Blended Families

Visitation ?

If your child or children have not seen the other parent in three years would u force them to go now? Especially if you have no idea how their lifestyle has been for the past three years? TIA
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Re: Visitation ?

  • Unless there a court order in place then I wouldn't bother. Looking back I feel that being forced to meet my dad was a huge mistake on my moms part. I get she was just trying to do right by me but it did absolutely nothing for a "relationship" with my dad.

     

    If the other parent wanted to be involved then why haven't they been around for 3 years? It just seems unnecessary to dig up all that and possibly put your kids through major disappointment.

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  • image jnjmommy0609:

    Unless there a court order in place then I wouldn't bother. Looking back I feel that being forced to meet my dad was a huge mistake on my moms part. I get she was just trying to do right by me but it did absolutely nothing for a "relationship" with my dad.

     

    If the other parent wanted to be involved then why haven't they been around for 3 years? It just seems unnecessary to dig up all that and possibly put your kids through major disappointment.

           He was granted "parenting time".
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  • If he was granted parenting time, is it supervised? I mean, could you go along to ease the transition.

    What is up with being gone 3 years. Yowza~!

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  • image MarSamWhitney:

    If he was granted parenting time, is it supervised? I mean, could you go along to ease the transition.

    What is up with being gone 3 years. Yowza~!

        No, it's not supervised and I moved from Indiana to New York state.  Last time he saw them I had to drive out there and take them to him and pick them up. When i went to get them I had to search all over for him because he didn't want to disclose his address. I want to do the right thing but he makes it very hard, and I don't want my boys to think that I kept them from him and they hate me for it.
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  • I definately wouldn't bring them.  If your ex had wanted to have a relationship with his kids, he would have called, written, emailed, or driven out on his own.  It is not your job to create a relationship. 

    If he is granted "parenting time," let him come to NYS and get it.

  • image SueBear:

    I definately wouldn't bring them.  If your ex had wanted to have a relationship with his kids, he would have called, written, emailed, or driven out on his own.  It is not your job to create a relationship. 

    If he is granted "parenting time," let him come to NYS and get it.

    I would say that the next visit he needs to visit you...you made the first effort and did all the driving and he was being difficult.  I have a co-worker whose exh moved to CA from WI and have two kids together.  He moved about 7 years ago and twice she paid for both of the kids airfare back and forth.  Since then he has only come back to WI once and stop by and saw the kids for an hour since he was in town anyways...never once making the effort to come back to see them exclusively or to fly them back out to CA.  It shouldn't be only one parent's responsibility to get the kids back and forth.

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  • Has he been fighting for visitation since you moved?

    Has he had any kind of contact with them in the last three years?  Has he even tried?

     

  • I wouldn't force them and I wouldn't let him alone with them. There is no reason he would ever have to be gone that long without contact. He choose to leave them out of his life and it's unfair for parents to assume that they can walk back in when they feel it's time to be a parent. Sometimes it's better to have a relationship with your father/mother no matter how small and sometimes it's better to leave them in your past. Is he likely to disappear again? Would it negatively impact them to have him come back in and out again?

    EDIT I assume there has been no regular contact. If there has been that's a different story.

  • image wendilea:

    Has he been fighting for visitation since you moved?

    Has he had any kind of contact with them in the last three years?  Has he even tried?

     

    He hasn't fought visitation since I've moved. In the beginning he said that since I made the move I had to take them to him. I off course said no that if he wanted to see them he had to come here and obviously he said no. He calls very sporadically but he calls when the kids are at school and then after there in bed. He hadn't tried before and now all of a sudden he wants to be involved.
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  • image blush64:

    I wouldn't force them and I wouldn't let him alone with them. There is no reason he would ever have to be gone that long without contact. He choose to leave them out of his life and it's unfair for parents to assume that they can walk back in when they feel it's time to be a parent. Sometimes it's better to have a relationship with your father/mother no matter how small and sometimes it's better to leave them in your past. Is he likely to disappear again? Would it negatively impact them to have him come back in and out again?

    I would say yes to this. My husband has assumed all roles of being a father with the boys and he is wonderful with them. So i don't think it would impact them as much. But they would be let down im sure.
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  • wwnbwwwnbw member
    I wouldn't force them to go. BM left SS for 3 years and I think it would have been so much better if she had just stayed away. Since she has come back it has been nothing but let downs, excuses, and empty promises.
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  • Is there a co in place?

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  • At the very minimum if he wants to see them travel costs should be split.  Is your CO in Indiana or NY?  The jurisdiction for my CO is in Indiana and I believe their "Parenting Time Guidelines" state that transportation should be split.  We also have that specifically stated in our CO.

    I would have a hard time sending them if it's been that long.  BF wants to take my DS at Christmas-time, and if he does it'll have been about a year since he last saw him, and that's really hard for me.  I can't imagine 3 years.  I would definitely tell him he needs to make the effort to see the kids!

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  • image *HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
    Is there a co in place?

    Wow. I posted this hours ago so I have no idea why it just now showed up 

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  • image *HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
    Is there a co in place?

    The order says that I have primary Physical care and control custody of minor children. He was granted parenting time according to the parenting guidelines.

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  • image piffle42:

    At the very minimum if he wants to see them travel costs should be split.  Is your CO in Indiana or NY?  The jurisdiction for my CO is in Indiana and I believe their "Parenting Time Guidelines" state that transportation should be split.  We also have that specifically stated in our CO.

    I would have a hard time sending them if it's been that long.  BF wants to take my DS at Christmas-time, and if he does it'll have been about a year since he last saw him, and that's really hard for me.  I can't imagine 3 years.  I would definitely tell him he needs to make the effort to see the kids!

     It's in Indiana

     

     

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  • If they are requesting to see the kid, I would maybe get to know what's going on over a period of time and then set up a time for a supervised visit and go from there.  The parent has the right to see the child and vice versa. 
  • image angelame1979:
    If they are requesting to see the kid, I would maybe get to know what's going on over a period of time and then set up a time for a supervised visit and go from there.  The parent has the right to see the child and vice versa

    This is good in theory but can be horrible for the child.

  • My opinion here is going to be incredibly biased, so bear with me. If he has had little to no contact with the children and has refused to disclose his address and other information to you, then no. Do not let your children go see him. Make him come to you and stay local where you can keep tabs on him and the kids. If he doesn't agree to this, let him take you to Court. I'm sure a Judge would love to hear his reasons for being absent for 3 years and why he refuses to disclose his address to you.  I don't care what State you're in, I'm sure there is some sort of standard rule that patents must disclose their address and contact info to the other parent (except in DV cases obviously). If you moved more than a year ago, I'm sure NY now holds jurisdiction over your children, and the action would need to be heard in NY courts. 

    Again, my opinion is really biased right now. But you need to worry about your children's safety and best interests, and their father clearly isn't if he's been absent for 3 years.  

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  • *Technically* going by the guidelines (I am in IN), he could have them 7 weeks during the summer. That is with him providing transportation at the start of visits and you providing transportation at the end.

    That said, if he has not had contact with the children for 3 yrs then it is best to do it on familiar grounds until they are comfortable. I would make him come there to see them. Like the others said, if he wants to fight it in court let him.

    ~Amy
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