3rd Trimester

Need advice for a sticky situation...

So, I've been best friends with this girl since we were like 7. She recently started dating a guy who has herpes, and has been sexually active with him. I have tried to keep my thoughts to myself thus far, but I'm gonna have to talk to her about it soon. She is going to be a part of my baby's life, but I feel really uncomfortable with her having close contact with the baby, like giving kisses. She is really outspoken which is kind of why I love her, but I feel like that outspokenness will be a problem when it comes time to have "the talk." Can you ladies offer any advice on how to bring upy concerns and what I might say to make her feel more comfortable? I don't want her to be upset with my "no kisses" decision, but at the same time I'm only doing what I feel is best for my baby and, let's be honest, you knew the risk when you started sleeping with him! Ugh. Help.

 

 

 

Re: Need advice for a sticky situation...

  • Do you know for sure if she has herpes?
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  • No, but I still don't want to risk it.
  • I think you may just have to start that conversation w/ an opening like" so this is probably going to be the most awkward request/conversation you've ever heard, but..."   then just tell her you'd prefer her to keep her lips to herself (or some other lovely way of saying that)
  • I think that may just be my opening line. I'm just 90% positive that she's going to be offended and get pissed and I don't wanna fight with her about it.
  • You're talking lip-herpes/cold sores...and not STD-herpes, right?

    Personally...we have a "no kissing on the lips" policy with our kiddos for everyone (family, friends, other kids, etc). It's easily transmitted, and people don't have to have an active sore to transmit the virus if they are "shedding"...and it's most often accidentally transmitted from a family member.  

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  • I dont understand people who kiss babies on the mouth anyways! They are so little and Id be terrified of spreading germs!

    I promise its not that weird to have a no kissing policy. You dont even need to bring up the herpes concern

    Bring up vaccines and tell her how you scary it is about babies contracting pertussis and even colds that little. Then maybe make a blanket statement how you think its crazy that people would spread their germs by kissing a baby on the mouth.

    edit: its late and my typos are horrible

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  • HERPS or cold sore herpes? There's sorta a HUGE difference! 

    Genital herpes, um... I'd hope it's not a problem as she will not be in sexual contact with your LO.

    Cold sore herpes, first I'm not down with mouth kissing babies. Also if she has an outbreak (open sore) and wants to kiss your child, she's just an Ahole. Everyone I know who gets cold sore treat themselves like koodie police.

    Also, cold sores (as far I know) are genetic. So either you get them or you don't. Hubs gets them but I don't....  

  • Just have a rule that no one kiss the baby except for you and your DH/SO/FI etc...



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  • image chapski:

    HERPS or cold sore herpes? There's sorta a HUGE difference! 

    Genital herpes, um... I'd hope it's not a problem as she will not be in sexual contact with your LO.

    Cold sore herpes, first I'm not down with mouth kissing babies. Also if she has an outbreak (open sore) and wants to kiss your child, she's just an Ahole. Everyone I know who gets cold sore treat themselves like koodie police.

    Also, cold sores (as far I know) are genetic. So either you get them or you don't. Hubs gets them but I don't....  

    THANK YOU!  I was starting to think I was the only one that recognized the gigantic difference between an std and a flippin cold sore!!! 

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  • Herpes simplex 1 is what is commonly referred to as cold sores and simplex 2 is most often an STD.  Both can be transferred via saliva, bodily fluids, oral sex.  People can carry it without ever having experienced an outbreak so it's hard to know if they got it from a specific person.

    I have a friend who got a full panel STD test and that was when she found she had herpes simplex 1.  I also had a friend in grade school who would get the worst outbreaks all over her mouth.  I, of course, didn't know what it was at the time but she always told me "DON'T TOUCH IT!"  I have several other friends that use suppressive medication on a daily basis and claim to have never passed it on to their long time partners, and they carry either form of the virus.

    I agree with the poster who said to have a general conversation about sharing kisses with the baby.  I've been lucky to have friends who carry the virus and are open about discussing the risks of engaging in types of contact with them.  There are others who can only get offended at the suggestion since they have it and think it's no big deal.

  • image khagan9368:
    image chapski:

    HERPS or cold sore herpes? There's sorta a HUGE difference! 

    Genital herpes, um... I'd hope it's not a problem as she will not be in sexual contact with your LO.

    Cold sore herpes, first I'm not down with mouth kissing babies. Also if she has an outbreak (open sore) and wants to kiss your child, she's just an Ahole. Everyone I know who gets cold sore treat themselves like koodie police.

    Also, cold sores (as far I know) are genetic. So either you get them or you don't. Hubs gets them but I don't....  

    THANK YOU!  I was starting to think I was the only one that recognized the gigantic difference between an std and a flippin cold sore!!! 

    Actually, genital herpes can be spread to the mouth during oral sex, then causing oral herpes, which can then be spread to the baby.  I actually know a guy whose mother had genital herpes and infected him with oral herpes during childbirth.

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  • image elmoali:
    image khagan9368:
    image chapski:

    HERPS or cold sore herpes? There's sorta a HUGE difference! 

    Genital herpes, um... I'd hope it's not a problem as she will not be in sexual contact with your LO.

    Cold sore herpes, first I'm not down with mouth kissing babies. Also if she has an outbreak (open sore) and wants to kiss your child, she's just an Ahole. Everyone I know who gets cold sore treat themselves like koodie police.

    Also, cold sores (as far I know) are genetic. So either you get them or you don't. Hubs gets them but I don't....  

    THANK YOU!  I was starting to think I was the only one that recognized the gigantic difference between an std and a flippin cold sore!!! 

    Actually, genital herpes can be spread to the mouth during oral sex, then causing oral herpes, which can then be spread to the baby.  I actually know a guy whose mother had genital herpes and infected him with oral herpes during childbirth.

    But her friend isn't going to be giving birth to her child, lol! There is a difference.

    I am also confused about whether or not she means STDs or cold sores.

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  • image dosafyre:

    You're talking lip-herpes/cold sores...and not STD-herpes, right?

    Personally...we have a "no kissing on the lips" policy with our kiddos for everyone (family, friends, other kids, etc). It's easily transmitted, and people don't have to have an active sore to transmit the virus if they are "shedding"...and it's most often accidentally transmitted from a family member.  

    My parents had the same with my brother and I when we were little - so, my grandma, who would get cold sores, would kiss us on the nose. I get coldsores on and in my nose now, and have since I was little - We are having a no kissing whatsoever policy if the person has a history of cold sores.

    I would just be brutally honest with her - tough $hit if she gets upset - it's for the baby's safety, period.

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  • image CountryWild84:
    image elmoali:
    image khagan9368:
    image chapski:

    HERPS or cold sore herpes? There's sorta a HUGE difference! 

    Genital herpes, um... I'd hope it's not a problem as she will not be in sexual contact with your LO.

    Cold sore herpes, first I'm not down with mouth kissing babies. Also if she has an outbreak (open sore) and wants to kiss your child, she's just an Ahole. Everyone I know who gets cold sore treat themselves like koodie police.

    Also, cold sores (as far I know) are genetic. So either you get them or you don't. Hubs gets them but I don't....  

    THANK YOU!  I was starting to think I was the only one that recognized the gigantic difference between an std and a flippin cold sore!!! 

    Actually, genital herpes can be spread to the mouth during oral sex, then causing oral herpes, which can then be spread to the baby.  I actually know a guy whose mother had genital herpes and infected him with oral herpes during childbirth.

    But her friend isn't going to be giving birth to her child, lol! There is a difference.

    I am also confused about whether or not she means STDs or cold sores.

    What I'm saying is that genital herpes can be spread to the mouth.  So yeah, the friend isn't going to give the baby GENITAL herpes but if the friend has been infected in her mouth, she can spread that to the baby.

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  • image tykel2012:

    So, I've been best friends with this girl since we were like 7. She recently started dating a guy who has herpes, and has been sexually active with him. I have tried to keep my thoughts to myself thus far, but I'm gonna have to talk to her about it soon. She is going to be a part of my baby's life, but I feel really uncomfortable with her having close contact with the baby, like giving kisses. She is really outspoken which is kind of why I love her, but I feel like that outspokenness will be a problem when it comes time to have "the talk." Can you ladies offer any advice on how to bring upy concerns and what I might say to make her feel more comfortable? I don't want her to be upset with my "no kisses" decision, but at the same time I'm only doing what I feel is best for my baby and, let's be honest, you knew the risk when you started sleeping with him! Ugh. Help.

     

     

     

     

    How do you know he had herpes? Did she tell you or is it a rumor? If you are going off rumors expect her to be mad. I would be pissed if my best friend assumed I had herpes and told me to stay away from her kid. If you know she has an STD talk to your pediatrician about the likelihood of it spreading through kisses. Then you would have valid information to share with her instead of "I heard on the internet...."

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  • image tjkdlhb:
    Just have a rule that no one kiss the baby except for you and your DH/SO/FI etc...

    This. And I hadn't even thought of people kissing my baby on the mouth because that is sort of strange, but this is a fantastic idea!

    As far as a sit-down personal convo, I think you should mind your own bisnass ;) Unless, of course, she doesn't know that he has it!

  • Okay, maybe you should talk to her and get some information. I think if your friend was open enough to tell you that he had herpes, she'll be open enough to talk to you about it.

    There are medications for herpes that reduce the number of outbreaks and therefore significantly reduce the chances of a person passing it on to their partner.  If her partner is getting treatment and taking precautions, there is a good chance that she won't end up with the virus too.

    Also, if it's genital herpes - she's not going to pass it on to your baby from giving him hugs and kisses.  I wouldn't make the assumption that your friend has herpes and is contagious.

    There could be lots of people in your life that have come into contact with an STD or another illness and you have no idea about it, because most people wouldn't tell you about it.  So maybe you should just make a "no kissing" rule for everyone - then you don't have to single your friend out.

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  • HkayeHkaye member
    Well obviously if she has cold sores than no kissing the baby but if your talking about genital herpes then it shouldn't matter because she cant give that to your baby. But that is very irresponsible on her part if she is sleeping with a guy who has herpes and she doesn't care, so I think I would keep my distance from friends like that anyway.
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  • I understand you wanting to protect your baby. I think that you are being a little judgmental, and I would be offended too if I was your friend. I would assume that your friends bf is wearing a condom when they have sex. If this is the case, than there is a VERY good chance that she has not contracted the disease. I think that a no kissing rule is good for everyone. But there is no need to call your friend out and judge her for something you don't know that she has. Just because her boyfriend has it, doesn't automatically mean that she does. Most people who have herpes are very cautious not to spread it to their partners...by wearing condoms etc. 
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  • You would probably be better off just having a "no kissing" policy for everyone if you are that concerned about it. About 1 in 5 people have herpes. You can look it up for yourself. Some people can be carriers with no symptoms, but still be shedding the virus. However, it extremely unlikely that that it will be spread unless an active sore comes in contact with your child. The virus is not spread by skin to skin contact (shaking hands, cuddling) but by exchanging body fluids or coming into direct contact with a sore. You should look up some more information or speak with a doctor before saying anything to your friend. Chances are, you know at least a few more people with herpes, whether you realize it or not.
  • Has no one here heard of oral sex?  When I taught middle school science, I had a whole lesson for my kids on how they can get STDs in and on their mouth.  And then pass it on through kissing.  The pictures were terrifying, but needed-they totally thought they were invincible and working the system by having oral instead of vaginal sex.

    I would hope that because this friend acknowledged her boyfriend has herpes, she wouldn't engage in oral sex without a condom, but then again, who knows.  I would suck it up and have the talk.  I agree that if she talked with you about it in the first place, she would be ok with this talk.

  • I agree with some of the PP: Simply have a blanket "no kissing baby" rule and aviod the akward conversation, that way you spare her feelings and you have peace of mind.

    And, as other PP have mentioned, a lot of people are carriers and they (or you) may or may not even know it. Please don't single your good friend out. It would really suck if she gets offended and it ruins your relationship, then somewhere down the line someone you didn't know had the virus kissed your baby and your LO contracted it anyway.

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