Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Never thought I would be posting here (no offense to anyone). Lost my little peanut at 10 weeks, baby measured 9 weeks. I had my D&E last Wednesday. I hurt physically and mentally, and for the life of me cannot figure out what I did wrong. I cannot help but to think this is the result of some past indiscretion and this is my taste of karma. The doctor said it was something beyond my control, and I get that, but I just can't stop thinking about what I did wrong. It was supposed to be our miracle baby, after the OB told me I would have a hard time conceiving (due to endo); I could not believe I was going to be a mommy! Then my closest friend found out she's pregnant, and due shortly after me. Several of my friends are also pregnant, and every time I turn around, I'm getting invites to baby showers and sprinkles. How do you deal with this? I really am happy for all of them, but I still can't help but to feel sad, and maybe a little jealous. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent.

*Ovarian laparoscopy 01/24/2012, cysts on both ovaries *BFP #1 05/01/2012. EDD 01/05/2013. Missed m/c 06/09/2012. D&C 06/13/2012. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers image

Re: Where Did I Go Wrong?

  • You didn't do anything wrong. I question myself about this all the time, too. I go back to the exact day she stopped growing and think what I was doing, did I eat enough, etc. Then to the day her heartbeat stopped....what did I do that day?


    I have the same issues where I feel it is something I deserved because of not being a good person in the past or something. Last night I stayed up all night with a highlight reel playing in my head of everything I have ever done wrong. Not so fun. I started feeling like maybe I'm not a good enough person to be a mom, and that's why this happened.

     

    But honestly, I did nothing wrong. Neither did you. The mothers that question if they could have done something else are the ones who I'm sure did everything that they could for their babies.

     

    As for dealing with pregnant women, I totally understand. There are five women at my work who are pregnant, one was due 3 days before me. I don't know how I'm going to dealw ith sittign and watchign her grow at the pace I was supposed to.

     

    Separately, one of my friends just had an abortion, and is trying to talk to me like we are going through the same thing. She has told me I need to just grieve and just let go. I can't stand it. I do not judge her for doing it, it is her personal decision. Nor do I think it was not a hard experience for her. However, it is not the same experience as having your child that you chose to love, keep, and take care of stolen from you. I can not deal with her saying these things to me right now. I don't want to be rude to her, but it is so inconsiderate to me for her to even think she knows what I am going through.

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    My sexy (half)Irish man ;) THE FI.

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    "As long as I live you will live. As long as I live you will be loved."

    BFP#1 3/31/12 (5 weeks) EDD 12/1/12,No HB 6/6/12 (14 weeks 4 days), D&C 6/11/12 (15 weeks 2 days)*Arabella Ann*

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Wow, how could your friend even think you guys are going through the same thing? That boggles my mind. Anyway, I wish the best for you; we will get through this!
    *Ovarian laparoscopy 01/24/2012, cysts on both ovaries *BFP #1 05/01/2012. EDD 01/05/2013. Missed m/c 06/09/2012. D&C 06/13/2012. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers image
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please don't try and figure out "what you did wrong".  There is nothing you could have done differently--losses just happen, and it's frustrating to know that it is something that is so out of our control.

    As far as feeling jealous and upset about all the baby showers etc., that is a natural part of the process as well.  Those mixed emotions are completely normal.  And if you don't feel up to attending some (or all) of those events, that is completely understandable.  Right now the most important thing is to take care of yourself.

    Many many (((hugs)))

    TTC #1 since November 2011
    ** BFP #1 - M/C at 6 weeks 4/13/2012 **
    ** BFP #2 - expecting a little leprechaun!! EDD 3/21/13 | HB 7/30/2012 (6w3d) **
    NT Scan 9/4 - looked great! | Grow, baby, grow!!! | A/S 10/29

    ***All AL always welcome***
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    Yeah, I don't really get how she actually thinks it's the same either. But I actually even have another coworker who has had an abortion in the past and said, "you know I understand what you're going through." It infuriates me. Ugh. I'm so sorry for your loss, keep being strong.

     

     

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image
    My sexy (half)Irish man ;) THE FI.

    image

    "As long as I live you will live. As long as I live you will be loved."

    BFP#1 3/31/12 (5 weeks) EDD 12/1/12,No HB 6/6/12 (14 weeks 4 days), D&C 6/11/12 (15 weeks 2 days)*Arabella Ann*

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss. Know that the women here are a wonderful support system anytime you need to vent or a shoulder to lean on. I agree with the PP when she said know that nothing was your fault. We all go through the blame game and believe it was something we did, and we all hate the answer that they can't tell us why it happened... it sucks.

    Dealing with pregnant women is hard. My bestie had her second little one just 2 weeks before I MC and I couldn't go around her for 2 months after I MC. Do not force anything in your greiving process. If you are not ready to go to a baby shower - do not go. I know it is hard to be happy for others, I have many pregnant friends... and it took me awhile to even congratulate them.

    As I said before, anytime you need a shoulder to lean on - we are here. Thoughts and prayers heading your way and lots of hugs!!

    BFP #1 2/24/2012 * EDD 11/2/12 * US w/HB 3/20/12 * MC @ 12wks 4/19/2012 Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • T&P for you. You did nothing wrong. Same thing happened to me and its ok to feel jealous and angry, you have all the right to do so. Im going through the same thing. All of my friends got pregnant right after i met them and they were having trouble too. When i Finally got pregnant i lost the baby and all my friends are still pregnant. Take a vacation and time off from things that remind you of it. My DH is taking me on a cruise and cocoa beach. I need it after 3 losses in 1 year. You should too. It would be good for you eve if its time off to write some poetry or take pics of insignificant things :) Dont feel bad about posting here its where you will get responses from people who feel the same way, have had the same situation happen to them, and will give you comfort too and ideas on how to overcome. :)
  • of course you did nothing wrong, i suspect deep down we all know that but if we had a reason of sorts, maybe we would feel better knowing the cause.  its likely we will never know.

    for those that posted about friends having abortions that feel they are in the same boat, wow, if i may be so blunt, thats seriously messed up.  extra hugs your way to help deal with people's ignorance, geesh. <<hope that wasnt too harsh but im prepared for any backlash, lol.

    today i found out the results of my first blood test which was administered prior to finding out the baby's heart stopped beating.  blood test was 6/11, US confirming no heartbeat was 6/12.  anyway, the results were perfect, HCG levels and everything.  talk about questioning yourself and what went wrong. 

    i also struggle with a catch 22 i find myself in; on the one hand, no one seems to want to talk to me about this because its just too emotional, on the other, i dont feel like talking to anyone anyway.  wth is wrong with me, lol?

    anyway wishing you a speedy recovery.  nothing i think will ever satisfy our desire to know what happened, and that hurts, but we will get through it. 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    5/25: BFP EDD: 1/25/13, 6/12: No HB detected, 6/22: MC via Cytotec. Informed of possible bicornuate uterus.
    10/2: BFP EDD: 6/1/13, 10/20: Natural MC
    12/10: ultrasound w/saline confirms septate uterus (almost complete septate). Surgery to correct scheduled 1/11/13; surgery postponed while trying to determine next course of action given results of karyotyping
    Diagnosed with balanced reciprocal translocation genetic issue
    Surgery rescheduled for 3/13/13.
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  There is nothing that you did wrong, I know it's hard and you want to blame something but please don't blame yourself.  I truly don't think that a miscarriage is karma for anything you've done in the past, it's just an incredibly sad, heartbreaking thing that happens to all kinds of people. 

    It is really hard seeing people that are pregnant that are due around when you would be.  My SIL is 12 weeks, so I should have been ahead of her if I hadn't had my second loss, or behind her if I hadn't had my third loss.  Seeing her is so difficult, but I do love her and my niece or nephew to be so I try to just do the best I can.  My best advice to you is to take it one day at a time, if you can't do that take it one hour at a time, if you can't do that take it one minute at a time, and if you can't do that take it one breath at a time.  You will get through this (( Hugs ))

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  • You didn't do anything wrong at all and neither did I.  I just found out yesterday- I was 11 weeks and baby measured 9 weeks.  I feel so sad and my emotions are just so up and down.  I've cried and I've just thought but I do know that I couldn't have prevented it.  I believe that God has a plan for everything and I am just trying to accept that and know that we will be able to try again when we are ready.  Hang in there and I def know what you are going through. 

    As far as other people being pregnant- I too feel jealousy but I just try and remember that if it was me (when i do get my time) I'd want to enjoy every minute of it. 

    I still haven't passed the baby yet- my appointment is set up for Thursday unless it happens naturally and I am terrified.  I am ready for it tho so that way I can start healing mentally and physically.  GL and you are in my prayers.

     

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  • Thank you all for the kind words and thoughtfulness. Since I posted here, I did go away on vacation which really, really helped me get my mind together. I still have bad days, yesterday being one of them (I went for my four week check-up). And sadly, my best friend lost her baby yesterday, which dug up emotions. In a way, I sort of see my loss as a blessing, I can now be strong for her and help her through her trying time. Funny how these things work out. Thoughts and prayers to you all :)
    *Ovarian laparoscopy 01/24/2012, cysts on both ovaries *BFP #1 05/01/2012. EDD 01/05/2013. Missed m/c 06/09/2012. D&C 06/13/2012. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers image
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