August 2012 Moms

Would I be better off alone?

Hey all.

Let me tell you about me and my partner, Now this is mostly gonna be a rant/vent thing, but if anyone does want to answer I will be grateful.

Me and my partner have known each other for 10 years, but only been together for  21/2 and living together for a year. I discovered I was pregnant around xmas time and we were both excited and rather nervous. After a while I sat and thought about it seriously. My fallopian tubes are partly collapsed after an isotopic pregnancy from when I was much younger and I was told the chances of me getting naturally pregnant were less than 4%. Because he is currently here on a temporary visa from Australia and I'm a mature student it raised alot of questions about our future. But because the chances were so slim, I took the chance and decided to keep the baby. 

Both of us have very little in the way of support from our families, my parents are separated so I have two family's to gain support from but my dad side are strict catholic and are VERY against me keeping the baby so i'm pretty much cut off from them, my mum's side are much more keen but they live around 6 hours away so I have no physical support and they are not greatly financially supported themselves so I loath to take money from them. And of course all his family live in Australia so they cannot physically support us and he also does not wish to take money from them. 

So we NEED to depend on each other. The problem is.. he isnt pulling his weight. He works long shifts and says he works hard.. but he spends alot of time at work on facebook or playing games on his iphone. Because he works long hours I tend to be alone most of the day and with no friends or family to visit I tend to sit around the flat getting depressed and bored. My midwife has suggested I keep busy, to help with my depression but my doctors have told me to rest since my pregnancy is very complicated as I lost my mucus plug and I'm leaking fluid So i spend my life between the hospital and flat and alone. 
Because I was getting so lonely and depressed I started to have "dark moments" so I got alittle puppy to keep me company this helped wonderfully but I found I'm looking after the puppy alone and slowly realised that I was alone.

Things my partner wont do;
Feed, walk, play with the dog. 
He wont clean up the dog waste on the puppy pad and he left it once three days before I gave in and cleaned it myself. 
He wont empty the normal bin - because it smells,
He hasn't help buy anything for the baby ie;
No clothes,
no nappies,
no toys,
no essentials,
no large items - Pram, crib etc
He hasn't bought food or toys for the puppy EVER
If I cook a meal he doesn't wash up EVER
After I wash the pots he uses them again and leaves them for me to clean.
He rarely purchases shopping, unless I tell him too.
He spent the SAME amount of money I have spent on the baby on BOOZE!
No really - large bottles of whisky, rum crates of cider.
He literally comes home sits down with a alcoholic drink and spends another 2/3 hours up drinking before coming to bed.
He will sleep in to 1/2pm everyday meaning I have to get up feed the dog, take it for morning walk, clean the pots from last nights drinking/feeding session. - if I dont he just leaves them.. i waited over 3 days and eventually had to wash 3 days worth of stuff. 

This morning I got up to feed the dog and realised that the puppy had chewed through my pc cable, and managed to grab my teddy from the side table and gut it, the teddy I have had since I was a baby. I was heartbroken, when I tried to wake him he just said so its your dog. 
So I shut the dog in the bedroom with him to calm down with a cup of tea the dog was whining so much he let it out and told me off for shutting it in. 
which let to an argument eventually the money came up and he said well I never asked for the dog. When I asked did he feel the same way about the baby he just stormed back to the bedroom and slammed the door.

Leaving me stood there with the feeling he doesn't want the baby either.
I love him, I really do.. but He so lazy and unmotivated that I'm fed up of it all.
We haven't been intimate for a while, but he expects me to give him oral when he has the urge.. and he spends alot of time watching porn, mostly after I gone to bed or in the shower. 

I really just feel like walking away from it all..
My mum is coming down in a few weeks and I'm tempted to just go back with her. 

He just doesn't seem ready to give up his "youth" we're both 26 but he acts like he is 18 and I'm going on 36..

Feeling better now...

I actually written this out twice xD I wrote about 3 A4 pages first time and just trimmed it down. Their really is so much more I can tell you, like how he said i'm using the pregnancy to be lazy. eve thou he knows I'm under doctors orders to rest and do as little as possible..

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

EDIT - Ok, their seems to be some confusion here, we BOTH agree'd on the puppy. 

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Re: Would I be better off alone?

  • I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a few bouts of depression in the past couple months and it is very hard. 

    I would say it sounds like your partner needs some serious guidance. I can understand him not wanting to help with  the puppy if he sees it as "yours", at the same time he should realize you got it to help yourself get out of a dark place and stay busy. 

    It does seem ridiculous that he won't help buy anything baby related or not. Does he feel the same way about the baby as he does the puppy? (I know you posed this question in a way in your post) Was he supportive in your decision to keep the baby, possibly he didn't/doesn't want it and therefore feels no obligation to you and the baby.

    As a reply to your title question, it sounds to me like you are already alone. If you can't name anything he IS doing to help out with you, buying supplies, cleaning, etc then all it's doing is putting more stress on you. I know it's a rough situation since your family is so far but maybe getting away will help...

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  • I think only you can answer that question, of whether or not you would be better off alone.  Is it possible for you to visit your mom for a few weeks to clear your mind and get a better grip on what you want (and also what he wants)?


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  • First off, I am sorry you are going through all of this. Let me preface my next statement by letting you know I am quite dismissive and stern in the way I see and handle things. With that, I think one option you have is to sit him down and see what he really feels. I would suggest doing this without him having a drinking binge. If he is not willing to talk, or walks away, etc-that is your answer. Many times women want to see things the way they wish things to go or hope for them to go, and more often than not-they lead themselves into a viscious cycle of unhappiness. On the flipside, if he is willing to sit down and talk with you-be honest with him, let him know you are considering just going home with your mom and see what he says. Dont make it a blame game, just let him know you are concerned about the best interest of the baby and want to make sure LO gets the most she can-so you can either choose to do that together or you can be closer to family for the support, but you need support in some way, shape or form. Let him tell you what he thinks and LISTEN to what he says-if he says its OK for you to go home with your mom, you have your answer. If he says he wants to work it out with you, then ask him what that means because right now you feel you are not getting support while carrying the baby. Overall, he does not seem supportive at all, and I feel the drinking is his escape from reality (and something I dont agree with whatsoever, personally). I feel he has a lack of maturity and is unable to accept the responsibility of having a baby and that is why he is acting the way he is.

    At the end of the day-it really doesnt matter what we say you should/could do. You have to sit down and think of what you want for yourself and your baby (who is top priority as you know). Only you can determine what is good enough for you and what you are willing to put up with. If you feel like walking away and you think it is best-then go home and be with your mother who can support you emotionally and provide a healthier environment. Dont make it harder on you than it needs to be already.

    I hope you find comfort in whatever you decide!

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  • He sounds like a complete as*hole.  If he won't even pitch in with the dog, he probably won't be much help with a baby.

    It sounds like he is resentful you are pregnant and is withdrawing from you.  Have you talked to him about any of this without it turning into a fight?  You can always try counseling, but honestly?  If he doesn't agree to go with you, you should cut your losses and move on.  Your lives are about to change drastically and if he's not on board now, he probably won't ever be.

    Good luck to you. 

     






     

  • image danielle2583:

    It does seem ridiculous that he won't help buy anything baby related or not. Does he feel the same way about the baby as he does the puppy? (I know you posed this question in a way in your post) Was he supportive in your decision to keep the baby, possibly he didn't/doesn't want it and therefore feels no obligation to you and the baby.

    I asked him, time and time again. I said what are your feelings and thoughts. I even asked him point blank do you want to keep the baby? I asked him all this well in advance. He kept saying he wanted the baby, etc.. I asked again around 23 weeks when I had a very bad episode of depression, and he hinted at abortion. It left me alittle confused. Up to that point he had been seemly supportive but about the same time I started to fully show. Before that point I had been lucky not to be showing, it was around this time our relationship went sour as did our sex life.  

    I also point blank refused to have an abortion. The baby was already alive to me, I had felt her moving and kicking from early on. I couldn't/wouldn't kill the baby, after having to have an abortion due the isotopic pregnancy I never wanted to go through that again.

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  • Hmmm. I can see both sides of the issue. On one hand, if he is the one working to support you guys and you are staying at home (not sure I got that right, but my guess based on what you've said), I can see how he would feel like you owe a little more in the helpig-around-the-house department. But on the other hand, when you are pregnant and depressed, you need a lot of help around the house. Then I can see how if you got the dog because you wanted it and didn't really consult him, he might not have an interest in the extra works that comes along with it. I can also see how you would resent him not buying stuff for the baby, but I think dudes are so naturally inclined to know what to do for a coming baby, so sometimes you have to tell them. For every issue you brought up, I can honestly see both of your sides! All in all, if you guys love each other and have the ability to communicate and work through issues together, then the relationship might be worth saving. But if you really don't find it possible to talk about all this with him, or he's really not responsive at all, then I can't see the relationship working out long-term. All that being said, I chose to leave my daughter's father back when I was pregnant with her and it made for a bigtime struggle throughout pregnancy and the early years, but now, 9 years later, all is good, and I am way happier in a marriage with someone that I can talk to and work through issues with. And this pregnancy is way easier. Be honest with yourself and decide if the two of you have the ability to work together as a team through all the struggles of pregnancy, raising babies, and a lifetime together!
  • irerirer
    Ninth Anniversary
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    image TessaheartLuke:
    image danielle2583:

    It does seem ridiculous that he won't help buy anything baby related or not. Does he feel the same way about the baby as he does the puppy? (I know you posed this question in a way in your post) Was he supportive in your decision to keep the baby, possibly he didn't/doesn't want it and therefore feels no obligation to you and the baby.

    I asked him, time and time again. I said what are your feelings and thoughts. I even asked him point blank do you want to keep the baby? I asked him all this well in advance. He kept saying he wanted the baby, etc.. I asked again around 23 weeks when I had a very bad episode of depression, and he hinted at abortion. It left me alittle confused. Up to that point he had been seemly supportive but about the same time I started to fully show. Before that point I had been lucky not to be showing, it was around this time our relationship went sour as did our sex life.  

    I also point blank refused to have an abortion. The baby was already alive to me, I had felt her moving and kicking from early on. I couldn't/wouldn't kill the baby, after having to have an abortion due the isotopic pregnancy I never wanted to go through that again.

    Wait, let me get this straight-he hinted that you get an abortion at 23 weeks? For real?  

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  • image irer:
    image TessaheartLuke:
    image danielle2583:

    It does seem ridiculous that he won't help buy anything baby related or not. Does he feel the same way about the baby as he does the puppy? (I know you posed this question in a way in your post) Was he supportive in your decision to keep the baby, possibly he didn't/doesn't want it and therefore feels no obligation to you and the baby.

    I asked him, time and time again. I said what are your feelings and thoughts. I even asked him point blank do you want to keep the baby? I asked him all this well in advance. He kept saying he wanted the baby, etc.. I asked again around 23 weeks when I had a very bad episode of depression, and he hinted at abortion. It left me alittle confused. Up to that point he had been seemly supportive but about the same time I started to fully show. Before that point I had been lucky not to be showing, it was around this time our relationship went sour as did our sex life.  

    I also point blank refused to have an abortion. The baby was already alive to me, I had felt her moving and kicking from early on. I couldn't/wouldn't kill the baby, after having to have an abortion due the isotopic pregnancy I never wanted to go through that again.

    Wait, let me get this straight-he hinted that you get an abortion at 23 weeks? For real?  



    For real, Here we can have an abortion upto 25weeks but you have to have a doctors ok to do this. I felt my little Melody kicking at 16 weeks and I knew she was alive. 
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  • image TessaheartLuke:
    image irer:
    image TessaheartLuke:
    image danielle2583:

    It does seem ridiculous that he won't help buy anything baby related or not. Does he feel the same way about the baby as he does the puppy? (I know you posed this question in a way in your post) Was he supportive in your decision to keep the baby, possibly he didn't/doesn't want it and therefore feels no obligation to you and the baby.

    I asked him, time and time again. I said what are your feelings and thoughts. I even asked him point blank do you want to keep the baby? I asked him all this well in advance. He kept saying he wanted the baby, etc.. I asked again around 23 weeks when I had a very bad episode of depression, and he hinted at abortion. It left me alittle confused. Up to that point he had been seemly supportive but about the same time I started to fully show. Before that point I had been lucky not to be showing, it was around this time our relationship went sour as did our sex life.  

    I also point blank refused to have an abortion. The baby was already alive to me, I had felt her moving and kicking from early on. I couldn't/wouldn't kill the baby, after having to have an abortion due the isotopic pregnancy I never wanted to go through that again.

    Wait, let me get this straight-he hinted that you get an abortion at 23 weeks? For real?  



    For real, Here we can have an abortion upto 25weeks but you have to have a doctors ok to do this. I felt my little Melody kicking at 16 weeks and I knew she was alive. 

    Whoa.  My father did this to my mom (they weren't married, and they weren't really in a relationship either), and she completely cut them off.  You *can* raise this child on your own with a good support network.  It sounds like staying with him and hearing this is affecting your mood as well. 



    DX: Endometriosis and Anovulatory Cycles 3/09
    Laparoscopy/Cystectomy 9/11
    Clomid 50mg 10/11, BFN
    Clomid 150 mg 11/11, BFP!
    Leo Nicholas, due 8/18/12, born 8/21/12 via c-section

    Trying for #2
    Right Unilateral Salpingo-Oophrectomy, 2/14
    Natural cycle 5/14, BFN
    Clomid 50mg 6/14, BFN
    Clomid 100 mg 7/14



  • Ok, I've spoken to him about going home, It ended with an argument and he stormed off to somewhere with out a goodbye or anything. Took his work bag with him so it seems he wont be coming back before work.

    he said; 

    "Maybe you going back to your mums is for the best, but your still going to pay your half of the rent right?"

    So I've had alittle sob and now gonna ring my midwife and ask about transferring everything to my mum's hospital and such. 
    I do feel that if I go home.. I might not be coming back though, but I don't need all this. 
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  • Why dont you work? If you are 26, shouldnt you have a job? That would help you with this depression. You wouldnt be lying around all day looking at what is wrong. As far as the father of your child, you are stuck now.  Do for yourself, pick yourself up, perhaps get a part time job and start saving for this baby. How do you have medical insurance and income beyond him?  I hope this all works out for you in the end and wish you the best.
  • image Reilly626:
    Why dont you work? If you are 26, shouldnt you have a job? That would help you with this depression. You wouldnt be lying around all day looking at what is wrong. As far as the father of your child, you are stuck now.  Do for yourself, pick yourself up, perhaps get a part time job and start saving for this baby. How do you have medical insurance and income beyond him?  I hope this all works out for you in the end and wish you the best.

    I'm trying to find work. But they just look at me and say.. oh your pregnant? then Sorry your not what we are looking for.  Also as you stated i'm 26, I left school at 18 and worked, saved my pennys and my pounds until I decided I wanted to do more with my life, and started at college as a mature student I also worked part-time in the college. But college has now finished and so has my employment. 

    As you can see. It's not that I am lazy.. I even applied for cleaning jobs but they wouldn't take me on as I'm classed as health risk ?,?
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  • My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry you're in a situation where you thought your partner was really "in it".  It sounds to me like he's not, for the time being.  Maybe he will have a change of heart when your daughter arrives. I really hope he does.  I agree with previous posts, particularly MizSoccer.  I'm the same way when it comes to dealing with people/issues.  I don't beat around the bush, and I'm not into "seeing what happens".  I'm a firm believer in you, making your situation better.  No one else can do this for you.  I'm not much older than you (32) but I've been through enough hard knocks to know time and time again....you can only count on yourself to better things.  I think you know what you need to do, but you're hesisitant.  It's scary entering the unknown.  I completely understand.  But you are capable, and you can do this on your own if you need to.  Let me rephrase, if you have to.  At this point, it sounds like a necessity.  Baby deserves happy surroundings, and as her mom, it is your duty to make that happen by any means necessary. 

    That said, I say I can understand that you are scared.  This coming Sunday, I am about to finish out my pregnancy alone, and raise my daughter by myself.

    My honey is transferring because we are both Active Duty Military, and he's moving across the country to South Carolina (we're both in Washington State right now).  We are not married, so it's not the government's responsibility to keep us together.  We could change that by getting married, but we're not going down that road.....just yet.  I am terrified because this is my first child, and I have NO idea what I'm doing.  My closest family members are 2,600 miles away.  Again, I'm AD military, so I'm deployable 6 months after my daughter arrives.  And I'm really alone. 

    All this said, I will do what I have to do.  I will sacrifice, I will put my child's needs and safety first, and I will get over myself very quick like.  I will do this.  We will be just fine.  I will not settle for less.  Partner or no partner.  My daughter deserves a strong woman to show her what she is capable of doing.  Is any single parent's situation ideal?  No.  But you do what you have to do and you don't look back. 

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you find that courage to dive into the unknown head first.  Be strong, believe in yourself, and most of all, thank your lucky stars for the gift you've been given.  Only you can take care of her, like a mother can.

    "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
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  • BPawsBPaws
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    I can see both sides of the story on a few parts.   I am 100% behind your bf on the dog issue (if you bought it without consulting him, it is 100% your responsibility, and dogs aren't things that should be bought on a whim because you are feeilng sad....  Also, the idea of leaving dog waste laying around  your house for 3 days to make a point absolutely disgusts me!).   He should be pulling his weight with the baby, and helping you as much as he is capable, and realistically it sounds like he is not at all.   Which must be incredibly difficult for you.....   

    I would consider getting out of this situation.  It's obvious your health is a huge concern.   You were at the hospital 11 days ago leaking fluid, and sometime between then and now you've lost your mucus plug, so it's obvious that there are some serious health concerns going on.    If you have the option of taking help from your mother, I would take it 100%.    If nothing else, she is likely to be more understanding than your BF. 

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  • I feel sorry for you, and like a PP said, you are the only one who can make this decision.  It sort of sounds from what you're feeling that you've already made your decision.  While I can't tell you what decision you should make, from this story, I can say that I wouldn't tolerate that at all.  Doesn't sound like much of a partner to me.  We are only getting one side to this story obviously, but I have to ask....what DO you love about him? 


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  • image JulieBean767:

    I feel sorry for you, and like a PP said, you are the only one who can make this decision.  It sort of sounds from what you're feeling that you've already made your decision.  While I can't tell you what decision you should make, from this story, I can say that I wouldn't tolerate that at all.  Doesn't sound like much of a partner to me.  We are only getting one side to this story obviously, but I have to ask....what DO you love about him? 




    We used to get on so well, lots of flirting, cuddles, even if my day was the worse day in the world he would always be able to make me smile. He would make me laugh so easily, and he would smile and my heart would miss a beat and feel like someone had hold of it and gently and squeezing it. Just thinking about it now still gives me the same feeling.

    He would say he loved me and hold me and it didnt matter that the world was falling apart cause he was there.. I felt so secure and safe cause he was there. 
    He was my rock, even for years before we got together.. 
    When my ex left me in hospital, with broken bones he stayed by my side all night so I wasn't left alone. He took me away from it all.. he told me I was beautiful and deserved better..

    I cant believe its changed so much...

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  • I agree on the dog issue that unless you got the puppy together, it's your responsibility and you can't fault him for not wanting to clean up after it or do things for it. Now does that mean he'll be a bad father if he won't look after a puppy? Not necessarily.  Some guys just aren't dog people.  Babies are a lot different and being that Melody is his half his DNA, he might be a lot more inclined to provide and care for her than he would the puppy.

    The rest of your rant does leave some questions to be answered.  He sounds very immature for his age and he obviously has some major issues.  Maybe leaving with your mom for a while would give you a good break and allow you some perspective. It might also be a wakeup call for him to get his s*** together and get on board with this baby.  If he doesn't, then you and the baby are probably better off without him.

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  • Yes, you would be better off alone.  First of all, he sounds like he has an alchohol problem.  If he comes home and drinks all night, it seems like that might be why he can't help you with chores and is getting defensive when you ask.  The alchohol problem will get worse I promise you that.

    If you can go home with your mom- I would do that.  At least you will have someone there that will give you love and support.

    And- when you leave DO NOT PAY YOUR PART OF THE RENT.  That is just enabling (sp??) his drinking.

    Good Luck.

  • When I left my XH, he wanted me to pay for half of the rent (both our names were on the lease), for the car that we bought two months earlier, blah blah blah.  I told him no, that I would pay for half of the money to break the lease, and that he would have to find someplace else cheaper to live.  He called me for ages, talking about how I was ruining his life, how he was having a hard time making it (I was making more money than him at that point), how he wasn't sure about how he could afford the car, etc.   At that point, I decided that if they repossessed the car (I already had a car, and on top of paying for my own rent and student loans as well as utilities, food, etc), that wouldn't be so bad.  

    Right now, you are at a very low point, but things DO get better.  Sometimes it's hard to see out, but you can get your life back on track, without him. 



    DX: Endometriosis and Anovulatory Cycles 3/09
    Laparoscopy/Cystectomy 9/11
    Clomid 50mg 10/11, BFN
    Clomid 150 mg 11/11, BFP!
    Leo Nicholas, due 8/18/12, born 8/21/12 via c-section

    Trying for #2
    Right Unilateral Salpingo-Oophrectomy, 2/14
    Natural cycle 5/14, BFN
    Clomid 50mg 6/14, BFN
    Clomid 100 mg 7/14



  • admittedly- I did not read your entire post, but from what I did read- Yes, you would be better off alone... 

    He sounds like a pig.. 

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  • Ok, their seems to be some confusion here, we BOTH agree'd on the puppy. 
    We talk about getting a dog to help with depression and it means I would have company and it would get me moving and doing stuff. 

    BUT I picked and bought the puppy, and it was mainly for my benefit. But he had agreed to getting a puppy so it's not like i sneaked out the house for it.
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  • I agree with PP that you should at least see about spending some time with your family before making any final decisions.

    I also agree that it sounds like he has a drinking issue (and those don't usualy resolve by themselves)...

    Take some time to think things through, especially as he hinted at a late term abortion.  talk to your family, see if they would be ok with you moving home for a bit untill you can get your feet back under you.  having worked in staffing i understand why you have a hard time finding work. GL!  you are stronger than you know.

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  • I think I would go back to my mom's house and take some time to think things through. I'm really sorry he's not supporting you the way he should but it seems like you are already on your own. It's better if you stay away from him since he's making you depressed and not helping out at all. Start over. Good luck!!!
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  • Even if you aren't ready to make a decision at this point, it does sound like you could use a break. Go back with your mom for a week or two, get some space and some perspective on the whole situation. Just a change of scenery and discussion can help depression in many ways. Plus while you are gone, it will give him time to think through the idea of loosing you. If you aren't there, who is going to cook and clean? He will either realize that you DO participate and help him in many ways and that he takes advantage of that. After some time apart if you are both willing to try to make things work, then you will at least have some clear thoughts about what needs to change and what is important to your relationship if it is going to continue. If after that time away you decide that you just can't go back, then don't. The last thing you need is stress on the baby, she comes first. Good luck!
  • nrb4576nrb4576
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    member
    I would highly suggest talking to a professional (couples / individual counseling, therapist, etc.). Perhaps some community or school-based resources may be available to you at reduced cost? Sometimes talking to a neutral third party really can help bring some clarity to the situation. Best of luck to you!
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  • I would not be able to tolerate that!  He seems to be assuming no responsibility.  I honestly do think that you would be better off alone!  If someone told me that I was lazy, especially while I was pregnant, it would be UGLY!  You need to focus on you and your little baby and get rid of a man who isn't ready to be a man.

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  • I think there may be some more pros to being alone than the cons. I don't think I would stay with him if this was going on in my household.
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