3rd Trimester

InLaws visiting after birth (posted in July 12 moms)

Ok, so my husband's family lives about 11 hours away and we don't get to see them that often, maybe about 3-4 times a year. His mom is IN YOUR FACE with unwanted advice (she even gives advice to strangers walking past her on the street!) and often just says exactly whats on her mind, despite it being absurd and rude. Due to this, I have never really enjoyed her company, but we do "get along" for the most part (by this I mean, I bite my tongue MAJORLY while she is here and vent to my mom once she leaves...prob not the best way to deal but oh well). She is also a nurse and asks me questions on a regular basis that my modest self just isn't comfortable with. She even asks me about my DH and I's sex life!!

Anywho, I had a serious talk with DH last night about guests at our house immediately following the birth of our son (I'm a FTM) and how I dont want any for more than 2-3 nights. He brought up that his mom already discussed staying for 1-2 weeks IN OUR HOUSE! At first, I was completely adamant about this not happening and that anyone planning to stay more than 2-3 nights would need to get a hotel room. He was immediately offended by this and told me I was being completely unfair because his mom can't afford a hotel room and that would prevent her from being able to come.

His argument: He knows his mom can be a bia, but she is SO excited about this baby and my parents (who live about 15 mins away) will get to see our son everyday and watch him grow and his parents won't. He really wants his mom to be a part of this baby's life and, although he understands where I am coming from, he REALLY wants me to let her stay at our house for up to 2 weeks. He says he will talk to her about boundaries and helping around the house rather than expecting us to host her and what not. The rational, non-emotional part of me thinks it is worth it to make my husband happy, but the pregnant, emotional, and easily aggravated side of me is DREADING life immediately after baby if I give in to my husband's wishes. I mean, maybe I have a bad attitude going in, but this woman seems to ruin every vacation, family get-together, or regular weekend visit with her obnoxious comments and rude(borderline mean)ness.

Question: What would you do in this situation? Grin and bear it and deal with an annoying, over bearing, rude MIL in your house for up to 2 weeks with a newborn or stick to your guns and cause your husband to be upset/hurt?

I want to just suck it up to keep the peace, but I know I will be fuming at her the whole time she is here. I could write a novel on the rude things she has said/done to me in the 4 years I have known her, but I won't. I dread dealing with her unwanted advice, her ctiticism of EVERYTHING I do, and her constant need to be entertained/fed by my husband and I.

Help! :(

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Re: InLaws visiting after birth (posted in July 12 moms)

  • When you have an infant at home and are recovering from post partum, the last thing you will want is somebody staying for 2 weeks that you don't necessarly get along with.

    Maybe you can compromise on 4-5 nights maximum.  2 weeks is really really excessive.

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  • I actually like my MIL so it's hard for me to go in your shoes...

    I'd probably just deal. Sometimes it's actually nice to have the help around. Who knows, maybe you two will bond a little *fingers crossed*

    but yeah, if she started trying to show me how to latch and stuff I might be weirded out/put a stop to it. OR... you could appreciate her in the long run.

    Geez. GL!

  • My MIL will be coming to stay with us for 1-2 weeks, but not until at least a month or so after LO is born.  My relationship with my MIL is alright, but we're certainly not the best of friends.  

    In my family, people do not get hotel rooms; we stay at each other's houses.  That's just how we do it.  So coming from that perspective, letting her stay with you really sounds reasonable.  However, 2 with a MIL you don't get along with is far too long.  

    Couldn't you try to find a compromise?  What if she stays with you, but for no longer than *insert your acceptable time frame here* and make sure it is a reasonable amount of time after LO has arrived to make sure you have gotten into a comfortable routine.  That way when she jumps in with her unsolicited advice you can say "that is interesting, but I've found this is what works for my baby..."   

     

    Good luck to you!   

     

     

    ETA..THIS: 

    image lewispm:

    (by this I mean, I bite my tongue MAJORLY while she is here and vent to my mom once she leaves...prob not the best way to deal but oh well)

    is hands down the best way to handle in-laws, as long as they aren't crossing too many boundaries.   



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  • Just lurking

    I have a very similar MIL, and my parents are also my vent space! :o) But when things to be to much for me my Step mom is VERY wonderful about stepping in to help out. Do you think your parents would be ok with her staying in their home for a week? That sounds like a great compromise to me, she can visit and you still get your space, plus your mom can run some interference.

    I hope it all works out for you....

     


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  • This is exactly what happened to me with DD - do not agree to a house guest for 2 weeks!!! I got the same sob story from my DH. His parents first grandbaby and how its unfair my parents live 10 mins away, blah blah blah. I caved in and my ILs came to stay with us for 11 days once DD was born. It completely ruined the first 2 weeks of having my baby at home and has permanently changed my relationship with my ILs and not for the better. I am not heartless, I feel bad my ILs live 2,000 miles away and don't get to be as close to DD as they'd like, but unfortunately that's just the the way things will be unless they move close to us. I thought it wouldn't be that bad to have them stay with us - wrong!  Between crazy postpartum hormones and trying to figure out how to care for my new baby with my ILs standing over my shoulder every minute, all day long  there was lot of frustration and tears for me. They were always trying to take DD from me so they could hold her, trying to convince me bottles were better than breastfeeding so they could feed her....it was bad and lead me to really dislike them in a way I hadn't before. I wound up hiding in my room with DD a lot of the time just so I could get away. DH even agreed after they left that the visit was too long and a mistake we are not repeating again.

    If they have to stay with you for financial reasons, I suggest you make them wait 2 weeks so that you can settle into your new routine with baby without an audience watching your every move. And 1 week should be a long enough for any visitor. I wouldn't even be able to spend 2 weeks with my own parents staying with us, let alone my ILs. Don't do anything you don't want to those first couple weeks with baby. Its your baby and you deserve to enjoy that time without the stress and frustration of guests staying with you.

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  • Thanks for the input!

    I would normally agree with you about the hotel vs. home thing, but with my DH' s family I have quickly learned that if you give an inch, they take a mile! For example, DH graduates law school May 16 and like half his family has just invited themselves to stay in our house, despite the fact that we moved in 3 months ago, have only 2 beds, and have a TON of house/nursery remodeling going on. His parents, Godparents, Aunt and Uncle, and a family friend are planning on staying in our house for the weekend! Without even asking, just expecting! They just made their plans and scheduled their flights and emailed us the times they need to be picked up from the airport. It just seems so rude to me!

    But I agree with you that biting my tongue and ranting later HAS been the best way to deal. DH thinks I need to stand my ground, but I just want to avoid drama altogether and the few times I have tried to stand up for myself it has gone badly and I end up regretting it.

    Oh man, I could go on forever about DH's family. How did he turn out so normal???

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  • image lindy27:

    When you have an infant at home and are recovering from post partum, the last thing you will want is somebody staying for 2 weeks that you don't necessarly get along with.

    Maybe you can compromise on 4-5 nights maximum.  2 weeks is really really excessive.

     

    I agree with this.  I love and get along with my MIL, and having her for 2 weeks is a lot.  It will not be so easy to bite your tongue to keep the peace when you are working on two hours sleep and already dealing with confidence issues (everyone deals with confidence issues when they have a newborn).  Your DH needs to try to understand how difficult of a time this will be for the two of you, and back you up.  I think 5 days is a fair compromise. 


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  • My MIL is no where near as bad as yours and I still feel similar to you.  2 weeks with a newborn and unwanted house guests is no way ok!!

     My family and DH's family all live across the country from us.  We have been trying to figure out when/how people can visit.  We have talked about having a rule that no one can stay with us the first week so we can get settled in. After that I think we will have a 4 day or so limit on visitation.

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  • OH gosh! That sounds horrible! I didnt even think about the fact that I'll be learning everything and probably nervously fumbling around with the baby and the last thing I'll need is an audience standing over my shoulder! Asking to put off the visit a few weeks in order to build a routine seems like a great idea, but I don't think DH will go for it. His mom wants to come IMMEDIATELY after the birth...ugh. I will def suggest it though. Thanks!

     

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  • I think it would be a very reasonable compromise to wait a week or two before you allow her to stay, and then let her stay for a week. Your DH should be able to explain to her that you will need help with household things, but the babycare stuff you want to handle on your own, if you want advice you will ask. If its that important to DH, just make him be the one to set the boundaries and explain the rules.
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  • I would agree and let her stay.. you will need the help.  BUT I would no longer bite my tongue around her.  I would DEF start speaking my mind just as she does.  If hubby says something, he wanted her to stay, after all your warnings to him. HEHEHE 
    image
  • My mom will be staying 2 weeks right when LO comes then MIL will come after my mom for up to two weeks, whatever she is comfortable with.

    I figured she is also LO's grandmother and while she may have opinions different than mine in child raising she is equally his grandmother.

    I have however laid down that her visiting is to help around the house and have cuddle time with LO while I rest.  There are no expectations beyond that.

    If you do have to compromise with a longer stay try to make sure she knows what is expected before she comes so you don't feel like she's getting in the way or overwhelming you.

  • If he can promise to be there the whole time she's there and keep her out of your hair and ensure you have all the privacy and alone time you need with the baby... then fine. Otherwise, I'd put my foot down. Would he want to spend two weeks with your mom living in your house, while you're at work and he's recovering from something? I highly doubt it!

    I can relate in the sense that my MIL is WAY overbearing and will just show up whenever she wants and just hang around and make me as uncomfortable as possible... (that's just her personality and now she has several medical and mental issues that make it worse). I've warned DH that he needs to have a chat with her or his stepdad and make it clear that she can't be there when DH is not, I'd go insane! All she does is tell me what she did with her 5 children (but she's uncomfortable holding a baby these days and has the beginning of Alzheimer's now)  and questions everything I do. I can't deal with that after having a baby. I ended up with PPD last time and I honestly think it was partially because I was trying to be miss hostess and make everyone happy. I now know that's not the point of maternity leave. 

     Sorry, that was long! haha!  

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  • image lindy27:

    When you have an infant at home and are recovering from post partum, the last thing you will want is somebody staying for 2 weeks that you don't necessarly get along with.

    Maybe you can compromise on 4-5 nights maximum.  2 weeks is really really excessive.

    Yes   I think this is your best bet.  I'm not the grin and bear it type but I have been with my MIL...until recently.  I have lost my social filter and I don't see it coming back anytime soon, especially when I'm postpartum!

    I would make it very clear to your DH and that may not be able to "play nice" and he will be the one to run interference with your MIL...that means standing up to her, even if that makes him uncomfortable.

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  • image mamameg11:

    This is exactly what happened to me with DD - do not agree to a house guest for 2 weeks!!! I got the same sob story from my DH. His parents first grandbaby and how its unfair my parents live 10 mins away, blah blah blah. I caved in and my ILs came to stay with us for 11 days once DD was born. It completely ruined the first 2 weeks of having my baby at home and has permanently changed my relationship with my ILs and not for the better. I am not heartless, I feel bad my ILs live 2,000 miles away and don't get to be as close to DD as they'd like, but unfortunately that's just the the way things will be unless they move close to us. I thought it wouldn't be that bad to have them stay with us - wrong!  Between crazy postpartum hormones and trying to figure out how to care for my new baby with my ILs standing over my shoulder every minute, all day long  there was lot of frustration and tears for me. They were always trying to take DD from me so they could hold her, trying to convince me bottles were better than breastfeeding so they could feed her....it was bad and lead me to really dislike them in a way I hadn't before. I wound up hiding in my room with DD a lot of the time just so I could get away. DH even agreed after they left that the visit was too long and a mistake we are not repeating again.

    If they have to stay with you for financial reasons, I suggest you make them wait 2 weeks so that you can settle into your new routine with baby without an audience watching your every move. And 1 week should be a long enough for any visitor. I wouldn't even be able to spend 2 weeks with my own parents staying with us, let alone my ILs. Don't do anything you don't want to those first couple weeks with baby. Its your baby and you deserve to enjoy that time without the stress and frustration of guests staying with you.

    I could have written this exact same response. My relationship with the IL's has changed b/c of them coming for 11 days when DD was less then a week old. They basically forced help on me, when the only thing I wanted to do was for my DH and I to figure things out. And DH gave me a guilt trip because they live so far away and only get to see us 3-4 times a year and basically passed his duties onto his mom (which really ticked me off).

    This time we are letting them come for 5-6 days (which I think is fair), but it won't be until DD2 is 2 weeks old, after we have some time to adjust as a family of 4. My MIL tends to give a lot of unwanted advice and tends to take over the situation. My FIL also would take DD1 out of my arms without asking. The other thing I am doing to make sure things are layed out BEFORE they arrive and let them know that baby duties are for my DH and I...there role is to have fun and not take over OUR responsibilities. This means, talking to your IL's  WITH DH and not just leaving it to him to tell his parents.

    Good Luck...and remember...you need to set the tone now...otherwise they will walk all over you and everyone will be miserable.

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  • Can she stay with your parents while visiting?  That way you would still get some peace and quiet.

    I was freakin' exhausted after having my first baby and can't even fathom having people stay for a long period of time...unless they are prepared to do laundry and by groceries and vacuum etcc.....I guess.

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  • oh my god that sounds aweful!!  I agree with a PP, talk to your DH about a compromise- 2 weeks is entirely excessive.  Maybe 5 days max after you've had a week or so to yourself to get into a routine. 

     geez- i wouldn't even want my own mom there for 2 weeks. 

     THis is a time for you and your new family to get to know each other, and having an insane MIL around will just stress you out...

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  • I love my mother and mother in law, and I would hate for even them to stay overnight at my house for 2 weeks straight. I think a compromise of 1 week would extremely generous compromise on your part. I also agree with waiting at least a week for you to get settled. And it should be understood that although she will be there to be with baby, she should help with housework while you rest. Babies eat and sleep a lot so what else is she going to be doing for a whole week.
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  • No way in hell will anyone be staying at our house after the baby is born, especially my MIL. I feel for you! I'm also a FTM, and it's really important to me that DH and I have time to bond with the baby before life kicks back in - we need to get on a schedule, and learn our new role as parents before people come to stay as "guests." 

    I would put my foot down - you're going to need time to heal and rest! We aren't even allowing daytime visitors until LO is a week old. I would explain to DH that you're not doing it to hurt him, but you want time as a family and having your MIL will not make your recovery easy - he'll get over it!

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  • Thanks everyone for the advice! After even further discussion with my husband, I think I am just going to bear it, but not grin unless I'm truly feeling it (haha). DH actually got teary eyed *TEARY EYED* talking about how special it is for his mom to be there for 2 weeks, so he basically won that argument hands down. He never cries! How can I fight with a teary eyed husband? It obviously means more than I can understand to him so how can I say no??

    I think I will just try to have a better attitude, but use my post partum hormones as a great excuse to set my MIL straight if she oversteps any boundaries. She can't hold a grudge against a post partum hormonal woman, right? Thats like getting mad at a wasted person for saying something inappropriate...right?? PLUS I have already warned DH that, if I agree to this, then he has to be there to back ME up 100% and worry only about MY feelings, not his mom's, for the entire visit. If I start crying uncontrollably for no reason and blame it on his mom, well then by golly it is his mom's fault! Haha

    Here's to keeping my fingers crossed that she is bearable, because after that recent talk with my hubby, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be having a new roomate for 2 weeks after LO is born....oh well.

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  • If you don't trust your DH to set boundaries with them, I strongly suggest finding a good therapist and having a session or two before baby comes. It would be good anyway to figure out what your 'new roles' are going to be in regards to your 'new' family versus your 'extended' families. It can be a hard adjustment to make, especially if your DH has never really stood up or created boundaries with his parents before. It would be helpful in this situation, AND going forward. The earlier you both set boundaries, the easier it will be.

    I think many don't realize how tough having a newborn is on a relationship, and then when you throw the IL's in there it can be even tougher!

    GL, I hope you can find a solution that works for all of you.

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  • Any chance of your parents being able to host MIL?  Or, you and the infant going to your mom's house?
  • Along with the PP hormones, you have to remember you will be sore, bleeding, learning how to breastfeed. At some points I felt like a guest in my own house after having DD1. I was learning to BF and I couldn't even be comfortable in my living room because they were all hanging out in there, so I had to resort to our bedroom to nurse her.

    This isn't your MIL's baby. Yes, she might be excited, but this isn't about her and certainly not about her feelings. I think she needs to be able to visit, but it should be something YOU are comfortable with, being that you are the one who is going through all the misery of being post-partum and learning how to be a mom

    Seriously, though believe me when I say that YOU should be the one telling MIL feel about her coming for 2 weeks....especially if DH isn't on your side. If she never hears how YOU feel directly from  you....she might not take you seriously (or DH might not even be telling his mom your concerns if he doesn't agree with you). I think some of my relationship troubles with the IL's are my doing, because I made DH go to them all the time when it should have been me.

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  • image lawright:
    Any chance of your parents being able to host MIL?  Or, you and the infant going to your mom's house?

     

    I'd insist that if MIL is going to be there for two weeks, then husband better be there to run interference.  And for the times he can't be there, I'd go to your mother's.

    And I'd no longer "grin and bear it".  If she says something obnoxious, tell her, "that's obnoxious - you're not being helpful.  maybe you should leave the room."  she's a guest in your home, she can watch her mouth. 

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  • put your foot down on this. you get final say.

     you are the one who is giving birth, recovering, and possibly nursing. you need to be relaxed. Let him know your happiness needs to be the priority right now, not his mothers.

    Audrey is going to be a big sister!

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  • What you have described above is my MIL with a few tweaks here and there. She spent a week with me last time and I wanted to KILL MYSELF! This time i have made it clear that I only 'need her help' for 3-4 days which she seems fine with, thank god! 

    You are going to be figuring out a lot of things and getting to know your son, trying to breast feed you are going to be beyond hormonal and want your space. Your dh has to kind of get over himself a little bit. I told my DH that I was losing control over my body, my life and sleep schedule so what I wanted in terms of visitors in this one instance I was going to get. After that he didn't give me any push back, I guess that got through to him. My MIL drove DH crazy when she was here and he wasn't the hormonal one. 2 weeks IMO would be out of the question. You could survive for one week with her in your house but 2 would be over the top.

    I think you need to compromise with your DH and tell him she can stay in your home for no longer than 1 week. Any time beyond that she will need to stay in a hotel. If she can't afford to do a hotel then you are off the hook for the 2nd week. You will also do a lot of hibernating in your room with baby and the door locked, that is what got me through. Eventually MIL got bored and left a day ahead of schedule. You really need to find a happy medium that you can live with and keep DH happy. 2 weeks will be a ridiculous amount of time to have MIL in your home 24/7. GL I hope you can compromise, but if not stand your ground b/c dh will get over it once baby is home and he sees how tired you both are.  

    ETA: Teary eyed DH or not YOU are going to be the one in tears. You have to come to a compromise. I agree with the PP that your DH is putting his mom's feelings and WANTS (not needs) ahead of yours and that is a recipe for disaster. His family will still be involved but it should NOT trump your feelings or bonding time with baby.   

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  • My 2 cents: 

    I feel for you, but in a way, why is your MIL's immediate experience with the new LO being put ahead of yours?

    The first few days/weeks with my DS were very important to DH and me to bond as a new family, get our bearings, and learn our baby and routine. It was a really special and private time that I will never forget, and would never have changed for the world- even if it meant hurting a family member's feelings. You are the mom- it is your and DH's baby...you deserve the right to be comfortable and enjoy your new baby in private for a little while before guests descend on you...we put our foot down because in the long run, this time is about you guys, not anyone else.

    So teary eyed or not, DH should understand that your mom had her turn with bringing home her own babies...this is yours. Obviously you care that they are a part of LO's life, but a compromise needs to be made, and not one that ends in you being miserable for the first 2 weeks of baby's life. Why does her need to see baby right away and for so long trump your need to be alone with your child and husband in some really new and precious days? You have every right to tell them (and anyone else) that the house is closed for a few weeks and that you are more comfortable with offering them a shorter stay. It is worth it IMO.

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  • I would compromise: 7-10 day stay and let you guys be at home alone with the baby for the first 2-3 weeks THEN have her come out.  So she can be there after your dh is back and work and you may need more help. 

    I have asked my ILs to wait 2-3 weeks to come out and am hoping it will just be 5-7 days. 

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  • you dh should not "win" this just because he cried, lol.  Marriage is about compromise. 

    the boundaries you set now with the ILs will set the tone for the rest of your lives, so think seriously about this.

    and I would expect my husband to be home every damn second his parents were if he insisted they come right away and stay that long.  He NEEDS to run interference and enforce boundaries while they are there. 

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    Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
  • I have this MIL. And recently she went over the boundaries by going through paperwork that was out on my coffee table when she visited. When I confronted her about it, she didn't see anything wrong. That paperwork had tax info, mail that was opened, things that needed to be filed. I had NO idea my MIL was not only rude, and a ***, but nosey too. I pretty much ripped her a new one, and then SHE had the nerve to give DH a sob story about how SHE isn't eating and how she can't see her grandkids because I don't want her around. You're damn straight I don't want you around if you're going to rummage through MY things. She lets herself into my house with a key when we are home, she says rude comments, she gives her ugly unwanted opinion, when she comes to "visit" my DS's (mind you she lives 15 minutes away) she parks her ass on my couch and doesnt' move. We used to invite her for dinner, she doesn't even clean up her plate from the table. She gets up and walks away. Fat ***. I seriously hate her. I would NOT do what you're suggesting. Maybe you're a better person than I. I already told DH that she isn't to come when he's not here. And when she does come she is to HELP and not just sit and stare at me and the baby. She's grossly obese (like 350lbs at least) and in poor health, so she isn't allowed to stand/walk/etc with the baby. She can sit, and that is IT. I also told him, when baby is hungry, she is to leave. I will not resort to shutting myself into a room because she is here. It's my home. When my baby is hungry, people can leave so I can feed her comfortably. I've done this twice before, and i'm changing things this time around so that I am not miserable.
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