house. That is where my obligation lies. Outside family functions are not an obligation in my household. It is the 4th, is it that serious?

    I guess I am self centered because I don't go where I don't feel comfortable.


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  • image elmoali:
    image mbenit4:

    I am really surprised at the number of people that are saying "make him go." I would never want someone to "make" me go where I am not comfortable. I mean, it is the 4th. Is it that serious?

    OP doesn't even sound like she wants to go.

    This is the crux of the issue.  I don't want to make him go.  But I'd rather he figure out that you don't ask to be excused from ONE family event a year so that I'm not put in the position of having to "permit" or "deny" his request, kwim? 

    Oh, I get it.


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  • image mbenit4:

    I am really surprised at the number of people that are saying "make him go." I would never want someone to "make" me go where I am not comfortable. I mean, it is the 4th. Is it that serious?

    OP doesn't even sound like she wants to go.

    I don't think anyone actually said "make him go". What I said is ask him if you can do anything to make him more comfortable, but explain that it's important to you that the whole family go. Not the same thing at all. If my DH pushed back really hard on a once a year family thing, I would be hurt. I would do just as I advised above, and then if he still wanted to go to his brother's, then fine. But I wouldn't like it. Add enough of those kind of things together and you get a lopsided disrespectful marriage and I know it would really affect my marriage. Not this once, but a pattern of not sucking it up and going to my family things or other "responsibility" things.

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  • I would say no way.  Seriously, you see so very little of your family.  Its one friggan day, he  can suck it up. 
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